I am married to such an idiot

[Yogatomorrow]

Sorry but this is going to a self-pitying rant. I am married to a man who thinks that he is hilarious and that I have a sense of humour by pass. Because everyone else bar me thinks that he is really funny. I am just a bossy cow who ruins his fun.

Today:
He bought himself a mask that says "fuck covid". He will only wear it while shopping with me and DS (7). In my opinion, it is totally inappropriate to wear it infront of a child. Also I am a teacher, imagine if my students or SLT were to see me with him wearing it. He has agreed not to wear it (or more accurately he says he will throw it away because he is "not allowed to wear it" (!)).

We spotted a very expensive car with a really tacky personalised number plate. So DH makes the joke to DD that he wanted the driver to open the window so that he could spit at them. (He wouldn't - but in his world it is still very funny to joke about it). In front of my sister as well.

Family zoom meeting. He doesn't join in, but sits on other side of the computer. For some reason the conversation turns to cows. So he pipes up "talking about mad cows - how is your mother?"

Again in the family zoom meeting, the conversation was on something mundane. So again he pipes up "this is a bloody boring conversation" Again a joke - apparently. These are the only two comments he made - not even "hello" or "good bye".

I have stopped drinking alcohol as I have been struggling with my mental health and drinking for a bit. I managed 7 days today - proud of myself. I mentioned that I was thinking of going to church tomorrow. He returns around and tells/orders me "don't go to church - go have a drink instead". Yet another "joke".

All in one day.

I am embarrassed by him. He actually can actually be witty, entertaining and charismatic but he has no filter or sense of appropriateness. And his comments can be nasty on occasion.

He has little empathy when it comes to his sense of humour. He also justifies everything as being a joke. I hate the position it puts me in of having to choose to let it pass or bring him up on it. He will never accept that his funny comments aren't funny and turns it on me. Leading to unpleasantness in front of our child and family.

We just don't have the same values. I makes me so sad.

He sounds like an arse. But I'm wondering- is this the kind of personality trait that maybe you found kind of attractive when you were both younger? A humourous wind-up merchant can be entertaining when you're not married to them, but relying on them changing as they get older is a bit of a risk!

What I will say is that in my experience a parent saying unkind things disguised as humour can be imitated by the child. The father is supposed to be a role model after all. This can make life difficult for the other parent, as well as the child themselves. It is probably easier to mitigate when the parents are not together.

That is a really interesting take and I will think over that.

@DDIJ

That all sounds horrible but this bit stood out for me

He has little empathy when it comes to his sense of humour. He also justifies everything as being a joke. I hate the position it puts me in of having to choose to let it pass or bring him up on it. He will never accept that his funny comments aren't funny and turns it on me. Leading to unpleasantness in front of our child and family.

Is there anything positive at all about this relationship for you?

Not reading any other messages in the thread and responding to this one only reads to me like he is only on the periphery of a marriage - not really in it.

He's an idiot. He has no filter and is not learning to change because you are not teaching him.

I would never leave the house with him and would not include him in anything 'family'.

If he wants to be a fool then let him be a fool on his own. he needs a kick right up his arse for behaving like this in front of your children IMHO.

I'm not surprised your mental health is suffering dealing with him every day to be honest.

It REALLY annoys me when someone has a unfunny, immature sense of humour and then blames you for not having a sense of humour when you don't find it amusing. (When in fact you don't find it funny because you actually have a more sophisticated sense of humour :o) Just infuriating!

It's one of those things that can be really important in a relationship. Having to deal with someone who doesn't "get" you in that way - but even worse if they then blame you.

My ex was so similar OP, its uncanny. I think when I was younger I was also more immature so I found it funnier. His sense of humor didn't become more sophisticated over time!

Ultimately I found it so depressing by the end.What is a funny joke when you're 20 is not the same when you're 29. He had no concept of 'time and place', so disrespectful. Also it didn't help that because he was in hospitality there were so many younger people around him at work who thought he was 'funny' and 'cool' in comparison to the other managers - probably because they actually wanted to you know, act like grown people.

Sadly, I think your disgust and intolerance for his behaviour is only going to grow until you can't take it anymore, even though you say he does have some good qualities. I don't think a good man would constantly dismiss your feelings while at the same time blaming you for them. This relationship will become untenable.

How old are you both?

Some of the things you've said I don't think are that big of a deal - but put them all together and it seems very draining! The mask I think it just ridiculous and I don't know any grown man who would wear that especially infront of a child or married to a teacher!

Do you think it is just a case of you've outgrown each other?

