DP didn’t stop immediately

[Soxandseven]

Posting here because I can’t hack AIBU.
I need some help because I don’t know how to feel. This is probably too much information and details our sex life, so please don’t read on if you don’t want to, but I need to give a whole picture. Any advice or words of wisdom would really help right now.

Myself and DP rarely have sex due to some physical, and mental, issues I have been having and I know he misses that aspect of our relationship a lot. There are a couple of traumatic things that have happened to me in the past in relation to assault and some reproductive things that don’t help with my attitude towards sex. I want to want to have sex, but I don’t, I panic instead and tense up so it hurts. He’s a brilliant partner and we’ve been through an awful lot, always there to help or listen, does anything I or we need and I feel loved and cared for and at home with him.

However, last night we had sex and I feel off about it today but I don’t know if I’m just thinking too much and linking the incident with other things. We used to have a really active sex life and a healthy mix of ‘loving romantic’ sex but also more demanding and I suppose rougher sex. Because of how it is at the moment I don’t want to engage in the latter and need to feel safe, I’m not ready to be chucked about... last night started fine and he began being a bit rougher mid way through, that was fine and we were both enjoying it. He turned me over and was close to finishing so was even rougher and I don’t know if it was the angle but coupled together, I felt what felt like a little tear and was very painful and it all became to much. My face was in the pillow and I panicked, I couldn’t speak at least not quickly so I don’t think I said anything apart from muffled panic, but I wanted it all to stop. I bent my legs to push DP back and a second or two later he finished. It was a matter of seconds and I didn’t know if he knew I even wanted him to stop, but after there was a weird awkwardness like he knew what I wanted but was also 1 second away so carried on. I went quiet and he apologised and said he wasn’t sure but with hindsight should have stopped. I know he was about to if not already finishing but those 2 seconds have left me feeling weird and distrustful and like I don’t have any control over my body again. I know he meant no wrong and would never hurt me, but he has... and with all the other things going on I just feel like crawling in a hole and giving up on ever trying again because I don’t feel secure now. Please help me level out how I’m feeling because I think I’m blowing it up because of past experiences and he doesn’t deserve the way I feel about it/him. He left before I woke for work this morning so I was thinking about talking about it this evening but should maybe let it go and not dredge up the past again.

Thank you if you got to the end.

You do get to a point in the last few seconds when you can't stop.

###i've never met a woman who can stop an orgasm after it has started - men are the same.

It just sounds like not a good relationship from your point of view if it's causing you this amount of distress and not feeling in control.

OP, when I read what you wrote, my stomach contracted, my hands flew to my face, and I gasped. I felt violated. You were torn. Oh my god. I don't know what to say but you are not overreacting.

@Durgasarrow

OP might be like me. I always tear a tiny bit, even with the most gentle sex

I don't think anyone is at fault here, it seems to be down to communication problems so a good chat about boundaries around sex should suffice.

I sometimes have problems verbally communicating (suspected autism) and sometimes I panic (although I don't have the past that you do so I imagine it's worse for you) so I understand it can be difficult to get across what you want or need in that moment. If a safe word is not accessible, could you do something physical, such as raising your hand, shaking your head? I sort of flap my hand through instinct and he knows it means stop and give me a chance to formulate a sentence.

You absolutely need to discuss everything beforehand, every time for as long as you need to. Just going with it is a lovely idea, but is not practical and will make you feel more vulnerable. You will both feel safer and happier with clear guidelines and knowledge of safewords/actions, what to do, what not to do, try this but check in after 5 seconds, etc. It can feel a bit awkward to do that at first but it will make you feel more in control and more confident.

Yes please see my earlier reply, I’m prone to tearing. I could be having gentle missionary sex and will tear. It’s a recurring issue but we always stop if it happens.

My takeaways are, I’m fixating on it more given my past, I need to nudge them again for therapy, there are a mix of responses so we need to talk about it and I’ll go forwards based on my feelings. When he gets in we’ll talk. I don’t think he meant to hurt me but we have some trust to repair now

I don’t want to place blame or say it’s his fault, I just needed some help processing my feelings and this has definitely made me feel clearer so thank you everyone.

@Owleyes16 I did what I would have normally done and he would have stopped if I pushed him like I did, I think because he was about to climax he didn’t stop. Be that due to not thinking clearly or any reason, but we’ll have to talk about it so I can feel in control. Your last paragraph was good to read and you’re definitely right, I’ll put those things into place to prevent any miscommunication in the future. That’s partly why I feel like this because I know I should have been clear and we should have discussed again (we have previously but a while ago... sex is fee and far between), I just felt so sick of being difficult and of feeling weird that I didn’t want to bring it all up. But it won’t get better if what happened happens again

@Soxandseven

It shouldn’t have progressed to the point of being rough, I let it happen and wanted to let go but I won’t let it happen again, I just wanted to feel like our normal selves. I love him so much but I think he knew, his face told me he was sorry before his words did. I couldn’t speak so definitely wasn’t clear with words, I was almost on my stomach so I bent my legs to put the backs of my feet on his stomach or chest to push back and my hands on his knees to move him back. I should never have let myself be in that position but I don’t know what else I could have done in the moment. No it was only seconds that’s why I’m so confused, my minds just a haze

He shouldn't have put you in that position where you were struggling to speak and panicking! I understand that you thought you were ready for more spontaneous and rougher sex but you weren't; he needs to be aware that this is not on the cards yet and that you mustn't be in a position where you are uncomfortable and unable to speak.

