I think this it the end.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Been with DP 5 years, lived together 3 of them. When we met I was a single mum and he was a bachelor. We now have a 1yr old together as well as my eldest.

Last Friday DP went out "to watch the football with his dad" and didn't come home. He often goes out and comes back at ridiculous times eg 2/3am but has never just not come home. I think he is a problem drinker, he says he's just sociable and I don't get it as I'm not. (I am sociable just on a different level, and my socialising doesn't involve getting totally pissed).

When he came back he said sorry I fell asleep at my mates, whatever I do is wrong, I'm only going out once a week (untrue), it's not like I'm out every night, etc blah blah blah. Basically turned it around on me as though I'm an evil witch that never lets him have fun. He summed up at the end with "I don't want to keep getting things wrong, if you don't think I can maybe we need to have a think about what we both want."

Saturday night he nodded off after getting toddler DS2 to sleep. Sunday night we talked. He said he feels like he doesn't know who he is anymore and he's lost his confidence as we've lost our intimacy.

2020 I think we've had sex twice and even things like hugs have eroded over lockdown. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. He's struggled in lockdown not seeing anyone or socialising and I've struggled having a house full of people needing me 24/7. Needy toddler. Eldest has special needs and has had no special school, no time out with a carer no time even at his dad's house since Mid March. I'm completely overhwelmed and overstretched, basically I've shut/broke down. Im now on day 10 of sertraline after approaching my GP about my low mood and anxiety both being at worrying levels.

Monday day I was googling introvert/extrovert relationships, how to regain intimacy in a relationship, etc. Trying to think how we can understand each other better and try and get a plan together of how to get back on track.

Monday night we talked again. I asked him if he had any ideas or thoughts on what we should do, and he said he thinks maybe he needs some time away from home to try and get his old self back. I asked what he missed and what he wanted more/less of and basically he's sad he doesn't watch football as much, rarely watches films, and doesn't go out as much as he'd like. And the sex.

So his solution that he's leaning to is more, go to his mates and have a nice old time I'm presuming.

He also said what if I get the old me back but you still have no sex drive, then I still won't feel happy.

It's all me, me me.

I've always known we were very different, he's right on that one, but I thought we could make it work. I'd hoped we could regain our intimacy and having looked into it it's a sensible plan of how to do so.

But now I'm questioning if I want to. I feel like ont he Saturday morning he wanted me to give him an out. Which he says he doesn't. But he wants to solve HIS unhappiness and then think if he wants to save us I think. Whereas my initial thoughts were how do we get back to both being happy together, his outlook seems somewhat different.

There's things I've been unhappy with too but I feel he just wants to do what he wants and have me be a "cool" girlfriend who let's him go out anytime, etc and not question anything or demand anything.

I'm heartbroken that I may have to split time with my toddler. I never wanted that. I never thought I'd have a second child and only did so as I thought we were solid enough to work through anything that came our way.

I know I can cope as a single mum but it's not what I wanted for DS2. Also we private rent, he's the main tenant, and it's a bigger more expensive house than I had previously.

I feel completely overhwelmed and heartbroken.

Tell him fine off you go then.
Then find a better life for you and your kids.
How dare he treat you like this. Find your anger with this and your self worth.
You'll be ok. You can do it.

Sounds hugely suspicious OP I'd get in ahead of him and tell him to leave. Even if it turns out he's not having an affair and he just misses single life (don't we all sometimes!) he's obviously checked out.

Like a pp said are you sure he'd even want your DS half the week? He may start off saying he does but I doubt it would last.

Either way forget about him and his "needs" and try and figure out how to put you and your DC first.

Sorry you're in this situation

My husband said all that last year. He didn’t know who he was anymore, no intimacy, going limp when we had sex (never happened before). He was having an online affair. He was going on Kik and messaging other women. I’ve no idea what else he was doing or who with though. Never got to the bottom of it

Why is he dictating the terms?
Who does he think is taking care of his child while he's off whenever he feels like it.
Make your own decision and ditch him. You will do so much better with a clearer head and knowing you won't put up with this.
How he proceeds as a responsible parent, who knows but he's not acting like one now. Deal with this is steps and try not to think too far ahead.

Thank you all so much for replying. I feel so alone and reading everyone's comments is helping me process what I'm thinking and feeling.

We mutually agreed not to discuss things last night. But tonight will likely talk again.

