Husband abusive and neglects our daughter?

[proudmomofone1]

I live with my husband and 3 year old daughter. After the born of our daughter my husband changed and started to be abusive emotionally and physically. First time he hit me when our daughter was about a year old. He threw phone in my face so my nose started bleeding. My daughter witnessed it. He says it was accident. Then after that it has happened several times, he has hit me with the shoe or anything he could get hold of on that moment of anger. Most of the times my daughter has witnessed it and it has been very distressing for her saying daddy hurt mummy. Once at night he tried to hit me but our daughter was sleeping in the bed between us and he accidentally hit her instead. Few months ago I came home from work early and he had left our daughter alone in the bath while he was in the kitchen listening music with headphones on. Also few times I come home from work in the evening he hasn’t asked our daughter is she needs potty all day so she has been holding it all day until I come home. He has many times making fun of my accent as I’m not English, and he mocks and repeats everything I say for hours in broken English. Even when I’m begging and crying for him to stop he doesn’t stop.

This week there has been 2 occasions when our daughter is saying that daddy hurt her. One time I came home from work and she said to me daddy tapped my bum. He admitted it but couldn’t give any reason why he did it. The other time I was at home in the other room she played and accidentally scratched him he got angry and pushed her. She was shaking and crying came running to me. I’ve been suffering for years but I can’t let him not control his anger and hurt our daughter. I’m very stressed and lost lot of weight I go to work every day only spend all day worrying at work if our daughter is ok. He says everything is my fault and I provoke him.

Where do I start and should I report him? I have no family in UK and don't have any help with childcare.

I know you are all right and saying right things. I will call sick tomorrow otherwise I would worry myself sick at work anyway. I just need to find a way to leave the house with her tomorrow so he won't get suspicious. It's all just a bit of a shock. I should have acted already long time ago when he first hit me.

OP you need to take notice of the good advice you are getting here. You need to leave, with your daughter, ASAP

Can you go to a neighbours or outside to call the police or someone to come round? You need someone else there whilst you and your daughter get the bits you need and leave. The sooner you can do it, the better.

I’m so sorry for you both.

Just seen someone else say to leave early in the morning before he wakes, that’s a great plan. If he wakes up and asks what is going on, can you say she was struggling to sleep so you’re taking her for some light exercise and fresh air to relax her? Please call or text someone to tell them though, have them outside, don’t do this alone.

Do you share a bedroom with him. If you dont want to call the police tonight you can sleep with dd. Does he go and have a shower, go out, go to bed at a different time to you. Try and get some papers together like some money, passport but dont worry too much because work will have all your details. I would pack a small bag and hide it where he wont look.

Google for your local women’s aid phone line OP, and look at Rights Of Women.

Do not let him know you are leaving. As others have said, it is very dangerous. Don’t doubt yourself or makes excuses. Take your daughter and go. Quite frankly, no one leaves a three year old in the bath and goes until another room listening to music on headphones, without knowing they could drown which he was clearly okay with her doing. He cannot he left alone with her.

Leave early as others have suggested. This is the best way. Or pretend your dd needs to go to the doctor or out of hours etc. You are a nurse. What plausible illness could she have tomorrow, which will need an appointment? You can just pretend to call the surgery and get a 10 am appointment for example - or actually call but not attend. Under the circumstances the surgery will not be angry. Then leave him and don’t look back.

If you have parents, strong male friends or family members, can they come to your aid? Maybe someone, who is pretending to need a bed for the night because they’ve had a fight with their partner etc. Anything to keep yourself safe.

Might be a bad idea but if op tells us her area maybe some of us could be there when she leaves the house to ensure she gets away to the police station safely?

Just an idea?

I wouldnt disclose where you live on social media. Update us if you can safely.

Sorry. Was just thinking out loud.

Please please take the advice you have had here seriously. Both you and your daughter are at risk. If you told the police they would treat it very seriously. Because it is serious.

Dear OP - great to see you have taken all the messages on board and are planning to leave tomorrow. If you can - try to leave before your partner is awake or while he’s in the shower. That way you don’t even need to think of an excuse. Otherwise, just say you’re popping to the shops and nip out with your DD and get to the nearest police station or if that is too far, just go to the nearest Boots or doctor’s surgery and you will get help.