I am quite a 'jokey' parent and I like other jokey people but he just sounds really immature.

I tend to joke a lot, and have an odd sense of humour, that generally falls flat with more serious and easily offended people, but not jokes that are a bit cruel, like the cow one and how is your Mil type of thing.

I have a few pet names for some ultra pretentious people who live in my village, who think they are of the highest order here and so , but just my thoughts,kept to myself. The only person who thinks my jokes are funny, is my adult Son, who seems to have inherited my weirdness !

I want to be there with them with him to be able to protect them or neutralise his comments when they go to far. I can't do that if I'm not with him.

Hmm. I think you really need to dig down here a bit harder.

You/your children can't unhear comments.

And how exactly do you neutralise them? Oh hoho, daddy didn't mean it, he's just joking (invalidating their real life experience just like he does) - or confronting (seeing mummy & daddy argue/daddy telling mummy she's got no sense of humour etc?)

I think you're fooling yourself that you're able to "protect" them by staying.

@Yogatomorrow, I am getting quite old now; I have a grandchild but I do hope I can offer you some advice.
You once loved this man enough to marry him and have a child with him. When you speak about him I feel that inside this man, who is causing you so much grief is someone you love.
We start from a place of such optimism In our relationships and when our expectations are not met it can be really derailing; this applies to him too.
It’s all too easy for both people in a relationship to become very focussed on their own unhappiness and disappointment. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing that this person is selfish and uncaring. They may be but just maybe they are hurting too.
Men are notoriously useless at expressing themselves and as a woman that’s sometimes a tricky thing to understand.
When I was young I heard older people say that relationships require work but I didn’t understand what was meant by that. Some couples might just naturally get the whole thing ‘right’ from the get go. Most of us need to learn and often that stressful time when young children, work, mortgage and any number of other commitments is taking all your attention is when the difficulties first rear their ugly heads.

I hope you trust me when I tell you that drinking to numb the pain is about the worst thing you can do. When you are ‘relaxed’ with alcohol you will feel emboldened to express how you feel but sufficiently disinhibited to let him have it all guns blazing, if not today; some day.
Ask yourself if you honestly want to give this relationship a chance. If you do not then the only advice I can offer is to make every decision going forward with your child at the forefront of your mind.
If you would like to give the relationship every chance and I think you probably would then it’s time to take a very deep breath.

You guys need to talk, not row, not shout, not make accusations just talk.
More than anything else you guys need to listen. Tough one that!
Find a time to talk when you’ve both got time. Please don’t either of you drink.
You’re going to have to take control, never mind if that’s ‘fair’ that doesn’t matter.
Start by telling him you love him, you do right? Even if he’s annoying the hell out of you right now.
Tell him you’re worried about your relationship and you’re worried he isn’t happy either.
Remind him (and yourself) of a wonderful happy time and tell him you’d like to go back to feeling that way. You would right? I bet he would too.
Then do something which isn’t easy. Tell him you want to know how he feels, where he sees the problems. You will have to listen and be really, really honest. No point at all in telling him that you would have been different if he had, he will find that out. If in all honesty there are things he brings up which are valid even if you feel your behaviour has been influenced by him, you have to say sorry. ‘Sorry I can see that has been upsetting for you and I’d like things to change’.

Do not interrupt him, let him speak.
Then you can tell him how you feel. Be careful even if what he’s said seems unfair, you are teaching him to communicate.
When you speak about how you feel don’t accuse him, rather phrase things as when such and such happens I feel hurt/ humiliated/ unloved; you may not really have previously recognised exactly how you feel.
The chances are high you won’t manage to speak about everything in one session but thank him for taking part and give him a nice warm hug.
Suggest setting time aside every day to talk about the previous day and how it has felt to you both. If you are criticised only acknowledge and apologise, do not apportion blame when it’s your time to talk you can explain your perspective.
Practise every day discussing how you have felt the previous day. Each given the chance to be listened to. It is very important going forward that at the end of any things which you weren’t happy about you speak with as much enthusiasm as possible for the smallest things you were happy with. Just telling him his smile lightened your day is enough but you must end on a positive and a hug.
The trick in the end is to keep on talking, in the end it mostly won’t need to be formally but always focus (both of you) on the positive. Spend more and more time saying, thank you, you made me laugh, what would I do without you. He should be saying those things too.
A relationship is like a beautiful rose, everything about it is beautiful to begin with but without care it will wither and die. With care however it will be full of beauty and joy, not just for you but for your children.
I have been where you are, my husband is retiring soon and I’m genuinely looking forward to spending my retirement with him. I wish you well.
Namaste 🙏🏻

@Biscuitsdisappear

The abusive language on the face mask could upset somebody with young children sufficiently for them to call the police.

