DSD14 asking for contraception

[ConflictedDilema]

Today DSD14 asked me if she could go on the pill. She lives with me and DH 50/50. I have 2teen DDs too, 1 of whom is sexually active. DSD has talked a bit to DDs about it but never tells anyone the full truth.

She's had no Sex Ed from school or her mum. Some from me and my kids. But she has 2 parents so not really my place. However I am very open about it all but try not to cross the line.

Physically she is very mature but mentally less so. She says she takes TV and movies as her guide to life. I'd say she's probably seen a fair amount of porn.

Her MH isn't great. She self mutilates. Shes incredibly passive so will go along with almost anything.

She's due to start with a new psychologist in a couple of weeks. She had an initial assessment about 2 months ago. She can't really talk to either her Dad or Mum. Relations between her parents are awful.

When it came to light a couple of weeks ago she was seeing a 16yo I said come to me if you need to as DM and DDad are not easy to talk to. Her and BF go to different schools in the same town so haven't seen much of each other face to face. And only since we came out of lockdown here - started in June I think.

She's due to go back to Mums tomorrow so will have fairly unsupervised access to BF for the next 2 weeks. She's on a very short leash with DH but was allowed to take a train to see him yesterday. Resulting in pill conversation today. She says they haven't even discussed sex yet.

They have however done quite a lot of touching. Apparently he even fingered her anally, which I'm troubled by. According to her mum (the queen of overshare) she masturbates a lot. Her and mum watched 50 shades together when she was 12 which was an interesting choice.

So my dilemma. If I tell DH this is not going to go down well. I'm not sure how badly but potentially the fall out is huge. Plus she'll quite rightly never tell me anything again.

If I take her to the Dr she can talk to him about it without me there but contraception is not free here (not UK) and DSD doesn't have access to enough cash to pay for it. If DH finds out I've gone behind his back I don't think he'd ever forgive me.

If DH finds out she's had sex with the bf I think his first instinct will be the police.

I absolutely will not talk to her DM about it. The fall out would be fatal for everyone. She's already v jealous of my relationship with DSD.

So what would you do? I'm thinking of buying my DD a large pack of condoms which all the teens have access to. I'd like to park the issue for 6 months when she's 15 (and it's legal) but I just don't think I've got that luxury.

I've said to DH he really needs to have a talk with her. He really wants me to stop talking to him about the whole subject.

I'm afraid I'm going to sleep now I've put this out there but will read in the morning.

Well your dh should pull himself together and be the dad she needs. Burying his head in the sand helps no one. The consequences of her having inadequate contraception could be awful. I don’t know your dh obviously, but if it was my dh I would be rocking the boat until he did something.

your DH needs to step up and parent. He needs to be calm and have the difficult conversations. Also needs to point out that although the pill will prevent pregnancy, it will not prevent STI and condoms are also required.
Also discuss how porn is unrealistic and often demeaning to women
Good luck

This is surprisingly graphic for you to post and then run away from..

How do you know she hasn't had sex ed from her mum?
Her mum said she masturbates a lot...who did she say that to? If she's the queen of overshare like that I would assume she's open with her daughter about sex, likewise if she watched 50 shades of grey with her...it would be bizarre to watch that with her but not be able to talk about sex?

Now I understand that most parents wouldn't watch that kind of thing with their 12 year old...but I remember when I was that age I was obsessed with anything to do with sex or any sex scenes etc. I could see on TV. I would for sure have watched 50 shades at age 12. My mother never discussed anything with me at all but I can kind of see the logic behind "well if they're going to watch it anyway behind my back...wouldn't it be better if they watched it with me so we could discuss it?"
You say the mum is jealous of your relationship.
I wonder is there an element of this girl playing you off against each other?

I doubt your dh would forgive you if you went behind his back like that. He would see it as encouraging and condoning her being sexually active..not protecting her. He needs to parent his child better.

I doubt she would use the condoms....she could probably have bought them anywhere without needing to ask anyone to bring her to the doctor for contraception!

This child is 14, there are clearly a lot of issues going on if she self mutilates, is seeing a psychologist and so on...and she could be setting herself up for some sexual trauma if she goes ahead with this...so I don't think it's a case of simply letting her go ahead as long as she is on contraception. You really need to let the people know who could actually stop her from doing it.

Who did she confide in about him fingering her anally? It's very odd if that was to you rather than to your dd...kind of like she's going for the shock factor and a cry for attention.

I first had sex at that age and while I had awful experiences later, that wasn't one of them...so I don't always equate young teenage sexual experiences with causing sexual trauma.This girl just sounds like she has a lot going on mentally and a the whole situation sounds odd all around so that's why I would worry for her.

