I stood up to my mum & she assaulted me

[TirisfalPumpkin]

It just happened. I’m an adult in my 30s, she is 60s. Went round earlier, quickly identified she was in one of her unpredictable moods and was giving me the silent treatment. Dropped off gift for birthday person and tried to leave as I didn’t want to sit there in that atmosphere all evening. Normally would have just suffered in silence while she ignored me or made nasty little critical comments.

This time she confronted me as I was going to leave, denied she was doing anything, then threatened to kill herself ‘because it’s never your fault, it’s always my fault’. I told her it wasn’t okay to talk to me like that and I was leaving.

Then she physically restrained me from going; grabbed my arm, kind of grappled me and trapped me against a wall, body-blocking access to the door. This went on for a couple of minutes until I promised to stay in the house if she left me alone. I have not done that (obviously) and am elsewhere.

There is a hell of a lot of backstory (classic EA, moods, using money/affection to control) but this is a new escalation. She hasn’t been really physical since childhood smacking.

I guess I would tell anyone else ‘report it’ but it’s (as ever) a bit complicated. She needs an advanced DBS to do her work. It would be the end of me having a relationship with the only family I have. She’s still my mum. She has clearly got serious and untreated mental health issues. It’s not like she beat me up or left injuries. She is physically more powerful than me and it shook me up badly but it’s more emotional than physical.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post particularly. Anyone else been here and it worked out okay? What do I do next?

The ironic thing is I’ve been learning about abusive behaviours and assertiveness/self-esteem as I recently split with my cheating husband, and I was starting to (finally) think I could assert some boundaries and expect people to treat me with basic respect. Apparently these are the consequences. It’s unlikely I’m the only person in the world who is undeserving of being treated decently but it feels like it at times.

I’m not really okay so even just a hand hold would be great. sorry if my communication style is weird, I have Aspergers and I guess I am not in the best mind frame currently. Thank you.

Well, you know that behaviour is not ok. If you don't want to report her then what happens next is up to you. Do you want to keep seeing someone who emotionally and now physically abuses you?

I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds very scary and upsetting. No wonder you don't know what to do.

Have a hand-hold until someone more knowledgable comes along.

Oh sweetie 💐💐💐

But you did assert your boundaries - you found the safest way to leave that you could.
I'm sorry it happened.

Have a cup of hot, sweet tea for shock OP. You must be feeling shocked at her behaviour.

What's happened, is that you've started asserting yourself and so she's escalated her behaviour. This is common with abusers of all types. They sense that they are losing control over you and so they escalate.

Before, she would control you by making remarks and using passive aggressive tactics but that no longer works. Now she's trying to physically control you to stop you from leaving.

You're not going to expect this but I want to say: WELL DONE. You've obviously done a lot of work on yourself to have had that kind of reaction. You now need to protect yourself from further incidents.

I hear that you don't want to cut contact and that's understandable. The way I would approach the situation is not to be alone like that with her again. Either have someone with you or meet her outside where other people are around. Leave at the first sign of trouble.

Unfortunately, you do get kick back (literally in your mother's case) when you start to assert boundaries with people. You lose friends, you sometimes get aggressive responses and it's not all goodness and light.

Make it very clear to her, once you speak to her again, that you will not tolerate physical abuse and if she touches you again, you'll call the police.

I had this with my mum in the last year. I work with children so couldn’t risk being in this situation. I tried my absolute best to find a way forward but it wasn’t entirely my problem to solve. I contacted the community midwife about my concerns about her potentially declining ability and have completely backed off.

It’s really hard. I love her dearly and know of her childhood and my heart goes out to her but I must look after myself first.

I really think you should take a complete, extends break from communicating with your mother in order to give yourself the time needed to process what has happened. This isn't ok and the fact she is your mother doesn't give her a pass. Abuse from anyone is not acceptable.

How often do you see her. This is a good reason not to see her in person.

That’s awful. I’m not surprised you feel upset.

