Pregnant and unmarried - what if we separate?

[Rooster22]

Expecting a baby with my boyfriend of 2+ years. We recently got a house together and he is really caring, loving and excited for baby coming (planned pregnancy). I am worried however about the legal ramifications of being unmarried if we were to split up. I will be giving up my job once mat leave finishes as he earns much more than me and it wouldn't make sense child care wise to go back to work and it's suddenly dawned on me how financially vulnerable and dependent I am on him. Is it safer legally to be married - would it protect me more? Anyone been negatively impacted with a split from not being married?

Keep your job and therefore your security. Can you go part-time that gives a good balance. Childcare is good for little ones it helps when they start school!

I’ve lost count of times ive seen posts of women in unhappy relationships and unable to leave because they have no job as they gave up when having children. Keeping your job keeps your independence. It is possible to find a happy edium of working and childcare. The childcare is a joint responsibility pls dont forget that

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

As a married women, who then subsequently ends her own career path to care for the children, you would have rights in terms of settlements in a divorce. This would include his pension, any increase in salary etc.

Bullshit, she would have to have a very long marriage and be unable to retrain before she was entitled to his salary, which is spousal maintenance. She would be entitled to a possible share of his pension, given as a lump sum in many cases, ie off set against equity or something,

Op, don’t give up work. Married or otherwise, because if you split you’ve fucked your pension and the longer your out of the workplace the harder it is to get back in.

Anyone been negatively impacted with a split from not being married?

Every single person, married or otherwise, who doesn’t work. The question is actually any one who hasn’t been?

Echo what everyone else said. I gave up my career, looked after our kids for 10 years, he grew his business, bought houses and when we split I got nothing.

Several questions that matter here

Who owns the house and by how much, is it 50/50 or in his name? Is it rented as that's a whole other ball game.

Do not give up work. The whole speel if you'll spend all your money on childcare is not true, if your in a low paid job you still get 20% tax free childcare and childminders can cost £4 an hour, that's BEFORE the 20% back.
Even if you go back part time, do not give up your job. You can't just jump straight back once the child gets to school, it dosnt work like that. Plus your putting yourself back 4 years in terms of yearly increases in salary for time served, never mind promotions.
Ultimately you need your own money.

Even if you got married and he left you, you would struggle, if not find it impossible to run a house on benefits. Even if he pays the mortgage through CMS, which he is legally made to do wether your married or not.

I have one friend who's husband left her, and she had gave up work. And another who's boyfriend left her; but she worked. And I'm putting it out there that the friend who worked was 100% fine. The married one ended up taking him back as should couldn't afford the bills and struggled to find work. Both had DC.

Giving up your job is giving up your independence and opportunity to make your own choices. Don't do it.

It's unlikely thank goodness but you also do want to be absolutely sure what the legal position would be if you died in childbirth.
IANAL but if parents are unmarried the mother can bring the father along to the birth registration and he can be put down as the dad on the certificate that way. If the mother's dead, who's to say that Dad really is Dad? But if you're married that's not an issue. The husband is legally the father. Bosh. Sorted.

That's why friends of mine got married just before the baby was born. It's super rare but bad things can happen...
They just nipped down the registry office with a couple of friends - to this day most people don't know, we only found out by accident.

Sorry to hijack, but would you all advise marriage if you're the higher earned, with assets, intending to return to work FT ?

Sorry to hijack, but would you all advise marriage if you're the higher earned, with assets, intending to return to work FT ?

If your partner was going to be a stay-at-home parent, yes. To protect their interests.

Sorry to hijack, but would you all advise marriage if you're the higher earned, with assets, intending to return to work FT ?

If you’re willing to share everything that came into the marriage after the marriage fifty fifty on divorce, and potentially even a share of your pension pot then yes, if you would rather take out of the relationship what you put in, Then no. It is then in your partners financial interests for you to marry them, but not in yours.

However on seperation in either case both parties are expected to work and financially support themselves and contribute to the cost of their kids. Unless as said, it’s a very long marriage and the poorer one hasn’t been in work for w very long time and is too old to realistically retrain and would be in poverty.

If unmarried you both walk away with whatever you brought to the party, it remains yours, and only child maintenance would be due.

I’ve lost count of times ive seen posts of women in unhappy relationships and unable to leave because they have no job as they gave up when having children

Or where they split, the mother is living in near poverty and watching rhe father and his new partner live in a lovely house, treating rhe kids to holidays etc, and rhe best she can do is claim benefits to top up low earnings and living hand to mouth.

Either get married or go back to work full time (or both). Otherwise you are in a very financially vulnerable position.

100% get married before baby arrives. You don't need to have the wedding first. Just get that legal protection in place if you're planning to give up work.

Surprised at rhe folks saying get married, firstly he has a say in this if he wishes to marry or not.

Secondly unless she’s married for a very long time she’s only entitled to half of what came into the marriage after the marriage.

