If you are a toxic family relationship 'cycle breaker' do you ever feel tired?

[sleepingnow]

I broke the cycle.

My kids are safe from the people who abused me.

I work in a supportive 'wounded healer' kind of role.

I'm incredibly relieved that my children won't get hurt like I did. That I had the strength to walk away etc etc. The few people who know my history tell me how brave I am.

But.

Lawks I feel tired of it all.

I'm not 'brave' I just would rather have been tortured again than see my kids be hurt by the family sex offender(s).

I hate being a 'victim' and I hate being a 'survivor'.

I just want to be uncomplicated. I don't want to have to have been the brave one who broke the cycle. What's it like just being normal, I wonder?

Do any other cycle breakers feel like this? I'm not the second coming ffs just got dealt a shitty hand and had to make it work and keep my kids safe.

Bump

I sometimes feel the unfairness if it all.

Narc mother who dropped me like a stone when I wouldn’t play ball anymore and a loving father who died when I was 15.

It is exhausting trying to unravel the effects it all had on me and just when I think I am there, something pops up to deal with.

I really want my children to feel loved as supported for themselves, but my only parenting role model was nothing like that. So that takes head space.

I do wonder what I would have been like if I had had a supportive up bringing.

I just have to remind myself that I should be proud of myself once in a while.

for you.

I have been excommunicated from my siblings as a result of speaking my truth. I'm just emerging from a period of complete depression and isolation, I wasn't willing to pretend anymore, it has taken so much effort and suffering to get to this point.

Yup

Cycle breaker here and it’s totally emotionally exhausting

I wish I just had a simple life. In fact, it’s probably my own ever wish.

Yes.

I have accepted that I'll spend my life being someone that is utterly misunderstood by other people. That I will never have really lovely deep supportive friendships because the normal people cannot comprehend my life experiences, and the wounded people are, like me, exhausted and just trying to get through things.

There are awful moments when you do reveal your past experiences etc to friends, and watch their image of you shatter right before your eyes. From then on you're the "brave" one, the "survivor". You're never again just their mate who they laugh with. You're never normal again. Every conversation takes a darker cast, every interaction is tinged with their belief that you're an outsider, now and forevermore.

I have one friend who can sort of hack it with me. She has a chronic disease, brought on by trauma, that looks set to kill her over the next few years. I am hyperaware that every time she acknowledges my history and empathizes with me, she's retraumatizing herself and its probably shortening her life. We both know this. We gently circle around the wounded parts in every conversation we have, trying to keep each other safe.

I am sooooo grateful my dc has a better chance than me. But I'm tired and sometimes my blood runs cold thinking about how incredibly alone I am, even in a roomful of people, and how that isn't going to change.

In reality of course everyone is alone in this life. Its just that the normal people get to enjoy so many happy illusions, and I'm envious of that, the illusions are what make life easier to get through.

Cycle breaker and excluded here too. The exhaustion and devastation of a brutal enmeshed childhood and the dysfunctionality of my siblings as adults has depleted me. However I am coming up for a year NC. Dragging yourself out of an enmeshed family isn’t like being skinned alive. However they are receding further and further in my rear view mirror. I have had to actively fill my time and life with new people and activities alongside selected emotionally safe old friends so that I was busy distracted and fulfilled with radiant people to have lightness and normality to heal. I have also done a lot of therapy read up on trauma, complex PTSD (Pete Walker), Toxic Parents (Susan Forward) where the dark emotional stuff has been processed through lots of ugly snotty crying.

I have compassion for myself - I was carrying too much, I was wounded, I have scars - but that’s OK. I remain positive because I now have boundaries (kindness and respect), aims (a calm and peaceful home) and purpose - hope and joy.

I allow the emotional overwhelm of my past to bubble up as feelings or emotions and pass through without any unhealthy behaviour. It comes in waves that if I sit with will subside. They are less frequent and intense now. I look to my children and know that I need to be truly emotionally available to them - I cannot do this if preoccupied with the past.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

Thank you everyone I so appreciate these replies.

I'm three years no contact, had 3.5 years of therapy, totally rebuilt my life and managed to achieve some incredible things academically and work wise since.

It really resonates though what others are saying about just wanting to be normal. And yes the awkwardness about explaining why no family as youre either elusive/judged or some amazing hero.

Sometimes I feel like the entire purpose of my life was to be this kind of bookend figure who enables the next generation to start afresh.

I'd do anything for my kids but sometimes that feels as though I'm the only reason I'm here; to give them a clean start - that I was never meant to have a nice life myself. Makes me sad sometimes :(

Yes. Successfully patented my children, but still have problematic relationships with the rest of my family. Nothing illegal, but a narcissistic mother has affected everything. I see the same patterns in one of my sib's family, and am the 'kid in the middle' with everyone's relationships. I'm the one who has been able to forge mature relationships, and I end up running Switzerland. I'm constantly pouring oil on troubled waters, it would be easier and more beneficial to me to walk away. I'm hoping that in a few years time, after she's gone, I'll be able to establish better relationships with my sibs.

