Two Days Out And Scared Sh*tless

[Separatedat41]

I’m 41, separated and I have just moved out. It has hit me & I feel like I’m missing an arm. The marriage was up and down. I married out of loneliness and he treated me badly — some verbal abuse from him but he’s not ‘an abuser.’ He’s still my best friend and thinks highly of me. We have two dogs together and they’re with him. The aloneness is really hitting me.

Does this change? Is there hope for me to get over this? I deeply regret the decisions I made and just hope I can move on. I feel a bit sad and humiliated - two days ago I felt relieved and elated!

All advice most welcome.

some verbal abuse from him but he’s not ‘an abuser.’

Being abusive means he's an abuser by definition. They all pretend to be your 'best friend.' That's why we stick around so long. They try and make themselves indispensable so we put up with it all because we think we need them and they're on our side.

The aloneness is really hitting me. Does this change? Is there hope for me to get over this?

Of course it changes and you get past it. It takes time to process it all.
Don't regret leaving him- you've done the right thing. Write down a list of all the nasty things he said/did and when you don't feel strong, look at it to remind yourself. Get angry. Don't let him hoover you back in.
Have as little contact with him as possible. xxx

You left for a reason, keep this to the forefront of your mind. Generally speaking no woman who is loved and respected leaves a relationship.

I wish you well in these early emotionally confusing weeks and months. Things will get better as you adjust to your new normal, keep reminding yourself of all the positives. Good luck.

We are still in contact because of the dogs.

I know why we broke up and I know I could never ever go back to that. It took me a long time to learn that and yes I went back time and time again...but definitely not this time as it’s much more serious.

But he is also good to me and kind to me and in ways I wonder what I’ll do without him! . I swear I’ll never again go back but I feel so scared and lonely. It has hit me that I’m 41 and no husband, no children, no plan! Maybe I’ll feel better in time but right now I can’t get my head around all of this.

Does this sound familiar to anyone or does anyone think there’s hope for starting afresh and having a happy ending with someone else?

Was he being "good and kind" to you while he was dishing out the verbal abuse?
One day at a time!

Does this sound familiar to anyone

I don't think it's rare at all.

does anyone think there’s hope for starting afresh and having a happy ending with someone else?

Of course there is, when you're ready. You could think what might've been red flags/bad signs so you know what to dump any new guys for, and when to dump them.

I get where you're coming from OP. MN tends to be very black and white about abuse but in practice, men who are lovely 99% of the time can still be vile for 1% of the time. And when you split from them, that 99% really hurts to say good bye to. I really sympathise with that tbh.

I felt some of the same things when I first split with my exh and it was very hard.

In time I found my anger - in practice you sort of go through a grieving cycle, you have periods of denial and fantasy about how it was so wonderful, then you cycle back to anger, grief, etc. ime many times over. When I anger hit, the abusive times absolutely enraged me to the point I thought I'd burst. When the denial was in play, my blood would run cold with loneliness and a sense that I might be alone forever.

Of course what really happened is, I found a new partner and we have now been together for many happy years. Most people do pair up again, and many of those have a happier next go-round.

Doesn't stop it from being agonizing while you're dealing with the actual breakup.

Two days in is really really hard still. My heart goes out to you xx you will be ok

You have to be strong in afraid OP. You can do it I promise! If he was "just" verbally abusive that's still abuse, and not okay. It will get easier❤️

Thank you so much to all of you for the advice. MN helped me so much (under a different username) to recognise the issues, to read certain books and to go for therapy. I’ve come on so much and I thank the MN community. Thanks for sharing your stories & opinions.

Oh things were pretty bad all right and I do remember that. We had split a good while before I moved out which frustrates me that I’m not happier or relieved now. Maybe I will be soon.

I do potentially need to get angry but I also know I should never have married him in the first place. I know I need to look forward, not backward. I just want to find fun, sex and joy again - they have been long absent.

I know I need to look forward, not backward. I just want to find fun, sex and joy again - they have been long absent.

It's ok to take time to process what's happened. It was serious. People were expecting me to forget my ex the very same day. It doesn't work that way! Now I've got into looking back at all my previous exes and thinking of things they did that weren't ok. Thinking about it all is healthy. It'll help you protect yourself in future. It's ok to feel whatever you're feeling, for as long as you need to. I got therapy eventually to help me process but it was five months before I felt I needed to do that. My anger wasn't/isn't 'wrong.'

Take your time OP, entering into a new relationship because you are feeling lonely etc is a recipe for future disaster as I’m sure you’re aware. My advice, just take your time, find happiness/contentment in what you have now, the rest will come as an addition to your life, not the reason for it. Best wishes

I do potentially need to get angry -- just a quick one on this OP, you don't "need" to "get" anything. Anger will come on its own timetable, and it will come more than once. You're currently not in an anger space, perhaps you never will be, but most likely you will in time - no need to hurry it along - just take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, and remember that everything passes (and then returns) in time. No feeling is final, especially during a breakup xx

Thanks for your comments. Very helpful. I’ve been grieving this relationship and going to counselling for a year. A part of it is disbelief. Even though I knew this was coming and it was planned, I’m feeling shocked. Relationships have never come easy to me and I’ve been through it all in counselling. I know why and the roots of it all but learning to be happy outside of one is the challenge.

