Who makes the compromise regarding living together ?

[Humptybumptyboo]

I met a lovely bloke 15 months ago who has two daughters he has for 50% or more of the time. He’s currently renting a house near them and his ex and will eventually inherit a local house from his very elderly dad. He lives in a rough area he dislikes. I live 45 minutes away with my two children in a house I own outright in a much nicer upmarket area. It isn’t meant to sound snobby but the two places are polar opposites.

I know that long term he says he wants to settle down and us live togetherbut he also sometimes absent mindedly drops it into conversations that he needs to live near his daughters.

I’m happy to move house and have a home that is ours but obviously I don’t want to move to his area where there’s literally nothing to do, a big drug culture and limited job opportunities. I worry that when it comes to the crunch in a few years, he will decide that he is going to live in the inherited house near his ex and daughters and I will have wasted years on nothing. I love him so much and want my future with him.

Would also add 15 mths is nothing, I wouldn’t be basing my whole life and future around a new relationship. Take your time op.

@Sakurami

If you love each other it's not wasted is it? Maybe stay living separately?

This.

You barely know his kids and you're fantasizing about moving in together after less than 2 years? Sorry but you need to give your head a wobble.

If you have the sense that you would have "wasted" x number of years if the relationship ended eventually, then I encourage you to explore the possibility that you're clinging to this guy because of your fear of loneliness, rather than him actually being right for you.

When you're well suited, none of these things matter. I sense some red flags here.

There is no need to live together in the medium term, 15 months is early on in a relationship. 45 mins drive to see each other is no biggie, considering all the other risks. Could you think about others ways to make your own life more busy / fulfilling when he is not around so it bothers you less. I am in LTR (15 years), we live apart and have a DC together, it works great for me. Feel kike I get the best of 'both worlds' and if we ever did want to split, money / homes would be a non issue. It takes the pressure off!

What he says he wants and what he’s actually prepared to do, are two very different things. I suspect he’s one of those men who makes the right noises but when push comes to shove, they won’t budge.

I wouldn’t uproot my children for this man.

So you spend virtually no time with his DC but he sees yours often?

Would change that, to reduce the time he spends with your DC. And keep living separately and assuming that’s what’ll happen long term, unless circumstances change, eg his ex moves.

You need to spend longer on developing the relationship. You have security, your own home and so on. He doesn't. He has everything to gain from you selling up and moving in together - you, on the other hand, risk losing your security. You've only been together just over a year.

His elderly dad may live far longer than predicted. His potential inheritance may end up being eaten up by care home costs, or, hell, being left to the cats and dogs home. I think it's very unwise to act on the basis of what he might get.