Update - Have now split with hubby

[CL240]

Not sure if anyone read the original thread & was actually about mental IL's:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3570081-Grandparents-have-dumped-my-son-in-favour-of-new-grandchild?pg=1&messages=25

But 9 months on, I have now split with my husband. We separated 5 mths ago, he's now left the house & I'm in the process of buying him out.

The in-law stuff was the straw that broke the camel's back tbh. He didn't really stick up for me or our son & was behaving awfully towards me. Continual PA behaviour & I just no longer had the energy to carry on.

I always made excuses for him e.g. MH but actually he was highly manipulative & I see him for what he really is. At present, I am doing the lions share of childcare whilst working FT, he is renting a room with friends & preaching to anyone who'll listen what an evil witch I am.

But honestly, I've never been happier! Should have done it a long time ago.

My son said recently {he is now adult}
''Boys generally NEED a man in their life, they are programmed to seek another male's influence''...

You split from his father? And did his father facilitate 50/50 contact? or did you bring up your son to believe that bollocks?

Boys (and indeed girls) need stable influences in their lives. Not idiot DHs who let their mother ride roughshod over their wives.

God i read some absolutely gobsmackingly pathetic claptrap on here sometimes.

I cant allow my son to think that was a healthy relationship..we argued loads in the end and he made my question my sanity..

Spot on. My 80-odd year old DDad is of the opinion that his mother set him a brilliant example of how marriages should and shouldn't work by divorcing her faithless bastard of a husband way back in the 1940s! In fact he reckons it's partly due to that example, and also growing up surrounded by strong women who got shit done, that he managed a nearly 50 year happy marriage to my DMum until her death.

Honestly the house is so much happier. I'm very fortunate I'm the higher earner as I'm able to buy him out and stay here. My son has coped fairly well with the change. As I mentioned on the original thread, he has an uncle that dotes on him and is a very good Male influence who encourages him to treat his Mummy well and also makes him feel special.

My ex is still trying to control me. If he knows I'm going someone, he texts the friend I'm going with saying have a great time..I'm fully moving forward and getting on with my life. I have a good support network and it's all going to be fine..

@ItsLateHumpty

Did you even bother to read the original thread?

I’d say not Codexdivinchi because if Emeeno1 had they’d know the original thread was about the MIL and OP wasn’t looking for reasons to, or even asking about, leaving her marriage.

I’d also say how rude Emeeno1 etc for thinking the OP is so feeble-minded she’d leave a happy marriage on the say so of some randos on the t’internet

Exactly. In the original thread OP was quite complimentary about her husband and being his cheerleader. There certainly no LTB type posts because it wasn’t about him. So instead of people falling over their feet to tell “MN” that posters are destroying relationships, perhaps they should do a bit of reading first, as anyone with eyes and comprehension abilities can glean that OP decided this split herself.

OP I’m glad you’re in a better place now. And you’re even further away from the insane family your in-laws seemed to become.

Wow he’s rude and obliquely blaming you for his work life ”He then came back one day insisting that I needed to let him get another job.“

Sounds like he’s well used to looking to others to excuse failings in himself CL240 and for what it’s worth I think you’ve handled the split as well as you can in the circs. ie you’ve tried to kept it all low key so your DS is not more affected than he needs to be.

You’re already LC or NC with his family, so that’ll help with a clean split.

I hope your stbxH sorts himself out so you can mange an effective co-parenting relationship going forward, and he remembers his sons well-being is more important than him.

I hope your future is looking brighter too

@ItsLateHumpty

My son said recently {he is now adult} ''Boys generally NEED a man in their life, they are programmed to seek another male's influence''...

Umm I’m confused. Do dads go up in a puff of smoke if a couple splits up? Does he suddenly stop being a dad? Or does it only work if there is a woman around to wipe arses or something?

Many dads when a relationship founders do stop being ''Dads''..They have new partners, new children, and not enough time is spent with Dad.

My son said recently {he is now adult}
''Boys generally NEED a man in their life, they are programmed to seek another male's influence''...

More fractured families are just so sad.

I think all children would benefit from a good father-figure in their lives (as well as a good mother-figure)

No child, boy or girl, needs the psychologically damaging emotional abuse that comes with seeing your mother treated like sh*t, day in, day out.

Children may continue to love and miss a rubbish dad, but it doesn't mean that they would be better subjected to his influence and bad example in how to behave.

Many dads when a relationship founders do stop being ''Dads''..They have new partners, new children, and not enough time is spent with Dad

If a "dad" can't be bothered to be a dad - why is that a Mum's fault? And what makes you think that he would have been any better if the family had stuck together, and he had been allowed so sh*g around/ gaslight/ physically abuse etc - whatever, he wanted - with impunity, because any son he might have NEEDS that male influence?

Is it so very important to teach our sons that men are bullies and women have to take it?

OP we should set up a ‘going forward in to a new chapter and excited’ thread

He always played the victim card, him not getting a good outcome was always someone else's fault. Never took charge of his own destiny and tbh I enabled it for years. Once we had kids, I tried to push on to give us a good life. He didn't and we just grew in completely different directions.

