Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broke up after 15 years. Why am I not upset?

27 replies

Brianna85 · 19/08/2020 13:11

Hi Everyone,

I don't know if I'm doing this right, I hope it works.

Brief overview: (l'll keep it as short as possible)
Me and my other half have been together for 15 years, We have a 9 year old son who is beautiful and wonderful. We haven't been able to conceive a second child which has been frustrating and we have been trying for many many years.

Our 15 years haven't always been happy, but the good times have outweighed the bad hence why we stayed together.

To put it plainly he is paranoid, and constantly accuses me of cheating, this year has been the worst of them all. It's every week. Thing is, I don't have any friends or any family, I don't go out to do anything other than shopping. I don't cheat and never have. His accusations just get crazier and crazier. I caught him checking my dirty underwear for proof I was sleeping around!

Today it happened again, he's sending cruel horrible text messages telling me what I've done. I tried reasoning with him as I do every time but it is fruitless. I sent him a message saying I would pack him a bag and he could collect it after work, that hotels are open now so he can book himself into one.

He sent a few nasty messages afterwards, telling me I was guilty. That he was 100% sure I've been behind his back etc, he said he'd collect his bag and go to his mums.

I'm puzzled as a few weeks ago when this flared up then, and he was leaving me as he accused me of being on whatsapp and talking to other men. (I was on whatsapp, so my son could speak with his teachers during lockdown) I was devastated a few weeks ago, I couldn't get out of bed I was so upset. Now, I'm not upset, perhaps the tears will come flooding this evening when I see him or when I'm alone but I don't feel upset, I feel strong, like I'm not taking this crap any longer, I don't deserve it.

I'm just a little confused, he has been all I have for a very long g time and I couldn't imagine life without him. I'm so tired of his cruelty and upsetting comments.

OP posts:
seensome · 19/08/2020 13:20

Keep strong, encourage him to keep his word and go to his mums, help him pack before he gets home.
His behaviour is awful, he wants out but is being cruel and nasty to try and blame you.
You will feel better and relieved once he's gone, you and your son will be fine.

Arrivederla · 19/08/2020 13:21

Maybe his last lot of unreasonable accusations have just been the last straw for you op. I hope so because his behaviour sounds absolutely intolerable!

Best of luck with moving on and having a happy and fulfilling life without him.

Rollercoaster1920 · 19/08/2020 13:23

You've reached the point of the straw breaking the camel's back.

Well handled!

LimpLettice · 19/08/2020 13:44

I expect you're tired of it and getting irritated now. Which I 100% would have been long ago. Is he projecting? Sometimes ridiculous jealousy is a sign of him being up to no good but honestly I would t live like this. Tell him to go, shut the door, and enjoy your life.

It's just too short to live like this. I had a similar relationship when I was young, and it got so wearing eventually I just snapped, said no, I'm not, but I'm gonna so you may as well go before I do. And the peace when he went was blissful, I hadn't realised how tense I always was. You'll probably find the irritation wears off, but once the relief kicks in you'll be walking on air!

Mintjulia · 19/08/2020 13:51

Relief? Recognising you don’t have to walk on egg shells or justify your every hour? Perhaps the last series of accusations were the last straw.

Any would make perfect sense. Being unfairly accused repeatedly is horrible.

BK187 · 19/08/2020 13:52

He sounds like an absolute dickhead to be honest so you will be better off without him.

Trisolaris · 19/08/2020 13:56

This sounds exhausting. It sounds like he has worn you down so much that it finally ending is actually a relief.

You may think you have been dreading this day, but in time when you realise how destructive this behaviour has been you are likely to realise this is the best day.

Original poster
Brianna85 · 19/08/2020 16:33

Thank you for all your replies. I don't have any friends or anyone I can call to discuss relationship issues with, I guess I wanted reassurance that I'm doing the right thing?

he doesn't finish work until 6pm, I've just started packing him a bag of his things. Still I feel nothing, but feeling nothing is making me feel guilty. 15 years is a long time and I've never been alone, tonight will be the first time in 15 years I'll be sleeping in bed alone. (We've had arguments and one of us has taken the sofa) but we've never been apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brianna85 · 19/08/2020 20:27

Update, he finished work at 6pm. Didn't come home. Finally turned up at 8pm and came in the house, I left his things by the door and he hasn't taken them or left. I'm upstairs staying out of the way, there is a dark and ominous feel to the house now he's home. I don't want to go down and ask him to leave as I don't feel like arguing - and if I try talking it will turn into an argument. I don't understand, if he thinks I'm cheating and 100% believes I've cheated then why doesn't he leave. Go. Leave.

