If you are a toxic family relationship 'cycle breaker' do you ever feel tired?

[sleepingnow]

I broke the cycle.

My kids are safe from the people who abused me.

I work in a supportive 'wounded healer' kind of role.

I'm incredibly relieved that my children won't get hurt like I did. That I had the strength to walk away etc etc. The few people who know my history tell me how brave I am.

But.

Lawks I feel tired of it all.

I'm not 'brave' I just would rather have been tortured again than see my kids be hurt by the family sex offender(s).

I hate being a 'victim' and I hate being a 'survivor'.

I just want to be uncomplicated. I don't want to have to have been the brave one who broke the cycle. What's it like just being normal, I wonder?

Do any other cycle breakers feel like this? I'm not the second coming ffs just got dealt a shitty hand and had to make it work and keep my kids safe.

I'm sorry to hear so many have been through the same but I feel so much less alone as part of this thread.

@Sssloou you've hit the nail on the head! It's all been about the hard work of moving on and doing something different. It's like I've forgotten how to rest. I had terrible CPTSD for a time and that puts you into straight survival mode - it's so hard to find joy when you're just getting through the day.

I echo what others say about nightmares. It's always there even when it's not there.

I blocked out a lot of my abuse and it came back to me as a semi kind of breakdown in my late 30s. I think it's made me fearful of relaxing and stopping looking over my shoulder now.

@oldstripeyNEWname1 Thanks for recommendation of Jess Taylor's book, I bought it a while ago but not steeled myself to read it yet.

It's a strange path to tread, isn't it? I think that being the cycle breaker requires so much hypervigilance and strength that you can lose your own self at times because you're constantly fighting a battle.

Family harassed us for several years after I told the truth. They only stopped when we involved the police earlier this year and they've been given a final warning. The message seems to have finally sunk in now but after battling for three years it's hard to trust that I can finally put the sword and shield down.

Yes you can now switch off the hyper vigilance when you feel you are ready - you have won the war - it was an exhausting long hard slog - but you and your children are physically safe now. You are physically out of the swamp. Maybe you need a rest / retreat to restore, reflect and re-centre before you set off again.

Maybe a little boost of therapy to deal with the cPTSD - which might be emotionally hijacking you - this is when your mind and body becomes flooded and overwhelmed with fear, hurt, anger - but these are emotional memories they need to fade away as you are not in physical threat today - or repackaged as sadness, sorrow that can be put to bed through the grieving process - grief for you as a child for what you experienced and how the people who should have cared about you the most silenced and rejected you - chose collusion, manipulation, betrayal, denial and lies.

That’s another level of trauma on top of the abuse. Processing this and then working towards acceptance is another stage of recovery and it has a different pace and energy to it. You have done brilliantly - it’s tough - it will get better - have a rest but don’t get stuck - know that when you are ready to walk the last lap (it’s a short one on the flat) your normal peaceful, joyous future is there to reward you.

Some really interesting comments. Solidarity with everyone, especially Gosh

Although it's caused me problems in relationship with my mother (insane jealousy), I've always been drawn to friendships/mentors older than me. My 2 closest friends now (of 30 years standing) are all old enough to be my mum. And excellent surrogate grandmothers. Even newer friendships tend to be with those 10-20 years older (although I work in older adult nursing!)

I do wonder if I was always searching for a better mother. Meanwhile, adoptive mum buys fridge magnets 'a mother is a daughters best friend'. No, no, and no again.

I once read that in situations like ours we have to 'mother ourselves.' Ironically, whilst I've been objectively viewed as a good mother, thst is what vexes, exhausts & terrifies me. That I am or will become my parents, that I cannot protect them from me. My birth mother was failed at the time of my birth, by the system, by lack of support, by what appears to be post partum psychosis. I had truly negligent Foster carers. I have a mental health condition, diagnosed retrospectively, caused by a complex mix of genetics biology, hormones, exacerbated by environment. Very well managed thanks to enlightened multidisciplinary team of fab GP, psych consultant who gives me a choice of meds to research & pick and brilliant psychological therapy team who encouraged me to learn more & more (I'm doing a mental health nursing masters).

Point is, I know I'm clever, articulate (legal training). I can put together an argument. Ever time I've challenged what's happened in my past, with family, apparently 'I'm being cruel and over emotional. Wtf? I' m not the one sobbing saying I've ruined her life. Or I'm only saying it because I'm depressed.

For many without the support I've had/got, gaslighting just continues.

Yeah, just exhausting.

And for 'friends' who don't get it, them saying 'oh I'm sure it can't be that bad eh?' Yes, it can. No, we werent beaten, we were dressed head to toe in Marks and Spencer, ate food from there. But my god, we had no choice what we wore, or ate and were made to feel bloody guilty for my mother's choice at the dink and scrub those white socks I hated clean of a tiny speck of dirt from the five minute of freedom walking home from school alone.

*sink

Perfection reigns

I'm deliberately not spell checking and editing my posts here but it is actually liberating to speak freely, emotionally.

I am so sorry for what you have all gone through.

I hear you all.

I can feel what you are feeling.

What some of you are saying about therapy, and the future, that's amazing. Inspirational.

The exhaustion. Oh the double think. Yeah, that's a killer.

Yep when other people put the lens of their own good-enough parents on it and try to gaslight you into thinking it wasn't that bad that's the real kicker isn't it @oldstripeyNEWname1 ?

It used to bother me a lot. Now I just think, I've had several years of therapy to understand it I know a lot better than someone who has heard a five minute précis and decided I must be mistaken because their own mother was actually really nice.

Even people who know about the sexual abuse will ask 'are you back in touch with your parents yet?'

Well no. Because I don't want my daughters being perved over and felt up the way I was. Seems pretty reasonable to me and yet still some people don't get it. I give up.

It's so so hard but necessary. And it gets easier over time. Narc parents and physical abuse from one parent. I'm LC with both sides of my family. Was NC for years with some members until a recent family funeral and will be going NC with those people again. One of my younger DC recently said it was my fault that they've never met one of their Grandparents, but they'll understand in time, as we've only able to give them age appropriate information up until now. Our eldest DC is aware of the dysfunction and understands. Eldest DC is still learning how to effectively handle the narcs that we're LC with.
I'm relived that I've broken the cycle and my partner and I are proud that we're bringing up our family in a loving happy home, where our children are allowed to be happy innocent children and are protected.
I'm luckily to have several cousins who are also LC & NC with some of the same family members which helps, as we can talk and support each other. A few of my longtime friends are aware, but not aware of how bad it was when I was a child. A few new friends are aware of the narc behaviour, minus the gory details.

I work in caring role re. protecting children.

Be kind to yourselves 💐

@oldstripeyNEWname1
I also have an insanely jealous Mother. They constantly feel the need to compete with me, discourage and diminish my achievements since childhood. I'm LC in order to protect myself and my mental health 💐