I am the bad one :(

[ineedtochange2020]

Just reading a thread on here where a husband is treating his wife with no respect. Some very supportive posters helping the OP through it.

Feeling very ashamed as I'm quite horrible to my husband sometimes, more so in the last few weeks as things have been pretty stressful (job loss, moving, unplanned pregnancy which I still don't know if I can continue with) - not that this is any excuse.

He absolutely hates confrontation whereas I am more of a live wire and have an uncontrollable 'need' to set things straight. We had couples counselling before we had our first child, a little over two years ago, which did seem to help for a bit but now - going through the fog of the first couple of years of raising a child - it seems to have fallen by the wayside. It's like I have little respect for him but I do want us to last and I don't know how to sort things out. Due to my job (I'm working part time now) I'm going to be more financially dependent on him for a while although we have so far put equally into the marriage in this respect... if this is relevant.

I'm not really looking forward to a bashing on here (I'm pretty good at doing that to myself) but need a bit of advice as to how to get the balance right. In a way I suppose he enables it as he never fights back. Are we doomed? Does he need someone much sweeter and do I need someone who will stand up to me? Or is it 100% my issue? I should know better as I work in an industry where we help people in distress, plus I'm no spring chicken.

I've stopped taking ADs (was on after breastfeeding as hadn't ever addressed the emotional and mental fallout from a bereavement filled year, and didn't want to be on them though pregnancy and bf) due to finding out I'm pregnant again, they were helping but I won't take while carrying. Also not sure we will see this pregnancy through.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to get it all out.

What is your DH like as an actual person? Works hard, does his fair share of child and house care? Affectionate, kind hearted? A nice supportive person?

No one can say whether a marriage is right without seeing the other persons view, and at the moment all you are saying is what a difficult person you are.

If you are someone with Mh issues do you think you are difficult to live with?

All this asking about do you need someone to 'stand up to you' is worrying. Relationships aren't about confrontation, but about cooperation.

In a way I suppose he enables it as he never fights back.

Are you serious? You're blaming your husband for you bullying him?

Why don't you take responsibility for own behaviour? If you are a 'live wire' ie irritable and lose your temper easily, why don't you get some help with that?

You don't need someone who will stand up to you - you need to stop bullying people. It sounds like your husband is ground down and just can't be bothered anymore.

There's an organisation called Respect you could try who have programmes for 'live wires' or bullies who need to 'set things straight' or grind their partner's into the floor then have the cajones to blame them for it. I hope you're not also a 'live wire' with your child.

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Thanks posters. No I'm extremely affectionate, patient, calm, caring etc with LO and we are the bestest of friends. She's extremely loving too and adores us both.

DH - yes very supportive and caring, can make a mountain out of any molehill though and knows exactly how to press my buttons. I feel we fail at communicating sometimes as he will press and ill fly off the handle. Very interesting what PP said about relationships being about cooperation as for some bizarre reason I thought I needed someone to put me right on occasion but it's me who needs to do this.

I wouldn't say I'm a bully, no, neither would DH. He says I always think the worst of myself and won't let him in - he says he knows we are solid and that I really love him (I do) - but I put up walls.

Things are particularly fraught as I'm considering termination as since finding out about pregnancy I've been so unhappy and quite worried about my MH. DH is happy either way (think deep down he'd like to keep pregnancy going) but he wants us to protect what we have (in other words my MH and our happiness and parenting).

So I would say to you that in all of this, the only person’s behaviour that is in your control is yours. Yes that influences his reaction and his behaviour back may be needing examination too but one of you at least needs to attempt to break the cycle of action/reaction etc.

If you are finding that the pattern of the communication between you isn’t going well then you need to consider how your behaviour contributes to that.

It may be that you need some couples counselling so you’re better equipped to manage the tougher conversations with a more common or structured approach to saying what needs to be said.

OP here's the picture you're painting of yourself:

Feeling very ashamed as I'm quite horrible to my husband

I am more of a live wire and have an uncontrollable 'need' to set things straight

It's like I have little respect for him

In a way I suppose he enables it as he never fights back.

How come you are a 'live wire' and need someone who stands up to you with your husband, but manage to be kind, patient and loving with your child?

I can answer that for you - it's because you are choosing to be a 'live wire' with your husband who you say you have little respect for.

Once you're lost respect for someone, it's very difficult to get it back. Every time you are horrible to your husband, you're making a choice. In the same way, you're making a choice to be kind, patient and calm with your child. Children can test you to the limit but you still manage to restrain yourself.

Most people don't like confrontation OP and will do what they can to avoid it. They don't avoid calm discussions where you try to work things out though.

I would get help for yourself first.

Appreciate these replies. I have name changed for this post but been on mn for a few years and usually find the replies on other posts so helpful. Lots of food for thought here. Thank you.

Please stop blaming your husband for your behaviour.

So he "presses your buttons" and you are nasty to him. What happens when your DC "presses your buttons"?

Either the answer is you stay calm, so you are making a choice to bully your husband.

Or, you have an anger management problem which you need help with before your DC gets old enough to really challenge your temper.

You really need to consider WHY you are being so horrible to someone you claim to love? How do you think it makes him feel? Have you ever thought about his feelings when you are being horrible to him, or just yours?

Thanks. Taking this on board and letting it sink in before I respond. We did start off wonderfully, never imagined I'd take him for granted which is what some behaviour has been like :(

What do you mean by horrible to him? If it's like the behaviours listed in the other thread you're referencing then you need to get help urgently.

