Is there hope?!

[DumbleDorkReturns]

I was hoping some of you lovely lot here could advise please seeing as you’ve been fab with advice in the past.

Long and the short of it is:

Husband and I have been together 16 years, married 8 (got together at 17).

Used to have a great relationship but things went downhill a bit after our first child was born 3 1/2 years into the relationship (who was unplanned and arrived when we were both 20), typically more arguments, less sex, money worries that kind of thing.

Things improved gradually and we got married and were very happy. We then had a string of miscarriages with the latest being at 12 weeks which was hell. Finally we conceived our youngest (who’s now 6) and things have rapidly gone down hill since then.

We got to the point where we barely talk and when we did it was either snarkiness or full blown rows.

We had a discussion about a month ago where we discussed staying together vs separating. We talked about a lot and both ended up in tears. Both at the moment seem difficult options (staying if it stays the same will be shit but we can’t imagine not being together) but we decided we’ve been together too long to throw it away and to work on it.

Whilst there haven’t been horrific rows in that time there’s been no affection.

He seems to think that part of the problem is the lack of sex which in a way it is because when we do it we get on so much better but during the row he said he finds sex boring as it's always exactly the same routine but then refused to discuss how to improve it as he's too shy to discuss it (we've only ever been together).

I'm kind of in the mind set that work on the sex and the rest might fall into place but realistically I know the failing isn’t down to sex and it’s so much bigger than that, money, kids, delegation of domestic duties etc all come into play a lot, ie he earns 5 times what I do as I’m part time, we disagree on certain parenting strategies, I do all the housework etc which cause a lot of bickering, arguments, resentment and disagreements.

We then discussed the fun stuff over the years we laugh so much together so there still is something there.

Covid hasn't helped either as he works from home in an important role and I'm a key worker so worked all the way through. Add home educating and you've a recipe for disaster.

Has anyone else come back from something that’s almost completely broken and come out the other side?

Thank you

@DumbleDorkReturns if you don’t want to leave I’d at least consider a very open, mutual separation /uncoupling and see what he says to that. I don’t know how realistic that would be, in terms of bedroom / living room areas.

What happens when the children grow up and leave? Will you split then? It’s a horrible, uncertain, way to live and a heavy load to carry.

My friends husband always said he stayed with his wife for the kids and it was laughed off, swept under the carpet. When the eldest turned 18 he literally said that’s it, goodbye, packed and walked out of the door. Do you want to find yourself in this situation when the children are grown.

Unless you are both willing to change then you should absolutely separate. You are obviously both miserable.
So your first job is to really think about this and ask your dh to do the same. If he decides he isn't willing to change at all you've got your answer.

He is acting abusively. It will get worse, not better. It's not good for the children, they can tell when there is tension between their parents.

You need some proper legal advice.