Two Days Out And Scared Sh*tless

[Separatedat41]

I’m 41, separated and I have just moved out. It has hit me & I feel like I’m missing an arm. The marriage was up and down. I married out of loneliness and he treated me badly — some verbal abuse from him but he’s not ‘an abuser.’ He’s still my best friend and thinks highly of me. We have two dogs together and they’re with him. The aloneness is really hitting me.

Does this change? Is there hope for me to get over this? I deeply regret the decisions I made and just hope I can move on. I feel a bit sad and humiliated - two days ago I felt relieved and elated!

All advice most welcome.

Hey, you’ve not messed up your life at all, that’s way too dramatic. What you’re doing is taking steps to sort your life out. Is he using the dogs as an excuse to communicate with you? If so manipulation could be at play here. If you genuinely want to sever relations with him stop the texts. These are very early days often full of self doubt, regret and indecision. It will get easier, truly.

Thank you so much for replying.

We have a history of him trying to lure me back but since we’re legally separated now, I think that ship has sailed. I think the dogs is on both sides to be honest. I don’t know if I can let go of all of it. I know life will surely get better though, right? Right now I feel so lost, lonely & scared. I haven’t hugged anyone in a long long time which probably doesn’t help.

Some ideas about the dogs...

Can you set a schedule where you collect the dogs and then walk them each week? Rather than discussing them all the time and making plans ad hoc?

Work it as if you are coparents of children but aren't speaking. E.g., have an online calendar with agreed pickup and dropoff times. Use that to negotiate when you might mind them for him as well.

And then in the interim look for a flat that allows dogs? Is that a possibility?

I would stop visiting the dogs at his. Get yourself outdoors with them, the outdoor time is therapeutic as well so it's a win win.

Do any of those ideas help at all? Really it's about looking for ways to reduce contact with him.

Hi. I’m the OP. I closed my account because I was checking Mumsnet obsessively ... but then I saw this most recent comment and had to reply. Thank you so much @rvby for giving my situation such thought.

I bawled crying the whole way back from my ex’s today and it broke my heart to leave the dogs. We’ve had four break-ups in 15 years so you’d think I’d be used to it but nothing could prepare me for this pain.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to see my ex and the dogs at all ... I cannot stop crying.

If anyone has any advice for dealing with this level of emotional agony!!, I’ll repay you with good karma!

Bless you. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much.

Can you go home, run a bath, sweet hot tea, put some funny videos on YouTube and try to ride the feeling out?. It will pass, it really will.

Once you're feeling calmer, try writing out how you feel. It will set you off again, but take it slow, stop if you need to and put something stupid on the tele to distract and comfort you.

Soft comfy clothes, cuddle a teddy if you need to (i started sleeping with a teddy after I left my exh, it helps somehow!).

Do you have a friend to phone? My heart absolutely goes out to you xx

Thank you. I’m eating chocolate & drinking a glass of wine but I know I need to cut out the comfort eating and drinking soon.

I will get a teddy. I slept with a teddy long past childhood & I did get great comfort from him! I guess there’s no shame in sleeping with one at 41!!

This feeling is just so intense. I am going to put some cat videos on YouTube now and just try to switch off.

You are not young to be divorcing. I divorced at 30. Best thing I ever did. Spent 8 years as a single mum, then found a wonderful partner and had my son.

Freedom is addictive, take up a hobby, anything to give you something else to think about

Well done and good luck.

As harsh as it may seem, you are going to have to let go of the dogs before you are able to move onto the next stage of recovering your life.

Get another interest into your life, join a walking group, learn to play the ukulele, take up baking or photography, anything to give your mind a break from the dogs!

Don’t forget that alcohol is a depressant, so try not to over indulge, try chocolate or ice cream instead. Eat regular meals, get proper sleep if at all possible. Buy yourself little treats, a bunch of flowers, a new book etc etc.

Thank you @AmberAndAlexsMum

I look back and wonder why I didn’t leave at 30 — we did break up when I was 30 but I went back and I can’t turn back time!

I’m delighted to hear things worked out so well for you. Stories like yours give me such hope for the future.

Thank you @AdaColeman

I appreciate your words. I’ll have to quit the booze. It’s just a habit at this stage!

This actually breaks my heart in two but I think you’re right when you say this:

As harsh as it may seem, you are going to have to let go of the dogs before you are able to move onto the next stage of recovering your life

I just don’t know how I’ll do it. I have to turn dog ads off the telly and I cry when I see people with their dogs! I feel like I’ve messed up badly.

Ha! The ukulele! Stranger things have happened!