He sent a text message 'surprised you didn't have everything packed'

I haven't answered.

So looks like I'm stuck upstairs for the night. Hope he gets the message and goes to his mums, I'm not accepting his apology this time.

P.s. I'll admit when I was packing his things I sniffed at his clothes and had a little cry (I'll miss his smell)

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 19/08/2020 20:33

Its good you feel strong, i think it might be a sense of relief its finally ending and deep down you know its for the best .
It may hit you in a few days but from your post it is absolutely the right thing to split up, the relationship is toxic and he sounds emotionally abusive. Tbh i wonder if he has mental health problems, but either way you are best out of it. Good luck

yakj67 · 19/08/2020 20:33

This sounds like OCD to me. Does he have any mental health problems?

rainbowstardrops · 19/08/2020 20:33

He needs to realise he's bang out of order and has driven you to this. I hope he goes - at least for a while - so that you can get your head straight.

letsdolunch321 · 19/08/2020 20:36

Sounds to me he is pushing you to argue with him, possibly so he can ask you again if you are seeing someone else.

He needs to go then you can carry on with your own life.

yakj67 · 19/08/2020 20:38

Link to info on ROCD

Porridgeoat · 19/08/2020 20:43

Text his mum and ask her to collect him

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2020 20:47

Being rid of this abusive cunt is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Please do not allow him to weasel his way back in.

Original poster
Brianna85 · 19/08/2020 20:50

@yakj67

Link to info on ROCD
Thank you Yakj67. I have never heard of ROCD before! I've just read the link and then googled more information besides, it's him! That's what he does all the time!! He will describe his thoughts to me, my encounters with other men. Even when I hand him my phone, my bank account to show him everything, to prove to him there is nothing going on and nothin ever has he says 'well you deleted anything incriminating' it's constant, and no amount of reassurance or proof from me changes his perspective. It's a fruitless venture trying to make him believe what I say is credible - it's sad, as without the constant paranoia and accusations he is more or less perfect - I do love him deeply, I just can't be around him anymore, he hurts me too often and too much.

thank you for that information!

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 19/08/2020 20:53

Sounds like he's been such a shit for so long that he's killed the love you had for him stone dead.

It is for the best that he goes. (Although I suspect he won't go easily)

Original poster
Brianna85 · 19/08/2020 20:53

Unfortunately his mum is touching 80, so she can't come to collect him.

He's still downstairs, I'm watching a film with our son in our bedroom. I just want him to leave, I thought I would feel differently when he came home, that part of me wouldn't want him to leave, that I'd talk to him and tell him yet again that his behaviour isn't acceptable and we'd okay happy families for another few days or until he has another episode. but I don't feel any different, if anything his presence in the house is just annoying me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2020 20:56

Who owns the house?

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 19/08/2020 21:00

@Brianna85

Update, he finished work at 6pm. Didn't come home. Finally turned up at 8pm and came in the house, I left his things by the door and he hasn't taken them or left. I'm upstairs staying out of the way, there is a dark and ominous feel to the house now he's home. I don't want to go down and ask him to leave as I don't feel like arguing - and if I try talking it will turn into an argument. I don't understand, if he thinks I'm cheating and 100% believes I've cheated then why doesn't he leave. Go. Leave.

He sent a text message 'surprised you didn't have everything packed'

I haven't answered.

So looks like I'm stuck upstairs for the night. Hope he gets the message and goes to his mums, I'm not accepting his apology this time.

P.s. I'll admit when I was packing his things I sniffed at his clothes and had a little cry (I'll miss his smell)

Because maybe you have seen a glimmer of light to a new and better life. Maybe just maybe you see this as a new start. Without abuse -without him. Maybe you need to start going out and doing hobbies and making friends. Someone sniffing my underwear to see if I was having an affair -actually bile rises up my throat at the thought. He is 100% abusive and dangerous.
Original poster
Brianna85 · 19/08/2020 21:00

The house is rented - we have been saving to buy a house and have a fairly large deposit, split between our two bank accounts, so finances is pretty easy to work out.

OP posts:
Potterpotterpotter · 19/08/2020 21:01

Go downstairs and ask him why he’s still there and to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2020 21:02

Since you have the money, and especially if he won't leave, then you leave. Find your own flat and get out of there.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/08/2020 21:06

He has no intention of leaving. He just wants you to constantly be trying to appease him and 'make it up to him' for things that you haven't done. Beware him 'deciding to forgive you - this time' and going on to make your life more miserable.

As to why you don't feel bad? Because he has killed all the love you ever felt for him with his irrationality and allegations.