DSD14 asking for contraception

[ConflictedDilema]

Today DSD14 asked me if she could go on the pill. She lives with me and DH 50/50. I have 2teen DDs too, 1 of whom is sexually active. DSD has talked a bit to DDs about it but never tells anyone the full truth.

She's had no Sex Ed from school or her mum. Some from me and my kids. But she has 2 parents so not really my place. However I am very open about it all but try not to cross the line.

Physically she is very mature but mentally less so. She says she takes TV and movies as her guide to life. I'd say she's probably seen a fair amount of porn.

Her MH isn't great. She self mutilates. Shes incredibly passive so will go along with almost anything.

She's due to start with a new psychologist in a couple of weeks. She had an initial assessment about 2 months ago. She can't really talk to either her Dad or Mum. Relations between her parents are awful.

When it came to light a couple of weeks ago she was seeing a 16yo I said come to me if you need to as DM and DDad are not easy to talk to. Her and BF go to different schools in the same town so haven't seen much of each other face to face. And only since we came out of lockdown here - started in June I think.

She's due to go back to Mums tomorrow so will have fairly unsupervised access to BF for the next 2 weeks. She's on a very short leash with DH but was allowed to take a train to see him yesterday. Resulting in pill conversation today. She says they haven't even discussed sex yet.

They have however done quite a lot of touching. Apparently he even fingered her anally, which I'm troubled by. According to her mum (the queen of overshare) she masturbates a lot. Her and mum watched 50 shades together when she was 12 which was an interesting choice.

So my dilemma. If I tell DH this is not going to go down well. I'm not sure how badly but potentially the fall out is huge. Plus she'll quite rightly never tell me anything again.

If I take her to the Dr she can talk to him about it without me there but contraception is not free here (not UK) and DSD doesn't have access to enough cash to pay for it. If DH finds out I've gone behind his back I don't think he'd ever forgive me.

If DH finds out she's had sex with the bf I think his first instinct will be the police.

I absolutely will not talk to her DM about it. The fall out would be fatal for everyone. She's already v jealous of my relationship with DSD.

So what would you do? I'm thinking of buying my DD a large pack of condoms which all the teens have access to. I'd like to park the issue for 6 months when she's 15 (and it's legal) but I just don't think I've got that luxury.

I've said to DH he really needs to have a talk with her. He really wants me to stop talking to him about the whole subject.

I'm afraid I'm going to sleep now I've put this out there but will read in the morning.

I think you are really a wonderful stepmom to be so worried about her. Her parents are failing her. Poor girl is in no frame of mind to be even thinking of this. Sounds like she has low self esteem and wants to be sexually active to make up for that.
Her psych needs to also be aware of this, her dad should bring this up.

All schools have sex education, she would have been taught the basics during form period and science lessons.
She has either confided in you to reach out as a trusted adult and last bid to cry for help or she knows this sort of thing would drive a wedge between you and your husband so is testing.
I would go back to your step daughter and tell her what you are going to do, you haven't been deceitful then.
Example: one of your parents needs to know what you and I discussed last night. It's because they are legally responsible for you and they cannot do this without knowing the facts. I can either talk to your father for you or sit with you whilst you talk to him, they are your two options.
I would contact the school too. They have pastoral care teams who are very used to these situations and they can liaise with both GP and parent appropriately.
You could get the GP to ring her. Their duty of care means they decide if she's mature enough and can take the decision to inform parents.

OP I don't have the leaflet anymore so can't remember the name, but there's an IUD that's non hormonal and made for women who are younger. It's kind of a wire ball rather than a t-shape.

Might be worth investigating.

FWIW I think you're in an impossible situation and doing a great job.

IMO I think her main issue is being able to set boundaries. Her mum walks absolutely rough shod over everyone. DSD wants everyone to be happy so puts herself and her desires last. I think she feels she doesn't have much control over her life.

Her first proper psy appointment with the new lady is the first week of September. We got the first available appointment on our time to try and stop her mum sabotaging it.

@Savingshoes not UK so Sex Ed depends on the school. DD1 had 3 lots starting at 10/11, but a different school.

I just want to say:

I was a vulnerable teenager. Who had mental health issues due to my parents splitting up. I was quite into sex but only did it once I had a boyfriend. Who was 2 years older (I was 14).

My boyfriend gave me stability, love and he was the making of me.

I wouldn’t be me without him.

So....while I understand the dangers and worries - don’t just assume this is the worst thing ever. Her boyfriend (maybe you should meet him?) could actually help your DSD pull through her MH problems.

My boyfriend even encouraged me through GCSEs and College. Lots of careful sex, love and fun.

just another point of view. I really think the whole family should meet him.

And actually meeting his family really helped me too - has DSD met them? I just felt so loved and wanted from that moment on. His family were so lovely to me.

x

Is there any possibility of her staying with you two more often or permanently for a bit?

And like Humidity, mine was a good one who encouraged me to do my exams. He was one of the few people who really knew about my MH and what was going in at home. When we split I was still invited round by his family.

Any chance you can arrange a meet with him?

I did say to DH perhaps we should talk to his family. I'll talk to him about meeting BF. Everyones idea of hell I suspect.

@canigooutyet We've discussed DSD staying with us more often - particularly term time during the week as we have 3 kids at the same school so it makes sense. Her mum works long hours and has forgotten them the odd time. She's not super-organized. But DSD doesn't want to cause any upset although legally she's old enough to decide.

It's good to know that for some this was a really positive. And I guess it could be. But I'm really doubtful she's upfront with him about her MH. But that is a question I can reasonably ask.

