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Relationships

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Original poster

Difficult decision

33 replies

MissBPotter · 21/08/2020 19:53

Is anyone else terrible at making decisions? I just don’t know what to do.

DH and i were set to use some savings/inheritance to renovate our current home but since the stamp duty holiday has come in to place we have begun thinking about moving away and living in DHs home country which is in one of the other countries of the UK (we are currently in SE england). Honestly this is something DH has wanted for a long time as he doesn’t really like the area we are in now. It’s good for families but it is somewhat nondescript and there are no nice coffee shops, bars, shops nearby, only a supermarket and a primary school. This is where I grew up and my parents and sister live nearby at present. He has his DM and other family in this new area.

I can see his point completely as this area (where he is from) is beautiful, much cheaper to live in and has lots of nice places to go and things to do, including amazing beaches. Plus he misses his DM. He is currently working from home around 80% of the time and thinks he could continue this and fly back to be in the office maybe fortnightly for say two days. He earns really good money now, I work pt at present.

We have two DS, 5 and 3 so DS1 would have to move schools but I guess with the disruption this year a move might not be so hard as he isn’t fully used to his school iykwim. DS 2 starts school sept 21.

At the moment my family helps us and I help my sister with her DD and generally we see each other quite a lot. I don’t have many friends here and social life is very limited really. But it would be zero in this new area as I don’t really know anyone except DH family and a couple of his friends/friends wives.

We have seen an amazing house though and we could afford it. I wouldn’t have a job initially but would look for one. DC claim they would like to live there but they are so young they don’t really understand.

My parents are not in the best of health either, but neither is his mum. None of them need carers but maybe in ten years they might....

I feel like moving would be great in some ways and solve some issues but would present a whole new set of issues. This is Dh dream and I wonder if he will resent me if I say no, though he says he won’t. Sort this is so long. Has anyone done anything similar? We are mid 30s.

OP posts:

category12 · 21/08/2020 19:58

Are you outgoing and do you find it easy to make friends? What's the job market like in the area - will you find it easy to get a job there?

If it didn't work out, and your relationship broke up, would you be abel to come home, or would he be able to stop you leaving the country with the kids? Can you imagine yourself living there for the rest of your life even if the marriage ended?

Original poster

MissBPotter · 21/08/2020 20:09

Good questions. I don’t find it very easy to make friends no. The job market isn’t that good in the field where I work but I am looking in to working from home which might be an option... not great for getting to know anyone though! I probably wouldn’t want to live there if we broke up I guess, although I do like the area I guess it would be strange to be there without him, but I wouldn’t want to move the kids again. He couldn’t stop me moving away as it’s still part of the UK. I feel like I really risking more and he has more to gain but also he has lived here for a while now and hasn’t ever really liked it, just moved here as my family were here.

OP posts:

category12 · 21/08/2020 20:14

Oh sorry, misread the other country part .

Original poster

MissBPotter · 21/08/2020 20:18

I could have made that part of my op clearer, just don’t want to be outing

OP posts:

category12 · 21/08/2020 20:46

You are risking more, because currently you have your family support, which is proven. If you move there, his family may or may not help out (they might talk a good game, but in reality not do much). Do you get on well with his family?

Original poster

MissBPotter · 21/08/2020 22:18

@category12 thanks for replying. I get on ok with his family but I don’t think we are close as such. They would probably help out occasionally.

OP posts:

vegansprinkle · 21/08/2020 23:22

I would go. You can always move back if it doesn't work out.

To be honest, a nice house in a beautiful
Area would
Do it for me

slaveforpeppa · 22/08/2020 04:56

You wouldn't be able to move even though you are in another part of the UK. Especially if the children were settled in school etc in the event of your marriage ending. I think it would depend if the area you were moving to was cosmopolitan if that makes sense. Some places would be easy to move to because other people have. The place is welcoming etc. Can you take an extended holiday to the new area and she how you get on?

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/08/2020 05:35

I would really think about it, what if you aren't happy and he is? What are the chances that he will move back? It sounds like you will be very isolated there. If you are happy where you are now you should stay.

DianaT1969 · 22/08/2020 05:47

If you could prioritise having one or two guest bedrooms when house hunting, or a granny annexe, then your mum and sister might visit you every couple of months. It would feel better then.
I would probably do it for the bigger house in a beautiful area, but would need to be sure I could see my mum and sister regularly - not easy with Covid, but hopefully that's temporary.

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2020 06:08

I wouldn't move. Sounds quite cut off where you are thinking of moving to, currently you have a good support network. Too risky.

joystir59 · 22/08/2020 06:13

Do it. The new area and house sound fab, go and have an adventure instead of carrying on living in a nothing place. I'd live by the sea for sure (I do, I moved to do it!)

MollyButton · 22/08/2020 06:38

Stamp duty is irrelevant if moving overseas.