Seriously?! Someone would actually pick up the phone and call the Police because somebody is wearing a Mask that says 'Fuck Covid?' Are you actually ok?

This is not school and the Police are not teachers. Get a grip

It doesn't sound like he is going to change. So you can either decide you change your reaction to his stupidity and immaturity or get yourself out the situation and leave. He sounds horrible and exhausting and I know which I would do.

You have a different sense of humour. It is as simple as that. If its a problem, walk away.

I find the cow comment witty but thats just my sense of humour. I like Jimmy Carr.

I think you’ve, quite simply, outgrown him.

He sounds awful. The type of man who finds himself funny when everyone around him are cringing.

My dad was exactly like this. Exactly. His idea of comedy was generally to be a bit mean/snide, sometimes just plain awful. My mum took the brunt of it, but us kids also got our fair share. When my A Level teacher wrote that I was the most gifted student she had ever taught, his response was ‘everyone else must have been a moron then.’ That was his idea of comedy.

With other people he knew how to charming apparently, he’s on his 3rd or 4th wife now I hear so he must be able to charm people at least for a little while.

Anyway, it did some serious damage to my mum over the years, and to me and my siblings. I had a lot of self-confidence issues as I was a teenager and made some very bad choices until I was about 20.

Your husband is probably nowhere near as awful as my dad, but it really can creep up on you. None of us kids have anything to do with him at all now, and in fact he has never met my kids.

I was about 15 I think when my parent split up and I only wish my mum had forced him out sooner. She was so worn down and exhausted by him (and I was so messed up) she wasn’t able to recognise my very, very bad/dangerous behaviour.

Hmmm....does he have any empathy at all? Does he seem sad or affected when he sees sad emotionally charged videos? Does he seem genuinely worried or sad when someone he knows or loved is going through a tough time or something bad has happened to them?

Does he try to be funny? Does he admire or really value comedians? Does he really see his 'humour' as an integral, essential part of who he is? If so, these men are frequently total, insufferable, attention-seeking, immature, frequently very insecure assholes. They're never as funny as they think they are. They underestimate how much people will laugh in order to be polite.

That mask is something that a 14 year old might wear.... but your husband is an adult. He has a right to wear thing you don't like, but you also have the right to associate or not with him. I don't think you really respect him anymore.

@Bumbrella

He sounds awful. The type of man who finds himself funny when everyone around him are cringing.

They really are awful. You know what's bad? Working in an office where there's more than one man who's like that, who tell rape and paedophilia jokes because they think it's fucking hilarious. Awful. Such obvious, chimp-like behaviour, and it frequently gets worse around women because they're all insecure idiots underneath all that horrible bravado.

@Alwaysinpain That's what I thought! XD No wonder emergency services have their time wasted. Someone in my area seemed to be seriously considering calling the police because there was a bee's nest in a building near a pavement. The police!!

All of those things he said I laughed at I'm sort of have found the mask very funny

It sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings tbh, I had a partner like this and his ‘sense of humour’ was offensive. If your DH loved you he would want you to feel happy.

I left my DH as I did not want my DCs to have our relationship as a template for their own relationships. I’m very happy now. ExDH is miserable and alone as he has alienated all his friends with his behaviour.

He doesn't sound witty, he sound like a dim shite who bullies others and calls it bants.

As a PP said, no wonder you drank, you were probably trying to mask the stress of managing and placating him all day.

It's clear that hes worse now as you have stopped drinking and he prefers you ill, alcohol dependant, mentally small and therefore more controllable. Do not restart drinking. You're doing so well and that will see you well should you need to go though a child arrangements case. Keep going with this.

The mask thing is an attempt to publicly humiliate you and also to wind you up then accuse you of 1. Crazy and 2. Controlling him. When you ask him not to wear such an embarrassing piece of nonsense, he accuses you of controlling behaviour, thereby projecting his own pattern of behaviour onto you. This is also gaslighting behaviour - an attempt to make you doubt your own lived and witnessed reality.

Does any of this resonate?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I find the cow comment witty but thats just my sense of humour. I like Jimmy Carr.

The thing is I think he said it when it was audible to OP's mum. That's not going to impress a guy's MIL! And is really not good.

Not great. And you know it or you wouldn't have posted. Fundamentally you are quite different personalities. You need to be compatible. Even if he was loaded and shit hot in bed it wouldn't make up for that dickery.