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Original poster

Relationship with work Colleague

41 replies

Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 09:20

Hi I got chatting to a guy who works on my department via messenger and we got on so well that we have secretly been seeing each other for 7 months and fell in love. I have 3 boys he has none. He loves the idea of marrying me but can't because of my life. He said he can't take on my 3 boys as he has his own issues and I don't wish he does as the boys have their dads. Two of the boys are young so he doesn't see a future with me and says it is what it is nothing can be done about it. He also worries at work what people might say as I split up with ex new year but also works at same place. Can anyone see this relationship developing? I don't want to leave him I love him so much that it's sad we did not get together years ago.

OP posts:
boomchikawowwow · 21/08/2020 09:23

This is going nowhere. End it. He doesn't want anything to do with your boys. Sounds to me like he's stringing you along.

PicsInRed · 21/08/2020 09:23

I think he's stringing you along.

Dozer · 21/08/2020 09:26

What’re you thinking still dating him? You barely know him, and he’s been clear he doesn’t want a long term relationship with you because you have DC.

Don’t date men at work. It won’t benefit your career and you need your income.

In fact, don’t date at all until you’ve worked on your self esteem and raised your bar.

JorisBonson · 21/08/2020 09:26

Can anyone see this relationship developing?

No

Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 09:31

We went away together last week and loved it. I don't want any guy to take on my boys or live with us. I'm in 2 worlds too. The love and affection is what I want with a guy but the other world is me and my boys. I can't truly commit to a guy for at least 10 years. A guy won't wait 10 years also this guy says he not sure how long he can keep going in his life. I was trying to think of enjoying myself for what life there is as life's so short.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 21/08/2020 09:33

Your priority are your boys. You can only be with someone if you keep your home life separate from your love life or if it's someone who is happy and prepared to play a major part in your boys' lives.

I don't intend on living with a man again or at least whilst my kids live with me. I would only consider dating someone who has kids and ideally around the same age, otherwise it is very difficult.

You've only recently split up with your husband and you jumped straight into another relationship. It is ok to be single and to wait until you find someone who is truly compatible.

Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 09:34

He's 55 and I'm 46 so no spring chickens. He is genuine of his feelings towards me. He worries about what people will say and feel we'll be split from the same dept. I've never felt so loved like I have with this guy. I've put up with a lot from the other guys (lot of regret but can't change the past). I told myself not to go out with anyone from work again but there's always been something between us but I was in a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 09:39

I'm happy to see him away from my family home. It would be the same with any other guy no involvement with my family just me. Me wanting company etc and not taking it too serious I suppose to enjoy myself outside of home. I wouldn't expect any guy to take on my kids or me tale on theirs. My 2 boys have issues and that's enough for me. I love my outlet outside even though not truly dating the guy, but happy being with someone who is affectionate to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 09:42

sorry error there meant to be take not tale*

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 21/08/2020 09:43

He has told you he doesn't want to be together openly. So that's that. He's unkind for continuing to see you knowing that you want more but you need to be accountable for allowing that to happen. You have autonomy over your life and you're choosing to pursue something that has no real future that will bring positivity, security and harmony into your life. You're choosing a headfuck that will only get worse. Time to stop this.

PurpleIsTheColour · 21/08/2020 09:44

He has clearly told you OP that he has his own issues and doesn’t want a woman with kids as that’s a pretty big baggage and he doesn’t want to commit and be a true part of your life. Of course it’s so nice to go away only the two of you but reality is that you can’t have anything serious with this man-the more you go out with him the deeper your feelings will become and you don’t want to end up heartbroken because what are you going to tell your kids when they see you so sad? It must be difficult enough for them that you’ve split up with their dad so I don’t think that it’s a good idea to further confuse them. I think that you should give yourself some time as a single and work from there. I don’t agree that you can’t meet someone for 10 years at least, there are plenty of men around that are happy to be with a woman that has children, you just haven’t met one of them yet!

altiara · 21/08/2020 09:56

Sounds like he’s trying to leave the relationship! He’s told you:
-he has issues
-he can’t take your boys on
-he sees no future with you
-he’s worried what people at work might say

To be honest, sounds like you both fancied each other for a long while, after you split with your H, you both went for it. You fell in love and he just had his fantasy satisfied and now wants out.

Maybe as previous poster said, take some time out being single.

Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 10:03

I know but the only thing I feel I could do is seehow things really go its only been 7 months still early days and anything could happen.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/08/2020 10:06

One thing that is definitely going to happen is that he is going to head towards retirement and is adamant that he does not want to take on three young children. He is telling you in so many words that he doesn't want a relationship. I dare say he is happy to have sex with you but he does not want a relationship with you.

mamaoffourdc · 21/08/2020 10:10

He just wants the sex with no commitment - you deserve better!

Sakurami · 21/08/2020 10:13

The man is 55 with no kids. Has he ever been married or been in a long term relationship? It sounds like he doesn't want a proper relationship with anyone, just a bit of fun to begin with and when things get serious, he makes an excuse to stop. He's known you had kids from.the beginning yet it is only a problem now. I think going after an emotionally unavailable man like him will only mean heartbreak

AfterSchoolWorry · 21/08/2020 10:14

I don't think he feels the same as you. All three things he said are just excuses. If you are truly I love with someone nothing stands in your way.

I think you're in love and wishful thinking.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2020 10:32

He has been honest and is not stringing you along. Stringing along would be him saying he sees a future or he may change his mind.

He's crystal clear... the rest is up to you. If you want a good thing for now that's ok... he's within his right to not want a permanent relationship with you as you have 3 kids... you're within your right to end the relationship because of it.

Relationships with colleagues can get messy..especially with your ex working there too.

Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 10:50

He's never been married not been intimate with me either

OP posts:
upupandaway87 · 21/08/2020 10:58

Op did you wrote another thread about two weeks ago ? I would 100 percent leave him I know how hard it is for you . But when a man doesn't want anything to do with your kids it's a massive red flag . If you did get together your boys would resent you in the end because of the way he would treat them . My mother was with a man who didn't really want me around and it was horrible x

PicsInRed · 21/08/2020 11:38

@Ecco28

He's never been married not been intimate with me either
What's the point of this?

This isn't a relationship, it's a friendship, and not a great one at that.

AfterSchoolWorry · 21/08/2020 13:50

@Ecco28

He's never been married not been intimate with me either
Confused

How could you fall in love with someone you've never slept with?

He could be asexual or have a micro penis! There's a good reason he's never been in a long term relationship, marriage etc at his age!

Original poster
Ecco28 · 21/08/2020 14:15

Something bad in his personal life that he has guilt for and has carried that with him and can't forget he wants to get intimate he was in a dark place and I've helped him live a bit more.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/08/2020 14:21

Are you getting what you want from this relationship?

If you are stay. If not... can it a day.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2020 14:22

Typo
call it a day

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