I think it's very telling that instead of realising that him not being confrontational is just who he is, you believe it to be enabling and therefore somewhat aggressive. Him not wanting an argument has nothing to do with you, you don't get to goad someone into an argument just because that's how YOU process those feelings, what about his process?

Take a step back and ask yourself why does this situation require me to get angry or to raise my voice? You know your communication is a problem so take steps to begin mending that. Talk things out, understand that your husband being who he is is not a vindictive act to enable your fight reflex, and do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down.

My first instinct was to point out the things in your post that are red flags and not the right way to think. There are quite a few but I think you know that

I think the first things you need to work on is managing anger and understanding boundaries. Because right now it sounds like you don't have a good grip on either of these things. I think counselling could help with that.

And just to say I don't think you need a man to stand up to you. I think you need YOU to stand up to you. You know you're in the wrong. You need to turn this around.

I wouldn't be considering my relationship just now, you need to do this work on yourself first.

@ghostofme god no not like in that thread. I'm snappy and irritable and yes he doesn't deserve this. Earlier I said I'm horrible to you!! And he laughed and rugby tackled me to the bed and made me kiss him. That's sort of how we interact. He's a lot softer than me and I hope my daughter inherits that side of him. I would say I am sharp edged but weirdly never get told that by anyone (they say I'm very caring).

I think my snappiness is unacceptable at home. I take my feelings out on him and I know that isn't fair at all.

I'm glad I'm seeing it and although these posts are bloody hard to read, it's very useful. Thanks everyone.

@Greendays557 the most constructive advice. Thanks so much.

This post is really helping me work on me. I'm 40 fgs... time to sort it out. And so lucky I have a loving DH and that our daughter is the most affectionate funny being. I don't want her to grow up thinking that being unreasonably snappy is okay.

OP, you're not just the negatives things you say in your first post. You are also extremely honest, and braver than I am. I couldn't have posted that on Mumsnet. You also have good insight and are willing to face negative things about yourself. You've done counselling before , so hopefully you can see the benefits. I have worked in mental health as well and I honestly think you could benefit massively from doing this.

And I think maybe it's possible you have lost a little respect for yourself and that's what is driving a lot of this. If I were you , I would have a talk with your husband, tell him you are struggling, you are willing to work on yourself and you are sorry. You can think about the strength of the relationship when you're doing better in yourself.

And 40 is nothing. You are only halfway through your life and you are going to reap the rewards of the work you do now for decades.

for your bereavement filled year.

Oh thank you @Greendays557 - things are feeling so much better right now. Thank you for your incredibly supportive post x

I've dealt with many years of snappy behaviour and worse from DH. It wouldn't make a difference now but a few years ago if he'd just acknowledged what he was doing, apologised and gone to see someone to work on his stress responses and anger I would have been so happy. I'd still feel indescribable relief if he just owned his behaviour and apologised. It wouldn't save us, but it would still mean so much.

After a while the snappiness had me walking on eggshells at the particular times he'd tend to get annoyed. I think PPs suggestion to work on you first is a good one. If like my DH it's a stress/anger response than seeing a psychologist to develop better ways to deal with stress and anger would be a good place to start.

I bet your need to set things straight isn’t uncontrollable. I bet you can control bad behaviour when you need to - at work, for example.

For whatever reason, you’ve decided you don’t need to bother.

I think you are pushing his buttons for a reaction of some sort. What reaction?? I think be careful you don't push him too far since nobody will win and where do you go from there??

Oh come on, this is like abusers 101.
Is it some sort of ploy to get posters to admit that women are abusive as well?

Firstly, your title is meant to get you sympathy- hoping you'll get lots of posters saying 'aww, you're not bad'.

Then you say you're 'horrible' to your husband and then you immensely backtrack claim you're not a bully and you're merely snappish. And you blame him for it twice (he knows how to push your buttons/ it's his fault because he doesn't fight back).

How about you acknowledge your actions and the impact on your husband and either stop and work on yourself or leave the poor bastard alone.

In a way I suppose he enables it as he never fights back.

Whoa. Wait a minute there. You are blaming him for your abusiveness and your refusal to curb your shit behaviour.

Time to give your head a massive wobble.

In the end I divorced my husband because for years he was very confrontational and critical, and I hated it. I stopped responding because I didn’t want arguments in front of the kids.

I am sure there are lots of differences between your marriage and mine, but just to say that the person being bullied does eventually get fed up and leave. So if in other respects you have a good relationship and you want to stay with your husband, the priority would be to get some support for yourself and examine the issues you have in communicating with him.

Agree with Downward. He will dump you eventually

I think that you have used the wrong words when you say he enables you to be nasty to him. I think you have lost respect for him precisely because he doesn't stand up to you. It's obvious that you don't like your own behaviour towards him but you want him to challenge you. Your irritation is actually the product of your frustration at an unmet need. I suspect deep down you feel disappointed in him in different ways and you are not being honest with yourself. You probably are in love with him but he somehow disappoints you.

My marriage has failed because I didn't realise that my attitude towards him had changed over time and he had picked up on it. On the surface he was a model husband and in many ways he truly was. However, he had a darker side in which he was also rather arrogant, domineering and self entitled. It was difficult to see these traits amongst the positive ones but clearly they existed and I couldn't ignore them as much as I tried.

Dig deep OP. Your behaviour towards him is rooted in your real, deep seeted view of him which you may be trying to minimise in order to protect the marriage. If he doesn't make you happy (you currently don't understand why), you will struggle to reciprocate this and you will make him unhappy with your nitpicking and anger. It really isn't a good cycle to experience for either of you. I would suggest that you have couple's therapy to help you work out your true feelings towards him and find better ways to communicate with him.