She’s much better keeping working. Proportionally paying child care and protecting herself.

@Bluntness100 that's what I thought. I'm not willing for that and as much as I love my fiancé, you can never know someone 100% so I'm considering just not getting married. Thanks.

Secondly unless she’s married for a very long time she’s only entitled to half of what came into the marriage after the marriage.

Not with a child. A split after even a few years looks at need, and the child has a need to be housed and as a stay at home parents she would be the primary carer. Unmarried parents have zero rights to assets they are not named on in the event of a split, married ones have rights of assets accrued within the marriage. So I do agree that a marriage is a bit pointless if you split after 6 months, but if you're together 5 years or 10 years with a child or two it's the best protection there is short of continuing to work and getting your own earning potential to the point you can live on it alone if you split.

Marriage benefits the more vulnerable, so the higher income earner has little reason to get married other than love and wanting to provide for their spouse if they separate or die (this is a big one personally, to have the right to decide on medical or legal decisions if they can't, especially having seen my grandad in this position unable to make decisions for his partner of 30 years) but there are dozens of threads every day on here from women who are living on tuppence while their DH is the one working and has money for expensive hobbies while they can't afford a winter coat or school uniform, and women who are separating from an unmarried partner and are shocked to discover all the assets in his name and they and the kids are basically homeless and penniless.

If he's a good man he won't ever want to see his kids in that position, but separations are rarely friendly and an unmarried partner is never going to walk away in such a strong position as a married one if there are any assets such as a house, pension, savings etc.

@Bluntness100

Surprised at rhe folks saying get married, firstly he has a say in this if he wishes to marry or not.

Secondly unless she’s married for a very long time she’s only entitled to half of what came into the marriage after the marriage.

She’s much better keeping working. Proportionally paying child care and protecting herself.

OP hasn't said where she lives, but assuming she's in the UK this is wrong. There is no hard and fast rule stating that there's only an entitlement to 50% of what came into the marriage after the marriage unless you've been married a very long time (that last phrase would be a nightmare to enforce!) Particularly if OP is in England and Wales, there is considerable flexibility where a child is involved.

Now that isn't to say OP shouldn't keep working: I quite agree, in fact. Even if they get married I'd still advise it. But we can give that advice whilst not making incorrect statements about the law.

@ThirtyAndASmidgen

I would insist on marriage before you have the baby. If he doesn’t want to then ask yourself why not?

Exactly this. For too many men, women are good enough to have kids with but not to legally commit to. And dont think "having a child is a bigger commitment than marriage" , say that to the millions of single mothers...

Marriage is also the best protection for not only you, but your child.

Also factor in that childcare costs are coming from BOTH your salaries as the child is just as much his...

@Bluntness100

Surprised at rhe folks saying get married, firstly he has a say in this if he wishes to marry or not.

Secondly unless she’s married for a very long time she’s only entitled to half of what came into the marriage after the marriage.

She’s much better keeping working. Proportionally paying child care and protecting herself.

It's not either/or, makes sense for her to do both; get married and also keep her job for the time being (e.g. part time basis), especially in Covid times.

Hold on. Nobody should get married in order to have a claim on someone else's money should the relationship end. I'd go back to work, as others have suggested, and pay for childcare 50/50. Or however you'd like to split it. But you should absolutely retain your financial independence and security. Besides the ethics of it, there are far too many stories of women (because it's usually women, not men) who gave up work to look after the kids, and are then left with no money and no job when the relationship ends.

@SunshineChatter

Hold on. Nobody should get married in order to have a claim on someone else's money should the relationship end. I'd go back to work, as others have suggested, and pay for childcare 50/50. Or however you'd like to split it. But you should absolutely retain your financial independence and security. Besides the ethics of it, there are far too many stories of women (because it's usually women, not men) who gave up work to look after the kids, and are then left with no money and no job when the relationship ends.

That "somebody's else's money" is actually family money: money that he has been able to accrue through the OP looking after his child, and OP contributing to the household in non financial ways. The first priority in any marriage split is meeting the child's needs, and then what is fair for both partners.

This is exactly why marriage is such a good indication of how your partner sees you and the relationship. Those who see family money as "theirs" will have a 'have your cake and eat it' approach which means they have no problem enjoying all the "wife" benefits, but will naturally shun marriage in order to have the right to keep as much of gains as possible for themselves if the relationship gets sour.

*the gains

Get married and keep working. Childcare is a joint expense. Your career and pension are just as valuable as his. It always makes sense to not be financially dependent on another person. Always.

There's nothing even slightly unethical about choosing to obtain a marriage contract in a serious relationship, when you wouldn't otherwise bother, because you prefer the legal and financial position of a spouse over that of a cohabitant. There is no 'besides the ethics of it'.

Do not give up your independence. Even if you just work part time to keep your skills up, that gives you options in the event of a relationship breakdown, DP’s redundancy or or (God forbid) illness.