I've got the dreaded ick, is there any coming back from this?

[TheIck]

We have young children. I don't want to uproot our lives I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate anymore. The ick has set in. Is there anybody who has managed to work around this or is it curtains for the marriage?

It's the end I'm afraid, in my experience anyway. My appetite for sex will wax and wane, but once the ick sets in it's here to stay. Sorry OP.

I too fear I’ve got the dreaded ‘ick’. I never instigate sex anymore, I just don’t want to have sex with him anymore I suppose.

Are you sure it's the ick rather than the tiredness of having two young children and no time/energy? As pp said, sex life can wax and wane (I get it - I'm there, breastfeeding kills my libido) but I'm not convinced it's always the ick.
If it is definitely the ick, there's probably no coming back from it.

What’s the ick?

From Cosmopolitan

'The ick' is a dating term that means you get a sudden cringe feeling when you have romantic contact with someone: and become almost immediately put off by them," says dating expert Hayley Quinn. You might feel suddenly repulsed, put off or cringed out by the person you're dating - that's "the ick" talking.

How young are the children, exactly? I'd have sworn I had the ick for a month or two after my first was born, traumatic birth and emcs. As the memory of the birth receded a bit, I was shocked to discover I still was very into my husband!

Ok thanks!

The “ick” might be one thing in a fairly casual relationship, or one without children, but being totally honest here it seems a rather immature way of describing wanting to end a committed relationship with children.

Thst isn’t a value judgement. I just think it might be helpful to articulate what you actually mean rather than resorting to cliches. Cosmopolitan is hardly a reliable source on relationships, is it? And it’s clientele don’t tend to have children.

@ahorsecalledseptember I’ve seen some patronising and unhelpful comments on here but your takes first prize.

I think it’s worth paying attention when just dating but once you’re committed with kids , it’s just something you get through .I think you can do things to get through it, make changes happen .Connecting , going on dates, listening to each other... I’ve felt it , over the years but it’s not permanent. It’s funny to talk about when casual dating though .

To be fair to @Ahorsecalledseptember the Ick is getting about rather a lot on MN.

It’s practically the new Gaslighting.

It isn’t intended to be patronising, but if that’s how it comes across then so be it.

I think it would be far more helpful to identify what the problem actually is and work from there rather than sound like a ten year old.

Ahorse speaks wisely! I don’t think many marriages have the same intensity of attraction for decades- a lucky few maybe, but I think it’s a bit of an unrealistic thing to expect.

@Ahorsecalledseptember I think your post was very valid as a comment on the cosmopolitan quote.

If “ick” means something different on MN that’s another matter

Totally agree with @metalkprettyoneday

I think @Ahorsecalledseptember has a point too.

The 'ick' is the big new word on MN, but really is often due to an underlying issue, whether that's unfair division of labour, or spending all your time together on work and kids until you feel like roommates or even siblings, or hormonal or medical issues from breastfeeding to antidepressants that can really knock libidos.

When you have young kids, it's not reasonable to shrug and assume it will never come back, you have to try hard to have open conversations and work on issues first.

I agree with @Ahorsecalledseptember . You are trying to police the thread @JammyHands . Really sensible points@metalkprettyoneday.
Imagine a man complaining he had the 'ick' ( a really unkind term) after his wife had given birth. Once you have children, it is really important to put effort into building a stable family unit. Relationships do wax and wane and young babies can put stress on any relationship.

I genuinely want to be helpful here and not patronising, so I googled Hayley Quinn - Here

She’s a ‘dating expert’ and I don’t imagine it’s free to use. It might be fair to say she has a dog in this race.

Imagine you are twenty-five, you’ve been with someone for a few months, you suddenly start to feel repulsed by them. You might decide you have the “ick”, split up, move onto the next person. That’s fine, no one is really being hurt. But let’s not pretend that’s the same, or in any way comparable, to ruining a home with two little children in it.

I don’t feel like sex at the moment and I hate it when I do. That’s because I’m pregnant, feel fat and unattractive, heavy and lumbering. I get far too hot during sex and the position we have to be in hurts my legs. We’ve done it twice, and I’m five months. Poor OH! But as a decent, caring man he has never once complained, or about the fact I’m in a different room (he snores and it takes me ages to get comfy.)

What I am saying there is I don’t want to have sex. That’s one thing. If I ended the relationship, just on that basis, with a lovely, kind, decent man because of sexual feelings that come and go through a lifetime, then I think that would be silly.

Obviously if sexual attraction has gone because of abuse or equivalent then that is different but on its own can be down to a myriad of factors and I really don’t think anyone should knee jerk to ending a relationship because of advice from someone who is probably not used to advising married women with young children but a younger and naturally more transient group altogether.

As mentioned identify the things that put you off.

Does he stink? Ask him to shower.
Does he belittle you? Leave him.
Is he ignoring you? Discuss it with him.
Is it hormonal? See a doctor.

Not patronising at all, wise advice by Ahorsecalledseptember.

My DH is getting more and more like his father, and that definitely gives the ick factor.

The ick is common when you have small children but the ick isn't always permanent!

[quote JammyHands]@ahorsecalledseptember I’ve seen some patronising and unhelpful comments on here but your takes first prize.[/quote]
I agreed with it personally

Oh god I remember the ick (from when I was 17).
Yes.. the relationship has had it. There is zero return from this.
Has someone else caught your eye....? That was the only time when I noticed the ick creeping in..

Thanks for the replies.

With hindsight I do think me using the word ick was a little blasé to say we're married and have young children, but it's very much how it feels.

He's not an unattractive man and he's a pretty good father. I just really don't want to sleep with him anymore.

We had a rare evening out yesterday with friends and whenever he paid me compliments (which he did many times) it just made me cringe, this is because I knew he was going to want to have sex when we got home.

He was unfaithful years ago and if I dig deep I think this is suppressed grief/hurt coming to the surface now which I didn't deal with at the time as my way of dealing with it was to 'keep calm and carry on' for the sake of maintaining the family unit.

Things would be difficult if I were to leave him now not least because our finances are meshed together and the thought of being a lone parent fills me with dread.

Nobody else has caught my eye no.