How can I find out if my partner is gambling?

[waterfordway]

My partner has a history of getting into debt.

I have just found out that he has racked up £18k debt in the last 12 months. He earns a good salary. There is no other logical explanation I can get to other than gambling. How can I find out? If I asked him, he would deny it. I asked before many years ago and he said he wasn't gambling but I just can't fathom what else it could be.

Drugs?

Are you staying with him?

Definitely not drugs

How did you find out about the debt?

How did you find out about the debt?

Peter I would ask how this debt came about and if I wasn't satisfied with the answer or he was evasive then I would leave him. If you're not married then that's even better.

Life is too short for this sort of shit.

*personally

Has he got another family or a child he may be hiding and sending money to?

It's good he's a dp and not a dh, so you're not liable to pay it. But it's annoying if you live together as he needs to pay towards the bills. Could you live separately while he sorts it out. Make sure your finances aren't tied to his.

Well he answered honestly, to my surprise. He's gambling.

If I had to ask that question then he wouldn't be my partner. £18k of bad debt in 12 months is terrifying.

Oh dear. Is he remorseful and do you think you can work through this?

Do you have joint finances and do you live together? If yes to either I can't imagine working through this due to the fact he has risked your financial security.

And if no I can't imagine working through it as it's such a huge amount this will be a long road and you'll essentially be supporting a recovering addict. It's a huge ask.

@Apolloanddaphne

Oh dear. Is he remorseful and do you think you can work through this?

Very remorseful, very ashamed. I hope he can work through this. He's the man I love and he has an addiction, I'm not going to abandon him right now. Feel sick to my stomach but hopefully he can overcome this.

@backseatcookers

Do you have joint finances and do you live together? If yes to either I can't imagine working through this due to the fact he has risked your financial security.

And if no I can't imagine working through it as it's such a huge amount this will be a long road and you'll essentially be supporting a recovering addict. It's a huge ask.

No linked finances, nor will there be now, probably ever.

i work in the gambling industry so might b able to help with regards self exclusions and the like if u want?

@welldonesquirrel any information would be really gratefully received, thank you

What is his explanation regarding the debt? Would he agree to going through his statements with you so you can work as a team to plan a repayment strategy?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he's explained. He has a gambling addiction.

Hi, I'm the addict, more than twenty years of active addiction and currently 3 years of no gambling.

It's terrifying and relentless, I've turned into a master liar and manipulator. I've damaged by health, physically and mentally and have had multiple fresh starts and bailouts.

Nothing ever helped until I was ready to face into the consequences of my choices, once and for all. It never felt like I had a choice at the time but ultimately I did.

I'm sorry you are facing this, I'd recommend credit reports, with alerts and visiting gamcare, there is a brilliant forum for friends and family, look out for post by cynical wife, lethe and merry go round - very helpful posts.

Finally do not believe a word he says, go only by actions.

I would not choose to be in a relationship with a gambler.

I'm sorry you are facing this but please do more research and fully protect yourself.

@Whyareblokesonhere to be honest what you've said about nothing helping until you were ready is what's struck a chord with me.

He obviously isn't ready to tackle the gambling or he'd have done it himself already!

What was the catalyst for you being ready, if you don't mind me asking?

I think it's really tough for addicts to want that enough until they hit rock bottom, and unfortunately having the soft place to land of a supportive partner often means they are enabled so they relapse.

I'm an ex addict, though not gambling, and the manipulation people are capable of while in the grips of it is incredible. Even after I stopped using, my tendency to pain myself as a victim and minimise the impact I had on others lasted for a long time.

If I had a supportive partner Im not sure I would ever have recovered as I think I would have found ways to facilitate my behaviour.

I know that sucks to hear but just good for you to hear it from the other side. Don't view a break up as 'abandoning' him, you would simply be sending the message that you don't feel it's fair or right for you to coach an addict through recovery.

If he had spent that money on heroin and been that addicted to drugs, you would find it easier to walk away because gambling feels somehow less scary. But to be in £18k of debt in such a short space of time means he has been incredibly deeply into this and it won't be a short or easy recovery, especially if he has a soft place to land and someone to enable him.

I don't mean to be negative as you sound lovely but addiction is brutal

How much are you willing to risk and sacrifice in order to "help" him, which as you already know, you can't help him with this?

We live apart. He has to manage his own rent, bills etc. I think he will hit financial rock bottom in about 6 months, IE maxed on all debt facilities and struggling to make payments.

@Aquamarine1029 I'm not prepared to risk or sacrifice anything. I will take holidays with my friends if he can't afford to take them due to his addiction and resulting debt. I will sacrifice presents and other material gifts from him, but they are unimportant to me. There is nothing else I will be risking or sacrificing. Maybe I'm being naive but thankfully we are financially totally separate and that's fine with me.

When he hits rock bottom, would you allow him to move in with you? I can almost guarantee he will try to push for that with tales of woe.

Make sure you check your credit report to ensure he hasn't opened any accounts or credit cards in your name. This happened to my cousin and her partner basically destroyed her life with his gambling addiction. She lost everything, including her home, and 10 years later she's still dealing with it. Gambling addicts are insanely clever and deceptive.