DP didn’t stop immediately

[Soxandseven]

Posting here because I can’t hack AIBU.
I need some help because I don’t know how to feel. This is probably too much information and details our sex life, so please don’t read on if you don’t want to, but I need to give a whole picture. Any advice or words of wisdom would really help right now.

Myself and DP rarely have sex due to some physical, and mental, issues I have been having and I know he misses that aspect of our relationship a lot. There are a couple of traumatic things that have happened to me in the past in relation to assault and some reproductive things that don’t help with my attitude towards sex. I want to want to have sex, but I don’t, I panic instead and tense up so it hurts. He’s a brilliant partner and we’ve been through an awful lot, always there to help or listen, does anything I or we need and I feel loved and cared for and at home with him.

However, last night we had sex and I feel off about it today but I don’t know if I’m just thinking too much and linking the incident with other things. We used to have a really active sex life and a healthy mix of ‘loving romantic’ sex but also more demanding and I suppose rougher sex. Because of how it is at the moment I don’t want to engage in the latter and need to feel safe, I’m not ready to be chucked about... last night started fine and he began being a bit rougher mid way through, that was fine and we were both enjoying it. He turned me over and was close to finishing so was even rougher and I don’t know if it was the angle but coupled together, I felt what felt like a little tear and was very painful and it all became to much. My face was in the pillow and I panicked, I couldn’t speak at least not quickly so I don’t think I said anything apart from muffled panic, but I wanted it all to stop. I bent my legs to push DP back and a second or two later he finished. It was a matter of seconds and I didn’t know if he knew I even wanted him to stop, but after there was a weird awkwardness like he knew what I wanted but was also 1 second away so carried on. I went quiet and he apologised and said he wasn’t sure but with hindsight should have stopped. I know he was about to if not already finishing but those 2 seconds have left me feeling weird and distrustful and like I don’t have any control over my body again. I know he meant no wrong and would never hurt me, but he has... and with all the other things going on I just feel like crawling in a hole and giving up on ever trying again because I don’t feel secure now. Please help me level out how I’m feeling because I think I’m blowing it up because of past experiences and he doesn’t deserve the way I feel about it/him. He left before I woke for work this morning so I was thinking about talking about it this evening but should maybe let it go and not dredge up the past again.

Thank you if you got to the end.

Sending you big hugs firstly .

You 100% need to talk about it with him. It's important not to brush things that bother you under the carpet. Your feelings are you're feelings and they are valid. Talking about what occurred will allow you both to process what happened and move forward in whatever way that might be.

Sounds really tough, I'm sorry you've had such difficult experiences.

This comes down to your perception (which may or not be influenced by past events) and his knowledge at the time. Do you believe he knew you wanted him to stop? If so, that this was really horrible/abusive behaviour.

Personally, if my head is in the pillow, I know I'm not very clear. If you think he wasnt aware, then this is a broader conversation. If its hurting you, or if you're not comfortable in that position, it's a conversation between the two of you to knock those options off the table

You need to talk to him OP - its not that he should have stopped (he should) but that knowing that you needed to feel safe he should NEVER have put you in that position in the first place.

What exactly do you mean by getting rough and then getting rougher? Because the problem is that he manoeuvred you into an uncomfortable position that caused you pain and you couldnt speak because he was being too rough.

At best he put his own needs not only before yours but at the expense of yours and he does deserve that and for you to talk to him about exactly how it made you feel

I don't think you're blowing it up, especially as he showed afterwards that he'd known he was doing that when you didn't want it.

Don't blame yourself or your past (you could have more counselling/therapy to get your head around that if you want to for your own happiness though- EMDR is good.) Most/ a lot of women would be freaked out if their partner knowingly did that to them when they didn't want it.

Talk about it to him. If he doesn't like you bringing it up then he's the twat, not you. He needs to prove himself for a fair while now, I think.

So sorry this happened to you. xxx

Do you believe he knew you wanted him to stop?

@Kassandra1 he pretty much said so afterwards, or at least that he supposedly wasn't sure. 'Not sure she's into this' should be a stop. Err on the side of caution rather than just thinking of his own pleasure.

I was raped one time and the bloke only did it for a couple of seconds, just to know that he'd done it, because he psychologically got off on it (not saying OP's partner is like this, just that it doesn't matter how long it's for if the person knows.)