I would not do ANYTHING without talking to her Dad about it. I understand she came to you in private but I would tell her that although she can always come to you for anything, you can’t keep her Dad (or Mum) out of the loop for something like this.its your job to be there for her- but not at the expense of her safety and well-being. Can you imagine if she went on birth control and it failed and she got pregnant?! All the blame would be pointed at YOU for enabling her behaviour (which is TOTALLY inappropriate for a 14 year old!). This is the stuff that could potentially ruin your relationship with her dad. Good luck op in whatever you decide 💐

You said “if DH finds out she had sex with the BF I think his first reaction will be the police”... maybe I missed it but how old is the BF?

Ok I just saw he’s 16- isn’t that statutory rape?! You’d be enabling this (and behind your DH back) think about it.

I know it will be difficult but the girl's father needs to be told about this and told that, if it happens, the girl will have been raped illegally. It also needs to be made clear to the girl too that the bf could end up locked up and that they must not do this.

Easier said than done I know but, when all said and done, if you buy the condoms, you're condoning an illegal act. Also, she isn't your daughter even though you seem to be the only responsible adult in her life. Can you talk to the school about this?

@TinkersTailor it was very late at night and it's been a very short night. Not running away really not.

She told eldest DD about the fingering. Likewise she didn't want to break a confidence.

@user1481840227 i was also obsessed with sex at her age but my sexual stimulation came from Jilly Cooper so altogether rather safe in retrospect.

From what you’ve said about her she sounds emotionally naive but wanting to appear sexually experienced in an up for anything way.
I doubt very much that either the pill and condoms are the right form of contraception for her. The injection would be better.
Could you speak to her mum in a general way, maybe drawing on your experiences with your older DD?? Saying it would be great if you could be consistent across the 2 households re rules and moving on to contraception? DH should obviously be involved as well.
It sounds a really hard situation. Good luck

Hit post too soon. She came to me at about 5pm yesterday. I was taken by surprise really and hadn't ordered my thoughts on the subject. I then had a social thing followed by 5 round trip with eldest DD so we had a chance to talk about what we'd both been told separately.

I said to DSD that I thought she probably ought to discuss with psy before going ahead. But I think I was probably passing the buck.

I saw DH for 5 mins before he was asleep. I said he should talk to her and that something about anal sex had been said that I thought was worrying. He said he would today.

He's clearly not happy about the idea but definitely does want to step up. I'm concerned that if he is saying just don't do it, that's not going to be effective.

I think I'll have to tell him that she has asked me about contraception.

@user1481840227 - I try not to have anything to do with her mum. I'm scared of her. She hits 31/35 markers for being a narcissist in a test that DSD did on her. She's not a safe place to talk.

@Rainbowqueeen I wish that was possible. Any rules at her mums are very changeable. Strict one minute and non existent the next. The relationship between the two households is very very poor. CoVid was about a dozen nails in the coffin.

This poor girl is not in the any frame of mind to be having sex with anyone at all! Poor girl Why on earth can you not see that I'd be calling the police too as she's so vulnerable plus underage. Anyone having sex with her is just using her and any responsible parent would be stepping in.

Even she had no issues at all, why would someone not be doing what they can (within reason) to stop/discourage a 14 year old child from having sex. In what possible way does it benefit a child to be having sex so young?? In contrast it leaves them so vulnerable to being taken advantage of, pregnancy, STDs (you can catch some even with condom use), exploitation in the worst cases etc. Even stepping aside from sex, things like sharing intimate photos can leave them open to bullying, high risk of photos being shared with others. I hope you're educating them on all these dangers. Girls like your daughter/step daughter thought doing all these things made them grown up, but there were the ones just taken advantage of when i was that age.

You should certainly make her parents aware. This is your partner's daughter not yours - the only reason she's coming to you is because you're so permissive. She desperately needs someone who's going to actually look out for her and set boundaries to protect her, not throw pills/condoms in her direction.

I think it's cleat that OP can see that @Lilywater but realistically what can she do? She can't control her, she's not even living with her the majority of the time. She's asking advice for making the best of a bad situation from what I can see.

Isnt it sexual abuse to get a child to watch 50 shades?

OP this is a tricky one. Your DH needs to step up, especially if her mother isn't.

It is important to make sure she's got access ti contraception but also just as important to make sure she understands that she has bodily autonomy, that she can say no to anything, what loving and respectful relationships look like etc. Is she comfortable with the boyfriend and what he did? Have you met him?

@LilyWater I'm sorry but your post is very judgmental. I clearly think her having sex is a terrible idea. What have I posted that makes you think otherwise? But I know "don't do it" is not an effective deterrent from experience.

I also don't want her not to be able to talk to me as the one adult who she feels she can talk to a little bit. She is so far from an open book and has been so damaged by her mums indiscretion that she felt she could talk to me was really a good thing.

