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Original poster

Husband cross about time spent with ex husband

55 replies

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 00:06

I divorced my DD's dad around 10 years ago now, he remarried and his wife was extremely abusive and destructive to DD's relationship with her dad (she was 9 when they met) and did all in her power to destroy it and succeeded quite well. They had 3 children together and have now split for what appears to be the final time just before lockdown. Mine and exh relationship had disintegrated to nothing also. Co-parenting was impossible without being accused of having an affair etc. Despite the face that 1/ I divorced him and 2/ I am remarried happily.

Anyway our DD is about to go to uni and recently we have been able to get along cordially. My DH is mostly ok with this, although he has been stepdad to DD for 6 years and hates the way she has been treated - he conceeds that she still wants a relationship with her dad and keeps out of it fairly well naturedly. DD is keen to rebuild with her dad and him with her. She asked me to take her to her dads holiday lodge today for a visit which I did with DH's knowledge and blessing. However, when we returned he kicked off, that he had been bored all day that he doesnt know anyone else who'd be OK with their wife spending an afternoon with their ex.

The fact is, exh soon to be exw was so vile to both me and DD and worked really hard to ruin DD's time with her dad, I do bend over backwards to facilitate it now. I still have 'familial' feelings for exh as the father of my only child but I'm in no way interested in him, I just want to raise our DD in peace.

I've apologised to DH for his upset but is there anything else I should do? Was I out of order?

OP posts:

MrsKeats · 17/08/2020 10:37

I also agree with the dropping off suggestion.
You've apologised so its lesson learnt.
I have a tricky ex and a dh who is a great stepdad so I know it can be difficult.

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 10:43

mrskeats thank you.

OP posts:

Raidblunner · 17/08/2020 11:58

Sounds to me like he'll just have to get over himself. Your daughters renewed relationship with her natural father is far more important than your current husbands ego. What's been and gone is exactly that, by enabling her to have a future relationship with her father is a positive move.
You have nothing to apologise for, he knew you were going but turned sour grapes on your return...dog in a manger behaviour

BluebellForest836 · 17/08/2020 12:16

Your daughters going to uni now so I presume she’s an adult. You could of dropped her off or your ex could of collected her. There was no need to all spend the afternoon together

ComplexPTSDmaybe · 17/08/2020 12:22

I think you need to tread carefully here as your DH is the one who has been there for you and your DD.

My DP kept going off for cosy afternoons with his long term ex at the start of our relationship. They didn't have DC but he was close to her son (can't really class him as a step son as there is only a year in age between them DP was 17 when he met ex and she had a 16 year old son).

I felt I had to keep quiet about it but eventually put my foot down as I was taking my DC's out on my own and he was basically having 'family weekend time' with someone else which I eventually realised was shit tbh. Teemed with the fact that his ex was sending messages saying 'I'd go as far as to say I still love you but I had to let you go' it damaged the trust hetween us. You sound very level headed and understand your DH pov. Just keep your lens on that.

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 12:25

Yes DD is 18.

complex agree with that, I do need to be more sensitive to some degree to his feelings. As I say though there's 0 attraction between me and exh and I've never been in touch to say I still love him etc. I care for his wellbeing out of love for DD but that's the extent. Sounds like your DP was doing it regularly which is definitely out of order and completely tone deaf to your ongoing feelings. Glad you put your foot down.

OP posts:

LilyWater · 17/08/2020 12:54

If she's old enough to be going to uni, why didn't she go on her own? Or better still, the dad himself pick her up or meet her where she is, if he's serious about having a relationship with her - after all he was the one who wrecked their relationship in the first place. That time in the car would have also given them extra time together.

If you had to take her you could have just stayed elsewhere e.g. park, shops nearby, in your car, reading a book etc. why did you yourself spend the afternoon with him? Or perhaps your DH could have travelled with you both then the two of you do your own thing while she spent time with her dad. It's great there's been forgiveness and moving past but the whole dynamic is just odd, seems like your exDH still has more hold over you than you admit too. Hopefully you're teaching your daughter about the need for boundaries and enforcing them, because if her own father treated her so badly in preceding years (btw you're putting way too much blame on his ex wife - at the end of the day it's his own child he chose to treat badly and not defend) then she's going to grow accustomed to letting men treat her badly. She's probably unconsciously mirroring your own behaviour.

It also sounds like your current DH basically parented her in those formative years (which is a thankless task as a step parent) so I can see why he's hurt - not because she's re-building a relationship with her biological dad but because both of you seem intent rewarding this man's bad behaviour by making things so easy for him. Let HIM make the effort to go out of his way and re-build the relationship. OP - has he actually sincerely apologised to his daughter for what he put her through?

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 13:06

His exw is an abuser who criminally damaged DD'S possessions when she was 10 years old and has a whole back story of abuse to DD, me, exh, exh parent her previous exhs and her own sister
etc. The blame is correctly attributed believe me. Its
not heresay.

DD has not passed driving test yet and no trains to get there as mentioned holiday cottage in rural ish location. We've established I should have just dropped her off. Exh has no hold on me, DD has every hold on me possible by way of love, I will love and support her.

Again, he is not blame free but the abuse cycle is powerful and he was separated off from his family members (Inc DD) by the pretty standard textbook abuser methods. I believe he has apologised but that's between them really.