I think you need to tell him before sex what your expectations are for that session! Flitting between wanting and not wanting rough sex is a recipe for disaster, tell him which before you begin. A couple of seconds is not much time to process a thought, especially when about to climax and with you not actually telling him anything.... I think you need to be very careful with setting your boundaries before sex, or atleast vocally when suddenly uncomfortable. Or how about a code word you can say during sex if either of you want to stop immediately so it's clear and no guess work involved

I think you need to tell him before sex what your expectations are for that session! Flitting between wanting and not wanting rough sex is a recipe for disaster, tell him which before you begin. A couple of seconds is not much time to process a thought, especially when about to climax and with you not actually telling him anything.... I think you need to be very careful with setting your boundaries before sex, or atleast vocally when suddenly uncomfortable. Or how about a code word you can say during sex if either of you want to stop immediately so it's clear and no guess work involved

This.

OP ignore the posters saying you should have told him x y z, from what you've described it's very clear he could see you were in some sort of distress yet he continued. You need to have a sit down conversation with him about the seriousness of what took place and make it clear that no more sex will be happening if he does not change or ever repeats what he did. This is YOUR body, which you're CHOOSING to share with him. His pleasure must never come above your human dignity.

Are you having therapy. If not, I really recommend you find somebody to talk to

Thank you for the well wishes and replies I’m a bit teary.

I don’t think he ‘knew’ no. I don’t think it was “she wants me to stop but I’m not going to” and it was more of “I’m not sure if she’s telling me to stop, could be, but I’m also 1 second away and I’m not sure” then done. I think he was awkward because he didn’t know if he’s just done something wrong and my reaction told him he had so he apologised. But that shouldn’t have happened.

I’ve been waiting for counselling for about 5 months now, I’m still on the wait list but covid has delayed it even more.

You’re right about setting boundaries and communicating, I’m struggling with this because I know it’s partly my fault for not doing either of those things. I just wanted for once to let go and get lost in it and it was fine, until it wasn’t. We both got carried away but I’m hurt he let it happen too, even if that’s unfair

We’ll have to talk about it tonight, I just feel so sad and he’s going to feel like shit and I’m talking about me and my feelings and my past yet again. I feel like he doesn’t deserve having to listen to me talk about that stuff again because he’s done so much for me and I’m going to pick him apart over this one mistake that’s doing loops in my head.

I also think he auto piloted a bit to how we used to have sex, what we were doing wasn’t unusual for us. But now it’s different and you’re right we need to be on the same page and make sure we know how the other is feeling. But then I also feel like he did know, not 100% sure, but he knew something was off and picked up on it. Just wasn’t thinking about me and chose not to be on the cautious side and thought of himself

In the cold light of day, it sounds like he should have stopped.

It also sounds like he was right on the point of ejaculating and just for a second, he didn't have instant control and wasn't thinking clearly. I can't say I'm firing on all barrels cognitively if I'm about to orgasm and it might take me a moment or two to figure out what someone might or might not be trying to communicate.

I'm not excusing him, victim blaming or anything else along those lines. I just think it's worth considering the fact he's not a robot and for a second, was caught up in the moment. From your description, it was literally just a second - and you say that it probably wasn't very clear to him.

Totally understand why you feel horrible now though. I would say it's important to have a conversation with him about what's off limits for the time being. Also explain that you don't want to be in a position during sex where you don't feel in control/can't clearly communicate.

Just seen the above post - agree a code word is another good idea.

I think you sound vulnerable with regards to sex and should probably just take it off the table for a while.
If you tore it sounds like it was too rough.
I would bring it up again as he needs to know how you feel.
Hope you're ok.

OP ignore the posters saying you should have told him x y z, from what you've described it's very clear he could see you were in some sort of distress yet he continued. You need to have a sit down conversation with him about the seriousness of what took place and make it clear that no more sex will be happening if he does not change or ever repeats what he did. This is YOUR body, which you're CHOOSING to share with him. His pleasure must never come above your human dignity.

From the description the OP gave it was not absolutely clear that she wanted her partner to stop. If you have ever engaged in anything other than vanilla sex you have to be absolutely clear with your partner about what is and is not acceptable.

if this conversation hasn't been had recently, it's difficult to judge. And people scoff but safewords are key here. Face in pillow? can't use a safeword so you need something else.

I'm really sorry, OP, that you feel like this, but from your OP it just sounds as though your DH isn't generally the kind to carry on when you don't want to. You really need to talk to him

Im sorry you panicked. He is not a mind reader though. You probably need to have a talk about it

I agree with a PP that maybe a good conversation about your boundaries and expectations from sex. Maybe a safe word would be good? So that if things get too rough or you no longer feel comfortable you can just say that and it stops x

Hmm, that sounds confusing.... If you were BOTH enjoying 'rough' sex, then it sends a confusing message to your Partner if it 'crossed the line' into something that was not so pleasant.

