Can this ever work? I feel like a shit but I don’t love her

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In less than a year I have dated someone, broke up with them, four months later found they are pregnant and now living with them and baby. We wanted to try and make it work for the baby. I am not religious but come from a family where everyone was married and settled. I dunno I felt like it was the best thing to do to at least try. Weve been living together a few weeks and it is great seeing my son every day. I am not sure my feelings towards her are changing. She is outgoing and bubbly and we do get on just fine but I wouldn’t be with her unless this had happened.

We’ve talked about this openly and when she agreed to move in with me we knew it was to see how it goes. The thing is she seems fine and hopeful that things will just become how they should. I’m less hopeful but if I ended it I would go from seeing my son everyday to seeing him maybe once a week or fortnight (she tells me she would move in with her mum in this situation, who lives 400 miles away).

So here we are and I’m going with it but it all feels like a whirlwind. I’m also noticing more the age difference ...not a big one at all but she’s 38, I’m 32 and I sense she just feels happy with this now and while she isn’t madly in love either, she doesn’t care so much.

I still can’t believe it has all happened and just worry about the future if it has to be untangled. I’ve talked about this with her but as the weeks go by she just seems to continue this idea that we will be a happy family. I really want to be and I am trying my best but the truth is I am with her because this happened. And actually, she is with me because it happened because after I broke up with her 3 months in, I barely heard from her at all until she told me about this.

I’m confused and feel like a shithead for even being confused. Any advice?

Maybe the best thing to do is if she moves away, that you move too. So you can still see your child but dont have to be in a relationship with her.

Grow some balls, tell her you don't love her and never will, but that you would really like to co parent as friends.
Never, ever, lead someone on and waste their life

I haven’t led her on we have talked endlessly about this before she made the decision to move. We both agreed to give it a go and I wanted that as well. I love being there everyday and doing my share of everything. But can you force feelings to develop? Will they come? I can’t see her wanting to change things as she seems content with how things are. She didn’t choose me either though, after we broke up after three months, that was that.

Guess it depends on what you want? Do you want someone you’re madly in love with? What exactly did you decide to give a go? A co-parenting live in situation or the idea you might both somehow fall head over heels with each other?

You'll never get a great response on here as a dad OP.

But, the relationship isn't fair on anyone if neither of you are truly happy. Plus, the example you're setting your child for a mediocre relationship where neither of you really care.

Sharing 50/50 custody would work before the baby starts school, but what happens after that if you're 400 miles away?

She's nearly 40 why does she have to live with her mum?

If you're open, and have a decent enough relationship as friends then it's something you can discuss amicably, separating, sharing custody etc. You both deserve to have happiness long term.

And how old exactly is the baby? With your timeline can’t be more than three months old tops surely?

Isn't the partner 28?

I am usually really strong about if it isn't working then split up. It sounds like your child is still very young and she is still recovering from pregnancy. I would seriously give it 9 months and see how you feel then...for the sake of your child and you being a realistic part of their life.

If you feel the same then, at least you know for sure it won't change and it sounds like your DP is aware of how you felt?

No partner is 38. Baby is a few weeks old. Think it’s right to give it longer. With my work it would be almost impossible to move to where she is from. There’s no way she would stay here without us living together which is understandable. So if I end it, it causes massive problems.

I’m happy with a mediocre thing. I guess it is a bit draining maybe? I don’t feel fully myself around her, we are quite different people. Neither of us bad people but just different, i think! I so want to feel how I should.

Thing is, the only thing you really have in common is the baby at the moment.

Try doing things together (difficult right now Covid etc) but find some common ground and make some opportunities for fun/excitement.

At least if you've given it a proper go and you do end up walking away you know you've got no regrets and tried all you could.

Thanks, guess that’s all we can do. It feels like a whirlwind and haven’t had chance to even get my head around it all properly.

Give it at least a year. Most marriages fail when you have a baby the sleepness nights etc -so give this a chance.

At this point I think you have a few good things going for you in your relationship.
You seem to be happy in the day to day with a new baby which many couples struggle with. You seem to communicate in an honest way which is also really tricky in most relationships. The thing you are missing is head over heels passion which can be the best feeling but usually you get the massive highs and the massive lows with that which can cause instability and possessiveness. It also feels like this is a recent societal requirement. There are many instances where people are put together for other reasons and respect, trust and love develops from there.
It is up to you how you feel and whether you are getting enough out of the relationship but maybe some more time would help for clarity.

This really isn’t a good situation. Why can’t you live separately and co-parent? You’re being a bit weird about it all. This isn’t normal. You should never have asked somebody you don’t know to move in with you

It's completely understandable that you feel confused and like it's been a whirlwind -- because it has. You've basically jumped to the settled part of a relationship without all the in between, the part that's fun and romantic. I can imagine it would be very disconcerting to skip all that and go straight to living together with a baby, and I feel for you.

That said, if you'd like to give this a proper go then I wouldn't worry about feeling confused and not yourself around her. Those are both very normal feelings in the circumstances. They'll also both pass and you get to know each other better.

