DHs indecision is ripping us apart.

[Lonely04070]

We have been looking at houses for around 2 years, we live in an ex council house in a rough area and I hate it we have a household income of 6 figures what was a starter home and we have been here 7 years!! DH doesn't want to move a little up the ladder he wants to move up the whole hog. I want a home that's been completed and is decorated as DH is a nightmare and dithers and takes ages to decide little things like the colour of the cabinets. He likes to control every little thing
We finally agreed to purchase a property this is a midrange house it's a newish property but in good condition and we did both like it.

We are weeks from exchange and DH has found out he's had a rate cut (hes a contractor) which is fine as I can afford the mortgage payments by myself.

He's now saying he wants to pull out then a day later he doesn't he gets his family involved who don't like newish properties and they all say to pull out he gets his friends opinions.
Then he says he wants to stay in our current house for the next few years for economic reasons and I can't stand the thought of it. I feel awful for the vendors and embarrassed
Even if we moved a little bit up the ladder to a nicer property I would be happy.

My DD is affected by all this and the arguments I'm getting worn out and seriously considering moving into my own property.

Can you afford to buy this house yourself? Would you want to live in it, if you didn't have to compromise with your husband?

Your post screams to me that there is more to this than just a bit of indecision. In your shoes, I'd feel undermined (your opinion should be more important than his friends & family).

How are things going otherwise?

How come he gets to make the decision?

Just to say op

Should you go ahead and buy another property whilst married, it will go in to the assets pot if you split up

He has the deposit money and most of the savings I mostly use my money on mortgage, food fun things. So yes I need access to the deposit but on my own I could afford a house thats much better than this one even if not as expensive as this one.

Otherwise he's ok I met him when I was 18 and he always wore the trousers until recently my career has taken off. There has been a power struggle recently as I'm not just letting him do what he wants.

Well I don't really want to split up but this is a major issue to me while he was swanning around living it up in 5 star hotels Monday to Friday on company expenses me and DD we're struggling to get to sleep because of the neighbours having parties.
Someone recently got viciously assaulted round the corner my DH literally lives here because it's cheap and big for the money.

I would tell him it's a deal breaker that if you don't go through with buying the house then your marriage isn't going to survive and he can live there on his own.

Remember the savings are still 50% yours as is the current house...

If he's always worn the trousers as you put it, is it him controlling things?
Seems like there is an underlying reason he is not moving. I think you need to dig a bit.
Or not bother and move yourself. Why does he get to have the final say?

Dealbreaker

And if you split up you'll get half the savings.

See what he says to that.

Oh dear. This was me. Please don’t put up with this controlling bollocks like I did. He is prioritising his finances over your happiness.

Think about your DD. While he is dithering, she is growing up in a rough neighborhood. What is the school like? Will she be making friends with hooligans? If she has nicer friends, will she always go to visit them and they will never be allowed to visit her? Will she be ashamed of where she lives and angry that you could do better but didn't (picking up on your feelings)?
He may be happy the way he is living but you are his wife and daughter -- he ought to want to do the best he possibly can to provide for you. If he doesn't then you and DD should go it alone.

Surely yours and DDs happiness and safety should be his priority. If it’s not, I’d want to know why.

It sounds as though your husband is getting cold feet at the eleventh hour.

Stick to your guns and never mind what anyone else says, it isn't their business. New houses can be very nice and they aren't new for that long; ten years on and they look lived in and established.

Good luck.

I think this is the big power struggle.

He know you desperately want to move and has took you to the point of nearly competing it. Now he is pulling that back to show you he still wears the pants.

If he take it off the table - it shows he is still boss

If he eventually allows you to move - you will be so thankful and indebted to him.

It’s a win win for him.

Funny that he’s got the deposit money isn’t it...

Personally I’d stop paying all the bills and reclaim some of your money back and tell him your moving with or without him. You and your dd deserve some where to live that you can live in peace.

I live in a council tower block and area. It is particularly rough and I've seen some really bad stuff.

He should be thinking of your DD- any decent parent would want to move somewhere better/safer for her if they could as soon as possible, that would be their top priority.

Or so I would think.

This isn’t about indecision it’s about power and control and given your recent career lift, you H is flexing his ‘I wear the trousers’ muscles.

You’ve gotten into the bad ‘path of least resistance’ habit of letting him make all the decisions and so if you want the status quote to change the onus is on you to take back the power that you’ve surrendered to this selfish man.

If a man making all the decisions isn’t the message you want your DD to learn, than you need to stop modelling that behaviour. How far are you willing to fight for equality in your marriage and the strong female role for your DD?

Handwringing changes nothing, it’s time you took decisive action.

Are you actually married?

There has been a power struggle recently as I'm not just letting him do what he wants.

There's your answer, and he sounds tight.

I'd start making plans for yourself and your dd, he doesn't care about what's best for his family, just that it is what he wants.

If I was you, I’d move anyway. If you can afford it then buy the house on your own. Show him that you aren’t going to keep rolling over to his demands

I’d literary start looking for some where to rent.

This is really unkind what he has done and still trying to show you he is boss.

Split and buy your own house.
Independence is a great thing.

Buying, selling and moving costs £10K. I wouldn’t want to do that for a little move up the ladder. I’d want value for money.

@Goongoon

Buying, selling and moving costs £10K. I wouldn’t want to do that for a little move up the ladder. I’d want value for money.

It’s in a quieter saver place with is priceless. As a mother who did exactly the same I don’t regret it

OP says mid range, that sounds like more than one ring up the ladder, no stamp duty and they current live in an unsafe area and the op is there without he DH 4 nights per week...

Passive aggressive/control issues. You'll get nowhere. If you do move, driven by you, he will make you pay somehow.

I'm sorry - I agree with other posters - he doesn't really care about you. But he sure cares about his pride.

I would also hazard that if you offer him an ultimatum - he will let you and your child go. But even then - you will have to do all the work.

I was involved with a passive aggressive for 22 years. One indecision and frustration after another. I had to sadly park one dream and plan after another. He just subtracted more and more.

Passive aggressives are afraid of their dependance on you, but they can't leave, so will destroy the relationship from the inside.

I personally feel that relationships started young generally just don't last. 18? that's still a child. And he doesn't sound adaptable or stable or kind. It's going to implode. Your choice is, will it be sooner or later? I really wish I had been strong enough to choose sooner.

lynnenamka.com/anger-management/anger-management-articles/the-boomerang-relationship/

I’d call him out on his I’m alright Jack sod you behaviour.

It’s not even about buying this house to him, sounds to me like he doesn’t really want to buy any house. He doesn’t care for the rough area because to him it cheap and suits him financially and more importantly he is not even there having to put up with it the majority of the time. It’s so unbelievably selfish of him!!

I could understand his reluctance if you were insisting on moving to some swanky mansion, hut your literally just wanting to move to a fairly standard decent house in a decent area.

The garnering of the opinions and input of others, I don’t understand this either. Is it that he is trying to win you out on the fact that everyone agrees with him?? Or does he just need people to pander and agree with him all the time.

There is absolutely no excuse for not completing the sale of this house, particularly if you can afford the mortgage payments on your wage alone. Regardless of the fact he has had a contract cut, you could still go through with the sale because you can afford it, so it is just an excuse - HIS excuse!!

I know you might not want to split up but I could not live with this behaviour because it would seem he just genuinely doesn’t care about you and your DD as he literally puts his own wants and the opinions of others ahead of you.

I would be issuing an ultimatum at the very least, and stating that without question that you will not be spending a moment longer than absolutely necessary in your current house. He can choose to get on board with that or not but either way you and your DD are leaving.