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Original poster

Who makes the compromise regarding living together ?

31 replies

Humptybumptyboo · 22/08/2020 08:38

I met a lovely bloke 15 months ago who has two daughters he has for 50% or more of the time. He’s currently renting a house near them and his ex and will eventually inherit a local house from his very elderly dad. He lives in a rough area he dislikes. I live 45 minutes away with my two children in a house I own outright in a much nicer upmarket area. It isn’t meant to sound snobby but the two places are polar opposites.

I know that long term he says he wants to settle down and us live togetherbut he also sometimes absent mindedly drops it into conversations that he needs to live near his daughters.

I’m happy to move house and have a home that is ours but obviously I don’t want to move to his area where there’s literally nothing to do, a big drug culture and limited job opportunities. I worry that when it comes to the crunch in a few years, he will decide that he is going to live in the inherited house near his ex and daughters and I will have wasted years on nothing. I love him so much and want my future with him.

OP posts:
something2say · 22/08/2020 09:17

Aww. I guess this has to be a factor in the decision making.

BackwardsGoing · 22/08/2020 09:27

How old are the children?

category12 · 22/08/2020 09:39

You need to have an honest conversation about the future.

I'd be very wary of selling up your house and throwing in your lot with him anyway, you've got your dc to think of.

Newtlizzy · 22/08/2020 11:22

It would depend on the ages of the children and what plans for schools etc. personally if you own your house outright in an upmarket area and he’s from a rough area renting and wants to stay then my guess if you’re both in very different places and it will be hard to find a middle ground.
You could both compromise and move in between. Would he be able to match you money wise for a deposit? Would you be able to safe guard your extra money? Also his dad may live for years, Iv been calling my nan elderly for as long as I can remember, she 98 now and still going strong. It’s a conversation to have with him but yes he’s likely to waste your time if he won’t commit. Currently he has a life in his town and part time life with you, my guess he stays over to get his leg over and goes back to the easy life living by his ex and kids. He may never give you more but it’s a chance you might need to take.
Are you enjoying it for what it is now? Can you carry on for another 18 months and see how you feel? If not then I wouldn’t wait around unless it was good as it is anyway and you’re happy with the situation as it is.
I was in your position and ended the relationship as didn’t want to carry on being the part time girlfriend as l made it clear what I wanted he wasn’t going to compromise. I stopped sleeping with him all the time, as starting feeling that’s all it was and he stopped coming round. Told me everything I needed to know

Original poster
Humptybumptyboo · 22/08/2020 11:24

The kids range from 4 to 9

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 22/08/2020 11:30

Talk to him. Ask him if he has plans of where to live.
Then see if it fits in with your thoughts.
However it turns out, try not to see it as wasted years. There are no guarantees with anyone

Sakurami · 22/08/2020 11:30

If you love each other it's not wasted is it? Maybe stay living separately?

sitckmansladylove · 22/08/2020 11:35

Have a chat to ease your mind. It's early days yet and you can live apart for a good few more years yet. No way would I love in that area if you are happy and safer where you are. Let him know you won't move there when he drops it into conversation.

Jennifer2r · 22/08/2020 11:36

If his children are under 9 then yes he does need to stay living near them, doesn't he.

Annasgirl · 22/08/2020 11:37

Hi OP, please take a step back from all the ‘in love’ feelings.

You own a house outright in a good area and you have 2DC aged under 9. Please DO NOT, under any circumstances, threaten the security of you and your DC by Moving in with this man.

Keep seeing him as a boyfriend and stay in your home without him and his DC. Let him stay over when his DC are not with him if you must but do not blend families and move to a bad area because you are ‘in love’.

If you want to know why I am being so harsh, read any post on here re finances and blended families. Unless you are a millionaire moving in with another millionaire, you, with the greater security, will lose out.

FinnyStory · 22/08/2020 11:40

I would plan for a life where you live separately TBH. The fact that he's likely to put his daughters first must surely be part of what makes him the man you love.

willowmelangell · 22/08/2020 11:54

Doesn't a big part of this rely on his dc's mum NOT moving in the future? For roughly 10 plus years? Seems like a big risk to me.
Keep him as a boyfriend. It has only been 15 months.

