AIBU to think my marriage is slightly crowded

[runliketewind]

I will try keep this short but any advise will be much appreciated plz I've recently discovered my DH internet history and to my shock horror he is addicted to porn ( went back 6 months) watching it several times a day even when I'm in the house cooking, cleaning etc etc. He chooses not to join most activities outside the home and I'm thinking this is because he wants to stay behind to watch this stuff ( as the history suggests, i thought he was just lazy and boring! ) I know many will say that all men watch porn but honestly AIBU to think my marriage is a little crowded or should I let my DH have his "self love" as many sites suggest. This makes me angry to read but seems to be the "normal" advise. He even watches the home cameras on the tv to make sure I'm not coming home ( wondered why they were always on whenever I went out!) I've carmly mentioned it to him but he denies everything and hasn't stopped. Thinking of ending my marriage as dont want to grow old having to put up with this crap! am I being too extreme?

You’re not overacting if he’s choosing to stay in wanking over going outside the house. Also, the camera thing is plain weird, what’s he watching that he doesn’t want you to see? It would be a turn off for me.

What about your sex life? Are you satisfied with it?is he good in other ways ? Staying home and not being involved is not on I don’t think.

Only makes a move on me when he cant get his fix. I feel he chooses it over me. He is very lazy around the house apart from a little DIY. I also noticed he had visited other sites that you meet people for sex but not sure if that is just for the fun of the chase?

Get out and run like hell. Hopefully you don't have any children with him.

I don’t have a problem with my DH enjoying himself or watching porn, but this does sound like a problem. Choosing porn over you and not joining in with activities is a big issue.

You need to talk to him and tell him this is not okay and he needs to get himself some help.

He prioritises wanking over everything. He watches out for you coming home, so you don't catch him watching porn He's on sex meet up sites.

Hardly an ideal life partner is he?

Oh, and the only having sex with you when he can't get his fix is quite common with porn addicts. They prefer the fantasy to sex with a real live woman.

Are you this desperate for any man you would stick around for this ?

You have CCTV outside your home and he watches to see when you are coming in? (I hope they are legal as you arent' allowed to have CCTV pointing onto a public highway or footpath!)

How old are you both and how long married?

The cameras are all above bored and only point at our drive /my car.

Got them as a deterrent because my car got broken into a while bck. We are in our late 40s married 9 years

Board

@JinglingHellsBells

If you go on the gov.uk site it says nothing about not pointing it towards highways or public path. You may need to speak to neighbours to make sure they are happy if some of their property is caught by the camera. Why do you think the police often look for cctv when investigating? because it’s often pointed at the road and can help with enquiries

Why do you think the police often look for cctv when investigating?
@Cloemol
Exactly They are the police!

A private citizen cannot use CCTV and record people under the data protection act. I suggest you read the information out there.

Not sure what you have read or not read but you are in the wrong.

It is all very clear here.

ico.org.uk/your-data-matters/domestic-cctv-systems-guidance-for-people-using-cctv/

@Chloemol @JinglingHellsBells
Well that’s all very useful to the OP and her life changing decision....

It doesnt matter what is 'normal' in society, what matters is your feelings about it.

I dont mind men watching porn but him not coming out with you and preferring to watch porn is an issue.

If he has been on a sex site you know he is registered and seeking sex. It wouldnt surprise me if him refusing to go out with you is linked to him meeting up with people or camming with them.

If he doesnt think his porn use is an issue why is he denying it?

I think I can put the record straight here on the camera situation.

The police are aware of my cameras and are happy for them to be recording whatever they record, be it a person situation or alien! however, the recordings cannot be used as it is classed as surveillance and would not stand up in a court of law ( unless the police needed it of course!)

My neighbours are happy as they to have cameras also which record the whole street, and again the police are happy but assured them the footage could not be used. With that said, the police were happy for the said neighbour to hand over the footage to an insurance company when their car was reversed into,. That stood up very well!

Hope this helps!

Hi OP, sorry people have gone on about random stuff. Loads of people have cameras nowadays.

He does sound obsessed with the porn, also I would assume he was trying to meet people if he's on sites that are for that.

His obsession makes him very boring in everyday life- and maybe in bed, at least in as much as him rarely being up for it.

I would call it quits. When you meet someone else, they're unlikely to be like this.

