I've got the dreaded ick, is there any coming back from this?

[TheIck]

We have young children. I don't want to uproot our lives I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate anymore. The ick has set in. Is there anybody who has managed to work around this or is it curtains for the marriage?

@TheIck

Thanks for the replies.

With hindsight I do think me using the word ick was a little blasé to say we're married and have young children, but it's very much how it feels.

He's not an unattractive man and he's a pretty good father. I just really don't want to sleep with him anymore.

We had a rare evening out yesterday with friends and whenever he paid me compliments (which he did many times) it just made me cringe, this is because I knew he was going to want to have sex when we got home.

He was unfaithful years ago and if I dig deep I think this is suppressed grief/hurt coming to the surface now which I didn't deal with at the time as my way of dealing with it was to 'keep calm and carry on' for the sake of maintaining the family unit.

Things would be difficult if I were to leave him now not least because our finances are meshed together and the thought of being a lone parent fills me with dread.

I think you need to be honest with him about the feeling resurfacing, how he responds will tell you a lot. If you and he want too try and make it work, is couples counseling an option?

Sexual attraction doesn't stay constant throughout a long term relationship. It dips depending on circumstance.
After my DD I couldn't bare it if my dh tried to touch me romantically. It made me cringe, and feel uncomfortable. That lasted for around a year. I went to my gp to discuss it as I knew I was still very much in love with my dh, and still attracted to him. It turns out it was all hormonal, so I stopped my pill and after a few months things started to get better.
When you have little children, it can be so common to not want sex. You just have to find the reason why.
Have you genuinely fallen out of love and lost attraction for your partner?
Do you resent him in anyway? Are you doing more for the children, sleeping less, more housework etc.
Have your hormones rebalanced after your last pregnancy?
There are so many options to consider. Talk to him, and try and figure out what's going on.

Whenever I've lost feelings towards my exes, I lost the desire to have sex with them.

With my children's father it was also because he was very unhelpful when I my children were young and left me to do everything.

If your husband pulls his weight and is a good father then you may just be touched out and being on duty 24/7 with kids you just want your body and mind to be yours for a bit.

But also maybe you never felt the same way about him because he was unfaithful.

I wouldn’t have stayed after he was unfaithful, meshed finances or not.
You need to think about how you want to spend the rest of your life and what you’re prepared to put up with.
And also think about what he is going to be prepared to put up with.

That’s very difficult about his unfaithfulness. It could well be feelings about that resurfacing. I understand that it isn’t as easy as leaving, but on the other hand I don’t think you would be in any way unreasonable to have an honest conversation with him.

I do sympathise about the compliments, though. I have sometimes found myself dreading it when we are watching TV and a sexy scene comes on as I know it will put OH in the mood.

but being totally honest here it seems a rather immature way of describing wanting to end a committed relationship with children.

It's a shortcut for saying she isn't attracted to her husband/partner. That's a serious issue.

@TheIck someone being unfaithful can be very hard to get past, no matter how long ago it was. That causing or adding to your lack of attraction to him is understandable.

Yeah it's another bullshit buzzword thrown around by the MN alwaysons. If you are committed and in love, have a good relationship then I don't think one day some magical ick happens. I guess the relationship is pretty crap by that point people are looking for excuses

@SoulofanAggron

but being totally honest here it seems a rather immature way of describing wanting to end a committed relationship with children.

It's a shortcut for saying she isn't attracted to her husband/partner. That's a serious issue.

@TheIck someone being unfaithful can be very hard to get past, no matter how long ago it was. That causing or adding to your lack of attraction to him is understandable.

Yes, I know what it is.

I don’t personally believe it is a helpful phrase, though (no criticism of the OP.) Because as we have seen, it just prompts responses which authoritatively state there is no way back, it’s the end, the relationship is over.

When dating casually, there’s probably some truth in that, but not in the context of a marriage, especially one with young children. Partly because there is more to consider than sex but also because young children and long relationships do sometimes inevitably throw up these issues.

I think it’s possible the unfaithfulness is at the root of this and that is perfectly understandable. I feel sometimes on here we respond to complex issues in relationships with simple and sometimes cliched answers. No interest in sex is either “the ick” or someone who is asexual - which is crazy, as sexual desire comes and goes, peaks and ebbs according to hormones, confidence, even the weather.

I think it’s worth paying attention when just dating but once you’re committed with kids , it’s just something you get through

The Ick is not something you can "get through" Once you're Icked that's it...