Hi everyone. I need some advice and I don't want it sugar coated, so I to turn to you lot to give me perspective. This is going to be long! Thanks to anyone who gets to the end!
Married for 11 years, together 14. When we first got together he showered me with love, praise and presents and one day it all just stopped. From that moment onward I didn't receive a Birthday/Xmas or other present from him.
He had an emotional affair whilst we were engaged and against my better judgment we married, I just didn't want to let my parents down who had paid a lot of money. Since, he has 'borrowed' a lot of money without my knowledge and not apologised or paid it back. Lies repeatedly about tiny things that make no sense and is believed by others to be a wonderful guy.
He retrained several years ago into a stressful job and has had several emotional or at least inappropriate relationships, msgs etc with women he works with (who knows he's married). He is aware they are wrong because he deletes them from his phone after every exchange, however he seems to forget to delete them from our joint tablet
The worst msgs were to a female colleague who made it clear they were not interested. He told her that were in a marriage of sorts and only here for the kids. The usual script. She makes his world light up and he's just so grateful he met her etc etc! He continued to msg her until she blocked him. The msgs he sent were awful and I knew nothing of these feelings. He admitted he believed he was in love with her, despite the fact he met her only 3 times, she wasn't interested and let's just move on!
After seeing these msgs I asked to see his phone. On other msging accounts he had conversations with colleagues about his feelings for this female colleague and his feelings regarding our marriage. Again I knew nothing about these feelings.
Long and short, he begged forgiveness etc and I allowed him to stay for the sake of the kids (2 disabled children) as long as he got counselling and arranged couples counselling for us. He did counselling himself but didn't arrange counselling for us.
Since then, which was 8 months ago, I've found msgs from two other female colleagues and to a male colleague laughing about how popular he is! In msgs to one, he is talking about taking drugs and having sex with them. In discussion with his male colleague who has also slept with her, he asked if she is likely to be discrete and understand it could only be a one time thing, because then it would be something he would have to think about!
I again told him that he has 6 months to arrange counselling for us and to again go back to counselling himself. If this isn't in place by then I'm divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour. He hasn't done this yet. I know he won't bother, he's relying on me to be the bad guy, as per usual.
During this time he has continued to profess his love for me and doesn't want to leave. But actions speak louder than words in my opinion.
I believe and have told him so, that he is here because he cannot afford to leave (have his own place and afford maintenance etc) and he's holding me hostage because of it. If this other work colleague had been interested he would have left without a second thought. I firmly believe that.
Also, he plays a violent game on the pc when our young children are awake. I don't believe it's appropriate. I do fully appreciate it is the way he relaxes when feeling stressed, but made it clear it is not to be played while they are awake and can walk in on him playing it. He agreed to this, but continues to do so. Twice today he has had to be reminded to wait till they are in bed. I have suggested he finds another hobby, even one outside the home he can go to whenever he wished too, to destress. I'm not in any way saying no to hobbies and feel like he does it to deliberately piss me off, regardless of how inappropriate it is for the kids.
He has 3 months left to organise counselling as per our agreement, I know he won't, yet will cry and beg for me to give him another chance - again.
He has a stressful job where he sees some upsetting situations and says all this behaviour is down to depression, and thinks he's had a breakdown.
I don't deny he struggles and have valid reasons too, but don't believe I should have to accept such shit behaviour. I also feel that he should look to moving into another area of work if he cannot cope with the demands of his current job, but he won't.
So ladies, what advice do you have for me?