Well OP, now we've sorted out the burning issue with your CCTV(!), it doesn't sound like your relationship is all that great if he's preferring to wank off instead of spending time with you and then lying about it.

Do you have children?

To what extent are you financially dependent on him?

I dont think anyone would criticise you if you sacked this one off.

I can't think of anything less attractive than a man who sits around wanking in front of a laptop all day.

How can you take him seriously?!

Read some of the porn widows threads on here. That's your future if you stay with this sad fucker.

Am of the view that a porn addiction is a gateway drug to prostitutes or your husband's case, sites where you meet others just for sex. Was also the case with my lovely but STBXH. Just run.

Daily Male

It's not 'random' stuff about CCTV when he is using it as means of 'policing' the OP's whereabouts, so he can wank to porn is it? @SoulofanAggron It's an integral part of the problem and shows his obsession and helps facilitate it.

My point was that if he was using CCTV illegally, it would be one way to get rid of them and therefore make his porn habit harder to conceal from her. I thought that point was obvious.

OP only you know if his habit is a marriage breaker.

If you have children and want to try to save your marriage, maybe counselling as a couple would be a start if he was willing to try that.

The first step is he has to admit his porn habit is destroying his marriage and it doesn't seem as if he is there yet. How is he denying it when presumably you know? Do you walk in on him or check his user history? Or have you caught him watching?

You need to talk to him again, make him understand how serious this is for you and see if he accepts the need to change.

Masturbating and watching porn is normal. But doing it several times a day and missing family events to do it is not. He obviously has a problem and you need to decide whether you want to be with him or not.

Hi OP

How terrible for you

As another poster used the term Addiction - totally agree with this. He’s now addicted. He offers porn over interacting with you, going out if the house or having sex with you AND he’s trying to huff it by using the CCTV so he’s not caught by you

The looking fir sex is a progression in this addiction.

Now as an addiction, he can try to get help but truthfully fir that to work he has to actually want it to work.

Of greatest importance is how you feel. The looking for sex is a horrible breach of trust in a marriage and for most, something unforgivable. You also don’t know for sure if he has actually met someone for sex (in your home while you’re out or if he’s gone out or perhaps has virtual sex on line).

This situation is so much more than simply watching occasional porn.

I think you need to get your ducks in a tie and then do more investigating if the situation before having a serious discussion with him about the situation and what you what as a means of resolution.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find a way to deal with this successfully.

I wouldn’t be with a man who watches porn, and I don’t believe the line that all men do it.

@JinglingHellsBells

It's not 'random' stuff about CCTV when he is using it as means of 'policing' the OP's whereabouts, so he can wank to porn is it? *@SoulofanAggron* It's an integral part of the problem and shows his obsession and helps facilitate it.

My point was that if he was using CCTV illegally, it would be one way to get rid of them and therefore make his porn habit harder to conceal from her. I thought that point was obvious.

OP only you know if his habit is a marriage breaker.

If you have children and want to try to save your marriage, maybe counselling as a couple would be a start if he was willing to try that.

The first step is he has to admit his porn habit is destroying his marriage and it doesn't seem as if he is there yet. How is he denying it when presumably you know? Do you walk in on him or check his user history? Or have you caught him watching?

You need to talk to him again, make him understand how serious this is for you and see if he accepts the need to change.

@JinglingHellsBells Stop trying to justify your irrelevant derail - when you said (I hope they are legal as you arent' allowed to have CCTV pointing onto a public highway or footpath!) You were clearly being jobsworthy and continued to derail the thread even after the OP had confirmed where the CCTV pointed. You didn't once suggest that if the CCTV was illegal it could be removed to aid her investigating his actions so don't try and pretend that was your point. It clearly wasn't.

Plus getting rid of the CCTV isn't needed to make his porn addiction harder to conceal from her as the OP's posts clearly show how 'unconcealed' his addiction is and how aware of the times/sites she is, so as has already been pointed out, where the bloody CCTV is pointed is pretty irrelevant. Stop banging on about it!

OP

I think there are 2 potential issues here. 1. The fact he's checked out of you relationship/family life - do you really want to live like this?

1. The possibility that he could be viewing hook up sites or possibly unpleasant porn material

He's clearly not constructively engaged in your relationship - you need to think about what you want