The up side? My kids have learned amazing people skills from handling her. They have boundaries, too.

Yes, nowhere near the same extent but aggressive, emotionally abusive parents who turned us into equally aggressive unhappy people. I’m trying to break the chain and having therapy but my dad sends me awful messages and has attempted to turn my siblings against me and paint me as this awful, angry “lost” little girl trying to control everyone and everything around her. I just want peace but I want to save my relationship with my siblings. Fed up of the fighting.

11.5 yrs NC from my narc mother. Time heals.

Op, 'Why Women are Blamed for Everything' by Dr Jess Taylor might be useful too (writing from shared womens' stories, and her own of surviving family sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. Now nc).

I'm managing an arms length relationship with adoptive parents, and increasingly complex emotions about birth, adoption. Lots of past therapy about perfectionism in home and work life, ultimately all down to feeling I need to justify being for adoption for 'a good life' and damaging reprimands of 'after all we've done for you' for minor teenage transgressions.

Of course, lonely, scared teenager with no money, no support, not having told her family had zero option to keep me for a better life. And 'what we've done for you' was exactly what you wanted, dear parents, and I repaid you by being a straight A student getting qualifications way, way beyond any level you studied at. But, politically, culturally, religiously and often morally, we are poles apart. I'm happy to articulate those views to them, and to my children, who will also happily challenge and argue their own case, for example, defending the rights of women, the poor, black and ethnic minorities, any unfairness or unkindness really. They simply won't tolerate any nonsense that comes straight off the newspaper headlines.

But I mourn not being able to have the kind of some, easy relationship my friends have. I have to gear myself up for a phone call. I berate myself for being annoyed thinking about my mum. We have lovely surrogate grannies who know the story, but explaining to others why I won't have parents at Xmas, or why we don't have any childcare support from grandparents (they can't be arsed to see them, 3 miles away) oh, just oh, how? having to explain! I can't be bothered!

Read that back and it doesn't even make sense. Home life was very much about appearances, and being happy families. Lots of thought about 'when we get a baby' led to over romanticised idealistic vision. I don't think either ever processed their infertility issues, before embarking on the 'perfect solution' of adoption and neither were prepared for reality that children are difficult and complex, especially those with history. The reaction should not be to blame the child though.

Both parents presented with challenging & extreme ways of managing their own emotions, ultimately damaging for both me & my virtually nc brother.

And yes, I work in a wounded healer role too!

It really resonates though what others are saying about just wanting to be normal. And yes the awkwardness about explaining why no family as youre either elusive/judged or some amazing hero.

I have done some research recently about estrangement - the figure is one in five. People don’t talk about it - but it’s much more common than you think once you scratch the surface. It’s also an assumption to think others aren’t carrying anything. However I also keep my stuff to v few trusted old friends. All my new friends are for light hearted entertainment. I don’t get too close.

Sometimes I feel like the entire purpose of my life was to be this kind of bookend figure who enables the next generation to start afresh.

I feel this too. But I know that I have achieved it already. It’s not a burden. I feel that my purpose is to give myself a fresh future so I have unburdened myself.

I'd do anything for my kids but sometimes that feels as though I'm the only reason I'm here; to give them a clean start - that I was never meant to have a nice life myself. Makes me sad sometimes

I am looking to my children as my gorgeous future dynasty. I have worked really hard on my and their emotional development and freedom. I want them to be emotionally stable, emotionally intelligent and wise. To make good life choices. This will be my new normal - no drama, no manipulation, no personal attacks, no abuse. Much more space for calm and normal now that my dysfunctional toxic family are not polluting my life. I would not go back to all the nonsense, hurt, stress for anyone or anything. I am just gutted that it took me so long stuck in my own issues of codependency to pull myself free of it and take myself out of punching distance.

I have been excommunicated from my siblings as a result of speaking my truth.

This has just happened to me. I'm still in shock. I cannot believe how awful my sibling has been, I totally read them wrong. And then I realised that I had just been kidding myself because we were both from an abusive home (both parents). The only problem is db, seemed to perpetuate the behaviour and is extremely protective of df (who was violent and critical). I think Db is like this too (his children are adults now) and when he was confronted with the truth about df, he perhaps saw a reflection of himself. He sent me a very insensitive message and that's been the end of it. Having undergone years of therapy myself, I have now realised he is unlikely to change because in his eyes he is rarely wrong (so could never have issues) and it is all about what everyone else does and doesn't do. I have no extended family now - I think this is what the elderly face when family start dying off around them except it has happened 30 years prematurely for me.