I have talked to DH about what I know. He is mulling it over. DSD won't be up for another 3 hours.

@MonsteraCheeseplant she is with us 50/50 but we live more rurally than her mum so she'll naturally see him more when she's at her mums. And mum is ok with them being at her house while she's at work.

@Rainbowqueeen i mentioned to DH that if he thought contraception was appropriate that the injection or implant might be a better idea. But it's a huge mental leap. We've only know about BF for 2 weeks and now we are discussing types of contraception.

You need to be talking to her about consent, about not feeling pressured to do with a, about having high self esteem and being in control of her body etc. It sounds like this is very low at the moment and tbh she sounds very vulnerable
Personally I’d probably take her to the doctors to discuss contraception while all the time talking about safe sex, not just physical use of condoms but about emotions and not being afraid to say no.
Her dad needs to step up here but it’s good she has you as a trusted adult and it’s great you are talking to her. Please try to keep the lines of communication open

@Palavah i think that's exactly what I'm hoping DH will talk about. Bodily autonomy, you can say no or stop at any point. If it's not fun for everyone it needs to stop etc. These are the conversations I've always had with my DDs as they've grown up but much less with DSD.

I also wonder how open she's been with her BF about her mental health. Perhaps that's also a conversation that needs to happen.

We did watch the cup of tea/consent video a few months ago Not sure it made any impact really.

Something about this worries me. Is there a chance she has experienced sexual abuse, just seems to be a few red flags.

How on earth did it come up in conversation that she masterbates a lot? Why would someone share that information about their child with others....u less it is very very infrequent or being done in a way that is inappropriate (eg in front of people etc).

Usually My opinion is give access to contraception but educate and dissuade as much as possible. However it sounds like she has a lot going on and sounds like she has probably experienced a difficult relationship with her parents (verging into abusive possibly from how you describe her mum). I think suggesting she speaks about it with professionals supporting her is a good idea, I presume that support would focus on relationships to a certain extend anyway given there seems to be an issue with the relationship ships between people in her family.

I your shoes I would tell DH about this, and tell him that if he's rather you handled the actual nuts and boots of getting the pill, you will do so, but only after he's spoken to her mother (so that her actual parents are both aware)

Unless he can convince you of a good reason why you shouldn't

But I don't know what factors have led to the involvement of a psychologist, and that might render my advice useless.

I really don't think hormonal contraception for teens is a good thing, and I would also be trying to delay her from starting sex. Not least because she is still far too young. But teens still do it, at at the end of the day, dealing with an unwanted pregnancy is even worse, hence yes to also ensuring contraception. Whatever method she uses, she needs to ensure the boy uses condoms as well.

I'd be very worried about the quality of her schooling. SRE really should have covered contraception by this point.

What you say about the mother is probably wrong too - far too much detail

DH has to step up and start having the conversations about the role of porn, why 50 Shades is such a shite film, watch together series such as Porn Laid Bare, and all the things about relationships, consent and values that are the 'R' part of SRE.

BTW: the little beasts all watch 50 Shades - it's today's equivalent of a bonkbuster being passed around the classroom. And most other teens will have seen some porn by age 14/15, so don't worry too much. Concentrate on getting communication working well.

OP well done.

I think it would be helpful for your DSD for you to actually be in the room when your DH talks to her about her bf and contraception but with you not saying anything unless you have to This is to ensure your DH stays calm and doesn't say stupid things like threatening your DSD with the police plus your DSD will probably feel safer.

There's 3 things that need to be considered 1. Delaying sex until she's emotionally mature enough to cope (this may be too late as they are already on this path) protecting from pregnancy and finally safe sex from sti's. The communal condom box is excellent for number 3 but I would recommend long lasting contraception on top, the implant perhaps to be safe. Meanwhile delaying until she's a bit older through advice is all you can do. Her parents do need to step up and pay for her to see the clinic!

@AuntieStella we are not UK and catholic school - great school but particularly shit on sex Ed. Should have happened during school closures. When you say "What you say about the mother is probably wrong too - far too much detail" what do you mean?

Her mum is a chronic oversharer as is her grandmother on that side. Her mum told me and DSDs previous psy about the masturbation (which meant DSD never built up a relationship with the psy because she was too embarrassed).

DH had a conversation with her the other day. He didn't share the contents with me before now. He says he talked about bodily autonomy and saying no at any point and that porn is not sex, but she went up to town literally the next day and it seems it slowed nothing down. He says that he thinks she'll go ahead regardless of what is said. I think he's right.

Age of consent here is 15. So one way or another it's not far away.

Oldest DD had a conversation with her when we got back last night and says she gave her a lot of reasons why this is not a good plan especially for her mental health. And that she really needs to talk to her parents.

Anyway perhaps the best we can do is just be as supportive as possible.