Grandmother-in-law - what to do?

[Lovecat]

This is a bit of a weird one and I really don't know how best to proceed, so if anyone who's been through something similar can advise...?

Quick background - my OH's GM (on his dad's side) lives a long way away, accessible only by long train/car journey, then a ferry, then a bus/taxi. Although FIL is a very devoted son and visits her regularly, none of his 3 adult children do - apparently she's 'mean' and 'strict' and 'old-fashioned'. She's 91. OH's mum died suddenly when they were 12, 8 and 6 respectively and she ended up looking after the younger 2 (OH is the eldest) for a year until FIL got things sorted out. They both speak of her with a certain amount of wariness and to my knowledge, none of them have seen her in the last 15 years - certainly she's only ever met one of her 6 gg-children.

I don't have any grandparents - my last one died when I was 4 and I have nothing but lovely memories of her, so I'm sure that I'm coloured by that, but I feel it's a little bit odd to never go near your oldest living relative like that?

Anyway, 2 years ago when dd was born, despite my OH telling me not to bother, I sent her some photos (I sent just about everyone I'd ever exchanged glances with a photo of dd when she was born, I was that proud!) and got a message back through FIL that she was really thrilled with them. Since then I've sent her photos when I've sent them to other members of the family, with a similar response. I've never actually spoken to this lady, and I just feel very weird about the whole thing!

Now, to the crux of the matter... OH has a business trip next week on a Friday, to the island where his GM lives. He was grumbling about having to trek all that way and back on a Friday, so I said why not make a weekend of it, we'll travel up by train/boat on the same day and meet you there, book into a nice b&b, explore the island (apparently it's beautiful, a part of the world I've never been to). And.. um... maybe visit your GM while we're there?

He was all for it til I said that, then got really squirmy and wouldn't talk about it other than to say 'oh, you don't know what she's like' 'you'll hate her' 'she's Victorian about children' and such.

Well, I was only intending a half-hour to an hour at most, it's not like we have to stay there, she's an old lady who's almost blind, I just thought it might be nice for her to meet her great-grandchild...

I know full well that there are toxic parents and grandparents out there - but as OH can't give me anything really concrete (the worst thing my SIL can tell me about her is that when she stayed with her 15 years ago with her 1 yr old PFB, she came down in the morning and 'a breakfast place hadn't been laid for PFB' - which to me is a slightly crazy thing to get offended by, but apparently SIL left in a huff and hasn't been back...), do I continue to (gently) push for a visit to GMs, or do I leave it? If she's truly vile, then I'll walk out, but for half an hour?? Will it kill him?

Or is there something here I'm missing...?

Any advice on how to resolve this, because it seems mental to me that he'll be going all that way (and would like us to come to!) and not go 10 mins up the road to visit his GM!

come too, that is

Yes do go. It sounds like she really appreciates the photographs you send and surely your children should have the chance to meet their great-grandmother. If your OH doesn't have any good reason for not doing it I think you should go for it.
You sound like a lovely person for wanting to include her btw.

It seems a shame that he can't settle a grudge with an old lady like that. My Grandad is 94 and his health is failing, and one of his few sources of joy these days are his four great-grandchildren. Is it possible she could have mellowed in the last 15 years. And like you say half an hour out of what should be a really lovely family weekend is not a lot.

i would go. you've got nothing to lose - if things are not to your liking, you can just leave. and at least you'll know then. i think you might regret it if you don't.

Thanks - I'm not that lovely!

I was actually considering, if he really can't bear to be in his GM's company, just going there myself with dd anyway, as, like you've said, I'd like her to know her GGM - or is this too sneaky? I don't want to go behind his back, or deliberately go against his wishes, but this just feels so daft!

Has anyone asked her? She might not want 3 people she doesn't know descending on her, espec. with kids. Even half an hour might be too much for her, putting kettles on and stuff, people that age do like everything just so. It might be just as much a strain for her as it is for your other half. I think I would push to go with him, but see if you can't just check the place out first. She might be nutts and live with 70 cats!