Is there a sexual health clinic she can go to?

I went to one from being 13 years old, to pick up condoms that were free because we liked blowing them up like balloons and dropping them around school.

However they'll see any one over the age of 12 iirc, who shows good understanding of sexual responsibility, and will prescribe the pill.

No parent needed, entirely confidential.

Can’t your DH not allow her to see this 16 year old?! I know the difference between your house sand her Mums house is that the rules will go out the window when she goes to Mums, but what ever happened to saying no to kids? You can’t control what happens at mums but you can at your house. They’re not little adults- they’re children and the fact that the age of consent is older is because children don’t have the capacity to understand the (Potentially huge) consequences of their actions. That’s why it’s up to us parents to guide them

@NotaCoolMum she's back at her mums this evening for 2 weeks. It was a negotiated deal after a long talk with DH that she was allowed to go and meet him in town for an afternoon this week. She was forbidden from going to his house. They had 90 minutes and then a movie (raining). We are trying hard to discourage lying. But the long talk had less than zero impact.

DH is not a cool parent.

It must be so difficult- I know you’re doing the best you can- I hope you don’t think I was slaying you because I’m not at all. I know how hard it is. Anyone who says the “terrible twos” are the hardest have no idea! 😫

FWIW I think you are handling this really well.

Everyone knows a hormonal teenager will have sex if they are determined to regardless what is said by whom.

We have a responsibility to give the right messages and provide the safety talks. Sounds like you've done this well as she's coming to you and your DDs have taken on a responsible role as big sisters.

I have very mixed feeling re type of contraception for children. I agree depo and implant are good because it removes the risk of forgetting.

But as the parent to a teen boy (whole separate list of concerns but isn't into girls yet so not something I've had to face - yet!) I'm always thinking condoms because of the risk of STI's. And also as the parent to a boy I know if a condom is used there removes that need to 'trust' the girl saying she's on depo etc is removed.

As I talk to plenty of teen parents with sons and daughters all going through this I'm forever grateful autistic teen ds still seems to think the idea of a relationship is ridiculous

So DH has had another conversation with her. Very calm. Said talk to him before they do it and he'll take her to sort out contraception. Condoms not optional. Said he thinks they are too young, but knows that won't stop them. Also said that a couple of months was a bit quick and that they were missing out rather a lot of stages. And that sodomy not a game.

She was really happy with the result. Stunned by how non judgmental and angry he is.

BF is also aware and very supportive about her mental health so that's good. Knows about the psychologist.

So all in all it's as good as we can make it.

I second the viewpoint that it could be a positive for her. I had a traumatic childhood and was a vulnerable teen. I met a lovely 16 year old when I was 14. We were together 2.5 years and I spent more time with him and his family than I did with my own. We adored each other and he encouraged me to stay in school then college because he regretted dropping out. We always had safe sex and I felt loved not used.
Totally appreciate that things are different now with the rise in porn and anal sex etc. Try and meet him and bring him into your family a bit.

@NotaCoolMum

Can’t your DH not allow her to see this 16 year old?! I know the difference between your house sand her Mums house is that the rules will go out the window when she goes to Mums, but what ever happened to saying no to kids? You can’t control what happens at mums but you can at your house. They’re not little adults- they’re children and the fact that the age of consent is older is because children don’t have the capacity to understand the (Potentially huge) consequences of their actions. That’s why it’s up to us parents to guide them

Exactly. It never ceases to amaze me how some parents just throw their hands up in the air and act like they have no power at all over their own children's actions. Err hello they live in the same house as you, you're the adult in complete control of the family home, and you're their guardian and parent who has prime responsibility for their care, life-lessons, and well-being. Nowadays some parents are much more concerned with being their child's best friend! They already have best friends, they need you to step up as a parent. If a child is lying to you then there must be proper consequences for their actions. If you don't set boundaries who on earth will. Unfortunately this sort of permissive parenting usually begins well before teenage years so by the time they become hormonal teenagers they're just too used to lack of boundaries, having too much automatic autonomy and authority to do what they please that they become almost impossible to control by that point.

OP's stepdaughter needs to protected by concrete actions and firm restrictions on some of her actions, not just verbal talks which most teenagers will understandably ignore even if they nod along. A parent in this situation needs to be strictly monitoring who she's spending time with and acting accordingly to stop it. It wouldn't be surprising at all if the divorce itself and the dramatic change in her family unit is what's causing or contributing to a lot of her mental health issues. Sometimes we as adults forget that for a child, a permanent parental relationship breakdown is literally your whole world and security ending. It's also common that divorced parents act more leniently than if they were in their former family unit due to concern over not 'driving the child away'/ or the child favouring the other parent. Poor girl generally sounds very unsettled and seems to be searching for love and security elsewhere through this boyfriend/trying to people please.

This isn't criticism aimed at the OP - understandably not being her own child makes it a trickier situation for her. Her parents unfortunately are letting her down by not giving her the boundaries she needs, but since this SD is approaching OP, OP should do what's in her power to protect the SD. Giving the SD who is still a child, access to large pack of condoms in her own home to further facilitate the starting/continuing of underage sex while extremely vulnerable, as she previously suggested, is simply not the answer.

@LilyWater- I agree- it’s boggling my mind that a couple of posters think this could be a positive thing.... it’s positive for her to have a close friend at this age- but not an adult relationship. It certainly won’t be positive if she comes home pregnant! I always tell my son “if you choose the behaviour- you are choosing the consequences”. I do feel for OP as she’s really in a difficult place.