I am married to such an idiot

[Yogatomorrow]

Sorry but this is going to a self-pitying rant. I am married to a man who thinks that he is hilarious and that I have a sense of humour by pass. Because everyone else bar me thinks that he is really funny. I am just a bossy cow who ruins his fun.

Today:
He bought himself a mask that says "fuck covid". He will only wear it while shopping with me and DS (7). In my opinion, it is totally inappropriate to wear it infront of a child. Also I am a teacher, imagine if my students or SLT were to see me with him wearing it. He has agreed not to wear it (or more accurately he says he will throw it away because he is "not allowed to wear it" (!)).

We spotted a very expensive car with a really tacky personalised number plate. So DH makes the joke to DD that he wanted the driver to open the window so that he could spit at them. (He wouldn't - but in his world it is still very funny to joke about it). In front of my sister as well.

Family zoom meeting. He doesn't join in, but sits on other side of the computer. For some reason the conversation turns to cows. So he pipes up "talking about mad cows - how is your mother?"

Again in the family zoom meeting, the conversation was on something mundane. So again he pipes up "this is a bloody boring conversation" Again a joke - apparently. These are the only two comments he made - not even "hello" or "good bye".

I have stopped drinking alcohol as I have been struggling with my mental health and drinking for a bit. I managed 7 days today - proud of myself. I mentioned that I was thinking of going to church tomorrow. He returns around and tells/orders me "don't go to church - go have a drink instead". Yet another "joke".

All in one day.

I am embarrassed by him. He actually can actually be witty, entertaining and charismatic but he has no filter or sense of appropriateness. And his comments can be nasty on occasion.

He has little empathy when it comes to his sense of humour. He also justifies everything as being a joke. I hate the position it puts me in of having to choose to let it pass or bring him up on it. He will never accept that his funny comments aren't funny and turns it on me. Leading to unpleasantness in front of our child and family.

We just don't have the same values. I makes me so sad.

Sometimes people make jokes like this in order to attract attention, I wonder if you completely ignored him he may stop doing it?

His actions are not consistent with someone who is meant to love you and be your no 1 supporter - think about that. I really think you need to make a plan for how you want to future to look.

He's an immature and emotionally stunted baboon

Please don't take this the wrong way but does he have a diagnosis of, or any other, ADHD traits?

This is a death by a thousand papercuts relationship. It will wear you down eventually.

My vagina sealed itself shut by about paragraph three of your OP, he sounds vile.

Even the worst people can have positive attributes. Even the worst people can be nice sometimes. But fundamentally, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being with someone who is this embarrassingly inappropriate?

His positive attributes don't outweigh his negative ones, surely?

Also while I understand what you're saying about worrying about his individual influence on your child if you split, it would mean that 50% of the time (and let's be honest, lots more than that if he works chef hours) you would be a positive influence on your son and manage what he is exposed to. At the moment you're just spending 100% of your time firefighting his dads bullshit without being able to outright say it's totally unacceptable because you staying implies to a child that it is acceptable at least to a degree.

@floweringstar I have ADHD and I like to think I'm not like this, at least most of the time. This behaviour is a choice and even if people aren't neurotypical, the older we get the more we get a sense of what's acceptable behaviour and what isn't. We might cock up sometimes, but it isn't constant.

You don't reach your 30s or whatever, even if you have ADHD, without knowing you don't go round the supermarket with something like FUCK emblazened on it, especially if you have kids.

If his ADHD is that bad then he would've been in and out of jail his whole life or something. The fact he isn't in prison right now shows he can to some extent control his behaviour.

*wearing something with

OP I see myself as always being open to humour and having a good sense of it but he does sounds tough to take. The thing is, whether he is or not, he should be with someone who finds him funny, in the same way you should be with someone who gives you a hug when you say about being off drink. It doesn't sounds like you like or love him, but only you know this for sure: it's easy to say things annoy you and rant, but does everything else irritate you. Does he have loads of teeny tiny good points that you just can't think of? Best of luck OP dn don't read everything into an mn post, this is online and things aren't that simple in real life.

@SoulofanAggron the reason I asked was because my husband has ADHD and the sense of humour resonated as well as the lack of filter when making comments.

I am absolutely not condoning the wearing of the mask with Fuck written on it as it's completely inappropriate. What I wondered was that if he perhaps purchased it thinking it was funny but hasn't considered the impact/repercussions of this until pointed out.

