Prematurely aged parents/grandparents

[StillCounting123]

My parents are good people - want to say that at the outset, and I don't want to slag them off. They gave me and my siblings the best start they knew how to.

But... Now that we are all adults with our own lives and DC it just seems like it's all fizzled out. No real interest, no real interaction from them to us - our hobbies or our children.

They seem to see our children as needing to follow a similar pattern to us as children and seem baffled that things in society have changed in the 30+ years since we were small. Another example is I have 2 extra children than what they had and this seems to blow their minds.

They are both in their late 50s, but seem so much older. Like their minds have atrophied - they have no hobbies and spend 90% of their waking hours watching 24hr news updates or soaps. The rest of the time they are drinking - as soon as 5pm comes they drink until bedtime. Going to Tesco is An Outing and will be their excitement for the day.

My DC are young and it's hectic here. My choice to have so many children, and I'm not complaining. But parents will ring, make a few cheeky comments about noise from DC running around in background then go.

I've given up trying to invite them to things - pre Covid when things like music concerts, school plays, etc were happening - as mum gets upset if things start before 2pm (when she wakes up) or occur in the evening (vodka time). Anything which doesn't take place within a 2 mile radius of my dad's front door is Too Far and Not Worth The Effort.

I've given up trying to change them, but just think it's such a waste as they are quite young still. They were like this pre-Covid, but lockdown has just further entrenched their mindsets.

Anyone else experiencing this? Advice?

[GTFOOMW]

Their lives

[Floralnomad]

Totally agree with other posters your issue is that you have alcoholic parents , and unless they want to change nothing you say will get them to so I’d personally not waste time trying .i had an alcoholic grandmother and she wasn’t interested in her GC other than giving us money , on the odd occasion she offered to take us out we either went dog or horse racing so she could still drink and grandad could gamble . Your best bet is to not expect anything , ask if they want to come to things but tell them not to worry if they’d rather not as it will be more enjoyable without them probably .

[RaisinGhost]

Inviting them to school plays and musical nights maybe isn't the best way to get them involved. Those are really boring even for parents! I'm not a gp but as an aunt, I enjoy spending time with dn at parks, playgrounds and soft play.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You asked this question re your parents earlier:-

"is there anything I can do to help them? Or convince them?"

Its no on both counts. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You can only help your own self ultimately and you may well find contacting Al-anon to be useful.

[tara66]

The thing is they are not be used to/like many boisterous possibly badly behaved children - shouting, running about, breaking things, crying etc. and do not care to spend too much time with them! Do your children just ''take over'' any visit or meal time at their GPs? (Not saying yours are like that!) GPs may just want to be able to have a peaceful adult conversation with YOU and are not actually prematurely aged..

[StillCounting123]

Tara what are you suggesting I do with my DC? Leave them outside in the car while I have a relaxing afternoon tea with my parents?

[Chaotic45]

OP I agree wholeheartedly with the posters saying that there is a major alcohol problem behind this.

I absolutely understand why you are questioning their involvement with their GC, but there are some really worrying other things occurring.

No one would blame you for having a shot at trying to help them. However, there tends to be a pattern with alcohol addiction whereby an individual can only change when they themselves want to make that change. I'd strongly suggest you contact AlAnon. They offer wise and wonderful support for people affected by alcohol dependence in their loved ones and you won't regret looking to them for support.

[ErickBroch]

Sorry OP but yes, alcoholism is the issue here. My grandparents died in their late 60s from it - very young. I hope now you can see what it is you might be able to seek some help for them

[namechange12a]

OP I'm really sorry to hear that this is a recent development and it's hardly surprising you're confused and looking for answers. They're alcoholics. With alcoholics their primary relationship is with alcohol - that means that everything else is secondary including your children.

It's perfectly understandable to want to talk to them, to try to get them to see that what they're doing is unhealthy and that it's hurtful to you that they're indifferent. I'm sorry you're going through that, it's very tough.

Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do - nothing. Alcoholics tend to get defensive and they deny there is a problem. They hide how much they drink and they lie and lie and lie. You're on a hiding to nothing trying to get them to stop or change.

All you can do is get some support for yourself and protect your children from the worst of it. Visits take place between 2:30pm and 4:30pm for example, before they crack open the vodka.

[iMatter]

Presumably they go to bed really late if your mum isn't up until 2?

5 until they go to bed is a loooong time to drink

I don't think there's anything you can do, it sounds like they are well ensconced in their sleep/wake/drink repeat routine

[ThickFast]

tara where did you get badly behaved from? And breaking things? I haven’t seen any mention of bad behaviour in OP’s posts.

OP, sounds like they have got a lot worse in their drinking then. That must be sad for you to see. I think you need to lower your expectations of them so you don’t keep get disappointed.

[Sunnydaysandsalad]

Sadly they rate alcohol over their dgc..
Doubt you can change that.