Prematurely aged parents/grandparents

[StillCounting123]

My parents are good people - want to say that at the outset, and I don't want to slag them off. They gave me and my siblings the best start they knew how to.

But... Now that we are all adults with our own lives and DC it just seems like it's all fizzled out. No real interest, no real interaction from them to us - our hobbies or our children.

They seem to see our children as needing to follow a similar pattern to us as children and seem baffled that things in society have changed in the 30+ years since we were small. Another example is I have 2 extra children than what they had and this seems to blow their minds.

They are both in their late 50s, but seem so much older. Like their minds have atrophied - they have no hobbies and spend 90% of their waking hours watching 24hr news updates or soaps. The rest of the time they are drinking - as soon as 5pm comes they drink until bedtime. Going to Tesco is An Outing and will be their excitement for the day.

My DC are young and it's hectic here. My choice to have so many children, and I'm not complaining. But parents will ring, make a few cheeky comments about noise from DC running around in background then go.

I've given up trying to invite them to things - pre Covid when things like music concerts, school plays, etc were happening - as mum gets upset if things start before 2pm (when she wakes up) or occur in the evening (vodka time). Anything which doesn't take place within a 2 mile radius of my dad's front door is Too Far and Not Worth The Effort.

I've given up trying to change them, but just think it's such a waste as they are quite young still. They were like this pre-Covid, but lockdown has just further entrenched their mindsets.

Anyone else experiencing this? Advice?

[Sunnydaysandsalad]

Sadly they rate alcohol over their dgc..
Doubt you can change that.

[ThickFast]

tara where did you get badly behaved from? And breaking things? I haven’t seen any mention of bad behaviour in OP’s posts.

OP, sounds like they have got a lot worse in their drinking then. That must be sad for you to see. I think you need to lower your expectations of them so you don’t keep get disappointed.

[iMatter]

Presumably they go to bed really late if your mum isn't up until 2?

5 until they go to bed is a loooong time to drink

I don't think there's anything you can do, it sounds like they are well ensconced in their sleep/wake/drink repeat routine

[namechange12a]

OP I'm really sorry to hear that this is a recent development and it's hardly surprising you're confused and looking for answers. They're alcoholics. With alcoholics their primary relationship is with alcohol - that means that everything else is secondary including your children.

It's perfectly understandable to want to talk to them, to try to get them to see that what they're doing is unhealthy and that it's hurtful to you that they're indifferent. I'm sorry you're going through that, it's very tough.

Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do - nothing. Alcoholics tend to get defensive and they deny there is a problem. They hide how much they drink and they lie and lie and lie. You're on a hiding to nothing trying to get them to stop or change.

All you can do is get some support for yourself and protect your children from the worst of it. Visits take place between 2:30pm and 4:30pm for example, before they crack open the vodka.

[ErickBroch]

Sorry OP but yes, alcoholism is the issue here. My grandparents died in their late 60s from it - very young. I hope now you can see what it is you might be able to seek some help for them

[Chaotic45]

OP I agree wholeheartedly with the posters saying that there is a major alcohol problem behind this.

I absolutely understand why you are questioning their involvement with their GC, but there are some really worrying other things occurring.

No one would blame you for having a shot at trying to help them. However, there tends to be a pattern with alcohol addiction whereby an individual can only change when they themselves want to make that change. I'd strongly suggest you contact AlAnon. They offer wise and wonderful support for people affected by alcohol dependence in their loved ones and you won't regret looking to them for support.

[StillCounting123]

Tara what are you suggesting I do with my DC? Leave them outside in the car while I have a relaxing afternoon tea with my parents?

[tara66]

The thing is they are not be used to/like many boisterous possibly badly behaved children - shouting, running about, breaking things, crying etc. and do not care to spend too much time with them! Do your children just ''take over'' any visit or meal time at their GPs? (Not saying yours are like that!) GPs may just want to be able to have a peaceful adult conversation with YOU and are not actually prematurely aged..

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You asked this question re your parents earlier:-

"is there anything I can do to help them? Or convince them?"

Its no on both counts. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You can only help your own self ultimately and you may well find contacting Al-anon to be useful.

