How can I find out if my partner is gambling?

[waterfordway]

My partner has a history of getting into debt.

I have just found out that he has racked up £18k debt in the last 12 months. He earns a good salary. There is no other logical explanation I can get to other than gambling. How can I find out? If I asked him, he would deny it. I asked before many years ago and he said he wasn't gambling but I just can't fathom what else it could be.

I think you would do him (and yourself) a huge favour if you dumped him and told him bluntly it was because of his gambling. How will he hit rock bottom if you put up with it? You can't help him. He can only help himself. If you dump him and he acknowledges his addiction and stops gambling then maybe in the future you could get back together. Staying with him through that will be hell.

@HollowTalk

I think you would do him (and yourself) a huge favour if you dumped him and told him bluntly it was because of his gambling. How will he hit rock bottom if you put up with it? You can't help him. He can only help himself. If you dump him and he acknowledges his addiction and stops gambling then maybe in the future you could get back together. Staying with him through that will be hell.

I agree. And what about the future? His credit rating will be shot so getting a joint mortgage would be a nightmare. Likewise if you have children the financial burden will fall to you if he relapses or is unable to hold down a job due to the fallout from his addiction issues. You sound lovely but while you're saying you're happy to sacrifice material things to stay with him, it's the mental toll that is the biggest sacrifice. I was an addict. Being with an addict before, during or even coming out of other side of their addiction (which he won't do until the debts are paid off as it will still be such a present anxiety and very real issue) is exhausting. Utterly exhausting. What if when he hits rock bottom in six months he begs you to lend him money just this once to avoid the debt accumulating? What if he relapses and is then in a very bad mental state relying on you as his source of comfort and security - you won't want to 'abandon' him then either. You have a chance relatively early on, before financial ties or children, to let him get himself sorted. You can always get back together when he's back on his feet. Anything else is unproductive and likely to see you hugely negatively affected.

This would be a deal breaker for me as I’d never trust him again. There’s not a cure for addicts, there’s always a chance of a relapse. Imagine him spending years getting out of this debt, only to find out further down the line that he’s started again. And people don’t tend to find out until the debt is so high that it can’t be hidden anymore. You have no children with this man, and you don’t live together. It would be so easy to walk away. That’s what I think you should do

He's now denying that he has a problem. Admitting to a debt/spending problem, but not a gambling problem. I can support him through getting better, but not if he's not at the point where he won't even admit to having an addiction. It's over and I'm heartbroken. He's the love of my life. This is fucking awful.

I'm so sorry, op, but this is par for the course. He showed fake shame and remorse because he knew that's what you wanted to see, but when pushed he denies everything, probably making it out that you're the one with the problem for worrying about his affairs. Sadly, he has a very long, nightmarish road in front of him.

I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

I personally don't see why this should be the end of your relationship as I can't see how he's hindered you yet.

Yes, I understand it could be difficult in the future but you know now and can make an informed decision. As you mentioned, holidays with friends etc if he can't afford. I think it's a nice way for you to look at it.

As someone who's been there for multiple things, including gambling, it's so easy to admit you have a problem because you want it in the open but you then fear that you've made yourself look weak or you'll never been allowed the drink/drugs/gambling again and try to backtrack that, yes, there's a problem to address but no, it's not a full blown addiction, it can be managed instead of stopped.

The amount of debt he has is an alarming rate and I'm quite lucky that I couldn't afford to do that to myself! But it's so easy to get into the hole.

Nobody on here knows your partner but you. I think the first step is to ask him to book a GP (I believe) appointment to discuss counselling. And make sure he allows you to go with him for support. He needs to be very open with you about everything, it's too easy to slip if not.

On the other hand, if you decide it's a dealbreaker and want to end things, it's your prerogative.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@waterfordway

He's now denying that he has a problem. Admitting to a debt/spending problem, but not a gambling problem. I can support him through getting better, but not if he's not at the point where he won't even admit to having an addiction. It's over and I'm heartbroken. He's the love of my life. This is fucking awful.

He already lying and manipulating. You're right to end things. I understand how painful this is and that you feel he's the love of your life, but remember even if he's your biggest love so far - you have the rest of your life ahead of you to meet the actual love of your life

@User43210 thanks. If he can't acknowledge it's even a problem right now then the road ahead does not look pretty. I'm prepared to support him to overcome his problem, I'm not prepared to be by his side if he's got further to descend because I don't know how long that descent is going to last and if I'm going to prolong his recovery be sticking around. I can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. I can't sit back and watch him get worse, this is heartbreaking enough where he has already got to.