Regardless of his flaws, my ex was there for me when others weren’t and he’s seen me at my lowest and highest. I’ve shared so much with him. Where does all that go? Then there’s telling colleagues etc - they ask questions. I feel a bit embarrassed by it all and it looks like we ‘gave up too easily’ (as one colleague said about another marriage that ended at my age ).

Maybe I need to give up alcohol and become a bit of a health freak! I was hoping to avoid feeling this low this time but I hear what you’re all saying about feeling how I do and going with it.

Hi, as for the telling colleagues, that should be the very least of your worries, honestly! 2 words spring to mind “it’s done”, you do not, repeat you do not owe anyone an explanation if you choose not to give it. Your business not theirs. Their opinions I would suggest are completely superfluous.

Being alone is a skill and takes practice. You need to ask yourself “what do I want, what do I like?”
Are there things you compromised on when in the relationship- the colour of your bedding, not having smelly candles, the music you played in the house?
Start small and follow your wishes. I found music really helped to fill the quiet until I got used to it.
One step at a time do what YOU want. Think about things before you do them to make sure you aren’t just following a habit and that you REALLY want to watch that TV program...
Good luck, once you get into the swing of things it’s quite exciting to find yourself!

Limit the contact while you move forward to finding your own feet.
Find some distractions and looks at it as a fresh exciting stable beginning not a sad lonely time.
It's a feeling of loss in some ways I guess with time that disappears as you will move through your emotions.
A good healthy decision I must add

Find some distractions and looks at it as a fresh exciting stable beginning

Thank you. Those words help a lot. The dogs are pulling us together (I can’t have dogs in my new place so I have to go to his to see or mind them). I think I’m doing ok and then I see him and I’m triggered all over again.

Are there things you compromised on when in the relationship- the colour of your bedding, not having smelly candles, the music you played in the house?

This is definitely an up side to it all! I get to be myself and do as I please which really is very exciting and new!

2 words spring to mind “it’s done”, you do not, repeat you do not owe anyone an explanation if you choose not to give it. Your business not theirs

Very true. I suppose I’m just aware of the gossip and I also feel like some of them will judge me as I’m young to be divorcing but how and ever!

Your comments are really helping me. I just want to get back to being the fun-loving messer I once was!

You know the old saying - ‘today’s news, tomorrow’s fish and chip wrapping’ yep there will be the nosey gossipy old sods who delight in a bit of drama.....when most likely their own lives are far from perfect. Who’s to know, maybe they secretly wish they’d the guts to call time on their own situation, and here’s you that’s actually had the courage to step away and decide you want better for yourself. Onwards and upwards, your morsel of news will soon be overtaken by something else that amuses small minds 😉, all the best, be patient though, it’ll take time.

Look at the positives, you are your own person, you can please yourself what you do, you don't have to please anyone else, clean up after anyone else, if you want to do anything, you can without having to consider anyone else, your new home is your space that you can do what you want in. Don't worry about telling anyone, if you choose to tell them, just say it was a mutual decision, nothing else. The world is yours now, you can do whatever you want whenever you want.

Thanks. It has taken courage to do this and the mixture of emotion is strong. I feel sad, lonely, embarrassed, hopeful, relieved, excited and devastated!

People said upthread about how it’s too soon to date and I’m starting to see that’s true. We were living together but separated for a year, so in a way it’s not that fresh and I feel like I’d love to start dating ... but it’s amazing how moving out really intensified everything. Getting through this will be hard.

Yes, saying it’s a mutual decision is a good idea and as you say, it’s no-one’s business.

I’m very maternal but we couldn’t get pregnant and while I know it’s for the best that we didn’t have children, it still breaks my heart that I don’t (and probably won’t) have them. Above all though , I thought I’d have a life partner. I get on well with people. I thought I’d have my person by now and have waded through the crap ... but I suppose there’s more crap to go first.

Thank you Mumsnetters. Any words of wisdom or advice really do mean the world to me. I guess there’s no quick fix for the way I feel!

I just have a question for the people who recommend limiting all contact (which I agree with). How am I supposed to negotiate the dogs without seeing my ex? You see, there are no pets whatsoever allowed in the new building I live in, so the only way I can see the dogs is by going to ex’s house or meeting him.

Do I need to let the dogs go in order to move on?

This will sound harsh, but the dogs are a link to what you are trying to leave behind. I’d be cutting contact, simplifying my life.

Thanks. I love the dogs deeply but I don’t know what to do because we’re texting constantly about them and he’s already booked me in to mind them next weekend. It’d be different if they could be in my new place but I have to go back there every time.

I think you might be right though. I feel like I’ve really messed up my life.