Update - Have now split with hubby

[CL240]

Not sure if anyone read the original thread & was actually about mental IL's:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3570081-Grandparents-have-dumped-my-son-in-favour-of-new-grandchild?pg=1&messages=25

But 9 months on, I have now split with my husband. We separated 5 mths ago, he's now left the house & I'm in the process of buying him out.

The in-law stuff was the straw that broke the camel's back tbh. He didn't really stick up for me or our son & was behaving awfully towards me. Continual PA behaviour & I just no longer had the energy to carry on.

I always made excuses for him e.g. MH but actually he was highly manipulative & I see him for what he really is. At present, I am doing the lions share of childcare whilst working FT, he is renting a room with friends & preaching to anyone who'll listen what an evil witch I am.

But honestly, I've never been happier! Should have done it a long time ago.

@oakleaffy Many dads when a relationship founders do stop being ''Dads''..They have new partners, new children, and not enough time is spent with Dad.

Then THAT, is the problem of the dad, then, isn't it? Why should the mother stay in a loveless and sometimes emotional and physically abusive relationship because her husband is a deadbeat dad without her? Seriously? If the dad can't still be a dad 50% of the time (I notice you say nothing about the mother being busy and maybe having a new partner etc etc) then he is a deadbeat in the marriage or out of the marriage, so what difference does it make? As a PP said above strong women are what boys need. They definitely do NOT need abusive dads who belt 7 shades of shit out of their mum, call her names, threaten her, make her on eggshells that lets face it, EVERY child senses. The boy, in order the see the cycle stopped needs a strong mother and the deadbeat 'father' not in his life at all. Your morals and priorities seem completely backward to me and your sort of thinking messes up boys and men for life. And girls who grow up getting a partner like their father because that is the relationship that was modelled to them, that's all they think they deserve, and thus the cycle continues. Children of abusive homes go on to seek similar relationships as adults and then repeat the cycle. The sooner children are removed from these dangerous, toxic and traumatising 'nuclear family's, the better and the sooner they can thrive.

@CL240

Ironically it was my son that gave me the push. I couldn't in good faith create an environment where the dad could treat the mum like that. I don't want him behaving that way towards his future partner. He needs to respect them and do his bit.

Very well done, CL240. Your son will be the beneficiary of a strong mother and a safe and stable homelife, which augers well for him growing into a well-adjusted man.

Ha - you should hear Sir Patrick Stewart on the subject. I bet he wished his mother had been able to leave his father www.theguardian.com/society/2009/nov/27/patrick-stewart-domestic-violence#:~:text=M&text=As%20a%20child%20I%20witnessed,would%20have%20held%20him%20down.

You've done the right thing and OF COURSE it wasn't a case of "MN Made Me Do It" - I have read your whole other thread and there wasn't really any suggestion that you should leave your DH, either from you or the other posters, although of course they did point out his inability to stand up to his parents.

I do despair of posters who follow the handmaiden pattern of appeasement of the male for the sake of the marriage, and also those who assume that posters are so soft in the head that they will do what they're told by people on the internet. So unlikely! People will only leave when they themselves can see that is the right thing to do - and people on the internet provide plenty of understanding, advice, insight and experience that they can use to come to that decision.

@CL240 - I'm pleased for you that you're so much happier now, and your DS will feel the benefit of it. As you said, he's not without a decent male role model - he has his uncle - but of course his Dad is still in his life.

Did you ever get to move nearer to your own mum?

The 'children need a male parent' trope is one I've heard so many times - not from anyone in an abusive relationship, though. I even heard it from the psychologist who was assessing my alcoholic DH after a binge and some alarming suicidal thoughts while we were just starting out on the road to divorce: Better a shit dad than no dad at all. Not true. Later that year, he threatened to kill me, I had him removed by the police and my new life with my DDs started. 8 months later, he was dead. Sometimes I miss the man I married, but that man no longer existed. I do not for a moment miss the man he became, and nor do my DDs. Some men forfeit their right to be a dad.

The women who post on these boards don't do so on a whim; they are usually at the end of a long road of misery and in need of help. Sanctimonious apologists for men who won't be decent partners need to think a bit harder about what other people go through.

^ Ehat @Pointythjngs said!

What she said!

I read your old thread today and couldn’t help wondering how on earth the seemingly germ-phobic in-laws have all coped with COVID-19 swirling around the precious new baby…

Lol. They were only germ phobic when it came to my son. Was an ingenious tactic from the SIL to ensure MIL was all hers. MiL was more than happy to oblige.

The MIL was happy to work in a charity shop yet wouldnt see my son. Was all bullsh1t.

In answer to earlier poster, my life is here so I'm staying put and not moving nearer my Mum..my parents have been fab though and we are a lot closer as a result.

So glad my little boy will barely see that lot now. They are highly toxic and he would undoubtedly notice the favourtism shown to the other one. So him seeing them 3 or 4 times a year is fine by me.

Excellent post by @pointythings! And so true. Same goes for grandparents - better none than shitty ones!

Interesting that it turned out that your SIL was driving the madness over your boy and the "germs" - she sounds like she was being very two-faced then!

read both Threads OP, I'm very happy for you

@pointythings - sorry to hear all you and your LO have been through . I’m glad you both got out in time.

I have a friend whose dad was like your ex. Her mum didn’t want to leave for all the usual reasons - wanted to make the marriage work, didn’t want her child to come from a broken family, etc etc . Then her dad murdered her mum.

Now my friend runs the Freedom Programme in our area. She couldn’t help her mum but she helps other women and children escape.