LOL, sparkybabe!

I wouldn't dream of us just turning up - sorry if it came over that way! - it was always planned that I ask (via his dad, as OH doesn't have her number) if it was okay to come for a tiny visit well in advance, she lives with OH's uncle & aunt so it's not like she'd have to be running around after us - in fact, I was going to suggest that we take her out for lunch somewhere (til OH started the squirmy stuff)!

(btw, dd would be in 7th heaven if her GGM were a mad cat-lady, but I fear the reality is slightly more lace doily-fied...)

Well I think you do indeed sound lovely - and good on you - she is a very old lady and surely now is the time to let bygones be bygones (whatever they were not a lot is truly unforgiveable unless serious abuse??)....I made my peace with my abusive father when my DD was born and have never regretted it - he seems to be making the most of his second chance with his GD and very excited about no2
A short visit won't hurt good on you go for it make an old lady's year...even if she is a miserable old bat I bet she will appreciate it and it is always good for kids to see where they come from

I am sorry but I do not think that you are treating your husband with respect here.

How would you like it if a relative had treated you badly to the extent that you were not willing to talk to even your partner about it, and then your partner insisted that you go see that relative.

I also find it slightly disrespectful that he asked you not to send a picture and you have continuously done so!!??

Please see it from his point of view. Is he really the kind of person that is willing to hold a grudge over something insignificant? Is he that bad a person? Why do you not trust him?

is it just that HE doesn't want to see her? couldn't you agree to go with the kids, and say he was working so couldn't join you, if he was ok with that?

I didn't read it as her OH saying she mustn't send a photo. More that he wasn't urging her to do so.
Don't think that lovecat is being disrespectful.

Bless you Pooka - that's exactly how it was - I was sending off photos to all and sundry and said 'shall I send one to your GM?' - his reaction was 'if you want, but she won't be interested'. If he'd forbidden it (and I'm laughing as I type at the very idea of him doing that, that is so not my OH!), I should have wanted to know why.

Maisemor, I'm also laughing at the idea that this betokens a lack of trust or respect in our marriage - if your OH made a request to you that was, on the surface, not particularly reasonable, and then refused to give a reason for it, would you really 'respect' him and go along with it? Or would you expect him to treat you like an adult and tell you why?

I suppose I just find it hard to understand why he doesn't want dd to see her, when he has said himself that she's not an evil old bag, there was no abuse, just that when they were kids she was very strict, very proper, and very 'children should be seen and not heard'. Which, given it was linked to the time just after their mother's death, probably didn't dispose them to liking her very much. That I do understand, but it was was 30 years ago and even if those feelings are still present, surely he can separate them from any relationship she might have with her GGD?

He's said in the past that GM won't even want to see dd, which, if that's the case, then fine, but surely she should be given the opportunity to say so?

Pregnantgrrrl, that's the option (going without him) that I'm going to put to him tonight - we shall see what transpires!

I would certainly go - unless DH gives some concrete reasons not to - without him if necessary if it comes to that.

That said I'm a little old fashioned and strongly believe in giving grandparents or great-grandparents their time! After all so many of us don't have any...(like me!)

I think it's a lovely thing to do - I'm sure she would love it - and it gives dd a chance to meet her before she becomes "just someone in a picture".

No advice but I think it's a lovely idea to meet her and let her meet her ggchild, even if dp doesn't want to be there.

I think the highlight of m grans last years was getting to know her GGD - even if the last stages of dementia she always seemed to now who she was and my DD (who was only little) seemed to have an uncanny patience with her...am so glad that my DD has real memories of her GGM...I know slightly different situation as I adored my GM....but would still say is worth the effort ..

Laugh all you like Lovecat, but as I said before try putting the shoe on the other foot here. Your husband does not want to see/meet with her, you are insisting as far as I can see. Thereby not listening and respecting your husband's opinion about his relative.

