Is there hope?!

[DumbleDorkReturns]

I was hoping some of you lovely lot here could advise please seeing as you’ve been fab with advice in the past.

Long and the short of it is:

Husband and I have been together 16 years, married 8 (got together at 17).

Used to have a great relationship but things went downhill a bit after our first child was born 3 1/2 years into the relationship (who was unplanned and arrived when we were both 20), typically more arguments, less sex, money worries that kind of thing.

Things improved gradually and we got married and were very happy. We then had a string of miscarriages with the latest being at 12 weeks which was hell. Finally we conceived our youngest (who’s now 6) and things have rapidly gone down hill since then.

We got to the point where we barely talk and when we did it was either snarkiness or full blown rows.

We had a discussion about a month ago where we discussed staying together vs separating. We talked about a lot and both ended up in tears. Both at the moment seem difficult options (staying if it stays the same will be shit but we can’t imagine not being together) but we decided we’ve been together too long to throw it away and to work on it.

Whilst there haven’t been horrific rows in that time there’s been no affection.

He seems to think that part of the problem is the lack of sex which in a way it is because when we do it we get on so much better but during the row he said he finds sex boring as it's always exactly the same routine but then refused to discuss how to improve it as he's too shy to discuss it (we've only ever been together).

I'm kind of in the mind set that work on the sex and the rest might fall into place but realistically I know the failing isn’t down to sex and it’s so much bigger than that, money, kids, delegation of domestic duties etc all come into play a lot, ie he earns 5 times what I do as I’m part time, we disagree on certain parenting strategies, I do all the housework etc which cause a lot of bickering, arguments, resentment and disagreements.

We then discussed the fun stuff over the years we laugh so much together so there still is something there.

Covid hasn't helped either as he works from home in an important role and I'm a key worker so worked all the way through. Add home educating and you've a recipe for disaster.

Has anyone else come back from something that’s almost completely broken and come out the other side?

Thank you

You are grateful that he has never been physically abusive?

Why do you have such low standards?

Have a look at this

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@DumbleDorkReturns It does sound like a friendship kind of love. Doesn’t mean it can’t be salvaged or recover though, if you both want it to.
You say you’ve looked into leaving him but that sounds like it was from a financial side. Why wouldn’t he be the one to leave? You’d have the children so he would have to go... I’d imagine.
You both seem to be putting off the inevitable to me.... for the sake of finances and maybe the children?
Could you take a break? Separate beds?

@IheartJKR I was 17 when we got together and he was 18.

I didn't realise I had low standards

@Suzi888 financial plays a big part though. I couldn't afford to run this house alone even with maintenance from him. We'd have to sell, there's no way around that.

I want to try but he seems so disinterested

Your relationship sounds like your husband does not value you at all. Making snide remarks about your labours, calling you out for a boring sex life, but leaving you to pick up all the family slack while he does what he wants.
I've been in a long term abusive relationship like this, and it will never ever get better. Leaving my ex husband was the best decision I have ever made. I thought I would never be able to do it, he made me feel like I couldn't manage without him, but I did it and I do manage without him. My life is so much better now. We still coparent, but not having him dictating to me has made me a much happier person.

I think in your situation you should think if you can continue to live your life with this man for potentially another 40 years, or if you should break away and make yourself happy again.

Hugs and these for you

@Suzi888 not working isn't an option, the only money I'd have then would be child benefit and I have all my portion of the bills to pay

I don't know why all you young women are settling for this kind of shit in your marriage !

The problem isnt you. Fact.

Your husband sounds like an absolute jerk. Neither of you sound particularly happy together and life is too short to be stuck in some dead end rut where you’re just on at each other all the time.

@DumbleDorkReturns
No, I appreciate it’s hard to have to start over.
He doesn’t sound emotionally available, ask him if wants to try and work things out or lead separate lives, but within the same household? that’s the only other thing I can think of. At least then you know where you stand. It’s not much of a life though. You deserve to be happy.

@VivaMiltonKeynes
I don’t really know what you mean... most women work these days because they want to.

God, he sounds horrible OP.

''He's even made "jokes" about needing 2 emergency c sections and says that I "bottled it" in terms of natural labour. Was in labour 3 days and pushing 3 hours to put it into context''

What an absolute ignorant, passive aggressive, nasty thing to say. He shouldn't have said this even if you had a pre-planned elective caesarian. So he wanted you to go to the trenches did he? Suffer unnecessarily? Hurt more? Put your life even more at risk?

Just out of interest, do you have access to the money he earns/ his accounts or just he just tell you what he does with it?

I'm with everyone else on here, I think you need to think about making plans to leave. This is abusive.

[quote DumbleDorkReturns]@IheartJKR I was 17 when we got together and he was 18.

I didn't realise I had low standards [/quote]
It’s very difficult when the scales fall op. You are coming to realise some uncomfortable truths and it must be very difficult for you right now.
Please let me advise you, that it is, in my opinion without a shadow of a doubt, your standards are to low.
You are accepting and minimising behaviour that is abusive and you deserve so much better

@AllInTentsWithPorpoises we have separate accounts so no access

@DumbleDorkReturns

Have a look at the picture I've attached of the circle of abuse.They are behaviours your DH is/has portraying/portrayed that fit into this.

