Can this ever work? I feel like a shit but I don’t love her

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In less than a year I have dated someone, broke up with them, four months later found they are pregnant and now living with them and baby. We wanted to try and make it work for the baby. I am not religious but come from a family where everyone was married and settled. I dunno I felt like it was the best thing to do to at least try. Weve been living together a few weeks and it is great seeing my son every day. I am not sure my feelings towards her are changing. She is outgoing and bubbly and we do get on just fine but I wouldn’t be with her unless this had happened.

We’ve talked about this openly and when she agreed to move in with me we knew it was to see how it goes. The thing is she seems fine and hopeful that things will just become how they should. I’m less hopeful but if I ended it I would go from seeing my son everyday to seeing him maybe once a week or fortnight (she tells me she would move in with her mum in this situation, who lives 400 miles away).

So here we are and I’m going with it but it all feels like a whirlwind. I’m also noticing more the age difference ...not a big one at all but she’s 38, I’m 32 and I sense she just feels happy with this now and while she isn’t madly in love either, she doesn’t care so much.

I still can’t believe it has all happened and just worry about the future if it has to be untangled. I’ve talked about this with her but as the weeks go by she just seems to continue this idea that we will be a happy family. I really want to be and I am trying my best but the truth is I am with her because this happened. And actually, she is with me because it happened because after I broke up with her 3 months in, I barely heard from her at all until she told me about this.

I’m confused and feel like a shithead for even being confused. Any advice?

Nothing to stop you moving nearer her if she were to leave the area.

Are you the sperm donor? If so you'll do what you want to be near your child - or not.

Poor woman obviously knows the situation and her choices. I would give her a medal for putting up with your indecision so far. It won't last!

Maybe stop stressing about the situation for the time being and just enjoy being parents for now? Young babies are lots of work and I'm sure it's best that you are there at the moment. The main thing is you've been honest with baby's mum. Who knows what the future will bring....none of us do. Be kind to each other whatever happens, that's the main thing.

I'm sure I've read this thread before, but from the pov of the woman who was undecided about moving in with the baby's father.

Of you're being honest with each other rather than blowing hot and cold then you're not being a shithead, you're giving it a go.

Bit personal but what are your sleeping arrangements? Can I suggest that if youre both unsure about the relationship between you and you're sharing a bed, this might be making matters more awkward as you're spending every night with someone you don't even really fancy at the moment. That would make me close off more, personally.

That's not to say you couldn't build a good relationship based in friendship, mutual respect and caring but I would try to dial back the physical closeness. If you have the space at all to have separate rooms, this might be worth a try? Obviously you would need to broach it diplomatically from the angle of taking the new relationship slowly, rather than implying that you want to live as a a single man.

“I'm sure I've read this thread before, but from the pov of the woman who was undecided about moving in with the baby's father. confused”

Me, too. That seems to have happened a few times recently.

Very familiar scenario. Whatever.....

Possibly unpopular opinion here but I believe that love is (at least partly) a choice. You meet someone where there is attraction, you have things in common, shared values, can see a shared future and you choose to let love grow. You can also choose not to nurture love and it can die. I'm not sure that 'falling madly in love' is always a recipe for success - often that's more lust/infatuation than love. It can become love but so can relationships that don't start out that way.

You have a basis for a decent relationship here, if you both choose to put the effort in. So I would give it a bit longer, to see if the love grows, given time. But do be honest with her, don't assume she knows how you see things, make it very clear.

You do not have to see you son every day to be a good father to him and to be in his life at all times.

I am wondering when the second child will come along if you stay.

I thought the advice given to women who plan on moving far away from the father is that it’s not allowed.

Don't do it, I married my first husband because I was pregnant and he wanted to marry me. I didn't love him and we managed 8 years before divorcing extremely acrimoniously and I actually hated him from about a year in.
He was angry because he felt I had led him to believe I loved him by marrying him which is true. We might have remained friends had we not married but here 36 years later we haven't spoken to each other in around 25 years even though we have a DS together because the marriage was so bad.
I suggest giving this up now and remain friendsly for your son or this will not end well.

Offer to be friends & co-parents.
If you have 2 bed rooms, 1 moves to the spare room. Stop / dont sleep together.

You'll keep the roof over her head and support her with the baby, be friends, go to appointments, and do your share of care.
Put the attempt at a relationdship to 1 side and make it clear to her you arent together.

Dont leave the waters muddy. If you hurt her she will bolt at the first opportunity and youll look like a bad guy.

Speak to her mum, if you can, about how you can support her daughter better given you arent together as a couple etc, get your side of the story in first before this implodes.

It's not fair on either of you to be in a relationship which is not fulfilling and you're not in love. You'll just end up resentful of her and your child.