And I wouldn't unless you really wanted to - you could find yourself isolated, with a broken relationship and stuck because you can't bring the children back.

CatsGoPurrrr · 22/08/2020 06:43

I wouldn’t do it. Where you are is better for you. That lovely house will feel like a prison in time, without friends and family near by.

bakedoff · 22/08/2020 06:45

I wouldn’t move away from family support. I also wouldn’t move away to somewhere there is nothing around. Where do people go? Where’s the social life? How are you going to make any friends if there’s nothing there!!! Is there a gym? A leisure centre? Where are the coffee mornings? Where do people socialise? It sounds really lonely!

bakedoff · 22/08/2020 06:45

And where are your kids going to get jobs when they grow up? They’ll have to move away and you’ll be left on your own

orangejuicer · 22/08/2020 06:47

Come to Wales!

Original poster

MissBPotter · 22/08/2020 06:51

Thank you all for your comments, I agree that we are kind of living in a nothing place here and though I am happy enough, I might be happier in this other area.... but then the idea of being isolated is scary and I don’t want to feel lonely as I will begin to get depressed.... having said that we would have enough bedrooms and space for my family to visit and they also really like this area so I am sure they would visit... unless Covid restrictions come back. Plus a visit is not the same as seeing them regularly. They’re getting older so health will likely deteriorate.
I suppose I worry that my marriage will be impacted either if I say no and we stay against his wishes or if we go and I am all lonely and potentially regret it.
I am not really a risk taker but eg I moved to NZ for three years in early twenties so it reminds me of that a little bit. I think it would be very difficult to come back due to kids and house and jobs and all of that baggage essentially.

@MollyButton we would still be in the UK, just a different part where the stamp duty holiday applies the same as England, where we are now.

OP posts:

ChickensMightFly · 22/08/2020 06:53

There are a lot of factors which could make the move regrettable, mostly your isolation. But if you settle in the new area and you can see your family often by having them to stay it could work.
I would want to do it without burning bridges though I think until you were sure. Could you rent your house out so you could come back and discuss a 2 year trial period.
The kids saree so young you could move them again if you had to.
I think try it, cos dp will appreciate that and if it doesn't work at least he'll know and not just always wistfully wonder what could have been. But have an exit strategy as a back up, it will reassure you and as you are moving to cheaper area if you don't you might be priced out of returning.
You and your children are all young enough to be able to give it a go

orangejuicer · 22/08/2020 06:54

Sorry. I know that's unhelpful. In all seriousness do some research. Speak to your DS. If you were moving from SE England to say NW Wales, would your DS find it difficult to settle? Don't bank on your DH's family helping out.

In your position I'd stay put til after the kids have grown up.

CarrieMoonbeams · 22/08/2020 06:59

Make a list OP, pros one side, cons the other, and stick it to the fridge so you can both add to it over the next few days. I always find that really helpful.

Best of luck whatever you choose.

Redkatagain · 22/08/2020 07:02

I would go but I wouldn't burn my bridges.

Is it possible to rent the house out in SE and move and rent a house near his family saying to DH that you'll give it a year. In a years time you can sell your house and buy something there or if you hate it you can come back. I realise you won't get the stamp duty advantage but there is every chance that will be extended anyway and then at least you can still renovate your existing house if you still want to

LilyLongJohn · 22/08/2020 07:12

You will lose your support structure if you move, so if you did decide to go back to work either straight away, or in the future any childcare would have to be paid for, and the running around done by you and your dh. Is your dh the sort who equally bares the burden of childcare, would he leave work early if your dc became ill, take a day off for appointments etc, or would that be completely left to you?

Can you make friends easily? It would be very lonely to start with. Is your dh sociable, would he or you be the type to invite people round etc?

I've moved areas a lot, but I am quite extrovert and sociable so make friends easily, plus my job is v flexible so I can work around childcare. I'm also paid very well so if I broke up with my dh I'd easily be able to support myself and my dc. My dh is also very hands in and any child rearing, house stuff is always 50/50. I wouldn't have been happy to move if any of the above was different

Original poster

MissBPotter · 22/08/2020 07:18

Thanks again, so many good points @orangejuicer I love wales! I agree we need to think really carefully.
@bakedoff it is essentially a village which is quite up and coming and there is not exactly a gym but there are classes, there are nice places for coffee and there are social events going on. There are schools and there is a station, so it’s not an isolated middle of nowhere type place exactly, but it’s not huge. I don’t really go to any social events where I am anyway - even before lockdown.... However moving during a pandemic is probably not the best time to make any friends or acquaintances.
I like the idea of not biting bridges and will definitely discuss this with dh.

OP posts:

orangejuicer · 22/08/2020 07:40

Maybe not so much today but I love this weather!

Joking aside, if you are talking about Wales there are many benefits to living here. Bear in mind your kids will need to learn Welsh in school, so I don't know if that would be something to think about.

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