Sexual Coercion - perspective please

[GilbertMarkham]

Reading several threads on here recently has reminded me about some (to me) weird behaviour by an ex that has stuck in my head.

If I wasn't interested in having sex with him, he would act a bit huffy and annoyed, but most importantly, he would on occasion go and masturbate and in retrospect make it obvious he was doing so.

One occasion that sticks on my head was when we went on a break to a nice place, we had had sex at one point but later I think.i wasn't up for it and he made it clear he was going to masturbate (quite huffily to my memory) and he then did so in bathroom, with the door open I think. I remember being able to hear him and feeling uncomfortable and bemused (because no man I'd ever been in a relationship with had five anything like that ... They wouldn't almost announce they were going fir a wank and they would do it discretely/privately if they were).

Lots of other issues emerged in the relationship and it over those, but I've thought about this is increasingly every time I see a threads with sexual coercion on here and wonder; is that what that was.

Was it a weird type of (attempted) sexual coercion, and when I didn't say "oh dont go and wank, we'll do ABC" or not say anything but show myself to be up for it, he chose to do this weird passive aggressive thing of making it obvious he was wanking or wanting me to hear it?

It's hard to describe, it was almost like "fuck you" wanking .

[MsJinks]

SoulofanAggron- don’t know how to quote! Yes people I shared with are mainly ok, except one ex who really wanted way too many details - I meant more in general conversation- I will say ‘oh I was in a refuge’ or ‘yeah I moved due to going into a refuge’ quite casually, if relevant to a conversation! - Just trying to get it out there a bit, as something that happens but no need to be shamed by it, encourages others who may hide their issues I hope. It’s so long ago I’m pretty dispassionate about it now - and I can be about the sex stuff as well thus far on - just I can’t imagine colleagues or friends faces if I drop it into casual conversation- I don’t really expand in the refuge to that point either. Same ex as got off on the details was emphatic about me not letting anyone know anything and not to mention refuge/leaving as it makes people judge! Meant to add in my original post that it won’t move on whilst women buy into the man ‘needing’ sex, times really haven’t evolved enough on this yet - from what I read/hear about relationships of the much younger generation to me - very sad and depressing. Thank you for the answer - though I’m ok now it’s still good to see my actions were reasonable all those moons ago - though awful it happens so much.

[SoulofanAggron]

he just didn’t even ask me or anything just wanted anal , I was shattered and trying to sleep and he done it anyway.. I didn’t say no stop as at this stage I was used to him and his ways

@Sockmonster23 That is rape hun, a lot of women don't say no, it's the freeze or flop response and is a survival response. www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/

I do keep the sex stuff involved to myself, as it makes folk very, very uncomfortable.

@MsJinks Some people are weird about it but a lot of people are pretty good maybe? It can be upsetting when close friends are unhelpful/don't seem to understand. But sexual abuse is one of the most scarring things women experience as survivors and we can have a lot of emotions around it- a lot of women feel shame etc, personally I think I mostly feel angry.

[MsJinks]

Such sad stories - that will continue until it is widely and publicly viewed as unacceptable. I am glad people on here recognise and discuss. The one discussion re sex required in marriage that I will take to my grave is my mother in law telling me I wasn’t giving her son sufficient sex and advising me how she ensured his dad got enough - god how I cringed at age 23 - it was also so far from the reality of our sex life as I understood it that I spent a long time worrying I had it all wrong if he was confident enough to discuss it with his mother! I left him that year, over 30 years ago now but whilst I’m open about refuges and ‘violence’ and going through that and having a life after, as I think it’s important have this info out there as stuff that happens, I do keep the sex stuff involved to myself, as it makes folk very, very uncomfortable.

[Sockmonster23]

I don’t know what to make of this but when I was pregnant with my 2nd child my ex Came home from a night out one night, I was pregnant and around 6 months already and he just didn’t even ask me or anything just wanted anal , I was shattered and trying to sleep and he done it anyway.. I didn’t say no stop as at this stage I was used to him and his ways. I think I remember feeling very hurt and cried but I was pregnant. Then I got pregnant with child 3, just gave birth and he kept mentioning a single mum at the school run as I had a birth where My youngest was stuck and it was traumatic And sex was off the cards. He just made me feel paranoid and terrible. Left him last year with help and mumsnet as well. I couldn’t see how abusive he really was In other ways because when he was nice it was lovely but bad it was worse than ever.

I now know he was coercive and even post partum I felt I had please him as he was so sly about saying stuff , I was actually afraid of losing him 🙄 he made little digs.. he is good looking yes and made me feel so bad at times I just gave in.. I’m not a prude either but he was too much.

[heartache590]

@SoulofanAggron In all honesty, i didnt see an issue with expressing disappointment, but alas - we learn something as we go.

Definitely see now how she could have misconstrued it. Always learning!

[SoulofanAggron]

@heartache590 Huffing is not ok. I mean, inwardly huff but not making an outward display of your mood.

If you had a sneaky wank then fair enough, esp. as it is well known to make it easier too sleep.

It's making a 'thing' of it to make a point to someone which is unpleasant.

[heartache590]

There is a balance in it. I would openly say i probably huffed a bit if the ex said no, and would deal with myself discreetly downstairs in a locked bathroom!

The reason being is sleeping in a bed with her with the wrong 'brain' being alert meant I wouldnt sleep!

Tbh, i hadnt even considered her view might be similar to pp. I now wonder if she knew....

