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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex life an issue

28 replies

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 14:03

Hello, been in a relationship with DH for 12 year. I've never had a huge sex drive and it's gone up as an issue before. He feels shit about me pushing him away. I do love him and do find him attractive I just very rarely feel in the mood for it. When we do have sex it is good but it's just rare I'll feel up for it or even giving him BJs or HJs. Does anyone have this bissue?

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2020 14:08

I think it's quite normal to lose your sex drive in a LTR. I could take it or leave it in my marriage and often just couldn't be bothered (although usually enjoyed it once I did).

Once I left my marriage and realised that sex wasn't just to please men but women too...well...I enjoyed it A LOT more!

I think it's also easy for resentment to build up in a LTR where you live together/have kids, which affects your libido so have you looked at that? Does your DH do his share around the house/with kids to enable you to do things for you, which in turn help you to feel good about yourself and desire sex in the first place?

Original poster

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 14:15

Well he doesn't do much house work really I do more but then he does the handywork stuff. I don't think it's that though but who knows. I've just got no desire to please him this way at all and I feel bad. When we dtd tho it is always good. If he didn't instigate this i very rarely would.

OP posts:

namechange12a · 19/08/2020 14:23

Being constantly sexually rejected by your partner is tough OP. It has a detrimental effect on your self esteem. I think you need to have a cards on the table discussion and explain that you would be happy never to have sex again and see what he says.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 19/08/2020 14:26

I'm single so dont have this problem lol, erm I saw something else about this though, about the reasons behind it and why you feel like that (it goes a bit deeper than just cba or boredom) I think the book was called something about sex in captivity or mating in captivity. Might help.

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2020 14:26

Does he have a desire to please you? Is sex (when you do it) satisfying for you? It can just seem like another chore otherwise (been there).

Original poster

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 15:00

Yeah he does want to please me so it's always good when we do its just that it's rare I'm up for it.

OP posts:

achillesratty · 19/08/2020 15:11

You say you "rarely" want sex but how often is rarely and how often dies he want sex?

Original poster

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 15:19

He'd want it every day really or at least 3-4 times a week. I'd more likely to be once a week but we go for a week to two weeks without sometimes it varies.

OP posts:

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/08/2020 15:24

It's really interesting watching how this topic is addressed on MN.

If it's a man who has gone off sex the opinion is that they must go to the GP to start treatment and also counselling. If they don't the wife is told to leave because life is too short to stay in a sexless marriage.

If it's a woman who has gone off sex then MN decree that it's the man's fault, he should do more around the house and ultimately just accept that his wife doesn't want sex anymore.

Take your pick from these opinions op.

The reality is that your husband may not want to remain in a marriage where his needs aren't being met.

Patch23042 · 19/08/2020 15:33

He can’t be expected to stay in a relationship on that basis OP. It’s a friendship not a marriage, you can’t make that decision unilaterally.

You should address this properly, in fairness to both of you. So you have four choices to be considered together - you agree to carry on as you are, or you have counselling to improve things, or you open up the relationship, or you go your separate ways as amicably as possible.

BK187 · 19/08/2020 15:46

I personally don’t think once a week or fortnight is such a major deal. Do people really have sex 3/4 times a week when they have been together years? Christ I couldn’t be arsed with that.

Original poster

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 15:48

I'd never wish for him to stay in a sexless marriage. Our marriage isn't sexless though it's just not as much as he'd like it to be which I understand. I'm not meeting his needs on a sexual level but I do on other levels.

OP posts:

Dollyrocket · 19/08/2020 15:49

3-4 times a week in a LTR would seem a lot for most people over 30/35y imho. Not everyone obviously.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 19/08/2020 15:58

I would say 2 to 3 times a week is fine, especially in a LTR (know that's not always the case). I'd happily DTD daily, if I'm happy in other aspects of the relationship.
OP it may just be that your sex drives arent matched. It's not like you're going months without it so it's not a sexless marriage. But the fact that you dont want to do it (even though you enjoy it when you do) is concerning me a little.
Would you say you used to be up for it as often as he was (pardon the pun), if so when did it start to change, can you remember anything else emotional or physical happening around the same time?
Alternatively have you always not really been bothered by it and now are just less inclined to try and get in the mood for his sake?