Fact still remains your husband does not like her, even though he has not explained why.
He is not the only "child" not to like her ("Although FIL is a very devoted son and visits her regularly, none of his 3 adult children do - apparently she's 'mean' and 'strict' and 'old-fashioned").

Quote from your first post: "despite my OH telling me not to bother, I sent her some photos" that is not the same as telling you not to bother.

Why don't you say to him, Look, you are just being too vague here. You've told me nothing that explains your attitude. Either there is a problem or there isn't. So either explain to me exactly WHY she is a horrible person, and doesn't deserve to meet our children, or I'm taking the kids up there with or without you.

Maybe she made them do lots of chores and go to bed at 7pm or maybe she beat them with a poker and locked them in the cellar. Or anything inbetween. Tell him you need specifics in order to understand and if he can't give you any you have to assume that's because there aren't any.

sorry - didn't realise your oh really didn't want you to meet her. i'd respect his wishes even if they don't seem valid to you. he may not be in a position to disclose details.

i'd tell him that i thought it was odd, but let it go.

rofl at my last comment. Apparently playing Barbie with my daughter is more important than proof reading what I post on here

Tend to agree with Maisemoor. Just because this woman is a relative it doesn't mean your oh has to like her or want to spend any time with her. It is not as if she has taken any interest in him over the years either. She obviously failed to provide any loving or nurturing when he was forced to live with her. He owes her nothing.

'He owes her nothing.'

That is a desperately sad sentiment. What kind of world would we live in if nobody gave anyone a jot of simple kindness more than they were 'owed'. How much kindness would any of us be shown if it had got to be measured out in strict proportion to our just deserts.
Lovecat wants to reach out to an old and frail old lady, and, incidentally allow her children to have what may be their only opportunity to meet their great-grandmother. I think she is to be applauded.

How many relatives have treated you so badly that you wanted nothing to do with them ever again RosaTransylvania?

Actually Maisiemor, I have a very elderly uncle who has behaved very badly to my family in the past and caused a lot of heartache. He is now very frail and ill and we are all exceedingly kind to him - it is what I call simple humanity.
My mother was treated very badly by her own father, but again she had him to live with us and looked after him when he was old and ill. I admired her greatly for it.
And Lovecat's DH has never said that his grandmother treated him badly - just that she was strict and oldfashioned.

Good for you Transilvania, and I mean it, but could you please accept that not all people are finding the whole forgive and forget saying easy, natural or in some cases possible.

Just respect your husbands wishes.

If you dont mind, I do have a similar story, but it is going to be long.

My father (now 80) grew up on a farm. My grandfather, his dad was the owner of the farm, and he lived there together with his mum, his dad, his brother, and his three spinster aunts. By law my uncle (fathers brother) would be the legal owner of the farm should their dad pass away. My granddad used to go out on the artic ocean with a fishing boat in winter (no farming, too much snow) for extra income. His boat capsized, and he was assumed dead. My fathers aunts threw the widow (my grandmother) and her two sons out of the farm and made them homeless. Not being able to afford legal help, my grandmother took her sons home to her ancestral home where she started working as a seamstress. During the war my father was a child operative in the resistance. Long story, but his group was betrayed and he had to flee, and was living in a shack on the border between norway and finland. He had received radio training, and survived by going into the villages to do odd jobs and repairs radios so people could listen to news from London. On his birthday, he was in the area of his home, and went to three three aunts and asked if he could please have some eggs (they had hens) as another neighour had promised she could bake him a cake if he had eggs. Sure, his aunts said, and they had him chop wood the whole day in return for the promise of an egg, and by evening, after having worked a whole day without food, on his birthday when he asked for his egg, they laughed and told him to bugger off. He was a teenager. And went back to his shack hungry, tired, alone, and utterly in despair of the treatment he received from his own family.

As I child, I was begging to go see the three aunts on the farm by the sea, he always refused. It took a long time for the story to unveil. Years of hurt. Talking about it did not help my father, he just relived the pain.

I have not been thinking about this for a long time, and now I am in tears and shall go eat cake.

Maybe you should just leave it?