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Original poster

Step kids and baby on the way

30 replies

Trappdbypregnancy · 20/08/2020 20:01

Hi
To cut to the chase, I met gf two years ago at a friend's party, I was working and at University part time and due to finish my degree the the following year. I am 29 and she is 28. She wasn't working then and but now is currently works 9hours a week. She told me the first time we met that she had two children, one aged 7 and the other aged 3 then. She was really honest and upfront, in addition I really liked the girl so I gave it to. From the get go I explained to her that I wanted to spend time with her alone first so we got to know each other. We had booked a caravan weekend in Camber sands but to my surprise when I went to pick her up she had the kids with her bearing in mind this was our third time together. She said she couldn't get a babysitter, which I was pissed off with, she could have cancelled I wouldn't have minded. Ended spending the weekend with her children.
Things moved pretty quickly after, if I asked for time together she would say well the kids know you already so there is no point. To distance myself from her I decided to see her every fortnight which worked well.
We spoke about her children and the possibility of having more in the future. I made it clear to her that I was happy in the relationship but was not ready to move in or have anymore children as I wanted a couple of years to finish Uni, and get a but of experience plus good job before settling. She was ok with this, she said she wanted to focus on her kids so they be a bit older before we settled together.
I finished Uni and got a good paying job, bought myself a new car something I had never done before. We kept seeing each other every fortnight and the odd weekend away the first year. She lives 30 miles away
Fast forward 2 years later we had booked a holiday to Disneyland Paris however this got cancelled 3 days before departure due to the Covid19.
The country went into lockdown when I was at hers preparing for our flights. She asked me to stay at hers as I was fourloghed and so was she, she said she would have struggled with two kids, plus she don't drive and leaves in a village. I agreed out of love.
We had agreed not to have children before so she had cool fitted. However during lockdown she kept claiming she had thrush and believed it was the coil so she had it removed and went back on the pill.
A month or so later to my surprise she said she had missed her period. We done a test and came back pregnant, I was in shock and still in shock. She wants to keep the baby but I am not ready to be dad yet. I only been doing my job for 8 months. And doing further training on PLC programming and software development which I am going to complete next year. She wants me to swap my car for a five door, wants me roive in and wants to be a stay at home parent. This will mean leaving my current job and being the bread winner in the family.
I know it's too late now and the baby is on its way but I am confused.
Also I didn't know how fully bad her kids were till we were in lockdown. They slam doors, call their mum stupid idiot which infuriates me. Also we don't watch TV in the front room as the kids will go ballistic if we changed the channel, so I end up watching telly in the bedroom even though I bought them a telly each for their rooms including the one in the front room. The kids don't eat fruits or veggies at all, they eat snacks. When they miss behave she says sort them out, when I try to they say why don't you just leave and go back to your house, she just says that's not a nice thing to say to him, and nothing else. I feel like she wants to be with me for what I can provide. We had a few disagreements about my responsibility for her children, I am happy to be thier stepdad but I am not their dad. She started crying saying all they want is love from me, which I get but I am not the father. I will take on the role of being a parent to them with limitations Both kids don't see thier dad due to her reasons. I realized who she really is during this time that my mind is telling me to leave her, baby or no baby.
The baby in due in February next year. I can either move in with her but I don't see this working, I am very ambitious and want to achieve as she is not bothered. Or I can just walk away now.
Opinions please

OP posts:
MrsSpookyM · 20/08/2020 20:05

So...you weren't using condoms?

Original poster
Trappdbypregnancy · 20/08/2020 20:07

We was for the first few weeks, but I got convinced that we both wanted same thing so we stopped.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2020 20:14

Stop this madness right now. You fucked up hugely by not using condoms, so now you'll have to deal with it. That being said, this relationship is completely doomed to fail. Don't move in with her and end it immediately.

Focus on your job, save up money for your child, pay maintenance, and do everything possible to have an active role in your child's life. Please don't be one of those men who abandons their child because it's not convenient for them.