He doesn't really provide discipline. I'm the one who does all the grunt work and I'm annoyed at myself for letting that dynamic happen..I sort all the boring stuff whilst he plays with our son.

It's just such a relief to be out. And a huge weight off knowing I'm responsible for my.own destiny and happiness now. He is obsessed with what people think. He is the typical guy who people would say "No hes such a good guy, he wouldn't do that" but I'm way past caring what people think.

We are coparenting ok and he has regular access..I dont bad mouth him in front of DS and will stay out of the way of that.

Many dads when a relationship founders do stop being ''Dads''..They have new partners, new children, and not enough time is spent with Dad.

This is true as it happened to me, but the poster I quoted blamed the woman for “broken, fractured families“ and boys losing their dads.

If a dad fucks off his previous kids after a breakup because he’s got a new family, I’d posit that that’s hardly the mums fault.

@Codexdivinchi yes we should..
2020 can do one. Roll.on 2021

Hahahahaha OP you’ll like this

Brilliant.. that is exactly how I feel!

Congratulations!! Don't rush into a new relationship, take time to just enjoy being you!

I agree with Diannaslasso

Women only post when desperate and trying to understand. I did, and I LTB, massively due to comments on MN. They were right, I am now happy!!

Well done! I remember your original thread and was appalled at your ILs behaviour, literally fuming at them! Thank the Lord they aren't your problem any more!

People online influencing other peoples behaviour in real life? People who have never met, do not know any of the parties involved, and have only one side of the story. This is deeply worrying

I wish to God I had listened when women on MN told me what an arse my DH was being. They could see what I could not. They could see the incident I described was not a one off but reflected an attitude to me that was destructive. I didn't listen. Staying with him has imploded my whole life in everyway - job, friends, home, myself my self-worth, my entire future.. Everything. It's hard to get through each day.

I wish I had listened. Because they were strangers they could see what I could not. Perhaps because they were strangers they felt free to speak with a bluntness my friends did not. Or perhaps my friends were as misdirected by DH's displays of 'love' as I was. Whatever, the strangers were right. If I had listened I would be happy now too.

Surely the whole point of MN and other similar sites is to provide some unbiased support! People saying random Mumsnetters ,have caused OP to break up with her DP are being ridicolous! On here we can say what we really feel ,without worrying that people may judge us or wonder what is "wrong" with us that such a "lovely" man is being divorced (Usually a wolf in sheeps clothing!)

I wasn't influenced by these threads. But they did help me see what people were really like. Unfortunately ex's family including him are all narcissists. Everything is about portraying the perfect family brand whilst things fall apart behind the scenes.

Now we've split the true colours are coming out. I'm paying all the mortgage and bills alone whilst he tells everyone he is doing me a huge favour. I love the fact I can do it though. It is a bit tight but I can do it..so FK him.

I'm an independent person always have been..I would rather be alone than completely used and taken for granted.

Well done OP.

I was wondering if that was your bunch of cunts of IL’s who made your wee boy to sit on the cushion on the floor to prevent him from “spreading his germs”

Absolutely bonkers of people, cold, calculated, cruel bastards.

Sadly your XH is trained to please his parents and willing to sacrifice your marriage and his son in order to achieve that.

Enjoy your peaceful life and your wee gorgeous monkey( because all boys are fantastic mischievious loving monkeys).

As for XH- grey rock. Contact only regarding DS

@FrenchBoule yes you're right..I do have to go grey rock. Occasionally he gets a bite but I'm improving. He thrives on trying to wind me up. He is a sad little man who isnt actually living a true single parent life right now in that he isnt working full time, running a house, cooking for his child. Is all being done for him at present..karma is a bitch.

@oakleaffy The parent leaving may be ''happy''...but the kid/s often aren't.

You don't seem to understand children very well do you. Most kids from divorced families say they are GLAD their parents divorced because the shouting and fights became upsetting for them. Parents who stay together 'for the sake of the kids' fool no one, certainly not the kids. Kids know their parents are unhappy, and that in turn, makes the kids unhappy. In addition, are you suggesting children should stay in a violent and abusive home and a woman being bashed and emotionally abused should stay, 'for the sake of the children' even though the children see that marriage as normal and grow up to continue the cycle? Your attitude is deeply disturbing, to say the least, if so.

My son said recently {he is now adult}
''Boys generally NEED a man in their life, they are programmed to seek another male's influence''...

That, is also a very disturbing thing to read, and it goes to prove my point that men grow up and think certain attitudes are acceptable. It sounds to me like your son has been brainwashed by someone, maybe you? Whoever it is that has filled his head with such nonsense, they've ensured he will go on to have a dysfunctional relationship with women/men and his own children. I certainly wouldn't be bragging about his attitude if I were you, I would be embarrassed by it and wondering where I went wrong.

Ironically it was my son that gave me the push. I couldn't in good faith create an environment where the dad could treat the mum like that. I don't want him behaving that way towards his future partner. He needs to respect them and do his bit.