[ConfusedNoMore]

@trogladite "My stbxh did this after the birth of my daughter, silent treatment for days until i had sex. I cried through it cause i was in so much pain, he cracked on then after he was done was all 'awww are you ok?' And gave me a hug. After hed knowingly put me through intense pain when i wasnt ready. Its sick - and its not "less bad" because he didnt physically force me, it makes it harder to heal from in many ways (or different rather than harder, but certainly not easier)"

You are 100% correct and I'm sorry if my post up thread implied anything else. I also suffered this from my ex post partum. I remember clenching my teeth through the pain after congratulating myself for getting baby to sleep so we could find a window to have sex. He stopped when I kept wincing in pain and said "this is shit" before abruptly pulling out leaving me in tears as he went back to his computer. I felt like nothing. He had no empathy at all. But he was v abusive in many ways. Because some of us have had more going on, doesn't mean we should take away from other's experiences.

[trogladite]

That anecdote was one of the worst occasions btw, i had 9 years of passive agressive coercion into sex prior to that... and he wondered why i never wanted it - he actually blamed me, and i believed it!

[trogladite]

Its not okay to say that this type of sexual coercion isnt as bad. It makes you feel as used and disgusting as more 'physical'sexual assaults and you havent even got the 'kudos' to say heres the bruises/heres the evidence cause although you both know its happening they deny it.

Its psychological abuse in one of its most sinister forms.


My stbxh did this after the birth of my daughter, silent treatment for days until i had sex. I cried through it cause i was in so much pain, he cracked on then after he was done was all 'awww are you ok?' And gave me a hug. After hed knowingly put me through intense pain when i wasnt ready. Its sick - and its not "less bad" because he didnt physically force me, it makes it harder to heal from in many ways (or different rather than harder, but certainly not easier)

[SoulofanAggron]

He was a genuinely abusive twat.

@Doyoumind It certainly sounds like it. Glad you're free.

[Doyoumind]

Gilbert it was to make sure that if I wouldn't have sex with him he was going to make sure I never felt comfortable having sex with anyone ever again. Plus he would get upset, apologise and then go for the make up sex angle. He was a genuinely abusive twat.

[GilbertMarkham]

I would throw a bucket of cold water over him when he goes to "relieve himself" in the bathroom with the door open.

I should have.

[GilbertMarkham]

My ex would nag and nag and call me a disgusting, ugly bitch

So that was going to make you likely to want to have sex then or in the future?

And chauvinist men think they're more logical than women.

[Pokske]

Yuck what a bastard. I would throw a bucket of cold water over him when he goes to "relieve himself" in the bathroom with the door open. We are not animals but he really does behave like one.

[SoulofanAggron]

so I suppose there are degrees to everything.

@Doyoumind I think most degrees of it are unacceptable and dumping offences. At most they could be told once that it's not ok, then when they do it again, dumped.

I even feel uncomfortable when I hear of someone asking/telling their partner they want more sex. Even if the person said it nicely, the person being asked would still feel a degree of pressure.
-
Another reason I'm happily single is I CBA with the 'chores' of sex. Like you mightn't feel like giving oral or manual sex for long one time, if at all that day or whatever, but you feel you have to do it as it's expected as part of sex.

There are some women who don't give oral at all. I kind of admire them for that. I mean, I know some people like it but I think for a lot of women it's a chore, at least some of the time. I have a friend whose wife doesn't do it. He is quite happy with what they do do.

[Doyoumind]

My ex would nag and nag and call me a disgusting, ugly bitch if I wouldn't so I suppose there are degrees to everything.

[Shirley2020]

Just found out well basically caught my husband red handed having a wank watching porn. He blames STRESS where as hes been neglecting me for past 2 years only having sex maybe once a fortnight ...no intimacy whatsoever not even a kiss or a cuddle ...and now I know why it was because the basket has been getting his thrills from watching porn and then on the poor occasion he did think of me was wen he actually wanted to feel a physical presence around his manhood he would get me to 'jump start' his motor ...I am crying as I text this .. .for 2 years I'm thinking that my poor hubby is tired overworked stressed and feeling low ...how fkn stupid was I 😢

[SoulofanAggron]

@iamthrough OP said he also did the 'huffs.' So it is as much coercion as the incident you describe with your ex in that respect. More so when on top of that he was doing the stropping off to have a wank.

[GilbertMarkham]

Kind of depends how the rest of his behaviour was

The relationship ended for various reasons but he was also controlling, insecure, jealous etc. (At least he was trying to be controlling and we were clashing because of it).
The longer I was in a relationship with him, the more chauvinist I found him.
He was also prone to temper outbursts, he describes himself as "fiery" but "there's no harm in me and that's what matters".

[GilbertMarkham]

There's seems to be a. "you won't have sex with me so look what I have to do!" mentality that seems childish and entitled (and back to passive aggressive) behind it.

[GilbertMarkham]

Im trying to imagine, if my partner didn't want to have sex on a particular occasion; going and masturbating with or without sex toys in sight or hearing distance of them, then leaving lubricant or tissues or something lying around in their way ....and I can't; because I'd feel pathetic and petty and quite aggressive. No such concerns for them apparently.

[peonyfairy03]

My ExH was like this he thought that as his wife it was my duty the same as washing up and cooking. He would then mastabate when I went up to bed in the lounge and leave the dirty tissues on the work top for me to clean up the next morning.

[Sakurami]

2 of my exes got huffy if I didn't want to have sex. And I stopped wanting to have sex with them because of that behaviour and also because we weren't intimate emotionally so I didn't want to have it. Whereas if I'm happy with them and feel connected and they put effort into our relationship, I have a high sex drive.