ZenZebra · 20/08/2020 20:22

It doesn't sound as though the relationship with your girlfriend has a future. I wouldn't move in with her in your position.

You still need to take responsibility for the baby you helped to create. You will also need to fit your training/job around those responsibilities rather than prioritising yourself.

howlathebees · 20/08/2020 20:26

I would move on from the relationship but you need to take responsibility for this baby.

Carrottop73 · 20/08/2020 20:34

You’ve been trapped! Leave the relationship. Work hard to provide for your child.

FelicityPike · 20/08/2020 20:36

@Carrottop73

You’ve been trapped! Leave the relationship. Work hard to provide for your child.
He’s not been “trapped”...he’s been a stupid bloody idiot having unprotected sex! If he wasn’t ready to be a father, he should’ve been using protection, could’ve ended a helluva lot worse for him!
EatDessertFirst · 20/08/2020 20:37

You haven't been trapped. You chose to make a baby when you didn't use contraception.

Leave the relationship as the contempt you have for your 'gf' and her young kids drips from every word. Pay for and have contact with your child.

MrsSpookyM · 20/08/2020 20:47

@Trappdbypregnancy

We was for the first few weeks, but I got convinced that we both wanted same thing so we stopped.
Ach, you dafty. This is what happens when you don't know someone very well, don't want a child, and yet don't use condoms.
Original poster
Trappdbypregnancy · 20/08/2020 20:58

Thank you,
You rwad that quite well, I feel like there is nothing I can do to change her. Either I live like she does or leave. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life in misery and in resentment. I will look after and be there for my child

OP posts:
Reluctantcavedweller · 20/08/2020 20:59

Agree you should end the relationship - it doesn't sound great.

Beyond paying child maintenance for your child (which you can't avoid), you pretty much can walk away and not bother seeing the baby. Fairly shitty thing to do but nothing to stop you.

I'd make it clear to her what you're planning to do in plenty of time for her to have an abortion if she chooses, though. So there's no false pretences. Too many men are apparently excited about being a dad pre-DC and then the reality of parenting comes as a shock and they walk out. At least don't be in that category.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2020 21:01

Oh dear god. So very many red flags.

Don’t move in, have you moved back out? The two she has now are the responsibility of hers and their fathers. You can’t afford to support them all and don’t have to. You do have to pay towards your child and you should pay towards stuff it needs before it’s born.

Why don’t the other dads see the kids? What are their reasons? Do they pay maintenance?

Her working hours, not being able to drive, potentially rubbish ex’s and misbehaving kids are her problems, not yours.

You’ve been an idiot. Break up with her and try to work out why you went along with this relationship when it was clearly wrong and she trampled over your boundaries. Stay single for a while, you’ve got your qualifications, career and child to focus on.

Original poster
Trappdbypregnancy · 20/08/2020 21:04

I acknowledge my stupidity, I should have known better I got to find out the hard way. Funny enough her family kept asking us when we was going to have a child between us, I always thought they were messing around but everything adds up now. It is my fault I agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Trappdbypregnancy · 20/08/2020 21:08

I plan to stay in childs life and pay child maintenance. She is adamant that she is keeping it regardless how difficult it I'll be with 3 kids

OP posts:
Chezacheza · 20/08/2020 21:12

Trappdbypregnancy my brother was in a similar situation but you’ve got to take a bit more responsibility here.

You carried on seeing her when she took all her kids with you on the trip away. That should of spoke volumes about her.

You dropped her back down to fortnightly so she was really just your shag.

You then moved in with her with her and you must have had some understanding of what her kids were like.

You stayed even though the kids pissed you off

Yeah she probably did get pregnant on purpose but you didn’t help yourself did you?

You don’t have to be with her if you don’t want to. No one should be forced to do that. But you will need to see this baby all the time and get ready to pay maintenance.

