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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just cant leave...

29 replies

Anxiousmarie · 21/08/2020 14:33

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3987278-Is-it-furlough-or-a-realisation?msgid=99207217#99207217

This is a follow on from my previous post, so Sunday night i woke up to DP awake in the middle of the night all stressed out saying i have been cold and distant and thinks we should split. Anyway after many talks abd revelations from me that he makes me anxious etc we decided to give it another try. The devestation from DP and DS was just awful. Now i feel more trapped than ever before DP constantly wants cuddling even comes home from work as hes sad and needs cuddling as he loves me so much and his eyes have been opened to how much he loves me etc. However he has been through my phone and read messages that iv have sent to close friends about whats gone on and he has gone into paranoid overdrive but doesnt know i know he has read my phone. My best friend haa invited me round on sunday for a chat and drink , he says he wants me to go and it will do me good but is worried i will come home and end things its really putting a downer on it. He wants me to cuddle him first, say i love you first and get the spark back but i still just feep exhausted by it all.

OP posts:
namechange12a · 21/08/2020 14:40

OP I couldn't get through the wall of text in your last post and have no idea what's going on.

What is preventing you from leaving? You say: I can't leave - in the subject heading.

You then go on to say that you have a long discussions with your partner about the relationship and decided to work on things with him.

So you don't want to leave and you want to work on the relationship?

What do you want to do?

Windmillwhirl · 21/08/2020 14:43

What do you want to do? Separate or keep cuddling him?

This is emotional blackmail.

Breakups very often hurt people but they are not a reason to stay in a relationship you dont want to be in.

Work out what you want and do it x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2020 14:46

Some abusive men do also use the threat of killing themselves to get their victim to stay with them. Its a tactic that such men often use to their advantage. He likely has no intention of killing himself; he likes having you around to abuse, mistreat and otherwise destroy you from the inside out.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. He absolutely cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2020 14:50

You're being played here like a violin by this man. Many abusive men are highly skilled at manipulating their target, in this instance you, to make them think its all your fault

He does not and has not given a fig about hurting you and your son here, his actions are all about power and control and wanting absolute over both of you. This is no relationship model for your son to be witness to either.

Yeahnahmum · 21/08/2020 14:57

So you can't leave because... he wants to cuddle ?

goody2shooz · 21/08/2020 15:16

Please start putting yourself first and stop thinking about him and his little world. Believe everyone on here, he is doing just that. Everything you’ve said I. The last thread and this one just screams ‘get out of this relationship’ and when you are free of this dead weight albatross dragging you down you will feel SO much better and so much less anxious. If you could leave and he’s just say nothing you’d be out the door like a shot wouldn’t you? Your, and your son’s, happiness is every bit as important as this gambling, sponging, lying man - if not more. You’ve tried your best here, now set yourself free. YOU DESERVE A DECENT LIFE!

Original poster
Anxiousmarie · 21/08/2020 16:17

Thanks for all your replies.

I wish my head would just decide and be sure but when it comes to it i just crumble. He has arranged some councilling that i think he has always needed but i just feel like all the years of hurt have been brushed aside. When it all came ahead at the beginning of the week my mum came to see me and he came home from work as he was too upset he then wemt to his parents with DS so i could talk to my mum but he soon came home for another talk. He told me how upset DS and his parents were and how our friends want us to try. Then i went with my mum to my sisters in the evening and he kept messaging then called me in tears to say him and DS missed me and were upset. I then came home as his friends were here as he messaged them to say that if DS wasnt there he would be dead. I just feel under immense pressure and i feel like i cant call or message anyone about my feelings as he keeps springing up at any given moment

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2020 16:28

"He told me how upset DS and his parents were and how our friends want us to try".

Its not up to any of those people though is it, its up to you because you are the one currently in a "relationship" with him. I also think he is lying through his teeth and would think that your friends in particular would want you to leave him. He is merely using these people as a tool to keep you with him. He is incapable of feeling hurt and just wants to hurt you, his actions towards you scream manipulation and abuse. And I doubt too he will ever see any counsellor.

Stop crumbling and find it within you to permanently end this car crash relationship before your son becomes just like this man you've allowed into your life. You were targeted by this man and deliberately so; he saw an emotionally vulnerable woman with little self worth and piss poor boundary issues. You were and still remain very attractive to him because of this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2020 16:30

How dare he as well use your son as a tool here in such a manner. Of course he would not be dead if your son was not here; he enjoys the power and control he wields over you like a hammer.

Please talk to Womens Aid, they will NOT laugh at you nor will they accuse you of wasting their time. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

namechange12a · 21/08/2020 16:39

Oh my God OP - you have a real manipulator on your hands. This one will use every trick in the book. Truly awful behaviour.

Steps to take when you can't think straight are to get counselling so you can talk through what you're feeling with someone in a safe space. Try BACP for counsellors.

Redcups64 · 21/08/2020 16:40

If you don’t know what you want, how can anyone give advice?

You need to figure that out first then go from there. It needs to be on your own merit though, regardless of what other people will think or do, it’s not about them, it’s about you.

chatterbugmegastar · 21/08/2020 16:44

If you don't know whether to stay with your bloke then you don't want to stay

Leave

End it

Move on

His manipulative behaviour is quite appalling

angelofthelight · 21/08/2020 16:56

I feel smothered just reading your posts. It's not up to you to make a person happy all the time, this is co dependency at its worse. I wouldn't want my child around this thinking it's normal.

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2020 17:33

He’s laying it on thick isn’t he. He’s manipulating you and that shows how little he thinks of you.

