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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't trust my wife anymore

43 replies

Air20 · 21/08/2020 11:01

Hi all, I'm new to MN and this is my first post. I'm after some advice because my mind is all over the place at the moment, and I'm not sure what to do.
We've been together for 20 years and have a 3-year old son. We have a good (well I thought we did) relationship, and do love her to bits. Over a month ago, as I was getting into bed I saw her messaging her 'first love', as she later called it. She deleted the message and said that - It's best that she did as I would have got the wrong end of the stick because there's noting going on. Later, she admitted they were talking about the sex they use to have.
I told her out right that I was not happy and, she said that she will delete him of FB which she did. A few days later, I get a friend suggestion on FB, and guess who it is - her 'first love'. I ask her if she friended him again, to which she said yes, 'and I'll talk to who I want', she said. I just couldn't believe why she was doing this. She unfriends him again. So, by now I'm beginning to not trust her and what she is telling me.
She has the password access to my phone and I have to hers. she changes her password. One evening her phone does not lock in time as she leaves the room and I look through it (I know, wrong of me). She has been talking to the mother of the bloke telling her how she thinks about him all the time, wanting to spend a day out with him and if the mother can arrange this.
That was the final straw for me. I confront her and asked why she did this, and why does she want to meet him, she said, 'to see what happens'. I can't trust her anymore. I not sure what to do. Do I just ride it out and see what happens? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Wondersense · 21/08/2020 13:22

she said, 'to see what happens'.

Errr....sorry.....what???? To see what happens???? And you're supposed to just sit there and find out are you?

No wonder you don't trust her. I think it's time for you to accept that your wife is on her way out of the door.

It's time for you to sit down and discuss with her why she hasn't been honest with you about how she feels in this relationship. It might be that she feels that her needs weren't met, whilst yours were and she felt that was not going to change. If you're not interested, then that's understandable, but it might be good to discuss it before ending things.

DillonPanthersTexas · 21/08/2020 13:32

It's time for you to sit down and discuss with her why she hasn't been honest with you about how she feels in this relationship. It might be that she feels that her needs weren't met, whilst yours were and she felt that was not going to change.

Fuck that, she is literally teeing up an affair in front of the OPs eyes and does not care a jot if knows or not. That's a special level of cruelty and contempt. The time for a considered sit down to discuss the marriage was before she started contacting her 'first love'.

Temple29 · 21/08/2020 13:42

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Definitely sounds to me like she has just planned to cheat on you and isn’t even trying to hide it or apologize for her behavior.

Out of curiosity what did you say to her when she said she wanted to ‘see what happens’? What was her justification for that comment?

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 21/08/2020 13:51

I second everything PPs have said, especially about getting your ducks in a row - get a good solicitor and get the groundwork done, because this woman will take everything up to and including the fillings in your teeth when she finally decides to go off with her "first love".

Jayaywhynot · 21/08/2020 14:15

Let me throw a cat in amongst the pigeons, a bit of a reality check if you will.
Baloney - it's not right to checking your partners phone - if you suspect something you should absolutely check their phone/tabket or whatever, you need to protect yourself & if someone is lying/hiding something you have a right to know.
Baloney - you cant tell someone who they can be friends with - oh yes you can especially if they are having an inappropriate relationship, she has a choice, be friends with him or leave.
Your wife is at least having an emotional affair and at worst its about to become real.
Shes a cheat and I agree with other posters you need to play your cards close to your chest and get ready to leave her. The fact she is contacting his mother shows this is serious
If a woman posted your post on fb we'd all be advising LTB

Shouldershrugger · 21/08/2020 14:15

Please tell me you have chucked out that disrespectful, selfish, deceitful and shameless, pathetic ensemble of a human being out of your home and your life?! She's awful. Have some respect for yourself, cos she has absolute none for you, and sling the cf out. Sorry you're going through this op

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 21/08/2020 17:17

LTB, you deserve better than her.

user1481840227 · 21/08/2020 17:34

It's definitely cheating. It doesn't matter if it hasn't become physical yet and she has no intention of giving him up as she's clearly addicted right now and defiant and doesn't care what you think or how you feel. Clearly she's focused on him only.

I don't think there's much point in riding it out. Even if she eventually gives him up you might feel happy and relieved for a while...but then will probably resent her once those feelings pass.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

MsDogLady · 21/08/2020 19:24

OP, you need to get out in front of this immediately. Your W is already emotionally and sexually cheating, and will soon be physically unfaithful when she goes on her date with OM.

Don’t wait around passively while she makes a mockery of you and your marriage/family. Show her the door pronto.

Skyla2005 · 22/08/2020 07:47

She wants out of this relationship I’m afraid you need to separate

Guavaf1sh · 22/08/2020 07:57

Agree with others - you will never (should never) trust her again. LTB

Bunnymumy · 22/08/2020 11:12

No need to sit down and chat, no amount of reason from you will make her a decent human being.

She may even have done all this so publically deliverately, in order to show you how little she thinks of you and to get you to sit about fretting about this other man (narcissistic triangulation).

I'd be surprised if you hadn't seen hints of her true icy nature over the years and just tried to overlook it. But either way, you know what she is now. Run!

Bunnymumy · 22/08/2020 11:12

*deliberately

Air20 · 22/08/2020 17:06

Thanks everyone for the advice and your thoughts. I've not really got anyone who I could have spoken too, and this has really got me thinking and I, now know what to do. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 22/08/2020 17:11

Good luck!

Oh and make sure you take your share from any joint accounts and maybe speak with a solicitor before giving her the heaveho, because she sounds the sort to leave you potless in the gutter.

Air20 · 22/08/2020 17:11

When she said it - I was like, 'what, see what happens?' She went, 'oh I didn't mean it like that'. I said, what did you mean then? she just walked out of the room.

OP posts:
ChickensMightFly · 22/08/2020 19:22

That is very callous and evasive.
Oh that must be very hurtful, I'm so sorry. You have got a dishonourable cold hearted person where you wide you thought you had should be. I'm flabbergasted she could be so off-hand. 😔

ChickensMightFly · 22/08/2020 19:23

Should say...The wife you thought you had

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