Following on from partner attacking me

[MarieGold]

My original thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3982438-My-partner-attacked-me-today

Tomorrow it will be three weeks since this happened. Unfortunately, all my reservations around involving the police have come to fruition. They didn’t seize his phone despite being assured they would, and the officer who interviewed seemed to feel sorry for him (detailed in the original thread). CCTV wasn’t looked into and house calls to neighbours weren’t made.

I was assigned a different officer who I met a week ago. She told me she would do the CCTV and house calls herself and would call me that evening. I said I would give a statement and we agreed we would do it the following day. However, she didn’t call me as promised and only got in touch again this morning, by text, to tell me ‘CCTV and house calls provided no evidence’. Well, I’m not surprised. It’s not very likely somebody is going to remember some neighbours shouting 2-3 weeks ago which is why I was so keen they did it ASAP.

I texted back to ask if we could speak on the phone and she said she would call me in the afternoon. She didn’t, so I contacted her department and apparently she’d left for the day.

I appreciate the police are busy but I only went ahead with this at their insistance. I didn’t want to speak to the police in the first place due to previous bad experience but they kept calling and asking me to speak to them at the station.

I feel let down. If they’d seized his phone like they said they would and made house calls within the first few days then it might be a much stronger case. Instead it’s now a my word against his scenario, with photos of bruises that of course his defence will argue were unrelated.

I don’t think I can put myself through this. I have no confidence in my local police force. I want him to face the full consequences of what he’s done but this feels like a losing battle. I feel like I’ve lost and he wins. He’ll walk away from this like it never happened, but I’ll carry it with me for a long time yet.

I've had the same poor effort from police plenty times when my exdp was stalking me and causing trouble after I ended things. Their shit effort was mind blowing actually. Same things as well, never following through with what they say, never contacting you back and suddenly disappearing on holiday when you eventually phone the station to chase them up! I had an interdict in place to keep him away from me and my house and caught him on my CCTV 5 times and let the police know. I later found out during a hearing where he was being tried for domestic breach of the peace (he pledged not guilty- hence the court case) for forcing his way into my home, screaming and threatening at me and my kids and being pulled by police officers that those 5 breaches of the interict had been dropped by the police. Despite clear cctv!!! I was in the dock giving evidence when his solicitor smugly told me. I burst out in tears and said the interdict is meant to protect me, what is the point if the police let him off to continue harassing me.
I think the judge agreed. Exdp was found guilty and his sentence was harsh

I personally would make an appointment to speak with the specific officer who encouraged you to persue the charges, tell them you want the case dropped, and explain the reason being that the officers tasked with investigating were so incompetent and ballsed up so badly there is now no point persuing as they left it too late to gather sufficient evidence. And I would also put that in writing to the station or which ever complaints department it gets sent to. And then see what they say. But that's me.

I know very well the sense of utter defeat you are feeling and you have my sympathies. All I can say is try and keep him as far away from you as possible, make sure everyone knows what he has done. Was he regularly violent?

OP I've sent you a PM

I've had similar problems with the police. I could've investigated what happened more thoroughly
than they did! Vital evidence was missed even though they assured me they'll be chasing it up, including CCTV and a domestic worker I'd spoke to a couple of months prior. Fortunately some of the charges had my ex sent down and one of the officers said to me afterwards 'try think of the good times you had together, I'm sure he's really sorry' yeah ok this was after an attempted murder and rape with him sentenced to 5 years in prison. Oh and my assigned officer went on leave the day before the trial so couldn't give evidence! She was the one who interviewed him! I felt so let down by them and admittedly I would never report any crime again, which leaves you feeling quite vulnerable and cold.

Everyone is so quick to say go to the police but a lot of the time they just make you feel like such a burden.

I've been thinking of you since your last post and wondering how you're getting on.

I'm so angry and disappointed for you. I know it took you a great deal of courage to involved the police, you must be thinking what was the point.

Sadly this sort of thing from the police is very common. I've had them behave pretty badly three times with rapes over the years.

I would take it as far as you can OP (which you probably already have.) They will probably get back to you in a few weeks saying they're dropping it. Prepare yourself for that and it won't hit you so hard. Anything else is a bonus.

Please do not withdraw what you said. Hopefully it will lie on file and then it's there to back up any other woman's case should anyone have problems with him/report him in future. It will also help with anything related to any DC etc as you can say you've reported him.

Well done for all you've done xxx

tell them you want the case dropped

@Bunnybaubles I could be wrong but I think OP said in the previous thread that she has children? Not dropping it will probably mean it might count a little more in any custody arrangements etc maybe. It will also count for more on file against him if anyone else reports him.

@Iooselipssinkships. 'try think of the good times you had together, I'm sure he's really sorry' Wtf??? Fucking appalling!