As you'll know, ADHD isn't a one size fits all diagnosis and even with that there is a lot support required to enable some people to function in a neurotypical society. I wouldn't want someone's relationship to struggle or fail when it could be a missing diagnosis. It's tough.

I did not mean to cause offence and apologise if that's how it came across.

My DH was like this. Said to my DD 5 that Santa isn't coming this year because he has died. I was so angry I can't even tell you. He said "oh come on it was only a joke" yeah hilarious. Can you see everybody laughing. Always the joker....forever the bloody joke!

I’ve got to be honest. I thought the mad cow joke was hilarious and some of the other jokes too. I know that doesn’t help you but have you thought that maybe he’s missing his true calling? He is actually really funny if you like that kind of sarcastic humour. He could probably write for one of the comedians like Peter Kaye etc...maybe he should go do a comedy writing course? If you’ve got to live with it at least make a tonne of money out of it?

Oh come off it, none of that is material worthy of an actual comedian.

He sounds very childish, I would not be able to tolerate it. X

OP, ExP was exactly like this. Just so immature & unfunny - but he thought he was genuinely hilarious. The number of times I sat through him telling jokes like he was a character in The Inbetweeners and making silent eye contact with everyone else who felt embarrassed on my behalf... He had so many good qualities, but was completely unable to realise that he came across an insufferable attention seeking twat.

I fell out of love with him quite easily.

OP he’s devoid of empathy and uses ‘humour’ as a way of giving release to his aggression. He undermined things that are important to you (not drinking, church) and lied that it was just a joke (it wasn’t - it was an attack). The ‘jokes’ about your family zoom meeting were also direct attacks - he wanted to let everyone know how boring he found them.

He sounds hateful. Your MH issues will surely be further compounded by this dickhead the longer you stay with him.

Don’t let it/him rule your life and limit your happiness

I did not mean to cause offence and apologise if that's how it came across.

@floweringstar Not at all. I get what you mean.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the world is to an extent divided into 2 types of people, or a spectrum between:-

1. 'I'm a bit crap at (insert X quality here- social interaction, impulse control, whatever) I should try and improve.'

2. 'Nuffin wrong with me, it's everyone else that's wrong,' or 'they should accept me no matter what I do.'

If someone is at the far end of (2) like OP's husband, they're bloody annoying, and it's hard to get them to change.

For everyone saying his 'mad cows' quip was worthy of a professional comedian BTW, I would like to point out that it's not very original of course. You can even get a T-shirt if you're that enamoured by it www.zazzle.co.uk/dont_worry_bout_mad_cow_disease_my_mother_in_la_t_shirt-235591207295006593

OMG this is my husband!! He'll say things like "how's ur fat friend?" and when told l was pregnant with our first child (planned and instigated by him) he said "how did that happen? who's is it?" like u say a "joke" but not in the least bit funny! One of the many reasons l told him 10 days ago l want to separate! It drives me crazy and is not funny so please know l understand how u feel xx

I have stopped drinking alcohol as I have been struggling with my mental health and drinking for a bit.

I'm not surprised.

Does the 10% overwhelm the rest? Is it worth the upheaval of leaving? Is it worth the emotional labour of lecturing, smoothing over and coping of staying?

Only you can answer that, but for me personally I couldn't stay with someone so self-centred and unkind, and make no mistake, it's unkind. As PPs said, I'd also worry about the effects on the kids.

I honestly thought your DH was one of my DH's friends. He too is married to a teacher (but isn't a chef so can't be him). Very similar behaviour though.
Some of his more memorable comments:

"Maybe it's a plot to get rid of it", when he asked me if I was pregnant yet (!) in front of a room full of people when we were newly married, and I tried to laugh it off by saying "erm, well I'm drinking wine so no". Unbeknown to him we were TTC and I was really anxious about my fertility.

"Are you carrying a baby elephant??" When I was heavily pregnant.

Constant questions like "why are you so grumpy today" when I can't be bothered to do more than smile weakly at his "hilarious" jokes.

And general dickishness like being over familiar and shortening my name to a ridiculous nickname, even though he only knows me superficially through my DH.

It's got to the point where I dread meeting up with this family. His wife is quite a serious, sensible person so no idea how she puts up with it. It could be that this is why you don't have many friends, maybe he's put them off meeting up with you. But if you married him and he was always like this I'm not sure what you can do, realistically. Other than leave.