I really don't think that is asking too much from a respectful and loving partner.

Okay so DP came home and I said we need to talk about last night. He thought I wanted him to slow down so he did but once I could get the words out and say get off he did straight away, he finished as he pulled out because I said get off. Everything he says is true and matches, just different experiences... he feels awful. We talked about a lot of the things posters have commented regarding communication and what is and isn’t acceptable to do even if I ‘let it happen’ happen in the moment, it just shouldn’t come up. We’ve agreed not to run before we can walk and that we need to discuss more although he does acknowledge he got far too carried away but the last thing he would want to do is hurt me.

I feel like shit now for how I felt before about him. Hopefully my thoughts won’t be so strong and I can get to talk to someone about things in the future.

Thank you to everyone who was comforting, I’m hoping I’ll slowly get through the haze and start to feel like myself again one day.

@Soxandseven

Wishing you all the best! It sounds like you had a good conversation

Oh I am sorry OP. This sounds very hard.

The way you describe the rough sex sounds very like what I share with my partner sometimes. It is an extremely ill-defined and shifting line to know what feels 'ok'. Sometimes I find it such a turn on, definitely drive it, and love to be fucked in that way. Other times, I am just more tender emotionally or physically and I need and want a totally different tone. Not just that, but the 'rough' thing suddenly feels dehumanizing. Sometimes it's clear to me what I want in advance (so can simply ask for 'fucking' versus 'making love') so it is easy. What's more complex is when we are in the middle. I can just 'migrate' emotionally - especially if I have come already- to suddenly be turned off 'by the rough'. Or even harder to detect.- there can be tiny adjustments of position that just tip the tone from sexy rough into unpleasant rough....but where my line is on that isn't always the same, and is hard to articulate. I also suffer from minor tears and something that normally feels great can suddenly feel less comfy. That does mean that sometimes I end up, briefly, feeling I am being treated in a way I don't want to be. And the more in flow/heat' he is, the less likely he is to pick it up on his own. If it's more than a few seconds I say something and he will respond, but it still doesn't feel good - even though I am lucky not to have a legacy of abuse.

I think definitely talk to him. Definitely err on the side of cautious for a while - perhaps ruling out 'fucking' versus making love (assuming you want to continue anything). IF you want to and feel ready to reopen the door to that kind of sex at some point, think if there are any specific things that you can express in advance as boundaries. Even if you have enjoyed them in the past, err on the cautious again. (For example in the position you describe, I know I am ok with head in pillow but only if my hands are next to my head (so I can lift myself up easily), not if my arms are flat facing backwards, as I am more stuck. I am also ok with his hand on my back but not on my neck or head. Working out these details in advance can be helpful and give you a more secure sense of containment.

I also think a safe word is a good idea (though I am a big fan of 'stop!' For that.... ) in the heat of the moment, people's physical and mental ability to instantly switch can be slowed, but you should get a reaction in a second or two from any decent man.

And lastly, don't feel bad - not one bit. You and your body have been through a lot and you can decide to the finest detail what you are ok with feeling and doing. And it should only ever be what you enjoy. It sounds like your partner failed in fully respecting that on some instinctive level, and he needs to reprove himself a bit. The clearer and more guilt free you can be in expressing your boundaries, the easier it should be for him to start to do that.

Hope this is useful.

You are gnawing at this because deep down, you have doubts about him and I would really like to know more about what the rest of the relationship is like (despite the positive things you've said about him). Your issues might be contributing a lot to it too, but I think that what happened, or what might have happened is a manifestation of an ugly side to him that you have so far either not seen or chosen to ignore until now.

I think you need to speak to a professional about your issues with sex and also refrain from 'rough' sex until you do so.

OP i think you need to be able to own your feelings. Where feelings are concerned there is no right or wrong answer, there simply is. People react differently to things and that is ok. What isnt is trying to change or ignore how you feel about something.

I also think you need to walk before you can run - but walking is just that - no safe word yet. Nothing that would remotely put you in a situation that you feel you have to let things happen or not. There should be no question at all.

The crux of this is that you shouldnt have had to want him to slow down - he needs to be aware and not put you in that position yet

@BraveGoldie Everything you have said I can completely resonate with, thank you for typing all of that out. I feel a lot less alone in being, I suppose, complicated, indecisive and even unaware of my own wants and needs. Sometimes things feel like such a fine line... and I worry I’m unreasonable for darting from one feeling to another, bit we’re only human and your post has definitely helped me see that.

Otherwise our relationship is great, he doesn’t always do the dishes without me asking.. but that’s worst of it...

So glad it was useful.

Absolutely you get to define the line and it can shift any way and any time you like. To me the principles generally about giving sex are even more important for any form of rough sex:

1. Only ever do something you enjoy and want - not just generally, but moment to moment.

1. To be given access to such fine line/ rough sex, a partner needs to constantly prove themselves completely flexible, responsive and respectful of your shifting boundaries and every one of your requests.

I am glad you have had a good conversation with your husband.