Grandmother-in-law - what to do?

[Lovecat]

This is a bit of a weird one and I really don't know how best to proceed, so if anyone who's been through something similar can advise...?

Quick background - my OH's GM (on his dad's side) lives a long way away, accessible only by long train/car journey, then a ferry, then a bus/taxi. Although FIL is a very devoted son and visits her regularly, none of his 3 adult children do - apparently she's 'mean' and 'strict' and 'old-fashioned'. She's 91. OH's mum died suddenly when they were 12, 8 and 6 respectively and she ended up looking after the younger 2 (OH is the eldest) for a year until FIL got things sorted out. They both speak of her with a certain amount of wariness and to my knowledge, none of them have seen her in the last 15 years - certainly she's only ever met one of her 6 gg-children.

I don't have any grandparents - my last one died when I was 4 and I have nothing but lovely memories of her, so I'm sure that I'm coloured by that, but I feel it's a little bit odd to never go near your oldest living relative like that?

Anyway, 2 years ago when dd was born, despite my OH telling me not to bother, I sent her some photos (I sent just about everyone I'd ever exchanged glances with a photo of dd when she was born, I was that proud!) and got a message back through FIL that she was really thrilled with them. Since then I've sent her photos when I've sent them to other members of the family, with a similar response. I've never actually spoken to this lady, and I just feel very weird about the whole thing!

Now, to the crux of the matter... OH has a business trip next week on a Friday, to the island where his GM lives. He was grumbling about having to trek all that way and back on a Friday, so I said why not make a weekend of it, we'll travel up by train/boat on the same day and meet you there, book into a nice b&b, explore the island (apparently it's beautiful, a part of the world I've never been to). And.. um... maybe visit your GM while we're there?

He was all for it til I said that, then got really squirmy and wouldn't talk about it other than to say 'oh, you don't know what she's like' 'you'll hate her' 'she's Victorian about children' and such.

Well, I was only intending a half-hour to an hour at most, it's not like we have to stay there, she's an old lady who's almost blind, I just thought it might be nice for her to meet her great-grandchild...

I know full well that there are toxic parents and grandparents out there - but as OH can't give me anything really concrete (the worst thing my SIL can tell me about her is that when she stayed with her 15 years ago with her 1 yr old PFB, she came down in the morning and 'a breakfast place hadn't been laid for PFB' - which to me is a slightly crazy thing to get offended by, but apparently SIL left in a huff and hasn't been back...), do I continue to (gently) push for a visit to GMs, or do I leave it? If she's truly vile, then I'll walk out, but for half an hour?? Will it kill him?

Or is there something here I'm missing...?

Any advice on how to resolve this, because it seems mental to me that he'll be going all that way (and would like us to come to!) and not go 10 mins up the road to visit his GM!

What a sad story Scary - I'm glad your father has found happiness later in his life.

I can't put myself in your position, the only thing that I do believe is that you get what you give - treat people with kindness and understanding, and it comes back to you. Bit too simplistic for this situation though.

I hope you and your dh come to a decision you're both happy with Lovecat.

Rosa - of course I'm not advocating that no-one ever should act out of pure altruism. I'm just pointing out that if the oh doesn't want to have anything to do with his grandmother then why should he given the history. I don't agree with 'blood thicker than water' no matter what. There have been enough threads on MN about toxic parents to show that we shouldn't have to love our relatives blindly.
I have to say that I also have a slight problem with the presumption that if someone is old and frail they should automatically be forgiven for any past deeds and that frailness somehow equates to goodness.At the risk of overdramatisation ( and I am not equating the oh's grandmother with such people) there have been people guilty of war crimes who have tried to use their frailness as a way to escape censure.

Lovecat,

I would tread carefully here; your other half stands a real risk of getting hurt again but your desire to meet this woman.

It is telling to me that she used an intermediary to thank you for the photos and continued to do so. Why could she not tell you herself?.

I realise you are curious about this woman and would like your daughter to meet her but you also need to take heed of your OH's words here.

He though needs to tell you the full story of his time there; I get the impression it was deeply unhappy. I think though his error was to tell you that, "you'll hate her"; this just ignited your curiosity even more.

She is probably too old to be vile to you these days but it does not mean to say that she was not toxic in the past. As another poster has pointed out, some people use frailness to escape censure.

Oh, this has grown a bit since I last looked in... and I'm afraid this is going to be a long one to answer some of the points made.

I'd like to apologise for not making myself crystal clear (difficult without giving an entire family history!), and so shall type the following in single sentences, for absolute clarity:

My OH did not go and live with his GM after his mum's death, he stayed with his dad on the mainland.

His younger siblings did go and live with her, as his dad could not hold down his job and cope with 3 children (this was the early 1970's, I don't think there was a lot of help offered or even available).

Apparently what was said to the younger two(by pretty much every adult they came across, bar their father) was that they were very 'lucky' that their GM took them in because their dad would have been within his rights to put them all into a home - apparently back then a man wasn't expected to look after his children on his own (WTF??). This was repeated to my OH when he went to visit them.

Appalling, but in the context of the times, I can kind of see what they were saying (albeit really, really badly!).

Now.... we had a long a chat about it, and there was no abuse. There was no deliberate nastiness. There was simply a very stiff-upper-lip, straight-laced, old-fashioned woman who had 2 traumatised children who needed a lot more than she was able to give them landed on her (no counselling back then either). Their grandfather was alive at the time, not quite so stiff and they all have wonderful memories of him.

my OH has said that the main reason he's reluctant to visit her is because he hasn't seen her in so long and is, frankly, embarrassed that he hasn't kept in touch.

I told him him that if there was any reason why he felt we shouldn't see her, then of course I would respect that.

He said no, there wasn't, it was just that she could be a bit forbidding when he was a child and it all got a bit tangled up with the much bigger trauma of their mum's death.

He thinks it would be a good idea for dd to meet GM, if GM is up to it (she's in respite care quite a lot so this may well be all academic anyway!).

Attila, the reason she thanked me through my FIL that one time (again, my fault for not making it clear ) is that he happened to be up there when she received the photos and she doesn't have a phone. I have received numerous hand-written cards from her in the meantime and we exchange Christmas cards.

I must point out that the OH's family as a whole are fairly ...um... how can I put this politely?... lacking when it comes to communication skills. He can go months without speaking to his dad or sibs, all of whom he has excellent relationships with, he just relies on me to keep in touch week on week. Apparently 'that's just what we're like' and there's nothing sinister behind it. Honest.

[and I did not want to bring this up as I did not think it strictly relevant, but to all those who say I should think of it from his position, I have pretty damn toxic parents myself, and only since having my own child am I able to distance myself from their game-playing between myself and my sibs. So actually I HAVE put myself in his position and of course I would not force him to see his GM if anything the slightest bit wrong had gone on.

I'm truly sorry that your father had to go through what he did, Starry. That's awful

But this situation is nothing like that.]

And for anyone who's made it to the end of that - I salute your persistance!

Glad everyone's happy again , hope you enjoy the trip over there.

Glad you got things clearer Lovevcat - I hope it works out for you all.