Sometimes when you set boundaries with abusive people, they don’t say “Oh I see, my request was unreasonable” and quietly back off. Instead their behaviour actually gets worse initially as they want to see if that boundary you have set is actually real and firm. Their bad behaviour gets worse as they test how strong the boundary is.
So it’s not that you did it wrong, it’s that she is trying to put you back into place. It may take a few goes if you setting boundaries and her kicking off before she accepts the new stronger you and that’s ok.
(Also, she may never accept it and keep getting worse, or you may decided even if it could get better you don’t want to see her and need some space and that’s ok too).

But we’ll done on being firm and getting out of a situation that was bad for you.

In case it’s not clear from my post I think taking a good long break from her would be good for you.

I'm so sorry you experienced this. Quite unbelievable. I'm so happy when my adult children come over I try incredibly hard to make it a positive experience for them.
You actually hold much more power in this relationship than you think you do. Her behaviour is way out of line.

I wouldn't report her but I would either go no contact until she can apologise or I would enter into a dialogue (preferably online) about exactly what her problem is.

Sounds like she's got some backstory. Controlling you through passive-aggressive silent treatment didn't work so she had to control you by physically restraining you from leaving. There's some massive issues going on there.

In your 5th paragraph you have essentially talked yourself out of doing anything to stop this.

If your mother threatened suicide you need to call the police.

Are you ready to take a definitive stand and let the chips fall where they may?

Nothing will change until you reach that state of readiness.

She is your only family and that is sad for you. But until you are ready to walk away from her you will be stuck with this manipulation and coercive control. She is doing this because she knows you are stuck waiting for her approval and love.

She ramped it up because you did try to assert some boundaries. She did it to get you back in your box and do what she says.
No way I'd go there alone again. Chances are I wouldn't go there at all. Meet in public if you have to see her. I'd go no contact.

You really need to report this, if she needs an advanced DBS she is obviously working with very vulnerable people, the next time she loses her temper or gets frustrated she could seriously hurt a vulnerable person.

She shouldn't be working with vulnerable people though. Presuming you aren't vulnerable, she's made you feel very threatened. What if she does that at work? Also if she's threatening suicide she needs help. It would be better for her to get some help and be honest with her employer (and maybe lose her job maybe keep it) than to assault or threaten a vulnerable person, to risk gross misconduct? Or to harm herself?

You say she's still your mum.

I say so ?

The one person who should put you first, never hurt you, support and cherish you.

Yours is a physically abusive bully. It's on her if she gets the sack etc.

You owe it to the presumably vulnerable people she works with to report her. Sounds like she is long overdue a shock.

Thank you, everyone. I am reading and digesting. The sweet tea was an excellent call, I had that entire-body-shaking thing going on that I haven't had since I was in an actual accident, and it worked then and now.

Regarding her job and report/not report - it is a moral dilemma and it's not that I have already decided 'protect mum' vs 'protect vulnerable people'. I think she is mentally unwell and shouldn't be working. Her career is everything to her, she's very good at it, doesn't really have friends or hobbies so her sense of self is tied up in it. Her role is a bit removed from vulnerable people due to seniority and she's remote working at the moment, so does not pose an immediate physical risk. If it seems there's a genuine chance she's going to harm someone (other than me), I think I'd be morally obligated to report, but I'm not sure we're at that point yet. I don't know how good my judgement is at present.

On the suicide threats, she isn't alone and has people with her. I don't think it was a genuine threat, but I guess you can never be absolutely sure. Ideally I would like her to get her mental health assessed, but I'm reluctant to go anywhere near her and I don't know if I can do anything remotely without triggering a multi-agency clusterfuck.

I really thought our relationship was improving, as my parents and mum in particular were hugely supportive through the breakdown of my marriage. In hindsight I wonder how much of that was enthusiasm for being able to control me again now my husband vacated the position.

I completely understand you're reaction as I grew up with trauma too.