Skyla2005 · 19/08/2020 16:06

If your marriage is important to you then you need to make more effort. I’m gonna get hated for this but how many posts on here in same boat as you then wonder why his been unfaithful. Just because you have gone off if he hasn’t it’s important to him to feel wanted and lived by his wife. You say it’s good when you do do it so I think make more effort for him to do it and your marriage will be loads stronger for it

Original poster

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 16:07

We seperated for a while due to him saying he didn't love me anymore but he was having a hard time with depression etc. We saw other people then decided to give it another go. 4 years have passed since then.

OP posts:

namechange12a · 19/08/2020 16:21

OP I'm really confused.

I thought by 'rarely' want it, you meant once a year or once every 10 months or something. Yet you're saying that you are having regular sex once a week.

He can bugger off in that case. You are having sex with him on a regular basis, you are making the effort. If he's pestering you for more knowing that you have a lower libido, that's not on.

Yankathebear · 19/08/2020 16:27

@Toughtips

There’s your problem! Do you feel that he loves you now? No niggling doubts? Do either of you question relationships with others in that time?

Livandme · 19/08/2020 16:34

You don't have a sexless relationship. You just have different wants. A friend of mine agreed to sex once a week on a Sunday, any extra was to be seen as a bonus for him
Could that option work?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/08/2020 16:45

Isn't the point that you have different wants though? Regardless of how much other people think is ok the two of you want different things. Either you both agree to compromise or you will both end up resenting the other because neither of you will be happy.

Original poster

Toughtips · 19/08/2020 16:53

Yeah I'll speak to him tonight. We both love each other. We have always had mis matched sex drives though. Maybe we find a happy medium. I don't for a second think we need to part ways and neither does he. If he did id respect it.

OP posts:

Arrivederla · 19/08/2020 16:56

@namechange12a

OP I'm really confused.

I thought by 'rarely' want it, you meant once a year or once every 10 months or something. Yet you're saying that you are having regular sex once a week.

He can bugger off in that case. You are having sex with him on a regular basis, you are making the effort. If he's pestering you for more knowing that you have a lower libido, that's not on.

Exactly this. This is not a sexless marriage so everyone feeling desperately sorry for the op's dh - think again.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/08/2020 17:40

Exactly this. This is not a sexless marriage so everyone feeling desperately sorry for the op's dh - think again.

But does it matter what the numbers are? If a person is unhappy with something in a relationship then it's a problem isn't it? If he's unhappy then he's unhappy, just as op wouldn't be happy with having sex three times a week even though lots of people might think that's a totally normal amount - the point is that the person concerned isn't happy.

DBML · 19/08/2020 18:25

I couldn’t stay in my relationship if DH and I only had sex once a fortnight. I’d be utterly miserable; frustrated and I’d feel rejected.

The thing is, once a week to once a fortnight might be a hell of a lot to some people; just about fine to others and no where near enough for some.

Compromise is the key; but also the quality of the sex you do have. For instance those of us with higher sex drives can tell when the other person isn’t really into it and it hurts.

Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. Come to a compromise that you both think is fair and see how it goes for a month or so.
If you really don’t feel up for it then, he’ll have to either accept that or he’ll have to leave won’t he.

Opentooffers · 19/08/2020 18:37

Once a weeks reasonable after 12 years, add to that the split where he told you he didn't love you anymore and you're doing well under the circumstances. Mismatched libido is a common thing, from what I've heard, if the man requires more than the regular amount he's getting, then he'll just have to see to himself in-between. It's not as if it never happens .

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