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Original poster

Hearts sunk

36 replies

Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 17:44

Hello everyone,
I feel so lame writing this, but has anyone seen a picture of their ex and their new partner and your heart just sunk?
I feel so low right now

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CityCommuter · 15/08/2020 17:49

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 18:10

Amicable. We were engaged, had a house and then after 5 years it just wasn’t Working. Since we split hes been a tough one. Told me he’s single and can’t get over it (but had come back from being on holiday with this girl the day before, not that I knew at the time). He got with her 4 weeks after we split up. He told me when we last spoke that I needed to leave a door open for a friendship in the future and the reason why at that point (4 months ago) nothing was anywhere, is so he didn’t upset me. I just feel so upset, he looks so happy and her too

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CityCommuter · 15/08/2020 18:29

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picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2020 18:29

You don't know anything about what is going on. It could be serious, it could be rebound, it could be a fling.

And whatever it is, it's not relevant. You need to rebuild a new life, a new future focussed on you and what you want. His new life is irrelevant.

I know it's tough, but you need to look elsewhere.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 18:31

He’s said since the day I met him that he never goes back on relationships. It’s hard as I’ve asked him for a long time about her. We broke up 10 months ago so it’s a fair while, but he met her so soon. It’s been on me to keep a door open etc. But I know she’s not met his family etc which shows how serious it is. I think it’s hit me more as that’s in our old home @Seychelles98

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CityCommuter · 15/08/2020 18:36

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 19:34

A part of me always will. He’s just fed me with so much stuff and then how he’ll never delete any pictures as they made him so happy, how anyone will have to accept me being part of his life..and then today he deletes all pictures and puts one up of them on his profile picture, I just feel gutted like I was a nobody

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 19:34

@Seychelles98

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 19:38

@picklemewalnuts

You don't know anything about what is going on. It could be serious, it could be rebound, it could be a fling.

And whatever it is, it's not relevant. You need to rebuild a new life, a new future focussed on you and what you want. His new life is irrelevant.

I know it's tough, but you need to look elsewhere.

Thank you. It just makes me so upset if she’s meeting his family etc and all trace of me is going. I can see why from her perspective, just makes me sad
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CityCommuter · 15/08/2020 22:27

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CityCommuter · 15/08/2020 22:29

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 22:32

@Seychelles98 I couldn’t. For the reason that he’s been really unfair. I’ve asked him about this girl for a long time as far back as Feb and he’d ignore or ghost. It took 10 months for her to be put out there. I am so upset after 5 years a house and engagement

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 22:32

I’m really struggling with how happy he is in his picture with her

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IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/08/2020 22:32

He's being a shit by asking you to 'keep a door open' Hmm while he's clearly moved on. Sounds like it's good for his ego to have you just on the hook enough.

Quietly block him and move along to the next part of your life.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 22:38

Thank you @IncludeWomenInTheSequel yes I agree. He said I was the happiest years of his life when we last spoke...then he removed all those pictures today - and changed his profile picture to them. They’ve been together 10 months, egypt on holiday etc but nothing until now. That’s the tough one as it’s why now. She lives and works in Dubai and him London.

He told me I needed to leave a door open and we should be able to meet etc for coffee on weekends

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IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/08/2020 22:50

Doesn't sound like that would work for you. He doesn't get to tell you what you 'need' to do! Don't stroke his ego any more; he's not stupid, he knows you're seeing what he's doing.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 22:53

Yeah. I feel so pathetic that this has had me just crying today. It’s very strange after 5 years seeing someone else in my old home, and him looking so happy @IncludeWomenInTheSequel

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Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 22:56

It’s why I wasn’t enough and now I have to see him so happy, with someone who teaches in another country

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IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 15/08/2020 22:57

It's not pathetic at all. You were together for a long time. But he's moved on and you are also allowed to do that; don't let him keep pulling you backwards. It's your life and when you look back he'll be a very small part of it; just the prologue to something better.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 23:02

Thank you @IncludeWomenInTheSequel that’s so true. I knew it would hurt when I saw it. I really hope it works out for him. But if not, I hope he looks back and knows he was an idiot

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takenbywine · 15/08/2020 23:09