[RaisinGhost]

Inviting them to school plays and musical nights maybe isn't the best way to get them involved. Those are really boring even for parents! I'm not a gp but as an aunt, I enjoy spending time with dn at parks, playgrounds and soft play.

[Floralnomad]

Totally agree with other posters your issue is that you have alcoholic parents , and unless they want to change nothing you say will get them to so I’d personally not waste time trying .i had an alcoholic grandmother and she wasn’t interested in her GC other than giving us money , on the odd occasion she offered to take us out we either went dog or horse racing so she could still drink and grandad could gamble . Your best bet is to not expect anything , ask if they want to come to things but tell them not to worry if they’d rather not as it will be more enjoyable without them probably .

[GTFOOMW]

Their lives

[GTFOOMW]

They’re lives sound incredibly small and sad. Alcoholism does that - shrinks people’s lives until all they do is sit about drinking selfishly and miserably.

I would have a frank conversation with them and then leave it at that and see where they go from there. Getting out of bed at 2pm and doing nothing but drink or watch telly isn’t normal, healthy or a good life at any age.

[HildegardeCrowe]

Sad to say OP, your parents sound like alcoholics whose lives are ruled by drink. They’re only late 50s (I’m 63) but if they carry on drinking like this, they’re surely heading for trouble. It makes sense that if something gets in the way of drinking, they’re not interested. What was it like for you growing up? Did they drink as much then? Sorry to harp on about the booze but I think this is the crux of the issue.

[StillCounting123]

Thick no, not at all. Just a few drinks on special occasions, Christmas etc.

[ThickFast]

Were they like this when you were small? Or is it more recent? They do sound like alcoholics. And addition doesn’t leave much room for anything else

[StillCounting123]

Harriethoyle I have mentioned to my mum before about waking up at 2pm meaning that she is missing out and wasting time. I got told to "fuck off" and if she's tired she's tired. I am sad to read about your parents and the situation of their ill health.

Skyla my dad will take my older 2 (nearly pre-teens) for a walk with the dog when he sees them - maybe twice per month. I have 3 young kids under pre-school age and I'd love mum to take them to soft play or park.

Not asking for regular childcare, as I know it's just not in them to do it, and I'd rather pay someone to help. But just a bit of interest which is on the DC terms would be good. Not just when it is zero effort for my folks.

[HazelBite]

I'm in my 60's and I also agree I think the alcohol is the problem here.
At their age most people are still working full time, as the retirement age is around 67 now.
It is very easy to get into a rut if you are home all day. Your Mum must be anesthetised by something if she is in bed until that time. (Most of us oldies can't stay in bed too long as your back or joints tend to become uncomfortable or stiffen.
Its very sad that they don't want to become involved with their grandchildren, and very telling, I see quite a few people in my age group who get very insular and have to keep to their routines at all costs.
I can't offer any advice except pointing out to them how sad and unhealthy their lifestyle is and how much they are missing not being involved with their grandchildren.
I sadly lost my grandson last year and I miss those fun times that just me and him had together. Being a grandparent is sooo different from being a parent, do they have friends who could point this out to them?.
Excessive consumption of alcohol (especially as you get older) can lead to dementia prematurely. perhaps a stern word is worth a try?

[harriethoyle]

OP, I am in the end game of this - M terminally ill with liver failure and F in a care home with alcohol induced dementia. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

The one thing that has made it made bearable is having tried on several discrete occasions to intervene with both of them about their drinking and been firmly rebuffed. Now it's come to the worst I know there is nothing more I could have done to avert it and that brings some comfort. So please do speak up - if only so you don't regret your silence if this ends as my parents have.

[Mamette]

Hi OP, I just want to add that I know what it’s like when your parent isn’t interested in your children- for whatever reason- and it hurts.

[minnieok]

They have drink problem and/or mental health issues, this isn't normal they need help

[StillCounting123]

Thanks for the link. Will read it later.

[namechange12a]

Apologies OP, meant to give you a link to CoDA.

[Skyla2005]

If they were with different partners they would be different They are both enabling each other so the drinkings become the main focus of their relationship. It’s a shame but there’s not much you can do unless they want to change. Seems a waste with so much fun left to be had with their grandchildren

[titchy]

@thriftyhen

I think it's the drinking that's the problem.

This. Sorry. Your mum gets up at 2pm and is drinking within 3 hours.