I've probably fitted the wounded healer role in the past too.

All my new friends are for light hearted entertainment. I don’t get too close.

I need to have a few of these too. I do have a couple of close friends but don't get invited to fun stuff. I plan to join a few social groups (obviously not now with covid), in the hope of doing this. I think I probably get too intense too soon and end up divulging a whole catalogue of stuff too soon (probably due to lack of self confidence). Perhaps I shove all that stuff in front of me because I haven't up until very recently had any hobbies/interests of my own etc. it has been what defines me. Things are changing slowly.

I am just gutted that it took me so long stuck in my own issues of codependency to pull myself free of it and take myself out of punching distance.

This. Mid forties now. For years people kept saying I was really hard on myself and I never got what they were saying until recently.

Interesting research SSSlou re. estrangement. It doesn't altogether surprise me.

The unfairness: I remember thinking "and I even have to pay for the therapy to try and deal with it" . Meanwhile, the destructive/negligent family member seemed to live a carefree life with few if any problems.

But I agree with a saying I read recently, "Not every story has a happy ending, but that doesn't mean its not worth telling". A life worthwhile is just that, on its own terms.

I also believe that though toxic families leave their mark - it is usually not defining. We are more than our struggles, and everyone has multi-facets of their personality, including our appetite for life, and joy, our interests, and so forth, which I'm sure are also visible to other people, and that we can explore and experience and appreciate just for ourselves.

Daphnesmate01 - you will find lots of women reinventing themselves and looking for fresh new acquaintances, experiences and light hearted fun at this age. It’s a good age - when you are fewer to shake off the sometimes intense school gate dynamic and meet others at different stages of their lives. Hobbies / courses are good because you can engage with the subject and don’t have to get too emotional.

Yes, exhausted and constantly scared I’m slipping into the pattern of behaviour that they did. I’m constantly aware of having to break the mould and every day of doing that can be a struggle.

Agree. Lots of people talk about having great friends that you can call at 3 a.m . in the morning etc., which is good. But friendships you can just enjoy on a more light hearted basis and around interests are just as good, in a different way. As is being alone and enjoying doing things alone.

Thanks for the thread op, it is quite affirming. We are nc with DHs sister and lc with my family. In both cases it has been because we have called out the dysfunction. Ranks close and we are excluded as they rally to protect themselves. People who haven’t been through this don’t understand, when it has come up I am left feeling that I have committed an awful social faux pas by talking about family violence. It’s the feeling alone that’s exhausting.

I think there's a level of sadness to it that never goes away 100%. I'm LC with my family and every now and then wish it was different. But any time I spend time with them I feel so lonely and am so aware that I don't fit in because I won't play the co dependent game. And YY to PP's comment about thinking they would be different as grandparents. They're not and that brought a whole new level of pain. And so I've decided to focus on my life and those who add to it, not take away from it. Btw I'm in my mid 40s too. My 20s I spent v v LC and breaking the emeshment (probably ith a sledgehammer) and learning to have boundaries (no, mum, it wasn't appropriate to tell me and my siblings EVERYTHING that was going on...) and I feel like I backsliding a bit in my 30s, because I was craving a loving extended family for my kids. Now that I'm out of the woods w little kids (my youngest is 6), I feel like it's time to accept those boundaries need to be higher and remember that my life and my little family are the only ones I can rely on.

I'm three years no contact, had 3.5 years of therapy, totally rebuilt my life and managed to achieve some incredible things academically and work wise since.

That’s an amazing statement OP. It shows how much time, emotional energy and headspace that your toxic x family were draining from you and consuming you. Removing that physical burden day to day by NC has given you back time, space and energy to do amazing things career-wise. However maybe now you are starting a new chapter with these external achievements firmly secured - now maybe you want a richer more fulfilling emotional life. Have you the time and space from your career to let the accelerator off for a bit so that you can proactively look to put rest, joy, fun in your life? You have done all of the hard work of extricating yourself and building your career - so you are “safe” - can you look to actively plan / seek pleasure and comfort in activities, friendships, children etc. That’s your gateway to your normal life.

@oldstripeyNEWname1

Read that back and it doesn't even make sense. Home life was very much about appearances, and being happy families. Lots of thought about 'when we get a baby' led to over romanticised idealistic vision. I don't think either ever processed their infertility issues, before embarking on the 'perfect solution' of adoption and neither were prepared for reality that children are difficult and complex, especially those with history. The reaction should not be to blame the child though.

Both parents presented with challenging & extreme ways of managing their own emotions, ultimately damaging for both me & my virtually nc brother.

I feel like I could have written this. I'm in almost exactly the same position. I'm about to give birth to my DD, which has brought a lot of things to the surface.

Solidarity!