I had that moment with a ex last year. The ex dumped me by text as he said he didn't want to continue and wanted to focus on his business and had no time for relationships. Fast forward 5 years, I saw he got engaged to a beautiful glamorous woman and she is a fancy dentist and has her own studio, while I was at home taking care of a newborn and not working. I saw this picture when my boobs were leaking, I had baby sick down my T-shirt, had pregnancy weight on, sunken eyes from not sleeping and felt really low and it hit my self esteem and it didn't do me good with my post natal hormones. My heart sunk when I saw their engagement photos that looked perfect. I was very hurt the way that my ex ended the relationship but I secretly did want karma to punch him as it was a coward way out and he didn't deserve to be with her. I thought I was over him years ago until I saw those photos. Don't get me wrong I am happily married and love my husband but did want to hear a karma story instead of him getting married to some glamorous dentist. Just last week through a mutual friend I found out that he was dumped by her for the same reason as she wanted to concentrate on her business. I moved on, married and had a child and my heart did sink when I saw the photo I admit but deep down I knew my DH was the one and my ex never could be 1/4 of the man my DH is and I'm a lucky woman! You will get used to the idea and as time goes on you will accept this and it will be normal to you.

powershowerforanhour · 15/08/2020 23:10

told me I needed to leave a door open and we should be able to meet etc for coffee on weekends

W.T.A.F.
Yes I have hankered after exes in secret from afar twice (for a ridiculously long time in one case- for years after he got married- he wasn't even an ex just a friend I kissed a few times who then went abroad and came home with a fiancee). But nobody ever knew apart from one trusted female friend who didn't know either of them. They didn't know either and there is know way in hell they would have tried to keep me as backup- such a thing in itself proves that he is a shit because it's a shitty thing to do to both you and his new GF.

If they had said this I would have been over them much faster. As it was, I just felt a bit stricken and sad for what might have been any time I indulged in self torture by looking at their happy FB photos (both got married to their next GFs...the engagement announcement on FB is a bit of a door slammer and does require a stiff gin in private after adding your FB congratulations to everyone's else's delight...and both still living happily ever after).
It gets better in the end. After a long while I could look at the photos and feel nothing. I met the first guy a couple of years ago briefly at a function and talked pleasantries for a bit, and I see the second at social gatherings of a friendship group about twice a year and my family have stayed with his family. I'm at a point where I genuinely just feel a mild fondness that you would feel for anyone you are reasonably good friends with. I don't fancy either of them any more (oh the hours I spent fantasizing and obsessing....) and am glad that they are happy.

Original poster
Lacey2019 · 15/08/2020 23:19

@takenbywine @powershowerforanhour
Thank you xoxo they’ve been really comforting to read

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powershowerforanhour · 15/08/2020 23:29

Actually just to clarify the "door open" comment.
Did it mean:
a) you should keep yourself available indefinitely as his fallback plan if he and current GF split up; possibly to act as filler between her and the next new relationship after that if necessary; +/- acting as a secret bit on the side fuck buddy
b) you should happily instantly accept being "just friends" who meet first coffee to talk about sport and their parents' hedge dispute with the neighbours and whatever; platonic
c) situation presented to you as b) but is actually a) in disguise

Responses:
a) Fuck off out of my life
b) I need some more time to get to that point. No coffee meetups. I need head space.
c) (when it becomes apparent) You're a weasel. Fuck off out of my life.

For me with ex #1 it was b). He dumped me saying he hoped we could still be friends....then rang a couple of days later blithely chatting about the weather, a music gig he'd seen, a day out hiking he was planning with his 5 a side mates, asking after my mum's sore foot...I had to interrupt and tell him I wasn't quite ready to be great pals yet, said goodbye, put the phone down and cried for an hour.

ChickensMightFly · 15/08/2020 23:41

From her point of view, she has a lovely new boyfriend who seems to make her happy (judging by the photos) and with whom she is in a long distance relationship... Meanwhile this great new guy she has met is encouraging his ex to keep him in mind and trying to keep a toe in the water there (hedging his bets perhaps) ... Well I don't envy her that catch!
Of course your feelings are wounded by the sights of the photo... But if I was you I wouldn't be envying her, sounds like you had a lucky escape, where's his integrity?
Block him on everything, this is definitely a situation where ignorance is bliss.