My thought though is do you really think it's ok for someone who behaves like that to be doing a job that requires that?
Normally those sort jobs that need a check like that would involve working with vulnerable people or children etc.

It doesn't matter that she is your mother or that there will be possible consequences to her she doesn't get to assault you then guilt you into allowing it.

You are making excuses for her because it makes it easier to cope but she either is ill in which case she can't control herself and isn't safe to be in her role at work or she isn't and can control herself in which case she made a choice to behave that way and then assault you.

@achillesratty

You really need to report this, if she needs an advanced DBS she is obviously working with very vulnerable people, the next time she loses her temper or gets frustrated she could seriously hurt a vulnerable person.

Sorry OP but this is what I was going to say. The checks are there for a reason, for safeguarding. And it means that she should be reported more than most.

If you're determined not to report (and you could be putting someone vulnerable in a dangerous position, but I don't know the situation) then you either need to go no contact or you need to make it very very clear to her that if she ever behaves like that to you again, you will report her and tell her workplace yourself.

Sorry you found yourself in this situation, I hope you're feeling better now.

It really isn't for you to decide if she is safe to work or not. Do you want it on your conscience if she hurts someone other than you ? It would be her fault but guilt doesn't work like that.

So sorry this happened but you are wrong to make that call and assumption about her suitability to work with vulnerable people. Don’t let fear, obligation and guilt cloud your judgement. She has very clearly demonstrated that she is totally unstable and cannot deal with conflict. For all you know, she is an utter nightmare at work. If she is in an actual senior role, she may wield some power over people who all feel reluctant to report her, maybe assuming they are overreacting or not having much support from upper management. She needs to be held accountable for her violent and abusive behaviour.

That's awful OP. I'm glad you've recognised the signs.
No advice. I hope you're okay.

On the suicide threats, she isn't alone and has people with her. I don't think it was a genuine threat, but I guess you can never be absolutely sure.

You would teach her that there are consequences for making that awful threat if you called.

At some point, if you want to change things, you are going to have to poke the bear here.

Bless you op. I'm so sorry this happened to you, what a shock.

I think when it comes to boundaries and the way folk talk about them, there's a sort of underlying, unspoken idea that if you set boundaries, things will get better in your life or relationships.

And the thing is, they will. But not without cost.

Boundary setting means that some people will walk away from you. Some people will get VERY angry with you. And some people, like your mother, may up the ante and accelerate straight into things like verbal abuse, namecalling, and unfortunately physical assault.

At the end of all that, your life will be better because the abuser will lose power over you. But sadly they may hurt you very very badly, on the way out the door. Because they're fucking furious that you have dared to remove their power - people who abuse and who violate boundaries are addicted to power and can become massively enraged when you take their drug out of their hands, so to speak.

This is what's happened with your mum.

People who habitually abuse other people typically also have a great deal of difficulty regulating their own emotions. This is often a motivation to abuse - e.g. "I need to make this feeling [guilt, sadness, you name it] go away - I don't have the skills or maturity to calm myself down - I will put my claws into someone else in order to get this feeling to leave me - if I can make my daughter cry, I will feel powerful and in control again".

So when you take away their ability to get at you, their emotions overwhelm them and they are extremely unskilled in coping with that. So, they lose their shit, sometimes in appalling, unexpected ways. Again, I suspect this is what happened with your mother. You changed the way you interacted with her, she absolutely could not deal with that, and lost it. Like a toddler.

I'm explaining all this to you because if I were in your situation, I personally would be asking "WHY?!!" and this sort of information would help me make sense of it all and see it's not my fault. I'm sorry if it doesn't help you right now. Ultimately the most important thing to say is, I am really really really sorry that this happened to you, you didn't deserve it and you did nothing wrong. Hugs to you.

Nothing weird about your communication style - you've explained it very clearly. I could picture myself there - what a shock to be treated like that! Not all Mums are as kind as we would wish and she is putting herself first with no thought for you, possibly because of her mental health, but still not your fault in any way. Sending hugs to you.