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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if this is bullying - I just don't want to go back to work.

40 replies

CakesRus3 · 15/08/2020 13:54

I have been at my current nursing post for a year (qualified a year). Since being there I haven't really had any guidance or preceptorship. I'm ok with learning as I go along and I do feel more comfortable asking questions as I go along. However, this has appeared quite difficult here. My manager dismisses me and is patronising in her approach. To the point I started to feel quite anxious going into work. The nurse that was going support me with my preceptorship has left. I confided in her before she left and she said she has noticed how I am treated in the office. She explained that the manager is like it with certain people. The only band 6 in our office now is so approachable, she buffs and puffs, she won't look at you, very blunt in conversation and so very patronising. It's so difficult to explain how she is. She looks at me as if I'm stupid, she has no patience. I know she is under pressure with our work load. I can't ask her anything as she makes me feel so silly in front of the whole office. I actually can't believe how rude she is. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go back as my anxieties are so high. I can't afford to leave nursing as I'm a single parent and it took me 5 years and hard work to qualify.

OP posts:
Help1101 · 15/08/2020 14:18

Hello
This is not nice to cope with and I’m sorry you are suffering . I’ve just left a job due to bullying but not in nursing . I’m hoping that someone can come along and give you some advice . Take care of yourself !

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 15/08/2020 14:20

18Help1101 - I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you are ok?! The worst bit is feeling alone and not knowing who to talk to about it. Thankyou Smile

OP posts:
ClamDango · 15/08/2020 14:23

sadly there is a lot of bullying in nursing, what sort of ward are you on? I would go and speak to HR and explain that you are not being supported, you are concerned that you won't get any professional development and can they consider relocating you to another area. Don't give up just because of one bad experience. I guess you meant to say your 6 is so unapproachable. Is there a 7 or a Matron you could speak to in confidence or is it the 7 who is picking on you. There should also be a Union rep at the hospital who can offer you advice.

updownroundandround · 15/08/2020 14:26

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and yes, it is bullying.

Unfortunately the NHS is full of bullying behaviour which has a loooong legacy and is often rooted in 'tradition'. This does not make it either acceptable or right.

Is there anyone at work who you would like to be your mentor ? if there is, why not ask them privately, and if they agree, tell your Band 6 that you have sorted out your own mentor as the previous one has left.
That way, you come across as someone who can see an issue, and then fix it yourself as well as someone who recognises/ acknowledges her own limitations within practice.

if all else fails, there's certainly plenty other posts needing filled elsewhere and you can say you're looking to diversify and gain experience in different areas.

ClamDango · 15/08/2020 14:27

I was asked, or rather told, to do a skill swap on a ward, I have 25 years experience, the 7 was bossy, rude, dismissive, loved to try and embarrass me. It was awful, I asked to be moved which I was and it was a massive weight off my shoulders and such a relief. I have no idea why some people still get promoted when they are so unsuited to the job.

updownroundandround · 15/08/2020 14:28

Also, you may get more replies if you post in 'work' or 'employment issues'

Good luck x

CherryPavlova · 15/08/2020 14:30

Go to your Freedom to Speak Up Guardian for advice and support,

madcatladyforever · 15/08/2020 14:33

You really need to take this higher OP, I work in a similar environment but I'm a grade 6 and the way the work is allocated means no one interferes with me and I can do my own thing, also I'm older so I don't give a shit any more. I give people like that short shrift.
But I've noticed the new staff are getting zero preceptorship and I feel so so sorry for them, I've been talking to management about it in a bid to help them.
Its so much worse after covid but they need more help and better treatment.
Half the time the managers higher up are not aware what is going on so they need to be told either by you or a third party if there is anyone approachable you can confide in at work.
You cannot let this continue as you will never learn your job properly so quite honestly I would be asked to be moved as you are clearly not learning anything.
I've asked some of the new people to be placed with me so they can relax a bit and learn the job.

mrsjackrussell · 15/08/2020 19:05

I was in nursing for 6 years and I was in a similar situation. The management bullied me and others. One band 6 left because they bullied her so badly. It got worse and worse and I ended up leaving for bank work. I then discovered that not all wards were like that. If I were you I would do some bank shifts on different wards , find somewhere you really like and wait for a position to come up.

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 15/08/2020 19:57

Thankyou all so much. My manager and a band 6, both very patronising. Both in different ways. Yes, you are right, I'm not learning. I'm so anxious to the point of feeling physically ill. I work within a community team, not a ward. I'm not sure where I could be moved. I have asked for outside supervision but that was weeks ago. I need to explain that I'm not being supported and anxious to ask questions but it's difficult to. I have been searching but I can't do shifts so limited. One job has come up, the same type of service but an hour away. It's a long way to travel. What if it's the same there? I'm scared it's going to be like it everywhere. That's why I have just put up with it. I have been of on AL for a week. Before I left, I was told I was being paranoid over my reaction to distancing in the office and sharing desks/phones. I know everyone has a different view over this virus but I have an auto immunity and being tested for asthma. I'm also a single parent trying to home school. It's been so difficult. The band 6 was so rude before I left, saying I was isolating myself but it's the only way to manage my anxieties. I started to work more in the office but she is just awful. I have to go back on Monday.