Because of DD's experiences, her boundaries are cast iron. More so than mine at her age I would say. She actually is incredible and resilient. She'll do well 🙂

OP posts:

LilyWater · 17/08/2020 13:15

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m with the last two posters I’m afraid. It sounds highly possible that his comment about being bored is a stupid cover for his hurt at what probably feels like a big rejection of him and everything he’s done for you both while your ex gets away scott free after 9 years of shit or no parenting.

You don’t need to entertain your husband but you absolutely don’t need to be entertained by your ex in his flashy holiday lodge.

Your daughter is an adult, she’s off to live independently at uni and you’re using some of these last few weeks to feel familial feelings with her and your ex. Your husband has been a positive engaged dad to her for many years and is within his rights to feel very upset by your decisions.

I’m not sure why you’re placing all the blame for your ex’s awful parenting on his then wife. What a cop out. She might have been horrendous but he was your DD’s parent and he chose to give up on her and have a handful of new children while not bothering with her. Unless she somehow forced him to have 3 kids with her, unlikely, he carried on in a relationship with her, popping our babies, not caring about his oldest child and apparently happy for your DH to take his place and be the dad she needed and deserved. Now he’s interested again and you and DD go running and he takes no blame at all while you gather together for a cosy Sunday at his holiday pad. It’s really bizarre.

Exactly this. And unfortunately women who are attracted to these types of bad men who are horrible partners and fathers tend to also not appreciate good men or take them for granted since they don't have to run round them trying to get scraps of their attention and approval.

OP you should tread very carefully or in time you may lose your DH. It is rare to find a loving man who will also take on and parent a child who's not his. You're SO blessed to have him. Don't get consumed bending over backwards for a selfish ex who was only too happy to abandon his own child to please another woman.

LilyWater · 17/08/2020 13:26

@Gilda152

His exw is an abuser who criminally damaged DD'S possessions when she was 10 years old and has a whole back story of abuse to DD, me, exh, exh parent her previous exhs and her own sister etc. The blame is correctly attributed believe me. Its not heresay.

Because of DD's experiences, her boundaries are cast iron. More so than mine at her age I would say. She actually is incredible and resilient. She'll do well 🙂

Sorry to hear this OP, sounds like you and your daughter had a horrific time.

I get that your ex got involved with an apparently abusive woman who cut him off from his family, but to cut off from his own child is another kettle of fish entirely. If the roles were reversed would you ever do anything like that to your own daughter if your DP/DH behaved the same way? We have to hold men to the same standards as women.

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 13:31

I think he was put in a very serious position with concerns to the wellbeing of their own children if he didn't comply with the abuser. I can't say too much more as it is still ongoing legally. Abuse towards men is so well hidden particularly when they're tall, strong and financially successful. Nobody can believe it. But emotional fear and blackmail can fell anyone.

Anyway, my only concerns are for DD and her family ie exh and her half siblings. She is an only child on my side of the family so her half siblings are her only future family. It's important to support it getting back in track.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 13:35

Ps thanks for the 💐😊

OP posts:

Sakurami · 17/08/2020 13:40

Your DD is an adult. Let her have a relationship with her dad but it doesn't need to involve you. Why didn't he come and pick her up??

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 13:42

He was already in situ since Friday, he wanted DD to go with him then but she had plans. DD asked me to run her up on Sunday, so I did with DH's agreement.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2020 14:46

He agreed to you taking her, did her expect you to stay there having a cosy family afternoon with them?

user1493413286 · 17/08/2020 14:50

It’s not fair to say it’s ok then kick off afterwards. I think in the circumstances your DD needs to come first and as long as this isn’t forever your DH needs to suck it up

aSofaNearYou · 17/08/2020 14:58

Nothing gives bottled up feelings time to grow and fester more than being in your own company for the day while the thing that makes you uncomfortable is happening. He's an imperfect human being who probably just snapped, his feelings on the subject probably intensified over the course of the day.

Sakurami · 17/08/2020 15:02

I still dont understand why you ahd to drive her there. Her dad should have come and picked her up.

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 15:04

anne no cosiness occurring.

I think he assumed (as did I before setting off) that DD would be stopping there with her dad for the night so I would come straight back. However. Exh had removed DD's overnight stuff from the lodge in case his exw visited in the week and damaged her belongings. They both still have access to the property however on different days of the week by legal separation agreement. Therefore DD didn't want to stay overnight but wanted to stay for a bit, that's how it happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 15:05

sakurami agreed, in hindsight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gilda152 · 17/08/2020 15:07

asofa I think you're right.

OP posts:

Sakurami · 17/08/2020 15:19

Ok op. I would sit down and chat to your DH. Tell him that you've thought about it some more and that you will take a step back and let dd and her father organise their relationship.

My eldest is still a teenager and I have very little to do with his and his father's relationship.

BlingLoving · 17/08/2020 15:45

Unlike most posters, I honestly can't see the issue here. Of course, if it was every weekend or whatever, that would be an issue. But this is a once off and it's not like you ditched plans you had with your DH in order to do this. Overall, yes, DD is old enough to have her own relationship with her father and manage that independently, but I can't really see why this is such a big deal in this instance personally.

Molteni · 17/08/2020 15:49

I think your husband is over reacting, pathetic. Would possibly be a bit different if this was a recurring thing. Don’t see why you apologized. He should do the apologizing and probably learn to entertain himself.

None of his business really. He’s been stepdad for the whole 6 (!) years. Very gracious of him to ‘concede’.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/08/2020 16:23

Your husband is being needy and unread

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