Sexual Coercion - perspective please

[GilbertMarkham]

Reading several threads on here recently has reminded me about some (to me) weird behaviour by an ex that has stuck in my head.

If I wasn't interested in having sex with him, he would act a bit huffy and annoyed, but most importantly, he would on occasion go and masturbate and in retrospect make it obvious he was doing so.

One occasion that sticks on my head was when we went on a break to a nice place, we had had sex at one point but later I think.i wasn't up for it and he made it clear he was going to masturbate (quite huffily to my memory) and he then did so in bathroom, with the door open I think. I remember being able to hear him and feeling uncomfortable and bemused (because no man I'd ever been in a relationship with had five anything like that ... They wouldn't almost announce they were going fir a wank and they would do it discretely/privately if they were).

Lots of other issues emerged in the relationship and it over those, but I've thought about this is increasingly every time I see a threads with sexual coercion on here and wonder; is that what that was.

Was it a weird type of (attempted) sexual coercion, and when I didn't say "oh dont go and wank, we'll do ABC" or not say anything but show myself to be up for it, he chose to do this weird passive aggressive thing of making it obvious he was wanking or wanting me to hear it?

It's hard to describe, it was almost like "fuck you" wanking .

[SoulofanAggron]

@heartache590 Huffing is not ok. I mean, inwardly huff but not making an outward display of your mood.

If you had a sneaky wank then fair enough, esp. as it is well known to make it easier too sleep.

It's making a 'thing' of it to make a point to someone which is unpleasant.

[heartache590]

@SoulofanAggron In all honesty, i didnt see an issue with expressing disappointment, but alas - we learn something as we go.

Definitely see now how she could have misconstrued it. Always learning!

[Sockmonster23]

I don’t know what to make of this but when I was pregnant with my 2nd child my ex Came home from a night out one night, I was pregnant and around 6 months already and he just didn’t even ask me or anything just wanted anal , I was shattered and trying to sleep and he done it anyway.. I didn’t say no stop as at this stage I was used to him and his ways. I think I remember feeling very hurt and cried but I was pregnant. Then I got pregnant with child 3, just gave birth and he kept mentioning a single mum at the school run as I had a birth where My youngest was stuck and it was traumatic And sex was off the cards. He just made me feel paranoid and terrible. Left him last year with help and mumsnet as well. I couldn’t see how abusive he really was In other ways because when he was nice it was lovely but bad it was worse than ever.

I now know he was coercive and even post partum I felt I had please him as he was so sly about saying stuff , I was actually afraid of losing him 🙄 he made little digs.. he is good looking yes and made me feel so bad at times I just gave in.. I’m not a prude either but he was too much.

[MsJinks]

Such sad stories - that will continue until it is widely and publicly viewed as unacceptable. I am glad people on here recognise and discuss. The one discussion re sex required in marriage that I will take to my grave is my mother in law telling me I wasn’t giving her son sufficient sex and advising me how she ensured his dad got enough - god how I cringed at age 23 - it was also so far from the reality of our sex life as I understood it that I spent a long time worrying I had it all wrong if he was confident enough to discuss it with his mother! I left him that year, over 30 years ago now but whilst I’m open about refuges and ‘violence’ and going through that and having a life after, as I think it’s important have this info out there as stuff that happens, I do keep the sex stuff involved to myself, as it makes folk very, very uncomfortable.

[SoulofanAggron]

he just didn’t even ask me or anything just wanted anal , I was shattered and trying to sleep and he done it anyway.. I didn’t say no stop as at this stage I was used to him and his ways

@Sockmonster23 That is rape hun, a lot of women don't say no, it's the freeze or flop response and is a survival response. www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/

I do keep the sex stuff involved to myself, as it makes folk very, very uncomfortable.

@MsJinks Some people are weird about it but a lot of people are pretty good maybe? It can be upsetting when close friends are unhelpful/don't seem to understand. But sexual abuse is one of the most scarring things women experience as survivors and we can have a lot of emotions around it- a lot of women feel shame etc, personally I think I mostly feel angry.

[MsJinks]

SoulofanAggron- don’t know how to quote! Yes people I shared with are mainly ok, except one ex who really wanted way too many details - I meant more in general conversation- I will say ‘oh I was in a refuge’ or ‘yeah I moved due to going into a refuge’ quite casually, if relevant to a conversation! - Just trying to get it out there a bit, as something that happens but no need to be shamed by it, encourages others who may hide their issues I hope. It’s so long ago I’m pretty dispassionate about it now - and I can be about the sex stuff as well thus far on - just I can’t imagine colleagues or friends faces if I drop it into casual conversation- I don’t really expand in the refuge to that point either. Same ex as got off on the details was emphatic about me not letting anyone know anything and not to mention refuge/leaving as it makes people judge! Meant to add in my original post that it won’t move on whilst women buy into the man ‘needing’ sex, times really haven’t evolved enough on this yet - from what I read/hear about relationships of the much younger generation to me - very sad and depressing. Thank you for the answer - though I’m ok now it’s still good to see my actions were reasonable all those moons ago - though awful it happens so much.