I'm going to say that I have thought about his suggestion of a few weeks at his friend and think it's a good idea as I also have some serious thinking to do. Won't be for about 9 days though so awkward in the meantime but I can't go anywhere and realistically he can't really either.

Once he's gone I honestly can't see us being together again. Even if he hasn't cheated or attempted to, he's not showing me any respect and I don't this to be my life forever. Cast as the meanie who won't let him go out on the piss with his mates all the time. I also won't be changing who I am and going along with letting him do whatever he wants so it's not going to work for either of us is it.

I'm aware from lots of other posts I've read over the years how cliche and almost scripted he is being.

During the day he's acting all happy and as if we're not in turmoil. I think he's been thinking and prepared for what he did/said whereas I'm still reeling and trying to figure it all out. I'm finding it hard to be happy happy while he's here, it feels fake and weird.

Oh also, I've checked what the housing benefit rate would be for me and its much less than our rent as I suspected. So I'd need to think if I'd want to uproot the kids if we split or stay here without him and have to be topping up the amount so the rent was paid. It's a big house on the other side of town from my mum and sister. So probably would move. If moved across town I'd lose the little work I currently have signed up for September and have to try and find new clients when they're thin on the ground at the moment. It's all a lot to think about but I'll have time to weigh it all up I guess.

I might not even be allowed to stay here even if I wanted to as a lot of landlords say no DSS/housing benefit.

He sounds very immature. Football and films?? My teen son is beyond that. Make sure he schedules child care into his me plans

Ll aren't allowed to say no dss anymore...

My first thought was that he'd been with another woman the night he didn't come home but who knows?
At the very least, he's thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I'd force his hand and suggest he goes and 'finds himself' now but remind him he'll need to factor in looking after his child every other weekend.

Well, I was right. We've broken up. He's moving out on 28th so one weeks time. We're going to try and keep things as normal as possible for the next week. Ironically this includes him being out Saturday and Sunday night. Which helps me realise its the right call.

I'm dreading telling eldest. He's going to be so upset. Doesn't handle change well with his SEN and his stepdad is more of a dad to him than his real dad is.

I’m very sorry OP.

But it sounds like he put all the blame for things not being right on you. And his solution was to sort himself out. So that doesn’t bode well for the future.

I’m really sorry but you might find it works out for the best.

All strength to you.

Yes that's how I feel. Like he's justifying it to himself to make him feel less guilty. He also seems to see no correlation between my anxiety, low mood, and reduced sex drive and inclination for intimacy alongside our unequal finances, him wanting to be out at the pub constantly, coming home late steaming at varying times, etc.

We are very different and I think over time it's become more and more apparent, and it's just not going to work. Neither of us are happy or are magically going to be different people.

The thing is it's not that I mind him going out, it's the frequency and that it's always spent in a pub, the duration, the money being wasted every month that could go on family things, the automatic assumption I'll be at home being on call parent, and the long term realisation that he prefers his friends and social life to me and the kids.

I've been a single mum before and I know I'll manage. I'm just sad and despondent to be having another child who won't see his daddy everyday.

I often joked if anything happened to soon to be ex that I'd not be replacing him and I won't. I'll just be enjoying putting myself (and the kids) first, nice calm clean home, sensible finances, etc. I'm sad but I'll live.

Oh and no confessions of anyone else being involved so far. But I'm still aware there could be that possibility.

Take back control and fuck him off, right now. Don’t do the pick me dance. I hope he enjoys his ‘football’

@YourHandInMyHand was the 28th the day he was going to go for his two weeks anyway? If so, very strange he's still using that day. I wonder where he's actually going.

I think you're incredibly brave and strong for your children and they're lucky to no longer have to put up with this behaviour from their dad.

You have a good attitude to getting on with your life. I'd almost want to spoil his fun by saying you want a strict 50/50 childcare split so that he doesn't get to walk away to a single life without responsibilities. But I know you want your toddler with you. Perhaps you can agree particular days each week and you get work those days. The trouble is, he's too selfish to do that or be reliable.
Yes, his planned leaving date is suspicious. He's either got a flat from that date or is planning to go on holiday. Steel yourself for another woman appearing. But it wouldn't matter the reason - he wasn't making you happy and he wouldn't have changed.
Good luck OP, you sound lovely.

Get proper advice for the financials. Are you claiming everything you can for your oldest? (DLA etc).
There has been a recent court case establishing that saying no DSS is illegal - so Shelter might be able to help if necessary. Also do look after yourself, my Social Services were always recommending respite to me, it might help. Do get a support network if only a WhatsApp group of other SN parents.