As other PP have suggested, a ''Safe'' word is probably a good idea.
Also, if you haven't had sex lately, your DP probably went at it like a Bull at a gate... ?
Communication is the key...But it isn't nice if a DP shows another side that you weren't expecting.

I think this is trickey -you were enjoying it and he had probably just started to come or or the very very verge of it when you wanted him to stop? Could you ask him to keep checking it with you and wait for a def yes. Are you enjoying this -if there isn't a yes -he stops?

Rather than framing it as "fault" on either/both sides, can you take the blame out of the situation and look at it more dispassionately?
This happened
It has left us feeling [guilty/fearful/ashamed/disappointed/tired/in physical pain]
What can we both agree on, going forward, to minimize the risk of anything similar happening in future? (lots of possibilities such as safe words, avoiding that position, a non-verbal signal such as waving hand in the air or tapping the other's arm/leg, taking more "energetic" sex off the table for now)

From what you've written - and I'm speaking here as a fellow survivor of sexual assault - he has tried his best to support you in your journey to healing. I know I myself, when about to orgasm, would find it very difficult to instantaneously interpret a muffled groan/words, and if I was thrusting quite forcefully and they then thrust back on me, I wouldn't assume it was a "get off me".

I hope you can both find a way forward and you can get some help soon

I’m reading everyone’s replies and it’s all helpful, different perspectives are good.

@ExhaustedFlamingo I agree with everything you wrote and I know that’s all true. It makes me uneasy, reasonable or not, that it could even happen and he, or anyone, could put their ejaculation above the pain of someone else on auto pilot. But out of that situation he absolutely would condemn it.

Sorry I really should have mentioned, I didn’t tear badly and it probably wouldn’t have happened to someone else. I’m prone to little tears that especially pop up when my body tenses of if I’m on a weird angle, which he knows. But the sex wasn’t so rough that it would tear someone, I’m just a bit unlucky apparently

I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm not surprised you are feeling shaken. It might be worth a call to Rape Crisis to deal with your feelings, whatever you want to do next.

If it was rough enough to tear you, then he should've been extra conscious to ensure that you were continuing to be into it and it doesn't sound like you were.

Did you have any counselling for the other issues? If he makes you feel guilty for talking about this stuff, that is not great.

It shouldn’t have progressed to the point of being rough, I let it happen and wanted to let go but I won’t let it happen again, I just wanted to feel like our normal selves. I love him so much but I think he knew, his face told me he was sorry before his words did. I couldn’t speak so definitely wasn’t clear with words, I was almost on my stomach so I bent my legs to put the backs of my feet on his stomach or chest to push back and my hands on his knees to move him back. I should never have let myself be in that position but I don’t know what else I could have done in the moment. No it was only seconds that’s why I’m so confused, my minds just a haze

I am so sorry you are feeling so mixed up, hurt and vulnerable right now. Sex can be such an intense thing in both mind and body when one has ad a bad experience and you never have to feel lesser because of that.

If you are 100% sure he loves you, understands your difficulties and cares, genuinely cares, then talk to him. I would be very tempted to write him pretty much what you did in your OP on a piece of paper , with anything personal you want to tell him, and then maybe go for a bath to give him time to read and digest in his own space.

In my head I would love dh to come in and throw me on the bed and ravish me like he can't help himself but when we have tried him being more dominant I hate it and so does he.

Can I recommend you ask for some EMDR sessions for the sex/assault issues you mention as ime they can really really help.

You have done nothing wrong. Your feelings are valid. I would be inclined to talk to him, make it all very clear, and accept he was so close to orgasming that he couldn't stop or move. On the other hand if you feel he wouldn't have stopped even if he had known five minutes before then you have a problem.

Take care of yourself. .

If you were pinned down and unable to communicate easily that really needs to be agreed clearly in advance whether you are happy to do that, especially if you have been feeling vulnerable.

You don't want to be chucked about. He starts being a bit rougher mid way through without any prior agreement. You got physically hurt.

He really, really needs to prioritise your feelings around sex. To make sure you are 100% comfortable with anything that happens. And it sounds like he didn't. He got carried away with what he wanted to do.

Sounds like you need to keep the rough sex off the menu for the time being. It shouldn't have got to the point where you felt you needed to say stop.
And it can take a couple of seconds to stop what you're doing at any time, so if it was only one or two seconds, it could be that he didn't ignore your request (especially as you didn't actually say stop).