Your only 33;you have the rest of your life ahead of you.You could do so much,you could retrain/do an OU course and find a better job and have a career that you want,you could in the future buy another house,you could meet a man who is kind and decent who thinks your the best thing since sliced bread.You could remarry,you could even have another child if that's what you want.

You're tempted to stay in a shit relationship with a shit man because it's familiar and it's a safe option.The problem here isn't you it's your DH.If you split,it'll be his loss not yours.

[quote DumbleDorkReturns]@AllInTentsWithPorpoises we have separate accounts so no access [/quote]
Oh love. I hate to say this but I fear it might be about to get a lot worse. He earns 5x more than you right? What do you pay each per month of outgoings and what spending money do you each have?
If you leave, you need to be aware of potential lies and omissions in relation to finances....

If he is disinterested in trying to save your marriage the it’s unlikely you can do it alone . The fact that he has told you if it wasn’t for the DC you wouldn’t be together would be enough for me .
Ok ,so you would have to sell your house . I have a very good friend , who lived with her DH ( now ex) in the most incredibly beautiful house , with plenty of money at her disposal. However she was miserable , so she left . She now lives in a much smaller place , Money is much tighter ,but she has moved on and she is happier than I have ever seen her . Dont let the fear of a change of circumstance put you off if you are not happy , and tbh neither you nor your DH sound happy.
He should have without any doubt ,moved heaven and earth to be with you for your trip to the hospital instead of letting you get the bus (did I even understand that correctly ) . That is unforgivable . . Also never ever feel grateful that someone is not physically abusive , that’s insane on every single level . You need to value yourself so much more .
If you want to leave , then look at all the possible ways of making it a possibility , including downsizing your property and moving to a slightly cheaper area . Could you have the option of working more towards full time , or increase your days . That would help financially . Lots of people who leave a marriage are scared , just like you , and there’s nothing wrong with that at all , it’s bloody daunting , but it can be done . You just have to decide if that’s what you want , or if you want to keep on trying for now .

[quote Suzi888]@DumbleDorkReturns
No, I appreciate it’s hard to have to start over.
He doesn’t sound emotionally available, ask him if wants to try and work things out or lead separate lives, but within the same household? that’s the only other thing I can think of. At least then you know where you stand. It’s not much of a life though. You deserve to be happy.

@VivaMiltonKeynes
I don’t really know what you mean... most women work these days because they want to.[/quote]
I mean having to pay portions of bills when you earn much less. It should be one pot and the family expenses come out of that .

@VivaMiltonKeynes I see, I’m quite lucky I work because I want to, not because I have to. My husband pays for mortgage and bills. Otherwise we would just pay more on childcare. I think if he woman works and contributes then household chores need to be split evenly between both.
My hubby earns a lot more than I do, of course if things changed so would our finances.
Most of my friends contribute financially, I think it depends if both are happy with that arrangement.

I haven't read all the thread, but if he is earning 5 times more than you, then the family income must be high. Why is he doing the dishes? Why don't you have a dishwasher? Why don't you have a cleaner a couple of times per week? That expense to come out of joint household income, not yours.

@DianaT1969 we don't have a dishwasher as there was space for a washing machine and either a dishwasher or a tumble dryer in our kitchen so we prioritised a tumble dryer as a family of 4.

In terms of income we earn jointly just below 50K before tax, NI and pension contributions so whilst not rolling in it were definitely in the more well off portion of our county - but being in the region we are we have very high council tax rates and a high mortgage, though the mortgage is so we can clear it quicker.

When I said I'm a key worker I only mean in terms of pandemic workers, usually I'm in a job people generally turn their nose up and deem only suitable for those with no qualifications. But I cannot afford a cleaner on my wages and he certainly wouldn't budget for one as it's an unnecessary luxury.

I'm just so tired of being used as a housemaid and child carer (though he is a fabulous dad to the kids and worships the ground they walk on, he finds parenting much easier than I do to be honest).

I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who said he didn't want me to stay home and do bugger all - when you've got kids (though I agree you shouldn't give up work; you should save up and leave him. He sounds awful)

He's not a nice bloke at all OP. I suggest leaving, as even if he improved for a bit it's very likely he'd go back to all this behaviour.

You could, and will, do a lot better when it comes to men.

And living without him, you wouldn't have to put up with how he talks to you, hurts you etc.

The thing is to the outside he seems like a nice bloke, good job with a decent income, worships the ground our kids walk on, nice holidays, lovely home etc and for the most part he is a nice bloke.

But something is off. When he's nasty he is horrible. To me. He doesn't speak to anyone else with the tone he talks to me and seems to think I should be grateful for him providing for his family. Which I am grateful but not for the reasons he thinks I should be if that makes sense. And that because I don't work full time everything in the house is down to me