The date is to do with his work. The 28th we already knew would be his last day working from home. Until then he HAS to work from our home and its not a home office set up he can't just pop in a bag and set up elsewhere.

So we just have to get through this week.

He was returning to work at his actual office due to me being due to return to work that week (I work from home and we can't both work from home due to logistics).

His plan is to stay with a friend for a month while finding a house or flat of his own to rent.

He usually gets paid at the end of the month though and puts half the household outgoings money into his joint account then. And he won't be as he won't be here. He's just going to put in a sum of maintenance for ds2 (calculated using the cms calculator).

The month he's at his friend's we've discussed him popping round 2 work nights a week (and I'll go out for some time to myself and leave him to it) and a sat or Sun day for a bit too.

He's already saying he won't take the kids for half the week as he knows I don't want that (it would kill me), but he will want overnights probably 1 or 2 a week when in his own house. I won't lie I'm going to really struggle not being with ds2 at the age he's at overnight. It will be so hard for me and for him. But then I think despite his dad being a knob he will also be missing his daddy too. Everything he's offered though eg if you want to go out / if you need help is prefixed with "if I don't have plans". Eg "If you want to go see you friends and I don't have plans I want you to know I'll be happy to". It will be interesting to see how he suggests we schedule weekend overnights once he's in his new place. Will he want a set thing of every Fri or Sat night. I suspect he won't as he will want freedom to go out whenever he chooses. Time will tell.

At least living apart will remove the anxiety I have around how much money he's wasting, what time he will roll in, how drunk he will be, will the kids be up and see etc. Me and the kids deserve better than that.

Oh and the day after we'd decided to split, in the afternoon he came up with, are you sure, you've not changed your mind? I responded no as neither of us will change as people and we're not working and he agreed. That evening he said when he'd suggested staying at his friends for a few weeks he thought we might both miss each other and realise how important we are to each other.

It felt very manipulative. I won't be changing my mind and it won't be a temporary holiday from family life and then he comes back. He's made it clear how terribly unhappy he is! Maybe he thought I'd reflect and decide to let him do as he pleases socially, and to also magic up a new sex drive etc. Who knows!

I think he's doing you a little on the CMS only and nothing towards the household this month. He's about to live on a digs only or mates rates basis while you wait 5 weeks for any UC top up but whether keeping the peace works better in the long run, only you will know.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing. You already 'sound' different and kind of relieved in your updates. You've done it before, you can do it again.
You've got this.

So we are plodding through this week. Trying to stay amicable and calm (still not told ds1 yet).

He's said a few times that he'd hoped when he suggested staying with his mate for a while that he thought if he did that we might realise how much we'd miss each other, how much we meant to each other etc.

I think the reality is setting in that he will need to house hunt and source most furniture and household stuff (most of the things here are mine as his old house was furnished). Also that he will be paying all rent and bills etc on his own whereas here we both pay half of the bills each despite him earning much more than me. So at the moment his finances are quite nice for him and will definitely be tighter when we live apart.

I've responded each time with the answer that even if we do miss each other we both seem to want different things and are very different people.

He also mentioned this morning that he doesn't want to "announce" our split. I've said we can simply change our relationship status on fb and leave it at that. Our parents and siblings already know. I'm thinking he doesn't want people judging him.

I'm trying so hard not to be angry at the moment as I don't want an atmosphere for the kids while he's still working from home this week.

God, reading this it could be me. Such a similar situation. Good luck to you and your lovely little ones x

I missed your most recent updates, I'm so sorry that things have got to this stage. To me the whole 'not announcing a split' thing sounds like he was (and possibly still is?) angling for a holiday of fun time, drinking and socialising with friends and then coming back a few weeks down the line having not told anyone what was going on.

You definitely deserve better and sometimes doing it alone is easier than doing most of it with someone you can't rely on anyway.

I'm just sorry because I know how hard this bit - the logistics and planning and uncertainty - is.

Greyclouds I'm sorry you ate going through similar. I hope things work out for you one way or another.

Browncoatwaffles I agree. I think he fancied a few weeks having a jolly old time, and had pictured me struggling and pining without him here . In reality him suggesting this has just affirmed to me that he wants all the benefits of living with me and the kids whilst living like a young single guy. It was him that pointed out how different we are and has been very clear how miserable he is so I won't be considering us getting back together. In my eyes now we have split up and I've accepted it.