Reading the experiences on here, it's no wonder women choose not to report abuse. It enrages me.

I was a young 18 year old who was too terrified to tell anyone until I escaped form my extremely violent ex. I thought he would kill me. 32 years later, I still relive the trauma and its effects have moulded the person I now am.

I've read so much about the high levels of domestic abuse during 2020, due to lockdown/Covid. It's horrifying that there are women not being taken seriously, despite having the courage to report the perpetrators.

Thanks everyone. I’m waiting for the supervising officer to call. I get so flustered when speaking to the police and waiting for them to call (been doing a lot of that) is horrible, especially when I’m trying to concentrate on work.

I’ll be back with an update soon (hopefully) and will reply to posts properly then.

Btw I don’t have any children

Have you made some written notes? That might help.

Yes! I’ve made bullet points. I was asked to give a time they could call so I said 9am. They said they’d make it an urgent priority but I’m starting to get the impression they’re not going to call.

Something I find infuriating about talking to the police - and it’s usually the male officers that do this in my experience - is that they constantly interrupt me, talk over me and finish sentences for me, generally missing my point completely. Any perceived criticism and they become defensive. I find it impossible to get my point across. It so frustrating.

OP have you been in contact with Victim Support or a domestic abuse organisation? Sounds like you're floundering around by yourself with no support or help.

You can contact Victim Support here: 08 08 16 89 111 it's a 24hr number. They can provide advice on police procedure and what you can expect. They also have specialist caseworkers and can provide an IDVA.

You can find your local DV organisation here.

You can also contact Rights of Women or FLOWS for free legal advice.

I was referred to VS but didn’t find them much help really. The man who spoke to me made me feel uncomfortable by sharing personal information about himself, such as where he goes for his therapy and how he’s a member of codependents anonymous he was also convinced my ex was listening in to our phonecall because he could hear ‘strange noises’ and made me speak to him on a landline. I asked the police about this and they said it’s highly unlikely.

Based on the risk assessment this VS person did, he decided my case wasn’t risky enough to be referred on to the local DV service I’ve tried calling them myself a few times but haven’t been able to get through.

I'm sorry to hear about Victim Support, that sounds widely inappropriate. You can make a complaint on their website.

There may be other local services in your area. Do a search by writing something like: 'Domestic Abuse Services Chester' or wherever you live and start there. Your council will have details on their website or you can use the search facility I provided above. He may have provided the wrong number.

I used to work in admin at the police - i know if any complaints were received via the chief constables office or via the local MP action was taken immediately? If you could write out all your concerns in bullet points and email to someone like that then they have all the facts before speaking to you.

He didn't provide a number, sorry am in a rush. He classed you as not needing DV support!

Agree if you write to your MP you can cut through a lot of this and it will get to the chief constable. Clear email etc.

You can contact your local MP here.

Same. I rang 101 as my ex was physically threatening me and being emotionally abusive, the lady police officer couldn't care less. Didn't even come out for a welfare check. But I had a double whammy in the same morning, I rang the Nottingham branch of women's aid and the woman on the other end of the line said why did you have a child with him in a very nasty manner. From that day forward I decided to sort my shit out, my way.

Thank you! I will contact my MP. What would I say, apart from bullet points detailing the police’s inaction? I’ve only contacted an MP once before and that was years ago.

I called the police about an hour ago to ask why nobody had called me. In fairness the officer who answered seemed very nice. Apparently the officer I need to speak to has been out all morning and will ‘call back’. I explained my frustration at having the same conversation over and over and nothing ever actually happening.

I can’t focus properly while this is hanging over me. It’s bad enough trying to deal with the pain of the abuse and separation from somebody I loved very dearly without the added stress of constantly waiting for the police to make contact.

Oh, also - his bail condition comes to an end in four days. What does this mean? Am I right in thinking by this point they have to decide whether to charge him or not?

Update:

Just had a call from the officer (the one who I met once then didn’t hear from again) to say that due to insufficient evidence (i.e. the police not seizing his phone and leaving it 15 days before making house to house calls) they are filing the case. And this is despite telling me all they needed was my statement.

I’m in tears. I’m so, so angry. What a complete fucking waste of my time and three weeks of unnecessary stress. All for nothing. The police lied to me repeatedly. He gets away with it. I should have learnt my lesson before - I’m never involving the police in anything again.

I wrote to my MP yesterday who replied this morning to say he had contacted the police and had asked the supervisor to make contact with me ASAP. I’m not holding my breath.

Just... fucking hell.

Sadly this is the truth for so many women. The PR around "all you need to do is ask for help" and "tell someone" simply doesn't match the reality.

It seems to me that there are parallels between how the police manipulate victims and how domestic violence perpetrators manipulate victims. The term ‘gaslighting’ springs to mind.