It’s time to end this.

Original poster
Anxiousmarie · 21/08/2020 19:17

But why cant i just break free from the relationship Sad

I have wanted to contact womens aid after a friend mentioned it to me that i should but i cant find a time when hes not either randomly coming home unannounced or stuck to my side like a lost puppy dog, plus i have DS at home with me all day. He keeps questioning things i know he has read in my messages like my friend saying 'youve been unhappy for a while' and I dont want you thinking im mentally abusing you. I want to scream yes you are and i think you always have but it just doenst come out and i just act like a complete drip and reassure him and mop his brow as such . His Mum has said im depressed and shouldnt end things or make rash desicions but i really dont know what he has told her

OP posts:
namechange12a · 21/08/2020 19:21

So in answer to the question you do want to leave him but don't know how.

Are you married?
What's the housing situation?

Original poster
Anxiousmarie · 21/08/2020 19:24

@namechange12a

So in answer to the question you do want to leave him but don't know how.

Are you married?
What's the housing situation?

Yes i think i do (should) i feel like i have reached my limit now.

No we are not married, thats another story he is desperate to get married iv just never felt it was right.

We are in socail housing not sure about the ins and outs of that but i presume it is fairly straightforward

OP posts:
namechange12a · 21/08/2020 19:27

Are you both on the tenancy agreement for social housing?

Original poster
Anxiousmarie · 21/08/2020 19:29

Yes we arr

OP posts:
chatterbugmegastar · 21/08/2020 19:32

But why cant i just break free from the relationship

Because there's a part of you which enjoys the drama and attention

Just end it. Cold turkey. You'll be reet

namechange12a · 21/08/2020 19:42

I would contact your housing officer. Have a copy of your contract for the call or meeting. You need to discuss your options as he has a right to remain in the property if he's on the contract.

OP you need to start taking control of this. The reason you feel so lost, hopeless and powerless is because you are letting other people bully you.

You can contact Gingerbread about child maintenance, contact, benefits and any other questions you have about separation. They can't give legal advice but they can give comprehensive advice on most issues relating to separation: 0808 802 0925

Citizens Advice also has a comprehensive website where you can get advice on most issues relating to separation.

Don't tell him what you're doing OP as he'll ramp up the manipulation and start threatening suicide. He may also get your child involved. Just make the calls or email if you can't call without him knowing.

Clear your internet history.

Change all your passwords and delete emails from the 'Sent' box.

Original poster
Anxiousmarie · 21/08/2020 21:15

@namechange12a

I would contact your housing officer. Have a copy of your contract for the call or meeting. You need to discuss your options as he has a right to remain in the property if he's on the contract.

OP you need to start taking control of this. The reason you feel so lost, hopeless and powerless is because you are letting other people bully you.

You can contact Gingerbread about child maintenance, contact, benefits and any other questions you have about separation. They can't give legal advice but they can give comprehensive advice on most issues relating to separation: 0808 802 0925

Citizens Advice also has a comprehensive website where you can get advice on most issues relating to separation.

Don't tell him what you're doing OP as he'll ramp up the manipulation and start threatening suicide. He may also get your child involved. Just make the calls or email if you can't call without him knowing.

Clear your internet history.

Change all your passwords and delete emails from the 'Sent' box.

I cant thank you enough for all this information, i am completely clueless in regards to things like this but also have been worrying about things in regards to DS.

I use a secret page for all of these things but may need to set up a secret email account too.

OP posts:
namechange12a · 21/08/2020 21:29

It's no problem OP am happy to help. If it's difficult to use the phone, you can use pharmacies under the No More scheme. Go to any Boots, Superdrug Pharmacy, Morrisons Pharmacy, or one of the independent pharmacies involved in the scheme. Go to the healthcare counter and ask to use their Safe Space. You can make calls from there. You don't have to just use it to phone a DV organisation, contact Gingerbread from there or your housing officer.

Original poster
Anxiousmarie · 29/08/2020 19:47

Update

So after the week of.over the top attention and me seeing him on my phone theb questioned him and being told no he hasnt so i showed him the app and all the times he had been through my phone.

He moved back to his parents devestated and everyone has told him to give me space which he hasnt done. So i saw him yday and made it very definate and now i feel absolutely horrific, he is still calling if he sees me online to ask if im doing this to go to someone else but on the other hand says he 100% trusts me. All day today he has been messaging and calling with his undying love and i just feel numb Sad

There was an incident on Wednesday evening where he came to our house to chat with me and i wasnt there as i went to my sisters for dinner last minute. He called in tears and ended up driving to my sisters for me to go out for another chat. A little while after he left he called to speak to our son my son went white and said daddy said sorry for all the times hes told him off then hung up, he had also sent a txt with words to a similar affect. I then messaged to say r u ok, dont do anything stupid to which he didnt read. I was then convinced he had gone to kill himself. I called one of his friends to call him and no answer then i tried and went to answer phone. I then started to write a message to say im calling the police and he rang to say he had gone on a walk and left his phone in the car. Which made me feel like an absolute nutter, he insists this was innocent and there was no final wording meant but i just dont know.

Right now i feel like the suffocating life was easier

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 29/08/2020 20:34

No Marie! No, it really wasn't. Debt, gambling, controlling, smothering...

The suicide threats are designed to get you back, any time he threatens, get the police to do a welfare check. That is the limit of your responsibility. Even if he does attempt, that's on him and nothing to do with you. No more chats, no more texting, it's over. I hope you can remain resolute and look forward to a peaceful life with your DS. 🌺

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