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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't trust my wife anymore

43 replies

Air20 · 21/08/2020 11:01

Hi all, I'm new to MN and this is my first post. I'm after some advice because my mind is all over the place at the moment, and I'm not sure what to do.
We've been together for 20 years and have a 3-year old son. We have a good (well I thought we did) relationship, and do love her to bits. Over a month ago, as I was getting into bed I saw her messaging her 'first love', as she later called it. She deleted the message and said that - It's best that she did as I would have got the wrong end of the stick because there's noting going on. Later, she admitted they were talking about the sex they use to have.
I told her out right that I was not happy and, she said that she will delete him of FB which she did. A few days later, I get a friend suggestion on FB, and guess who it is - her 'first love'. I ask her if she friended him again, to which she said yes, 'and I'll talk to who I want', she said. I just couldn't believe why she was doing this. She unfriends him again. So, by now I'm beginning to not trust her and what she is telling me.
She has the password access to my phone and I have to hers. she changes her password. One evening her phone does not lock in time as she leaves the room and I look through it (I know, wrong of me). She has been talking to the mother of the bloke telling her how she thinks about him all the time, wanting to spend a day out with him and if the mother can arrange this.
That was the final straw for me. I confront her and asked why she did this, and why does she want to meet him, she said, 'to see what happens'. I can't trust her anymore. I not sure what to do. Do I just ride it out and see what happens? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Cabinfever10 · 21/08/2020 11:05

Tell her to leave. Its clear that she intends to cheat

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 21/08/2020 11:09

You asked why she was meeting with her ex and she said “to see what happens?”
No this is not ok.

I don’t think it’s ok to tell someone who to be friends with, but when she has been reminiscing about sexual experiences with this person, lies to you about contact and then tried to meet up with him to “see what happens” behind your back then this relationship has come to an end.

JadesRollerDisco · 21/08/2020 11:11

She's not going to cheat, she has already Cheated. That is cheating

NCParanoia · 21/08/2020 11:13

I'm so sorry OP, that mist be really upsetting. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to 'see what happens' with thier ex or who showed me such a lack of respect and decency. I would end the relationship as hard it would be. I would never be able to trust them again.

Aussiebean · 21/08/2020 11:13

She sounds really checked out of your relationship.

Her ‘to see what happens’ is a real dismissal of her actions and your feelings.

seensome · 21/08/2020 11:13

No ditch her, she's too emotionally involved in him

backseatcookers · 21/08/2020 11:17

Her ‘to see what happens’ is a real dismissal of her actions and your feelings.

This. She sounds absolutely horrible.

IDontWantToGoToBed · 21/08/2020 11:19

I'm sorry. But I would get a DNA on your child.

cosmo30 · 21/08/2020 11:20

She's got some front!

ElvisPawsley · 21/08/2020 11:56

You're right not to trust her, your wife sounds horrible and completely dismissive of you and your feelings.

Divorce her and leave her to her 'first love', bet it doesn't last 5 minutes but you won't have to live your life wondering what's going on, it's a horrible way to live.

The cheating (because that's what it is) is one thing but her dismissal of you and your feelings would be the straw that broke it for me. I wouldn't want to work through it if my husband made it clear he thought so little of me.

Dontletitbeyou · 21/08/2020 11:58

When she’s told you ‘ to see what happens ‘ she’s telling you she wants to meet up with this guy , and if the opportunity to have sex with him comes up , she will take it . She has no regard for you or your feelings .
If you are happy to stay with her , knowing this , you are going to get well and truly walked over .
She sounds like a really nasty piece of work . Leave her to it , move on .

AnyFucker · 21/08/2020 11:59

Wow. Does she think you are some kind of mug ?

She is cheating in plain sight.

Tell her to leave.

MizMoonshine · 21/08/2020 12:00

Throw her out on her arse. She's disrespecting you.

GazingAndGrazing · 21/08/2020 12:05

How heartbreaking for you. Do you have somewhere to go for a few weeks with your child?

ChickensMightFly · 21/08/2020 12:05

Oh that's so horrible. An utter betrayal of your relationship and a cruelly cool admission that she's open to things with him. If her feelings for you have changed and she is interested in this other person she should do the honourable thing and address things with you first by letting you know how she feels. The fact that she is happy to embark on exploring this in secret and blase when you discover it is harsh.
I struggle to see how you could salvage anything from this, even if she is willing to commit to you the trust will be so hard to recover unless she is really willing to make it happen which it doesn't sound like she would be.
Sure it's not ok to tell someone who they can be friends with, but this isn't what we're talking about here, you were asking her to back away from what was about to be an emotional affair and she correlated that reasonable request with controlling her friendships - it's apples and pears.
I'm so sorry this bolt from the blue (as you say you thought you were happy together) has happened. It sounds like to need to get advice for the worst and organise your affairs. Flowers

NailsNeedDoing · 21/08/2020 12:09

You can’t trust her for a good reason, she isn’t deserving of your trust. She’s outright disrespecting you and your relationship.

You will find it soul destroying to stay with someone you have good reason not to trust, and if you stay she will continue doing what she’s doing because ‘riding it out’ basically gives her the green light to do what she wants knowing you’ll put up with it.

I agree you should make her leave, and then refuse to listen to her when she begs for forgiveness when she has nowhere else that she wants to go.

Bunnymumy · 21/08/2020 12:22

That last part...what.a.bitch.

Sorry but she is not a nice person. Cheating or not, I wouldn't want to spend any more time with this ice queen. That last sentence told you exactly who...and what she is.

Be prepared for her to try and manipulate and backtrack when she realises you have cottoned on that she is a nasty little narcissist. But don't be fooled.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/08/2020 12:25

she's already cheating on you. At the very least it's an emotional affair.

Look it up. So sorry OP.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/08/2020 12:27

I would keep my cards close to my chest until you know the extent of it.

Pockets, receipts, emails, computer, car, google maps history

It'll be there.

AnnaFour · 21/08/2020 12:43

To see what happens? Bloody hell thats a really horrible response. You’re right not to trust her. In terms of advice what to do well I guess now you need to decide whether you will accept being treated this way and if not what action you will take. If it were me I’d be considering options including breaking up.

FlapsInTheWind · 21/08/2020 12:48

Well she's told you straight she doesn;t give a shit about you OP.

Act accordingly. Ask her to leave.

DillonPanthersTexas · 21/08/2020 13:10

to see what happens

With this line alone she has pretty much admitted her intention to cheat. Sorry you are going through this but she does not seem even remotely interested in your feelings and is happy to keep you as a back up option if things with her 'first love' don't work out. Time to take ownership of your own well being plan your exit strategy.

Tootletum · 21/08/2020 13:13

I'm so sorry. Just let her know where the door is and let her know the divorce papers will be in the post.

Isitsixoclockalready · 21/08/2020 13:17

That's outrageous. Your 'D' W is taking the piss.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/08/2020 13:19

As posters say on MN

"get your ducks in a row "

Think about what YOU want. You might not want to end this relationship. But your hand might be forced.
Gather information.
Get a good idea of all the family financials. Make copies.

You are probably feeling devastated. Take care of yourself.

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