Remember that domestic abuse is a crime so it is perfectly reasonable and appropriate to involve the police. They can escort you to your home to collect some things if you want to do that and they can help you get to safety.

It’s great that you’re earning and have your own money. Puts you in such a good position for getting away.

Keep posting here for support if it helps.

And remember - you owe this man nothing. It is absolutely vital you keep your escape plan secret. He is dangerous and will become more so if he knows you’re trying to get away. Get to safety first and the rest can follow.

Good to see you listening to the advice. Good luck OP

I couldn’t read and run, I’m sorry to hear of the situation you are in, like everyone else is saying get up ridiculously early and leave before he gets up this way he will have no idea, women’s aid will be able to help you, good luck ❤️

OP you can do this! You need to get out before he wakes if you can.
If you pack as much as you can now and hide it in her room..?
Have you got family nearby (preferably male?) who could come round unannounced now and just take you both away?
A friend?
Someone you work with?

Any chance you get, get up and leave with little one. Even if its whilst he is in the shower. Then get to a place of safety. Which could be the police station, a&e, your work. Nurses will always look out for our own.

That is just awful. I hope you get out quickly. Call 101 if he threatens you and 999 if you or your girl are in danger.

Just to mention it's very possible he's taught her to refer to being hit as being "tapped" so it sounds milder when she reports it but it might be a lot harder than a "tap"

Hey OP, well done for being brave and posting here, now you need to be brave for just a little longer.

This is all going to feel very overwhelming and extremely scary so I’m going to talk you through of a few things that may happen so you know what to expect.

Tonight is going to feel very long, very dark and very lonely and it’s quiet possible you are going to try and talk yourself out of leaving. You’ll tell yourself that it’s not that bad, or that it’s better if you plan more and leave at a later date, or make excuses up about money and housing. That’s the fear talking because it is that bad, you do need to leave and as soon as humanly possible. It doesn’t matter about documents, money and housing, all that matters is that you and your child are safe and right now neither of you are safe....leaving and getting you and your DD both safe is the ONLY priority right now. Documents/passports etc can be sorted later and housing and money can get sorted too, but none of that is worth having if you and your DD are not safe and well, ALIVE!

You may read all of what I have just written and wonder if you’ve perhaps exaggerated the situation and unwittingly made him look worse that he is. You may even be feeling guilty about what you’ve posted and feel that you made it more dramatic than it really is. Even if it’s only half as bad as what you have described it is still bad enough, and it is still dangerous, you should absolutely still leave.

When you wake in the morning, and that’s if you’ve managed to sleep at all your going to feel anxious and wonder if you really can go through with it, YOU CAN!! Trust me when I say that I know that to you this feels like jumping of a cliff, and taking the steps forward and making the jump feels incredibly scary, but what you will be jumping to is the safety net below. You can’t see it right now but that safety net is there and full of lots of help and support. Please please please push through the fear and anxiety and get you and your daughter to that safety net because you both deserve to live without fear and abuse and to be and feel SAFE.

You can do it OP, I believe in you and you are so much stronger than you know

You have to leave for the sake of your daughter. That she has witnessed any of this, even just once, is awful 😢. Please don't let it continue, get yourselves away. And absolutely report everything to the police!! You will find it easier in the long run if all incidents are logged with police.

Additionally. If you are in England, you would be able to present yourself as homeless to the local council, if you have nowhere to go. They have to provide emergency accommodation to you and your child because you have been victim of DV. They have duty of care to you in this situation. It's better if you have a crime reference number - but you will be helped even without one.

You take your daughter into work with you tomorrow and you call the police / women’s aid and you do not go back to that man. Please please don’t go back, he is abusing you and your 3yr old daughter - she is not safe in his care and neither are you.

Be brave and do it for yours and your daughters future

don't hang about in the morning, just quick loo, no washing, put on any old clothes, for you and child, and make good your escape.
the details or being nicely turned out do not matter.
just get out.