For better or worse, all relationships settle in and get a bit boring (for lack of a better word) after a while. The intense feeling of being in love always passes. This means if you guys get on well, and are attracted to each other at a basic level, you have the main ingredients for a good relationship. It may take time, especially with a new baby, which is a difficult time for even the strongest relationships. But since you sound like you want to try anyway, do give it time, and be patient with yourself -- you may never fall "in love" with her, but that doesn't mean you can't have a perfectly decent relationship.

If I’m never in love with her though..it feels wrong?

Bit harsh of a poster above, it’s happened so fast we tried to do what was best. I don’t regret trying but it is difficult because I made the decision with my head only and for my son.

Having had 3 kids, my guess is that it takes way too much brain space right now for her to think seriously about the future with you. She's obsessed with your new baby, knackered, emotional and trying to work life out. It's probably less that she is happy to have a less than satisfactory romantic relationship, and more that right now she just doesn't care about that. Just chill, she's not that into you either, but the fact you get on so well with such a young baby together is better than most married couples at this point. See it as a fantastic opportunity to build a friendship with her and a bond with your baby, enjoy it and take it for what it is. Yes, she may decide to move away if you don't stay together but give it as long as you can, not to try to make a relationship work (if that happens, it happens, you can't force it) but to enjoy this time with your new baby and getting to know each other as parents. You may decide to live together as friends and parents.
The best parents I know are best mates and adopted a baby together as they knew they would co-parent well, it removes a whole complex dynamic from the family.
Congratulations on your baby and for trying so hard to work out what's best for you all!

It’s a difficult situation.

You’ve just had a child so neither of you will be wanting to go out and date even if you did split up, as you will be prioritising any spare time you have for the baby. So if you stay a bit longer in the hope that a relationship may blossom it’s not going to do any harm. You’ve told her how you feel. It’s worth a shot?

I think her body will take time to recover and her hormones will be a bit mental just now. I can’t blame her for hoping for a happy family unit, most people would.

babies can be absolutely exhausting. I’d put the baby’s needs first. So if she would get more support and help from you then stay together just now. If she would get more help from her mum (say because the mum doesn’t work and is therefore around a lot more) perhaps she’d be better going there to stay? But only if there would be a vast difference in support as she wants to try and be a family.

You’re not a shithead for being confused . You’re not being strange , or weird , or selfish .
You have found yourself in the unenviable position of finding out someone who you had finished a relationship with , was having your child .
You asked her to move in with you in the vain hope that feelings between you would grow and maybe you could become a family unit .
If you don’t feel that love that usually exists between a couple , I think you need to sit down and work out how you all move forward . To spend your life with someone you don’t love seems a sad and lonely life . Neither of you deserve that .
If she wants to go back to live with her mum ( though at 38 would she not rather get her own place ?), is there any way you could move closer to her do you can still co parent effectively together .
It’s not a great situation , but if you want to be a part of your child’s life , and it really seems you do , you may have to make that move .
Good luck with it all

This forum is full of women staying with their husbands because they don't want to split custody of their children. So what you're feeling isn't unusual and I think it's more common than you'd think to stay together with someone because you want a family unit. I wouldn't want to be 400 miles away from my kids, so I do understand why you're reluctant to end the 'relationship'.

Don't make any rash decisions yet. The baby is still young, and things could change.

I’d just like to point out that this is the same pathway most arranged marriages work...even these days, with the full consent of both parties.

If there is mutual respect and good values then love can follow. Not the heady, falling for someone, kind of love but a deep real love. And this is how many people are cleft there marriages to be.

In a nutshell - give it a year.

To be blunt, you are still young - you have a long time ahead of you to meet and have children with someone else if it doesn't work out (not as in, give up on this child and move on or anything like that - just to say, this need not be IT and you have time to give this more space to develop and still not close off other avenues).

It doesn't sound as if your relationship will go the distance, but the priority right now is your son. Ultimately, if you split, no matter what happens - if you've got to know one another and built a shared parenting bond over the first few years, it will stand you in good stead I hope, for the years you have ahead raising your son. So do that now, focus on him, focus on being the best dad you can be, and no matter what happens that will pay dividends.

Things change. You may grow together and it DOES work out.

She may decide after a year or two that she has roots where you are now - and that she'd rather stay local to you (as her son's dad, friend and supporter) than her mum, even if you split.

Jobs and careers change - that goes for both of you.

You're right to have doubts, but I'd say that right now you really can't see into the future so I'd put it aside, and put all your energies into the things that will pay off in the future no matter what situations arise.

Longterm this won't work.You'll end up cheating on her or something and it'll get messy. Better to split up and work on amicable co-parenting rather than have to do that after a fall-out.

Could you move within range of where she would likely move back to, if you split up?

You may as well try this for a year so that you can both spend time with your child. Then see how you feel and she'll either stay or you can look into moving job and house to be closer to her. I think finding a new job and moving is better than staying in a loveless relationship for the rest of your life!!

It’s so hard as I don’t want a broken family or a son who doesn’t see his dad every day. She 100% would move if I ended things. She knows nobody here and even if she made friends a lot in the next year, she would obviously want to be back with her family over that option.

I would go ahead and separate, get court ordered maintenance (and DNA testing to confirm) and move on.

(In my case, baby daddy also terminated his parental rights.)