Pregnant and unmarried - what if we separate?

[Rooster22]

Expecting a baby with my boyfriend of 2+ years. We recently got a house together and he is really caring, loving and excited for baby coming (planned pregnancy). I am worried however about the legal ramifications of being unmarried if we were to split up. I will be giving up my job once mat leave finishes as he earns much more than me and it wouldn't make sense child care wise to go back to work and it's suddenly dawned on me how financially vulnerable and dependent I am on him. Is it safer legally to be married - would it protect me more? Anyone been negatively impacted with a split from not being married?

It is only 'family money' while the relationship is in existence. Once it isn't why should one party continue to have any claims to the other's money? Absolutely the child should be protected - no discussion about that. But why should the other party in the couple? When they could have continued to work instead of giving up their (only) source of own income? Nobody is forcing anyone to give up their job, right?

Well whether you agree with it or not, the laws surrounding divorce and ancillary matters are what they are. This is why the OP has been advised by so many people not to even think about stopping work without a marriage contract (and ideally not then either, though obviously she may not be in a position to opt out of the structural factors that so often keep mothers out of the workplace).

On a slight tangent OP, worth thinking carefully about what surname you want to give your baby. Don't default to father's surname. If you still aren't married by the time you register the baby, legally the decision is yours alone.

@Rooster22

Definitely get married. It does give you and the child the most protection.
Thing is - even if you don’t give up your job - in all likelihood your career would get affected. Someone would have to be around with the kids when they are ill, have holidays, school runs and events.
If your bf makes good salary and you can take a few years off - I actually disagree with people re not taking time off. Being a SAHM while kids are small - can be great. If as a family you can afford it.
After that you can decide what you do.

No one plans on divorcing. But it happens. Mostly not right away - often it takes about 10 years to get to the point when lots Of marriages start showing strain. And by then - with marriage, kids and a career that has been affected - IF you were to break up - you’ll be in a far better place then if you don’t marry now.
I have just gone through a divorce, and have been a SAHM who gave up my career. So - I speak from experience.

Good luck

Agree with the surname - give the baby your surname (or at the very least double-barreled). You're not a legal single unit since you're unmarried, so no reason at all why the baby should have his name only, with yours excluded (and in other cultures babies have double-barreled surnames even if married).

If he tries to push back on the surname, that's a good time to have the marriage discussion - why did he assume the baby will have his name when he's chosen not to marry you, despite planning the pregnancy, to make you both a legal single unit, and give you and the baby the legal commitment and protection that brings?

Don't be fobbed off by any promises of marriage "some day" tactics unless concrete plans are made for a marriage before the birth. If that "some day" actually comes, you can easily legally change baby's surname later to just his if you wish which I'm sure he'll be happy to do. In contrast, you can't change baby's surname down the line to yours/double-barrel without his permission, which he's very unlikely to grant in the event of a relationship breakdown.

Op, go on the CMS website and put in his salary to see what entitlement your child would have..it is extremely low. If he chose 50/50 care then you could be entitled to nothing. This is the reality. The look at a benefits calculator. It's the wake up you need. Until you see the figures you won't really understand how vulnerable you will be.

If you think childcare is expensive it's nothing compared to loss of earnings, NI and pension contributions Sadly many men change after a while of supporting a SAHM, they can become resentful or decide that you are no longer valuable given you contribute nothing. Ex H was always so supportive of my sacrifice to support his career and care for our children but I always worked.. just in a lower capacity than before. His career took off, power went to his head and he fought to keep everything from the marriage. Luckily I was married but my sacrifice means I have lost out financially. I trusted him completely like many other women have done.

50% of marriages end..would you take that chance on your future?

What do you mean, what if you separate?

Are you based in England, Wales or Scotland?

Why are you thinking of separating /break ups? Are there any other children involved?

Dont give up your job if possible go part-time and share the childcare expense. Child is bf’s as well after all. I’ve seen so many times on mumsnet, unhappy women unable to leave as they are financially dependent on partner. Nurseries are great for child development.

I’m not married to my DP and have always worked 4 days a week. DS went to nursery 2 days and had 2 days with parents. Now at secondary school I drop him at school and work and get home as he does. I cant give up my job as having been dumped by my exh I like to know I’m independent. If you work in an office you’ll have greater flexibility.

Also these are such uncertain times economically so it is wiser to keep your job. Good luck!

Sorry to hijack, but would you all advise marriage if you're the higher earned, with assets, intending to return to work FT ?

We both wanted to get married. He is the higher earner. I'm the one that will get a very big inheritance in the future (in a country where I cannot be willed out of my inheritance, neither can my dad spend my late mums portion, so it's secure. I could actually claim a portion right now but then my dad would have to give up the house and I don't want that). It's not always as simple as looking at who has the most money right now today.

We got married because we want the legal stuff that comes with it. If we do split up at least both will be financially secure enough to give our child a proper childhood and we will still both have a good enough pension. That benefits our child more than having a parent that needs to scrimp and save every penny.