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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Violent/aggressive DS15.

33 replies

chitofftheshovel · 19/08/2020 23:47

DS has, for quite some time, been violent towards me (tonight grabbed my arm hard, chucked an object at my face and - possibly the worst for me, spat in my face. Ten days ago he had his hands around my neck).
I'm sick of treading on egg shells around him and finally reported it to the police tonight.
Feel like shit - if it were a man I'd have told him to fuck off long ago. Mum's aren't meant to be scared of their sons!
Has anyone turned things around with their violent children? Or just offer me a handhold for tonight - sleep is a long way off yet!!

OP posts:
heyday · 20/08/2020 00:08

Youngminds is a very good organisation that can give help/advice on the MH of young people. From my own experience of aggressive DS I had to carefully monitor my own behaviour too and let unimportant things go. I was attacked by my DS but with counselling i learnt that i was often 'in his face' getting really angry myself and that was enraging him. I learnt to be non confrontational, not to start shouting and screaming and definitely not to get into any physical confrontation. I am not saying that you are doing any of these things but sometimes we can get so frustrated and angry that we don't always deal with issues in a calm manner. I'm bet lockdown has exacerbated his difficult behaviour too. It is the prime age for rebellion and teenage pushing the boundaries.

KILNAMATRA · 20/08/2020 00:16

Thinking of you and praying things will improve for you.💐 No one should be scared in their own home. Perhaps womens aid could advise you?

Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 00:17

heyday - thanks I'll try young minds in the morning.
When aggressive behaviour starts I avoid eye contact, don't shout etc - I'm sure there are things I do do that wind him up though.

OP posts:
midwifeync · 20/08/2020 00:21

I'm sorry OP, no advice, not my area of expertise. But here is a handhold and a bump, I know people who know more will be along soon with better support.Thanks

Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 00:22

Can I ask where his father is and could he step in to have a stern word with his son, or a family member who he respects?

It's not right and the problem is he knows he can do it and there are no boundaries in place to stop him.

Next time he may hurt you. He needs stopping now before it gets to that stage.

Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 00:24

KILNAMATRA
Thank you, worth a think about. Police suggested social services.

OP posts:
Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 00:30

Anordinarymum - father and I split up years ago. He has spoken to him before but it doesn't change anything, if anything it makes it worse DS sees me as weakened for having to go to his dad.

You're right, he knows he can do it and there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 00:39

@chitofftheshovel

Anordinarymum - father and I split up years ago. He has spoken to him before but it doesn't change anything, if anything it makes it worse DS sees me as weakened for having to go to his dad. You're right, he knows he can do it and there is nothing I can do.
So you have to stop it now before it gets any worse. Somehow you have to talk to him sensibly without voices being raised and tell him you respect him but he does not respect you and it can't continue.

I would think you need someone else there to mediate or stop him from becoming violent.

He needs to know that it is a privilege to be able to live with you and what he is doing is unnacceptable and you won't tolerate it.

Are there other children involved? I'm only asking because it is unpleasant for them to witness this sort of behaviour.

You really need to get to the bottom of his resentment and work something out, but until then he has to stop with the threatening behaviour.

I had two teenage sons and know how strong they are.

notapizzaeater · 20/08/2020 00:42

There's a really good group on Facebook called the SEND VCB project - started by a mum who has a violent child.

sydenhamhiller · 20/08/2020 00:45

OP, I am sorry, no advice, but definitely a handhold. I have 3 kids, oldest is a 16 yr old DS, and it’s so hard when there is conflict.

It is such a fine line to walk between ‘don’t escalate an argument’ and ‘I’m sure there are things I do that wind him up’.

I have always tried to tell my 3, you can be cross with me/ other people, you can hate me/ other people, and those feelings are ok. It’s what you do with those feelings that is important. I got Ds a 2nd hand punching bag, and he used to punch that (age 14 was an angry age for him!).

You are an amazing mum for worrying about your DS, knowing what he is doing is not ok, and hoping to turn it around for him.
I hope someone can signpost you towards the right support.

Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 00:47

Anordinarymum - you're correct it needs nipping in the bud.
When he is calm he is apologetic. He recognises it's wrong. We have talked endlessly about it, calmly. Things are fine for a while so long as he can do exactly as he pleases when he pleases.
Someone else here would be great, but there isn't anyone hence logging the situation with the police.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 00:57

Does he have any kind of SEN/MH diagnosis? ASD/Adhd? How long has he been difficult? Was he sweet as a child and changed in adolescence? Or always been explosive? He sounds dangerous and if you can't get this situation under control he may have to live elsewhere.

Is his father the same? Could this be genetic?

Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:02

The thing is.. the point I am trying to make is that he directs his anger at you physically and that must stop..

He can't do exactly as he pleases. There have to be some boundaries in place if he wants to enjoy living with you.

I think he would benefit from having certain tasks/chores which make him contribute at home instead of just taking.

Also when you are arguing, try not to raise your voice. I know... I have been there.

Anything you can do to make him feel like he is actually contributing and therefore deserving of respect might just make him behave less aggressively.

TheBouquets · 20/08/2020 01:03

A handhold for you.
I have also had violence and coercion from DC when the same age. If it was a husband/boyfriend we would get rid. When it is your own DC there is no easy answer.
Please dont be as stupid as me and put up with it for years. I would see GP to refer DC to Psychology Dept. Social Services were useless to the point of being unpleasant. Be clear to DC that the situation can not go on and the solution may be that DC has to stay with ExH permanently.
Good luck

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 01:05

There was a thread with a lady who had an explosive DD and she had tried absolutely everything. Eventually it became apparent DD has ASD. It's going to be hard to get her treatment as she is 18 so technically an adult.

Push and push cahms through your GP for help while you can.

Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 01:07

Vodkacranberryplease - it's been going on since he left primary. He was a pretty easy happy go lucky younger child really, certainly not aggressive.
No diagnosis of SEN. I did suspect possibly Asperger's for a while but school and CAHMS were not helpful. He is well behaved at school. Also not helpful that his dad did not back me up.
I left his dad because of his aggression so perhaps.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:15

I really think he needs to be made to feel that he is doing something worthwhile to help you.

He has witnessed aggression from his dad perhaps but that needs addressing.
His father was an abuser and he is following suit, but it's negative behaviour and somehow he needs to see that it holds no rewards. I hope I am making sense here

Fleetheart · 20/08/2020 01:24

I have had a bit of this from my Adhd son. I made a referral to Targeted Youth Services in my area. I did it through the county council. It’s hard to get help but it was useful to get some help - mentoring for him . I would also agree with calling the police when you need to. It is not easy but they have been helpful. This also flags up to social services. I don’t know about Young Minds but I have heard they are good. It’s very difficult I agree. They are bigger than us and a loving (although challenging) boy has turned into a rebellious, entitled and demanding manchild in this house. I need 3 rd party help and I suspect you do.

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 01:27

@Anordinarymum these things can be genetic - it's not always about what he saw or how he was brought up. There is thread after thread on MN where a child that has had little contact with an abuser father starts to behave in very similar ways. Sometimes brain wiring trumps other things and professional help and possibly medication is the only answer.

Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 01:28

Anordinarymum - you are making sense and I appreciate your thoughts and see where you're coming from.
He does do chores and I'm learning to go back to basics - would you like to do the dishes or vacuum.

Thanks also to all other posters responses. I am taking all points on board.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:31

I really feel for you because he is your son and you need to resolve this.
When an argument starts is it a recurring thing or can it be anything that triggers it off.
With my son it was because we both raised our voices, but there was never any violence. Shouting gets you nowhere :)

Original poster
chitofftheshovel · 20/08/2020 01:42

It's usually to do with getting off his computer.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:43

Ah yes................... the fucking computer :(

Anordinarymum · 20/08/2020 01:44

Maybe a twenty minute warning followed by a word of warning about him kicking off ?

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/08/2020 01:49

Oh god even my resolutely NT impeccably brought up nephew turns into a horrid little shit when it comes to screens. No useful advice apart from yo seek advice. Little shit and assaults you are very different things.