OP posts:
Blushingm · 15/08/2020 20:15

I'm also a community nurse but 2 years qualified. Have you built any friendships within the team? Can you speak to one of the other band 5's to let them know how you're feeling, they may help you or go with you to speak to the 6&7? Or could you speak to the 8? Are they approachable? Could they arrange to move teams so you can start afresh?

Being NQN on community is daunting and you need to feel you can ask questions from anyone as your work is autonomous

ClamDango · 15/08/2020 20:42

You need to get this sorted out for your own sake, you have to be given the opportunity to develop your skills and knowledge for your own personal development and your patients and having a bossy little madam and a spiteful manager around you will just shatter your nerves. They always make excuses for their poor behaviour.
There will be a b8 somewhere, or even the RCN could offer advice, are you a member?
What sort of community team is it? are you linked in with other teams? Could you get work within a hospital instead.
If you are part of the NHS then occy health might be a support for you, you can self refer to talk to them or even go to your gp and get signed off if you are becoming physically and mentally affected by the bullying.

ClamDango · 15/08/2020 20:45

www.nmc.org.uk/standards/guidance/preceptorship/

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 15/08/2020 20:53

Thankyou so much for your messages. I'm within a memory service and we are connected to a cmht. The cmht appear lovely. Within my office, we have so many part time people so don't see many of them for long enough. I asked the band 8 (he's quite new on secondment) for outside supervision as I was struggling. He copied me into an email but I haven't heard anything. I didn't detail what was going on as I'm so scared it will make it worse. Shall I say exactly what is happening?
I could call the RCN. I can't work shifts as I'm a single parent with no support. The community hours are better for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakesRus3 · 15/08/2020 20:54

45ClamDango thankyou 😊

OP posts:
SummerPeony · 15/08/2020 20:58

There may be lots of community jobs available. Gp surgery, community nursing but in a different area, what about looking for a job within a hospital but without the shifts? Occupational health, infection control, a day unit, outpatients? Are you adult trained?

This is horrendous but so common. I am 33 and I have been a nurse for 12 years. I have come across so many big bullies in that time

Original poster
CakesRus3 · 16/08/2020 09:09

I'm mental health trained. Not as many options. I don't want secure or acute wards. I can't do shifts anyway. I do keep looking but nothing about. The only one is an hour away, which will be difficult but doable. I just worry it will be like it there. Especially now I'm qualified a year, they will think I have really good knowledge. I don't feel like I do as I haven't had the support.
I have read those 2 links and it makes me more determined to stand my ground. I'm just up against the 6 and 7. Lots of new part time people who have retired and come back in our office.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakesRus3 · 16/08/2020 09:14

I have thought about going on the sick but it won't look good. I also want to actually learn and progress.
33madcatladyforever wish we had a you where I worked. I remember having some great mentors training. They had time and encouraged me. It was on those placements I did well and was so eager to do more, to continue. They gave me good feed back and it built my confidence.
My confidence is shattered. I have been up all night as I know I'm back tomorrow.

OP posts:
ClamDango · 16/08/2020 13:12

You may find another job very easily, there are nurse led memory clinics, dementia care, all sorts of mh settings outside the NHS, whereabouts in the country are you.

SummerPeony · 16/08/2020 13:17

If I were you I’d stick it out as much as possible. Grit your teeth, stand up for yourself wherever you can and look on nhs jobs every single day! Get out of there as soon as possible. I have worked in places like this and they never change. The good thing is that there is something better out there for you!

HotSauceCommittee · 16/08/2020 13:26

I'm quite hard faced, so after a few episodes of huffing and puffing and rudeness from anyone, I'd be asking if there was a problem and stating that I'd like to learn and improve.
Of course, if you take that approach, they'll ask where this has come from in the hope that you will back track, so you'd have to go on to say that there seems to be reluctance to address your queries and an unpleasant attitude from them.
Try it?
I am annoyed on your behalf. No one deserves that and you are already brilliant being a single parent and doing a profession job. Remind yourself of that. You are great.

ScrapThatThen · 16/08/2020 13:39

You're a professional, you don't want to go sick, you need to grit your teeth and get your preceptorship. There's plenty more jobs when you have done that. There's a COVID mental health crisis and there will be all sorts of training and job opportunities especially at the lower bands. Do anything you can to make their lives easier and to develop yourself, build your portfolio and get this supervisor sorted. It's tempting to retreat when people behave so badly towards you, but much more successful to address issues or keep relating professionally and confidently to them.

Angelina1972 · 16/08/2020 23:30

Nurse of 25 years here. This sounds so stressful. Bullying is rife unfortunately, as others have said. I’d keep going in, you sound competent, and therefore you should feel more confident in yourself. But keep a daily look out on NHS jobs and get the hell out of that team!

Blushingm · 23/08/2020 10:41

Just because your MH trained doesn't limit you. What about substance misuse? Prison inreach. Lots of GP surgeries now have a MH nurse attached to them.

My friend who is MH trained us doing aesthetics