I’ve been there, as the gambler, but not as much debt and very much kept on top of until I was just so depressed I came clean to DP. It wasn’t easy, but if he wants to make this relationship work he needs to show you his statements so you can see for yourself what the money has truly gone on. I showed my partner everything he needed to see because it was what he needed to help us get past it. 2 years on we have a baby and I am debt free and gamble free from the day I told him.

If he won’t share his finances with you OP, please leave. He is not ready to admit and crucially you will end up being affected not just financially but emotionally.

"If I asked him, he would deny."

So you know he has a debt and that if you asked him outright he would lie. Get the hell out. He will drag you down.

Hi, sorry for slow reply.

What made me want to stop?
I don't know. I guess I had just had enough.

I didn't get a thrill or buzz from gambling for years, I was emotionally dead to wins and losses, I was addicted to the drama, the chasing.
I grew tired, also I was at a cross roads and was seriously considering illegal activity to fund my addiction. I convinced myself I had no other choice.
Thankfully, in my story, I had people around me that could of helped financially, my sister in particular, she said no. She supported me in many other ways but she was also brutal, non compromising and very clear that she was not interested in any of my stories, they were all just a way of me manipulating her (and others)
She helped me learn a bit about addiction, she spoke to my wife about her and our children, she offered to buy them food, providing none would be for me.

She saved my life.

I finally just let go of my losses, I lost. The bookies won, well done them.

I don't know whether it is an illness, a disease or what it is, I do know that it is very powerful, it's not logical, rational or even understandable on so many levels.

Yet I always had a choice.

I chose to confess on the last occasion, every other time I had been rumbled. Always the day before I was going to confess anyway! (or so I told myself)
This time, I confessed and I have taken full ownership for all my previous choices.
I am still married but some days wonder how and three years down the line, I still am not sure it is the right choice, my actions have done so much damage. Financially I very nearly ruined us. I have taken opportunity away from my children.

Yet somehow I always managed to pay the bare essential (mortgage or rent) and council tax, on reflection that tells me I had the willpower to make a better choice, I just didn't.

Sorry, I'm rambling now but one other point, I still feel addicted, I am still an addict, I have not gambled for 1231 days now, not free money, not a raffle ticket. My wife (and my mother and my sister) can all access my emails, my bank account, my credit card, whether they do or not is up to them, financially I have nothing to hide. Knowing
that means I know if I slip up, I either confess or get found out. There will be consequences if that happens.

I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have

Pps, sorry promise a final point, tell whoever You want, it's not your secret to hide.

Hi OP

Not really got any advice as such but my DP sounds very similar. He is obsessed with money and has got into debt many times before the gambling started. I have told him many times of he gambles again thats it but when it comes to it i cant bare hurting him and he stays. Anyway due to this he is now banned from the bookies and online site and all his money goes into an account that i control. It is no fun i always have my suspicions that he is still getting people to gamble for him and quite frankly i feel like him mum rather than a partner a lot of the time due to him asking when he wants money.

[quote waterfordway]@User43210 thanks. If he can't acknowledge it's even a problem right now then the road ahead does not look pretty. I'm prepared to support him to overcome his problem, I'm not prepared to be by his side if he's got further to descend because I don't know how long that descent is going to last and if I'm going to prolong his recovery be sticking around. I can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. I can't sit back and watch him get worse, this is heartbreaking enough where he has already got to. [/quote]
You sound like a wonderful and reasonable partner. You know where your cut off is and I think it would be best if you sat with him and explained it all calmly.

Likelihood is, he knows he has a problem if it's that bad, but fears never being able to gamble again if he admits it's a full blown addiction and would rather find some middle ground (for example I could easily blow my whole wages on betting, but I resist mostly. Every now and then I will have a flutter but only because I'm not an addict, just have an addictive personality in general, so I will keep going and going but once I've stopped for the day, that's it)

I hope he can come to terms with his problem and it may take losing/almost losing him to be the catalyst to his recovery, but this could also have a negative affect.

I really hope things work out for you both as he's obviously worth the effort!