BackwardsGoing · 22/08/2020 12:13

You can live separately and still be in a committed relationship.

Newtlizzy · 22/08/2020 12:30

Everyone seems to be against living together mainly because alot of people in here have had bad experiences but it don’t mean that will happen to everyone.
We don’t know all the circumstances and if it was me with young children then there is no way I would want to not live with another adult for another 10 years. It would be harder to blend families then as all teenagers would be used to having their own space. Plus I’d want my children to see me in a loving Normal relationship.
The financial side needs protecting it can be done through careful planning and solicitors when buying together. When combining families both will need to compromise a bit and work out between you school runs and work etc and move in together as a family. It can work, it’s worked in many families but is hard work. If you both love each other equally and truly then it will work and will be a happy home.
Who doesn’t school runs at the moment? He has 50/50 but does he work full time? Is his exw happy in herself and happy to see him move on? Because it will be harder if she becomes difficult and envious. Everyone’s circumstances are different so you just need to talk to him

Original poster
Humptybumptyboo · 22/08/2020 13:11

His ex is awkward and isn't happy that he's seeing me so contact with the kids involved has been minimal.

Technically he could have the girls here from school and do the half hour drive to take them to school, he works for himself. It's not ideal but would give us the life he says he wants.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2020 13:26

Why would you uproot your children so some man doesn't have to disturb his relationship with his?

sitckmansladylove · 22/08/2020 13:35

Just keep things as they are for a long time.

Original poster
Humptybumptyboo · 22/08/2020 14:02

I’d love to be in a family situation again, I find life on my own so lonely with the kids 24/7. I miss having someone to just hang out with doing nothing , just cooking tea or watching tv before bed. I’m so torn because my heart wants to take the gamble on things working out long term but I’m scared of ending up with nothing in a few years time.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 22/08/2020 14:07

I can understand that he would want to live near his daughters.
Unless his dad’s property is in his name these no guarantee he will inherit it ... (possible nursing home fees, unless he also has lots of savings..) Just putting that out there...

Isn’t there a nicer part of this area that is still close to his children?

Aerial2020 · 22/08/2020 14:12

Don't gamble on your children's future because you are lonely.
It's understandable how you're feeling but you will learn to be content on your own, honestly give it time, so don't make a huge decision based on right now.

ItsIslandTime · 22/08/2020 14:16

You each live in your own houses and stay over when it suits. Sounds perfect to me and possibly much better for all the kids.

There is no reason your relationship can't be as committed as it would be if you all moved in together.

It's not about you being lonely it's about what's best for the kids.

Palavah · 22/08/2020 14:19

Unless his dad’s property is in his name these no guarantee he will inherit it ... (possible nursing home fees, unless he also has lots of savings..)

This.
This

JoJoSM2 · 22/08/2020 14:20

I think it’s a difficult situation. It wouldn’t be fair to uproot your children from a nice area to somewhere with a drug problem and generally unpleasant. Equally, he’s got little kids so it makes sense that he spends a good amount of time with them.

I’d also prefer the option of carrying on as boyfriend/girlfriend. Perhaps you can work a system that allows you to spend more time together?

You can always review the arrangements in a couple of years is your relationship is still going strong.

LilyWater · 22/08/2020 14:32

@Annasgirl

Hi OP, please take a step back from all the ‘in love’ feelings.

You own a house outright in a good area and you have 2DC aged under 9. Please DO NOT, under any circumstances, threaten the security of you and your DC by Moving in with this man.

Keep seeing him as a boyfriend and stay in your home without him and his DC. Let him stay over when his DC are not with him if you must but do not blend families and move to a bad area because you are ‘in love’.

If you want to know why I am being so harsh, read any post on here re finances and blended families. Unless you are a millionaire moving in with another millionaire, you, with the greater security, will lose out.

This. It always tends to be the woman in these situations who gives up hers and her own DC's hard earned security while all gooey eyed with a man. The man says all the right things during the lusty romance stage but he always has his head firmly on his shoulders and would never throw away his or his own children's security in the same way.
LillianBland · 22/08/2020 14:39

Oh lord, OP. Are you sure you’re not just in love with the idea of being in love. The desperation for a partner is scary. Please don’t put your needs before the happiness of your children and indeed, his children.