My brother was told the woman he was seeing was pregnant with twins. His head was hanging off. Apparently they were the ‘spitting image of him’ when they were born. He was advised by my grandfather to do a DNA test and low and behold they were not even his.

Yep some women actually pull this kind of shit.

Original poster
Trappdbypregnancy · 20/08/2020 21:16

I moved out soon as lockdown was lifted, I am currently seeing her twice a week atm. She says she scared the fathers might kidnap her kids and run away with them. Even though I don't see it that way. Only one pays child maintenance now and again.
You are right I paid for the Disney holiday for all four of us, it was supposed to Spain just us two, but she didn't want to leave the kids behind.
I will update you once I speak to her this weekend

OP posts:
Heartofgoldmumof2 · 20/08/2020 21:36

Sorry you are in this situation OP. A little short sighted and foolish if you didn’t take your own precautions as you Definitely didn’t want to be a father. But I definitely don’t think you should move in. Step up and pay maintenance and be there for your child. But also you should follow your goals too.

Krampusasbabysitter · 20/08/2020 22:21

Get a DNA test. In the future, stick to condoms. Don't move in, you will be expected to provide for all of her kids and possibly taken for a ride. Give it your all at your job and pay a decent amount of maintenance for your child, providing it actually is yours.

Voice0fReason · 20/08/2020 22:23

You haven't been trapped.
You didn't use a condom because you chose not to take responsibility for her not getting pregnant. You left it all down to her and that suited you just fine.
You were never really committed to her in any way, she was a bit on the side who you didn't have to put much effort into.
Now she's pregnant and you've woken up to how poor this relationship is and you think it's not fair that she has done this to you.

You are where you led yourself. Don't whine and blame anyone else.
Tell her the relationship is over but take responsibility as a father.

And don't be such a dick in future.

jimmyjammy001 · 20/08/2020 22:46

Oh dear.... Sounds like hell and like you have been well and truly done over! You say only one pays maintenance, so the 2 kids she has got are with different dads? You will be the 3rd dad on the scene? She has had you hook, line and sinker!

As for her current kids You have unfortunately allready seen first hand what her parenting skills are like during lockdown and how her kids disrespect her so much, that will be happening to the child who you are about to have with her.

You are going to have to dedicate all your time, effort and money to her children now you are going to assume step dad dutys.

Also you say she did not work when you met and now only works 9 hours a week? That would indicate that she relys heavily on benefits, if you end up living together and you earn even a modest salary she will lose all her benefits which could be around £1500 a month with 2 children and you will have to subsidize her benefits, so you will be paying for her and her previous children out of your take home salary, I could go on and on with the negatives with a blendid family but you will find out in due course, feel kind of sorry for what you are going to have to put up with for the rest of your life.

IceniSky · 20/08/2020 22:53

As a quick aside, PLC programming as in ICS? If so, be the father you need to be, but not a partner and seriously focus on ICS security. There is a massive gap.

TinySleepThief · 20/08/2020 22:57

I can't get past that your 28 year old girlfriend has a 7 year old... Hmm

TinySleepThief · 20/08/2020 23:01

Sorry I don't know what happened there I'll try again...

Should say i cant get past that your girlfriend has a 7 and 3 year old and you didn't anticipate there was a chance she would get pregnant if you had sex without a condom. You really need to break up and consider why you thought this relationship would work out.

roxfox · 20/08/2020 23:43

Oh shit. Well, like others say a condom would've been helpful but it's happened to many before you and will continue to happen again and again and again.

The truth is you need to leave and pay maintenance and of course see your child. Sounds like she saw you as a substitute dad some one to step in from the get go. It's a shame you didn't realise before it was too late. Oh well. It's sad but you mustn't resent the child, it's not their fault.

combatbarbie · 21/08/2020 00:04

No point telling you that you have been a fool, you know that. The relationship is doomed but your future relationship with your child doesn't have to be.